<p>I have no good advice, but your post made my heart hurt for all of you… :(</p>
<p>I am stunned by the actions of the step mom, however well-intentioned. Truly stunned.</p>
<p>Very bizarre that so many adults are involved with a teenage romance.</p>
<p>Breaking up with that family is dodging a bullet if you ask me. Imagine marrying into a family like that where everyone knows all you business and then sets out a course of correction for you? So if they do indeed get back together, they will be manipulated by the inlaws. Funtimes</p>
<p>Oh no, no, the boy’s family is just as involved. The stepmom spoke with the girl’s mom. Tell me that’s normal. If any of my girl’s ex-BF mom (or stepmom) should call me, I would probably hang up the phone. Last thing they would want would be for the BF’s mom to take them out to lunch.</p>
<p>Break ups are so hard. I know what you’re saying about all the time together. Allowing the togetherness is sometimes about not wanting to become a force to unite against or something that pushes the couple together. </p>
<p>I agree with everyone who says be there to listen. Send a care package, and bite your tongue in half if you have to in order to keep from giving advice. Advice and opinions on whether or not it was the right move can backfire horribly. Don’t go there. Speaking from some experience here. </p>
<p>I’ve always develop a fondness for the bfs. Maybe it’s not having sons of my own? I don’t know. I never assume, however, that anyone is too young or that the relationships are silly. I used to, but I’ve been in higher Ed a long time, and as technology improves, I’ve noticed high school couples staying together, even getting married after college. While it’s not common, I’ve seen more of it than I used to.</p>
<p>OP, hugs to you. But believe me, this is better than the other way. My D and her long-distance boyfriend lingered over the breakup for her whole freshman year before making it final a week after coming home for the summer. Ripping off the band-aid would have saved her a whole lot of misery. It doesn’t help you or him right now, I know, but it’s something to keep in mind.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I recommend not contacting her, ever, about the breakup.</p>
<p>@roshke -</p>
<p>no nothing in our religious background, but cultural, I suppose you could call it cultural…</p>
<p>we’re from a small town…a very small town</p>
<p>the type of town where you don’t have to lock your doors, the type of town that your neighbors will let you know if they saw someone at your house that they didn’t recognize, the type of town that you don’t have to worry about not knowing where your kids are…</p>
<p>but also the type of town where EVERYONE knows everyone else’s business, the type of town where you can’t avoid people that you don’t want to run into, the type of town that you are never annonymous when you leave your house… (a big part of the reason that my son opted to go to school 500 miles away! :))</p>
<p>Welcome to the rural midwest?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>What the heck?!? They are treating these young people like they are pawns, players in a game to be manipulated. For the love of all that is sane some other adult in this situation needs to shut these two down, and any other adults planning on intervening in this relationship. There are waaayyy too many people involved in this relationship and quite frankly in the end it may have been one of the deciding factors that broke them apart. No decision was ever about the two of them…they always had to consider a contingent of exponential family members. It’s hard enough to have a relationship with two people, let alone when their families are so involved. You expect this, tolerate it, even welcome this, in a MARRIAGE. These are TEENAGERS. It is quite likely this young man went to college and realized the the relationship he had at home was not quite the norm, with so many others involved. Perhaps he just wants to try being in a relationship where no one discusses the relationship but he and his gf? Perhaps if he and his gf hit a rough spot he wants to know his mother isn’t going to call the gf and ask her to lunch?</p>
<p>OP, please do not take this young lady to lunch. Don’t call or contact her in any way. Encourage all other adults that want to get involved in any way to stay on their sides of the fence and simply support either their son or daughter. Everyone here needs to learn some boundaries. I appreciate the rural mid-west. I lived in a very similar town in central wester PA. Lovely place to raise a family. It doesn’t excuse not allowing your children to have personal boundaries and handling a romantic relationship on their own. If they are not given the space to do this they are very likely to shut you out of information regarding relationships in the future for fear of intrusion or manipulation.</p>
<p>^i may have grown up in that town! Are we talking the kind of place where people commonly settle down with someone they’ve known all their lives or a place where they come back after a few years? I would love to live in that kind of a place again, but I can understand why people, especially young people, so desperately want to leave. </p>
<p>And I understand just how awkward it might be to run into GF or her family, especially if they were the kind to expect an early marriage to a local boy (yours!). But, even people in small towns know it doesn’t always work out. The girl’s family will get over it. You will run onto them and exchange pleasantries about the weather or what you might bring to the next church potluck. That should be the extent of your contact for a while. Don’t avoid, but you don’t have to seek them out, either.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yes, and it’s kind of creepy.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Huh?!</p>
<p>What I meant Nrdsb4, was when you are older, married, you make decisions based on extended families (some times it’s a pain, some times not), but this added complication is not something these young people should be dealing with at this age/stage.</p>
<p>
