<p>citygirlsmom, sweetie, I have NO knowledge about the quality of your relationships with your daughters. I have not been privy to your interactions, so I will take you at your word that you don’t “go off” on them. However, I can tell from your posts directed toward ME that you ARE “going off” on me, and you ARE overreacting to what I have said (and <em>IMHO</em>, to the OP’s original issue). </p>
<p>I have expressed <em>MY</em> opinion only. My confidence in the way I deal with issues related to my children comes from the many results I have seen. But I am also the FIRST to admit that there are many and varied paths to raising happy, healthy, and ethically decent children. Personally, I rarely stand in judgment…you know, the ol’ “but for the grace of” dealio. </p>
<p>That I would choose not to make a federal case of this event or allow it to shatter precious trust in my child does not mean that there are many things I wouldn’t take a tougher stance on…my kids are VERY well aware of what those things are, but because I have not overwhelmed them with arbitrary limits and microscopic examination, they freely and willingly abide by the major rules, so far without question <em>knock on wood</em>. </p>
<p>My trust in my children–and their trust in ME–is the most precious thing that I “own.” Yes, I trust my children, and yes, they have EARNED that trust, but that does NOT mean that I am blind enough to believe that they are perfect or that they never behave in ways of which I might disapprove. However, their records, like that of the OP’s D, speak for themselves. </p>
<p>Hey guys, chill a bit Remember, we all read the post from OUR perspective; if things are going great, you cannot imagine not trusting your kiddo. If you are in theOP’s position, you don’t want to imagine not being able to trust your D, you want to find a way to explain it away. I agreed with CGM because we recently saw an issue with a BF where we should have said & done more sooner and yes, trust was shot and it took time to rebuild it and in the early stages, it was very normal for me to mentally jump to bad/sad/mad conclusions when things were suspicious…I did not act on those feelings, watched and waited, and, thank God, was usually wrong in my imaginings, but still it takes time to build up trust. If I had acted sooner on my thoughts and if I had shared suspicions sooner with H (who would have overreacted) I could have helped my D avoid some negative consequences and could have gotten the loser out of her life sooner…which is what she wanted!</p>
<p>So, I read CGM from the fresh perspective of some one who does not want anything swept under the rug. If there is a trust issue, don’t pretend it’s all fine, hit bottom ASAP and start rebuilding. Not bringing it up will not allow mom to trust her D any better, so just talk about the elephant in the room and get back to a good place :)</p>
<p>While I agaree with respecting parental views, last time I looked, 18 makes you an adult. It would be hard to follow perceived unreasonable rules at this age so close to departing home. It sounds like this girl has a good head on her shoulder but a very conservative mother. It seems like she’s trying to keep the peace at home while growing and changing. And if she really was where she said she was going, and just didn’t mention the boyfriend would be there, I don’t think it’s a trust buster. I’ve been away from home at boarding school since I was 14. We have a lot of freedom. Many of us spent a year abroad during high school. I can honestly say that only a very small percentage of kids here did much they wouldn’t confide to a mom they had a good relationship with. The point is that my school chose mature, respectful kids and most all can nicely handle their own lives at 18. Yet on vacations home I met a lot of less responsible kids who did a lot of lying to their parents. I just think there’s something about knowing when a kid is a good, mature person with strong judgement and backing off. If a kid has given you problems historically, that’s one thing. An 18 year old finding private time with her boyfriend and contemplating sex is totally different.</p>
<p>Aries, if nothing else we’ve all watched Sex in The City and know there are, ummm, differences among men. I could not imagine agreeing to marry someone I did not know in every important way. And not to shock anyone, but my mother agrees with me on this. She thinks I should absolutely live with someone for at least 2 years before marrying. She used to be a divorce lawyer.</p>
<p>It appears I have started WWIII here, instead of at home. I thought this might be a contentious topic…
I am definitely NOT a conservative Mom. If she chooses to have sex, now or later, I may be disappointed if its not a relationship I think is worth it, but I won’t think she is a bad person. Like I said, I was no angel, I turned out OK, and my kids are nowhere near what I was like. My original and current inclination is to have a talk with my D about sex and its repsonsibilities, etc. and NOT to tell her what I found out. I feel that telling her would destroy whatever trust she has in me, so that if she needed my opinion or advice later on, she wouldn’t come to me. Will I be more vigilant in keeping track of her whereabouts? You bet. Will I start calling private homes or parents to check up on her? No. But I can ask lots of questions. I’ve found that a few well-worded questions (esp. when you’re holding back information) can make your kid think you have ESP. They wonder how dumb old Mom could be so smart?</p>
<p>By the way to correct CGM, she definitely was NOT in the BF home. They’re in the dark too. I’m pretty sure she was at the house she was supposed to be in, sans parents, plus 2 BFs.</p>
<p>I think AnonMom will achieve the result I’m talking about by different means. I guess where we differ is the “elephant in the room” business. At some point I would confront her about it, perhaps not today, not right now, as Anonmom says just become more vigilant, but at some point before she leaves for school. Maybe when she starts questioning why all of sudden are you checking up on me Mom?
