<p>I agree that “dating” has changed. The boys and I have discussed it. I don’t get it, but I guess it works for this generation.</p>
<p>Ds’s couples party last night changed complexion a bit, but he was good with it. I asked him this morning whether a FB status change was in order, but he said no. He says they’re in that transitional phase where everyone knows they like each other but don’t yet feel compelled to do anything about it. I like that! I would imagine they’ll declare themselves a couple in the next few weeks. She’s liked him a looong time, apparently. He’s really picky so if he thinks she fits the bill I’m glad for him.</p>
<p>But after following this thread I’ve decided to not say another word to ds1 about dating. He’s always been slow to move; he’s cautious by nature, so why would this be any different? I certainly don’t want him to get the impression that he should be with someone just to be with someone. </p>
<p>But I do think it’s sweet how we all just want our kids to be happy and that relationships and love are part of that. cc – the land of romantics. :)</p>
<p>I put “dating” in quotes for want of a better word. Agree that regrettable relationships are worse than none, but a little mild regret might be worth the tradeoff of getting over that “first” hurdle. Especially if a little insight comes along with it.</p>
<p>Both of our girls date - boy asks a girl out, meets parents (when they lived at home), picks her up, pays for the date, and drops her off. While D1 in college, she never considered it a date if a guy said, “I’ll meet you at this party or bar.”</p>
<p>Young people don’t date as much now. I hear they hook up first then decide if they want to be a couple. There are a lot of girls who would like to be asked out properly, and they are often impressed when guys actually make the effort.</p>
<p>The hook up phenomenon is not a recent phenomenon. It was alive and well in the early-mid '90s…especially at my LAC where “dating” was considered an “old-fashioned” throwback to the '50s by most students. </p>
<p>In fact, this was one reason why most folks who dated tended to do so off-campus…including myself.</p>
<p>Contrast that with some religious fundamentalist communities some college classmates, a few relations*, and colleagues who felt dating was “unholy” and thus, preferred to emphasize “courtships” and early marriages. </p>
<ul>
<li>Fortunately they were skeptical enough about that aspect to not mindlessly follow that aspect of their religion.</li>
</ul>
<p>I still dont think that all kids want to “hook up” I know my girls dont want that as the only aspect of the relationship. I work with a lot of young people and I will ask them. My kids prob wouldnt want to talk about that. I just wonder, do they “hook up” and move on? How does that make you feel? i mean in my opinion its a rather intimate act to take so casually. But I am from another generation so ???</p>
<p>The whole idea of hook-ups makes me ill. The teenagers I know are not into that sort of thing. (At least, I don’t believe so.) Things are very different for my kids than it was for my generation. Sexual innuendo is so prevalent, that I think it’s sort of lost its lustre for them.</p>
<p>Last year, our community hosted a wonderful group of kids from Costa Rica (ages 13-14.) We parents marvelled at how these kids seemed SO much more mature than our kids, especially relationship-wise. They seemed so much older, and were much more conscious of their sexuality.</p>
<p>We parents were discussing how ‘lucky’ we felt that our kids seemed less concerned with the typical teenage boy/girl issues. Not sure that we had anything to do with it, just sort of counting our blessings that our kids were still somewhat innocent.</p>
<p>I don’t believe my kids are more innocent than other kids. They are fully aware of their own sexuality, but they know it’s not the only way to get or to hold on to a guy’s attention. I think they are savvy enought to know that the worst way to keep a guy instested is to hook up with him right away.</p>
<p>I do not have a daughter, so I am probably coming from a different place. I am glad that my sons think of their female friends as friends first, and girls second. From what I’ve seen, boys are often slower to mature. </p>
<p>I have done everything I can to teach my boys to be respectful of girls/women. They also have a great role model in their father. :)</p>
<p>Both kids have witnessed a lot of negative drama and bitterness around the hookup scene, and I’ve heard plenty directly from teenagers/post-teenagers of my acquaintance. I don’t know what decisions my own might make on the spur of the moment, but I think they’ll avoid situations that have “You will feel angry and used” written all over them. I came of age in the late-hippie, pre-HIV era. It seems to have been a little kinder and gentler back then, though that could be rose-colored retrospective glasses.</p>
