<p>Deborah T, thanks for asking. Fang Jr is doing well. He’s living at home, and has a fulltime job. He is talking about moving out and finding an apartment with a friend, which would be a good step for him. He thinks he can find an apartment the two of them can afford. That might be difficult in our high-priced area, but we’ll help him out if it comes to that.</p>
<p>cf…I missed this…sorry</p>
<p>CF, so glad to hear it! I just moved Son into an apartment at a 4 year univ. this weekend.</p>
<p>Missypie, best of luck! I hope it works out well for your son this time. </p>
<p>After a disastrous class at community college last fall, Fang Jr is taking a break from higher education. (And it wasn’t like he didn’t try in the class. He didn’t realize that the entire point of the class was to take down what the professor said about Chinese history, and repeat it back to him on papers and exams. And this guy had his own invented non-standard terminology and his own ideas, so no outside sources for Chinese history were of the least use. That kind of pedagogy will never work for Fang Jr. Also IMO it’s a terrible pedagogy.) We think after a couple of years, Fang Jr may decide to try again to get a degree. Or not. But we’re not pushing.</p>
<p>CF Jr. will make it. You support him in all ways possible. This is, btw, what I meant initially We don’t give up. We look for answers with an eye to other solutions. We don’t give up.</p>
<p>Thanks, bevhills.</p>
<p>Did you get the impression that your real life friends were giving up? I started a thread about a friend whose daughter has serious problems. The family isn’t on CC, but they could be, if you know what I mean. They’re not giving up, but sadly it’s not at all clear that their daughter is going to have a good outcome. And people on that thread who have more experience with drug problems than I do are saying that the parents have to start to accept that they cannot fix their daughter, much as they love her and wish they could help her.</p>
<p>Real friends don’t give up on you. When the wreckage clears you know who has your back and who doesn’t. And yes, we have dear friends with a broken child. He won’t be ok…but he will be the best and safest kid that he can be.</p>
<p>I think I can appreciate what Bevhills was referring to in the opening post. Recently I ran into the father of a peer of my youngest from kindergarten. These kids went k-12 together and while never close buds, the families knew each other from sports teams, volunteering, etc. The other young man’s parents are, I am convinced, excellent people and devoted, conscientious parents.</p>
<p>That young man (age 25), the father told me, is living at home, unemployed and with no focus at all now. He apparently disintegrated during his first year in college. Since then he has only held a very few temporary, part-time, low-level jobs (for example, cart boy at a supermarket), none of which lasted. </p>
<p>The parents are highly educated/professional, caring and savvy. Delightful, accomplished people. But now they are making arrangements for some sort of a trust fund to support this young man after they are gone. (There is an older sibling who is independent and doing great.)</p>
<p>My heart broke for this caring and open dad. It was like a meteor fell out of the sky and hit his son. It could just as easily have hit mine. </p>
<p>The dad said they eventually got a diagnosis of some type of frontal lobe wiring issue (I forget details of what he told me) for which there is no effective treatment.</p>
<p>Frankly, while I am very grateful that both my young adults kids are doing well and independent, I am at the same time painfully aware of how the fickle finger of fate can hit, and situations like this make me concerned for what my own kids may eventually be dealing with with their own (yet to be conceived) children as the years go on. </p>
<p>We can all just do our best, be supportive of those struggling, and be grateful but never smug. (IMO)</p>
<p>bevhills, I’m sorry I didn’t make myself clear. I meant, did you get the impression that, unlike the people here who don’t give up on their children, your real life friends were giving up on their children?</p>
<p>JEM, executive function problems?</p>
<p>Absolutely not. Never. I am just saying that…there are some people in our lives (real life, a phone call away, across the street friends) who are there for the good stuff, but they can’t be there when stuff gets hard. </p>
<p>Speaking of Utah…I ran into a woman at the grocery store over the weekend who is the mother of my son’s HS friend who got into a lot of trouble and ended up…yes, in Utah. So I know what that means and how hard it may be. </p>
<p>Having said that, this woman seems to have become very bitter and angry toward anyone whose kids are NOT struggling. She was pretty cold to me and said she was mad that another mom and I didn’t call after graduation (her son didn’t graduate) to see how he was. By that time the boys hadn’t been friends for at least a year. They had tried to connect with the troubled kid but he ignored them. (And anyway, what could we have said to her? “Hi Maggie…missed you at graduation last weekend! Too bad Joey wasn’t there. Our boys are really excited about having their lives in one piece and going on to COLLEGE!”)</p>
<p>She has apparently yelled at a few other parents publicly over grievances going back to the kids’ seventh or eighth grade. Which is crazy because I believe all of us would widely be considered caring friends and positive members of our community. And it is also crazy that she is blaming everyone around her rather than addressing the core issues with her kid (and herself) that seem to have started when his dad died suddenly when he was in middle school. She and I were never friends, only acquaintances who overlapped because of our kids. I tried to help in small ways, and my son was a positive influence on her son when they were together. </p>
<p>It’s all so complicated. :(</p>
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<p>Cardinal Fang, I remember thinking of that afterwards but what he told me was more technical. It seemed the family had spent years trying to get to a diagnosis and had seen many neurological specialists and many brain scans and related tests had been taken before getting it pinned down. It did not seem that he had any realistic hope of a better future down the road for his son.</p>
<p>But what I most remember is how my heart ached for him and his lovely wife, both of whom had always been very gracious to my family, and how I also felt “There but for the grace of God go I.”
