<p>I find my bragging to be much more satisfying when the other person has to drag it out of me.</p>
<p>I know a couple who like to brag to me/us about their student…
but I just smile and tell them how great it is that …so and so…is doing so well…and I am glad its working out…</p>
<p>Sadly I also know about two other older children of their home–whose stories are truly VERY tragic and I wont even say here…horribly tragic…</p>
<p>Our student doesn’t have the grades of so and so…or the athletic ability of so and so
but also doesn’t have the tragic story of …so and so’s siblings…</p>
<p>I try an remind myself of that as we approach apps this yr…
to keep it all in perspective…</p>
<p>truly…</p>
<p>well put —^</p>
<p>Worrying about the opposite of bragging now… D got into her first choice college ED (yay!) Her good friend “F” has this same school as a 2nd or 3rd choice, and just heard that she “didn’t get in” (unclear if that means deferred or rejected). Three other mutual friends were accepted EA. F won’t hear from her other schools for at least another month. Meanwhile facebook is full of statuses like “I got in!” “I’m going to Dream U!” etc. I’m wondering what to say if I run into F’s mom. I know her D has been very nervous about the whole college thing and I imagine right now she’s feeling like she’s the only one with no acceptances. I guess I just won’t say a word about F or D and college, just ask how when the older sibling is coming home from his school, etc.</p>
<p>It’s always nice to have NON-COLLEGE things to talk about with families of seniors. Most families of seniors have had more than their share of angst & would love to talk and think about just about anything else, I believe. If you run out of fodder, you can always talk about current events, the economy, healthcare, the weather, global warming or some of the movies like “UP” and “Departures.” There really is a wide world out there beyond school and even beyond our kids!</p>
<p>A few years ago a good friend from high school began sending the most insufferable holiday letters. Her kids were completely perfect in absolutely every way. In each arena of human activity they were exceptionally exceptional. For example, they didn’t just play one instrument very well, they played 3 instruments in various school groups plus they sang in every vocal ensemble the school offered. Not only that, but they performed in a music group at various events and produced a musical extravaganza for their religious community which was enjoyed by X number of people and raised X number of dollars for X charity. Ditto for academics, sports, community service, and even hunting! We are informed of how many magnificent creatures with great horns they shot with perfect marksmanship.</p>
<p>Since this was a sweet person and had been a good friend, I tolerated this sort of thing for years. I assumed she was suffering from low self-esteem or something. Then I wondered if everyone got the same letter, or it was just me she was competing with. (For the record, I have never sent a holiday letter and won’t ever either. Nor did she know much about my kids.) But after one letter I decided I could no longer deal with this person. In that letter she mentioned that her son had been diagnosed with diabetes but that he is very responsible and good about it and manages to keep his blood sugar at perfectly normal levels. She lost me then… Bragging about how well he handles his disease!</p>
<p>Yes, GFG, I just got a two page single space Xmas letter from someone who used to laugh with me about how ghastly Xmas letters were! What happenned to her? Am I the only one who’s glad to hear that her kids are healthy and happy but don’t really give a fig about the minutiae of their exceptional extracurriculars and visits from Aunt Minnie? I guess I’m a Scrooge! I miss my old friend!</p>
<p>We just got the craziest holiday letter. It was from a couple we know well who are childless by choice. As I started to read it I got confused, because the first two paragraphs were the typical brag stuff about teenage kids. I wondered if they were talking about one of their many “adopted” nieces or nephews. We caught on when the brag about the third child was that he would be home from the penitentiary by next Christmas. OK, a spoof on a typical brag letter - I could enjoy that! Then, I noticed that the whole card was covered in (gorgeous) photos of the couple’s exotic world travels. So a spoof on the many brag letters they receive? Poking fun at themselves by extension? A brag by any other name? If you didn’t know them it would be hard to tell!</p>
<p>On Christmas Eve we finally received a letter that is even more sickening than our own! Yes, the couple’s kids are VERY accomplished. But the letter even included things like how the son would have competed a prestigious athletic event but for a scheduling mix up. I mean, really, tell us how high he graduated in his class, tell us what great school he’s attending, but do you really have to brag about the things he didn’t even do?</p>
<p>“So a spoof on the many brag letters they receive? Poking fun at themselves by extension? A brag by any other name? If you didn’t know them it would be hard to tell!”</p>
<p>An interesting Christmas letter, without a doubt. So, knowing them, which thing did you conclude it was?</p>
<p>I’ve terminated (well, a horrible word, really, but that is what has happened, so why sugar coat it?) my friendship with someone I knew for ages (more than 15 years). During the college acceptance season of her youngest son (and my son) in 2004, she continually boasted about her kid. Granted, he did get into all of the HYPSMs (except MIT, maybe) and then after the acceptances, she would tell me this and that about rankings and how only that mattered in making admissions decisions. Granted, he is a very accomplished kid. Then, after college, she called to say, he is working in private equity near San Francisco. But she was insufferable. I don’t know what it was - was she always like that, and I never knew that aspect of it, or what? It was very hard to take.</p>
<p>I think the bragging is much harder to take when you are in the midst of anxiety about your own kids and their choices (or lack thereof). At least that’s how it felt for me. The economic recession has hit hard close to home, my kid did not have a job for a long time and then I had to hear her bragging! It was too much to take. Maybe, I will forgive her someday but not right now.</p>