<p>I’m not sure the negative drama and bitterness about “being used” is solely limited to the hookup scene. I’ve experienced/witnessed plenty of the same with regular dating. </p>
<p>The common denominator seems to be more the presence of one or both partners who make unwarranted assumptions/expectations about each other/relationship, are immature/naive, have entitlement issues, and/or are poor communicators(especially in the emotional realm)*. </p>
<p>I say this as someone who prefers to date and feels hookups aren’t for him…but witnessed many college classmates involved in hookup scenes without having had the negative drama/bitterness precisely because both partners didn’t have the above-mentioned common denominators. </p>
<ul>
<li>This is a big factor not only because it takes plenty of practice, but also considering I’ve encountered people well into middle/senior years who aren’t good at communicating effectively with others…including their SOs. Hey, it’s still a work in progress for myself even 10+ years out of college.</li>
</ul>
<p>Agree that bitterness and anger can be the aftermath of longer relationships as well, for all the reasons you mentioned, cobrat. But I think hooking up has particular pitfalls for girls (sorry for gender-generalizing, and I’m only opining about the heterosexual scene). With exceptions of course…most have a hard time with sexual contact followed by complete indifference. Or worse, active avoidance. I’m sure a lot of guys don’t like it either.</p>
<p>the people at work say it varies some kids hookup, some date. but dating seems to involve more group dating as most college kids are broke. Many say it is hard to meet people and use on line dating. which suprised me. many said there was more likelihood of hooking up in the bar scene and they really werent that interested in that. Many said they werent interested in the casual encounter, but felt is was definately harder now.</p>
<p>I think the hook up scene is both greatly exaggerated and starting to die down. I know many more people in long term relationships than are in to hook ups.</p>
<p>I wonder if it’s genetics. A large chunk of people with late bloomers seem to have children who are also late bloomers. On the flip side, everyone in my family was early bloomers.</p>
<p>It’s interesting to note that most of my friends who are getting engaged/married young (20, 21), were late bloomers and are generally getting engaged in their first relationships. That’s a bit scary to me but to each his/her own.</p>
<p>I’ve been hearing an ongoing saga from an Orthodox Jewish co-worker about her almost-24-yearold daughter, youngest of 3 kids, much more traditional than the rest of her own immediate family. Of her own volition, the girl started the “date to marry” process through matchmakers and less formal set-ups a couple of years ago and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for 6 weeks, probably marrying him in June. Among the girl’s friends, 23 is a little late - and I’m sure the motivation is intensified by the prohibition against any touching whatsoever on these dates. But the mom, even given her own immersion in the culture, is quite freaked out (her words) that daughter is marrying a guy she just met in January.
Still, can’t help wishing that there were similar networks (besides the internet) to help people find the “starter boyfriend”, as others have called it.</p>
<p>Many parents of heterosexual sons are also observing that their kids are getting all through college without any girlfriends (that the parents know of, anyway), even though they’re outnumbered by females. I wonder if “practice” relationships (i.e. monogamous and affectionate, if temporary) are really an an endangered species among straight college students. I’m sure my perspective is skewed by personal concerns.</p>
<p>Yuh, the college kids “practice” sex, but not relationships, for the most part.</p>
<p>There are friends with benefits, too.</p>
<p>I am an old fogey, from the dark ages, a dinosaur. What was racy in my day aint racy no more. Who knows how this will work out for these young people…</p>
<p>I think there is a bit of generalization. I know D1 know several college kids(more like 20+) where there are no hook ups. It was an eye opener for her freshman year because she knew a few girls/boys that had relationships in high school but those relationships faltered through college years, ie a lot of cheating while the students were in college.</p>