Another issue in this situation that is sticky is the kid leaving the IM up on a “public” computer. At some point I would want to point out to her that leaving up an IM on a computer in your dorm room can lead to bad stuff, because who knows who might come by and read it - not quite as bad as Myspace, but imagine if you were mad at your roomie and took it out in cyberspace?</p>
<p>I also think you can discuss this with your daughter and not destroy her trust in you - I think her estimation of your gullibility might need a little shaking up - not only did she do this and lie about it but left the discussion up on her computer for the world to see - would you be having these thoughts and concerns if her Dad had found the IM?
I guess I would let my hurt and anger die down a little then discuss all these issues with her - how wrong it is to tell someone you are in one place when you are actually somewhere else, how unprivate a computer can be, and to protect yourself from sex.
My kid would be mad for awhile, perhaps, but I think she would after reflection, realize discussing such private things in IM demands that you delete them, and that as she becomes an adult, common courtesy requires that people you are living with know where you are and when you will be home.</p>
<p>Well, it seems that she did not lie about where she was. She just did not fully disclose who else would be there - maybe because she didn’t think her parents would trust her enough to allow her to spend the night if they knew?</p>
<p>I think cgm is right. It is unacceptable to lie to parents, or to spouses/significant others, about basic trust issues, such as where one is overnight and who is there. </p>
<p>It is also IMO a breach of trust to intentionally withhold from parents or spouses basic information, such as the absence of parents and the presence of boyfriends, that would obviously be of interest to the parents/spouses if only they knew.</p>
<p>As suggested above, a simple, necessary step is to confirm with host parents that such “sleepovers” are in fact taking place and that the parents will be there at the time.</p>
<p>I would not “confront” over this incident. I would resolve to be more vigilant, to be certain to call host parents, and I would keep in the back of my mind that my kid has proven herself quite capable of lying to me. </p>
<p>Kids, good kids, never think they are exercising bad judgment, never think that anything bad could happen. But nevertheless they often ARE exercising bad judgement, as was proven once again here. Bad things CAN happen. Therefore, parents IMO must be unapologetic about their intention and responsibility to supervise teenagers.</p>
<p>“Although teenagers who take “virginity pledges” begin engaging in vaginal intercourse later than teens who have not committed to remain abstinent until marriage, they also are more likely to engage in oral or anal sex than nonpledging virgin teens and less likely to use condoms once they become sexually active, according to a study published in the April issue of the… Journal of Adolescent Health, the Washington Post reports.”</p>
<p>The problem is that all the pledges and promises in the world don’t mean much once the kids get caught up with the infatuation of being in love and hormones take over. And parents who are thinking in terms of objective and rational rules and expectations simply are ignoring the reality that the kids are acting under the pull of emotions.</p>
All the more reason, in my opinion, for parents to ACT like parents and provide some supervision and rules. Given that we all understand the nature of teenage hormones, I will never understand why people think that coed sleepovers are okay, or that kids can be left home alone while mom and dad have a quick weekend getaway. There’s a reason why so many teen pregnancies get started between the hours of 3:00 and 6:00 pm – no one’s home. I guess I just believe in chaperones.</p>
<p>I’ve found that co-ed sleepovers are not the problem as sex is not a group activity (usually…ehh) and my daughter went to many after special events. The problem is when you think you know where your child is, but you really don’t. Even if it doesn’t involve sex I GUARENTEE THIS WILL HAPPEN before your kids leave the nest. If your kids are over 16 it’s probably already happened and we are all going to be none the wiser. It’s part of feeling out their independence. Good kids all reach a point where they need privacy from their parents, and if it happens before the age of 18 or while they are still living in the house, they will be forced to lie, or at least fudge on the details, if the parents insist they have a right to know everything. It’s just a part of growing up.</p>
<p>Ariesathena, I am in complete agreement with you. I hope my daughter meets people like you in college. You have every right to be proud of yourself!</p>