<p>What is infuriating is when the bragging parent assumes you have nothing to brag about simply because you have the good manners to just shut up. I always felt that kind of talk should be reserved for the kid’s grandparents or as someone posted earlier, people who have traveled the journey with you-like best friends. And why is the bragging centered on academic achievement? Is that the only measure of success? I find these people are just bores who lack imagination. I appreciated Mousegray’s comments. Her kid found happiness and success on his own terms. Is there anything better than that?</p>
<p>"I think the bragging is much harder to take when you are in the midst of anxiety about your own kids and their choices (or lack thereof). At least that’s how it felt for me. The economic recession has hit hard close to home, my kid did not have a job for a long time and then I had to hear her bragging! It was too much to take. "</p>
<p>I am usually cool with friends bragging. Afterall, I rather my friends and their loved ones doing well rather than my enemies or people I don’t care a fig about. However I can really relate when I am anxious about my own, then I find I am not as accepting of my friends’ good fortune. Yes, I consider that a bit of good fortune when one’s kids are self directed, motivated and hard working and intelligent. I try just as hard as anyone to be a good parent after all.</p>
<p>Sometimes I need an outlet to tell of my kids’ accomplishments (H doesn’t count) so I write my sibs who have grown up kids and are through it all. I start with “I’m going to brag now” and tell them and they’re happy for me. I love sharing it with THEM but that’s it…rarely anyone else. I don’t want people to feel like I do when they start in on all that " my kid is so FAB!!".</p>
<p>So when my friend asks me what I thought of her Xmas letter (because she already knows I hate them) what do I say? Truth or not? The thing is we know each other so well that I know that half the stuff in that letter isn’t right…its way glossed over from what she’s told me over this year with e-mail. Why gloss things over? It just seems so…fake.</p>
<p>Having just finished with this year’s round of holiday letters, I did find that the once-a-year summary letters of friends family’s events were enjoyable to read, for the mostpart. I don’t feel it is bragging per se to summarize the things they are proud of and wish to share. I kinda liked to hear it and share in their happiness. The ones that are insufferable to me are the friends who do it ad nauseum, over and over and over, and embellish stuff. That gets old. I think it is kinda healthy to put a positive spin on even negative situations like managing a chronic illness. Not meaning to be critical of your observation, TheGFG, but I think (being in healthcare), its good to hear that a kid who has been diagnosed with something like diabetes is dealing with it and managing it successfully. I see that as putting a positive perspective on a negative situation. </p>
<p>I had a little bit of a tough time reading a very sappy letter from a friend who I know had a tough year with one of her sons, yet the letter was over-the-top glowing about him and his accomplishments. I think in general that its ok-- no need to dwell in a letter on the challenges he’s given thiem this year. Better, IMO, to focus on the things that make it worthwhile.</p>
<p>I love the paradoxical letter from the childless family. Reminds me of the poster above who received a letter written from the viewpoint of the family dog. Very clever.</p>
<p>Ok- -we get a year’s respite before they come again!! Happy holidays, all.</p>
<p>** crossposted, dke. Sounds like your friend did what mind did-- overfocused on the positive. I guess you could say, if she asks, that its nice to see that she can focus on the positive things in life. Thats diplomatic. </p>
<p>This year was a mixed year for us-- with both good and challenging things to deal with. Its just life. I am happy to put 2009 in the books and looking forward to 2010.</p>
<p>A family we’ve been close to for 15 years has a D was an academic superstar…very bright, very accomplished, many talents, a nice girl. Skipped a grade in elem school and graduated from college in three years. Her mom had bragged about the *place *where she got a job - sounded like she had her dream job. I found out last week that the D is a *secretary *there. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being a secretary and in this job market, any job not involving french fries is terrific. The thing that is objectionable is that the mom has led us to believe all year that the D has a different type of job…why couldn’t she say what the real job is and say, “it’s great that she has her foot in the door…” If I was the D, I’d think my mom was ashamed if she led others to believe I had a different job than I actually had.</p>
<p>The issue I have with mass mailed letters of any kind is that in a letter or phone call to someone specific, I will take their circumstances into account - sometimes it’s not appropriate to talk about me at all, but to ask about them, wish them well, and leave it at that. The one from the childless couple was definitely meant to be tongue in cheek with a playful poke at those kind of letters and at themselves. But I can see some people taking it another way, though, which is really the problem with all these letters. </p>
<p>dke - I think your friend is putting you in an awkward position to ask, knowing you don’t like these in the first place. I would probably defuse with humor - ask her in a kidding way if she’s trying to get you into trouble since she knows you don’t generally like brag letters and then just say that the reason you don’t like them has less to do with the content and more to do with the lack of personalization to each receiver. That should get you off the hook.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m an exception to the rule, but I like Christmas letters - and expect them to recap the high points rather than the low. (The lows exist, but I’d really rather read the good stuff.) I guess I consider them less bragging and more celebrating. In general, I don’t mind when another parent brags about awards, honors, etc. If I’m already aware of the accomplishment, I probably mention it first. If not, then “brag” about it, for goodness sakes. My son won’t ever score the winning touchdown - he doesn’t even play football, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think the fact that an acquaintance’s kid being recruited by multiple colleges is pretty darn neat. An exception to the rule - and maybe that’s more what’s meant on this thread: an acquaintance who extends bragging rights from a two-way conversation into a monologue.</p>