Both parent sets are in our “pre retirement” phase, and he is focused on how to prepare/provide for his son’s long term future. These will not be “care free” years for him or his wife.</p>
<p>So yes, I do feel “so lucky” but it is hard for me to experience the joy in that without simultaneously feeling the pain of what that family (and others in similar situations) was experiencing. I also can’t help thinking that when my kids become parents they too will be exposed to who knows what challenges?</p>
<p>I’m sorry that your friend’s son has such a tough row to hoe, JEM.</p>
<p>sally, it sounds like your acquaintance and her son found out who their real friends were, the ones who in bevhill’s telling don’t give up on them, the ones who don’t blame them for bad parenting when their kids have problems. You are not obligated to be or remain friends with anyone and neither is your son, but I’m guessing that your acquaintance found out that a lot of people she thought were friends weren’t. And that can be difficult, in a situation that is already difficult. It doesn’t excuse her outbursts or her behaving badly, but it may explain them.</p>
<p>CF, none of us accused this woman of bad parenting. There are many “Utahs” in our community. My son, and his other friend, had numerous interventions with this kid to get him to show up at school, stop doing drugs, etc. But they were kids too, and there was only so much they could do, especially when this kid didn’t want help. And trust me–my son had a lot of guilt over the whole thing, and this all hit at a difficult time for him because of things going on in his own life.</p>
<p>I think you are probably right that this woman made a lot of assumptions about who her friends were. I did what I could for as long as I could, but when her son stopped communicating with my son and their other friend, it became more difficult since our relationship was only casual and “situational” to begin with. Also, communication is a two-way street and I am not a mind reader. If she had reached out to me after our kids lost contact, I would have certainly offered whatever help I could provide.</p>
<p>Humility and humbleness are in order here. We are all only one incident away from being in another person’s difficult situation. Feels like luck plays a huge role here. It’s a long life and it will be filled with many obstacles. It may not be our children, but it may be our grandchildren. I believe that “I feel lucky threads” should be separate from bad event threads. Each deserves their own attention and should not be related IMHO. They are different. I have never liked when someone has count their blessings at the expense of seeing another’s misfortunes. Truly separate threads. I really don’t like when someone feels fortunate because someone else is not. I feel fortunate when things are going right. I don’t need to see someone else’s life going wrong to realize this. </p>
<p>Bevhills when you say “whoa we are lucky” I believe you feel like you are lucky at this moment in time. I think it is a great generalization to say we are all al lucky. There is a lot of pain on the CC site- both spoken and unsaid.</p>
<p>When people behave badly after some great misfortune (like having their husband/exhusband die suddenly and then having a child with such severe problems they have to go to a treatment center in Utah) I think to myself, “That person failed a test I didn’t have to take.” And, even though my son has his troubles, and isn’t making the great achievements that other posters’ kids are making, I am so lucky. So very lucky. Fang Jr is happy, physically healthy and strong, gainfully employed and hilarious. </p>
<p>CF, I will ignore what seems like judgment coming through in your posts. The whole point of this thread is (or should be)–we are all lucky in some ways, and not in others. And we don’t know what goes on in other people’s lives. The world would be a much better place if people would give others the benefit of the doubt.</p>
<p>^^Exactly. We have no true idea of what challenges other people are facing. It is much more pleasant to give people the benefit of the doubt, and not assume the worst.</p>
<p>Having followed CF’s threads for years, I know she would be thrilled that her very bright son would date. And BevHills, and her wonderful husband ( who hasn’t posted much in recent years), has shared multiple family issues. It is because of CC, that most of us don’t play games, but share what is truly on our minds. So, when happiness comes, I am thrilled for the families involved. </p>
<p>I would be thrilled if Fang Jr would date. That happy event has not yet occurred. He is looking for a place to share with a male non-romantic friend.</p>
<p>And I think weddings are exciting events. I’m happy for the ellebud family on this joyous occasion. </p>