<p>I’m in a “parenting group” & our discusssion this week was what to do if you discover information about your kid or their friends from emails, IMs, etc. First rule was: don’t go looking for it. Your relationship with your kid is the 1st priority. If you find info that you shouldn’t have been privy to, sometimes you have to act as if you don’t know what you shouldn’t. That’s the hard part.</p>
<p>In reading through the responses here, the D didn’t lie about where she was. That’s important. She just didn’t give all the details. That’s part of being a teenager. You can’t confront her on that - it’s a sure way to make sure she never tells you anything. You just have to let it go, & give her the benefit of the doubt. </p>
<p>Maybe you need to ask more questions when she sleeps out, like “who else is going to be there?” Or if parents are away, “I’d prefer if you and your friends sleep at our house.” My kids & I have a good relationship, and (so far) have been good kids, high achievers & haven’t been into partying. Even so, I still wouldn’t allow them to sleep at a house where I knew parents weren’t home. </p>
<p>Q: Did you know the parents were away? If you did & she has a BF, that should have raised the red flag. Thinking back to my HS days, if I was your daughter, I might think that you suspected my BF would also be there & by letting me go, you weren’t disapproving.</p>
<p>As I stated then, and as was evidenced in the NBC study and show, open communication with your kids is vital, and it’s something which has to be built over many years. </p>
<p>Although I agree that it’s a problem when your child lies about their whereabouts, a safety issue if nothing else, I don’t see it, in this situation, as something which should be a catalyst for a big clampdown. When a child is preparing to go off to college in a few months, now is not the time to suddenly ‘imprison’ them, whether literally or figuratively. You have limited time left in which to influence their decisions, some may say that it is too late even now. Rushing in and creating a confrontation about an issue such as this is, in my opinion, a big mistake, and likely will not only not prevent such issues in the future but will more than likely push your child away from you, and as a result, from any good advice you may be in a position to give. </p>
<p>Trust is an important component of parent/child relationships but it goes both ways. If your child trusts you to respect their privacy and not read private messages on their computer, then admitting that you did so, will likely break the trust, much as their lying about where they are might break your trust in them. As a mom of four Ds and as a counsellor of thousands of teens over the years, I know that while most teens are truthful most of the time, it is a rare teen, indeed, who does not lie/fib/bend the truth occasionally. In a situation such as this one we’re discussing, I think the pick-your-battles scenario definitely comes into play. The opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about sexual activity prior to kids going off to college is one which shouldn’t be neglected. As was stated earlier here, kids who make these virginity pledges are much more likely to be in a situation where they have unprotected sex than kids who don’t. The reality is that the majority of these pledges are not only not being kept until marriage, they’re not being kept until the kids leave high school.</p>
<p>Anonmom4 I think the approach you plan to take is the right one. I had a similar experience regarding my D last year when she was a senior and 18. I did not confront her on the sleepover “omission” which I learned about by connecting some dots (not IM). She was/is a great kid, very responsible, definitely private when it comes to some topics. At the risk of sounding an irresponsible parent, I tend to agree with Suze on giving a little leeway and privacy in this period as she prepares to leave for college. I would address the safe/respectful sex topic; prom season is definitely a factor. You can certainly ask more questions about sleepovers going forward.</p>
Remember, we all read the post from OUR perspective; if things are going great, you cannot imagine not trusting your kiddo. If you are in theOP’s position, you don’t want to imagine not being able to trust your D, you want to find a way to explain it away. I agreed with CGM because we recently saw an issue with a BF where we should have said & done more sooner and yes, trust was shot and it took time to rebuild it and in the early stages, it was very normal for me to mentally jump to bad/sad/mad conclusions when things were suspicious…I did not act on those feelings, watched and waited, and, thank God, was usually wrong in my imaginings, but still it takes time to build up trust. If I had acted sooner on my thoughts and if I had shared suspicions sooner with H (who would have overreacted) I could have helped my D avoid some negative consequences and could have gotten the loser out of her life sooner…which is what she wanted!</p>
Oh, NO problem…the WEATHER can be a “contentious topic” on THESE boards! 
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