oldfort, I have the same speech in my repertoire. I’ve had way too much experience delivering it. Whatever happens in the future, I would like to be the mom of the person who does the breaking up instead of the one who’s broken up with. Not that that’s easy, I’m sure - but I’d like to know from experience just once. I probably say too much. I’ve said some terrible things about my kids’ exes (not as bad as they deserve, but still). It hasn’t backfired yet, but I’ll be sorry if one of my kids should ever re-unite with a Bad Boyfriend. It’s hard to bite your tongue when your kid is hurting.</p>
<p>The OP’s son’s situation does have a large cast of supporting characters. The stepmom and girl’s mom seem to be WAY out of line. Some moms have such a hard time losing the boyfriend/girlfriend. When one of my d’s boyfriends broke up with her, his mom was texting my d during the breakup conversation with comments like “I hope this is just temporary” and “you’ll always be part of our family.” </p>
<p>Glad I won’t be sharing any grandkids with that lady (I hope!).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>After reading through this long thread, I have to say that I second the view of frazzled and others who say all the adults should just stay out of this. I believe that the stepmom and anyone else talking to the girlfriend and taking her out to lunch/talking to the girlfriend’s mom, etc. is being incredibly disrespectful of the son. He broke up with the girl. It’s his decision and those around him should respect it, not side with the girlfriend, which is exactly how this appears. One of the most hurtful things my mother ever did IMO was to continue to talk to my ex-husband after I divorced him. She liked him and was sad that he was part of our family. DUH??? When I heard about it all, it felt like a huge slap in the face. Maybe you disagree with your adult child’s decision to end a relationship, but it’s his/her decision and the best thing to do is to be there and listen and offer support.</p>
<p>I agree with blueiguana. What the heck? These are teenagers. This is a high school romance, not a marriage. Even if it were a marriage, why are the parents even thinking of getting involved? One of the problems in my marriage is my narcissistic MIL’s meddling in our relationship. She has no business butting in to our private life. I know some kids share more with their parents than others about relationshps, but I really think we should just be there to listen. About the only time we should intervene would be in an abusive situation.</p>
<p>I know a family that got very embroiled in their S’s 6 year long romance. The girl was the only child of a divorced mom with a dad living abroad. They both ended up being part of the family. Everyone assumed it would end it marriage after college graduation.</p>
<p>The parents made plans to attend the girl’s college graduation. These plans were made with the knowledge of the girl and her mom. Less than a month before graduation, the guy dumped the girl for someone else. Trying to be “big” and having genuinely come to love the girl, they adhered to their plan and attended the girl’s graduation–sans son.</p>
<p>Girl’s mom blew up half way through the weekend and really told them off. She said that having them there and their efforts to maintain a friendship with this young woman was truly painful for her D who just didn’t know how to tell them “stay away from me” after 6 years of being made to feel a member of their family. She liked them; she didn’t want to hurt their feelings by asking them not to come. The boy’s mom later told me that going was a huge mistake. </p>
<p>I think the mom was right. Taking the girl out to lunch, especially after step mom’s conduct, is the opposite of ripping off a band aid. You’re trying to be kind but it’s not kind.</p>
<p>Of course, the FIRST reason not to contact her is to honor son’s right to live his own life. I’m just pointing out that I don’t really think it’s kind to the girl to interject yourself into her life.</p>
<p>I think families really need to not be involved with each other. I think it’s great to be kind if you bump into her somewhere but shouldn’t get involved otherwise. It sends mixed signals to her and I don’t think it’s fair to your S.</p>
<p>My cousin’s BF of three years broke up with her right before Christmas. His family I think feels very guilty and is trying to keep up a good relationship with her and it’s just keeping her from getting closure-- I just don’t think it’s appropriate.</p>
<p>DS has just went through his second breakup as a sophomore with his GF of 6 years. This was a couple who were each others best friend and acted like they just started dating right up until the month before what appears to be the final breakup. By that I mean, when they were together, they talked and carried on like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks…</p>
<p>Freshman year out of the blue within the first month, she broke up and he was devastated as expected. By Christmas, they were back together. Through summer, they seemed content but double jobs kept them working more than hanging out. Then, fall comes and they breakup again but seemed to come around again over Christmas break. But now, it’s over and ds claims it’s because she was too needy and his program is too demanding. But she’s already dating a new guy so I think he’s saving face with his explanation. And she’s turned into quite a partier and ds is more laid back hanging out with a small group of dorm mates. She, on the other hand, is constantly posting animal house type photos I caught through my son’s FB account, (which I since deactivated). Then they unfriended one another when the new bf showed up. </p>
<p>So yes, I’m too involved although son tells me nothing directly except “I’m fine…” I hear the real facts through his older sister whom he confides in.</p>
<p>We’re friends with the ex gf’s parents so things have become strained with them as we both sidestep talking about the kids breakup so that makes me sad…but I catch references to the new boyfriend in conversations and my heart breaks. I really liked this young lady and I waffle between missing her and wanting to scream at her: how could you hurt my son; twice, like this!!!</p>
<p>The thing that makes me so sad is my son is a very reserved, low-key kid who makes friendships slowly yet deeply so this has hurt him hard …</p>
<p>Just wanted to vent…I yearn for the day this is just a small bump in his road through life (;</p>
<p>When I stated in my post “I deactivated a FB account…” I meant my own, not my son’s. it was too tempting to become a “mom stalker” of sorts );</p>