<p>Kelsmom,
Do make sure that you’re getting the emotional and other support that you need. It is extremely difficult to cope with the death of a loved one, and that can leave you vulnerable to stress-related accidents and illnesses. Take the time to be kind to yourself including by eating healthfully and not taking on too much physical and other work, and to allow yourself and others to support each other by talking about memories of your brother and feelings related to his death.</p>
<p>Kelsmom-Sending you my deepest sympathies. I’m sure you will be a great comfort to your niece. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Kelsmom-I am so sorry for your loss. My brother died suddenly three years ago (by suicide), and also did not leave a will. It took months to unravel everything. The funeral director gave my sister-in-law a pamphlet that outlined the usual legal and practical matters that need to be taken care of. Do your best to keep good records of what has been done regarding the estate–keep copies of everything. And accept offers of help. I live 1000 miles from where my brother lived. Once I got back from the funeral, I felt a little funny accepting offers from friends to bring dinners, etc., but I really wasn’t capable of even simple decision-making (what to fix for dinner) for awhile. Take care.</p>
<p>kelsmom, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family strength and peace.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear of your loss.</p>
<p>I agree with taking your time handling everything. I lost my Mom this past May and there are still outstanding issues to take care of that I am having difficulty getting to. It will still be there when I get to it.</p>
<p>I also agree that the family’s emotional needs - especially his child’s - need to be addressed first.</p>
<p>Kelsmom - Very sorry to hear of your loss. It’s always a shock when a family member dies suddenly. I concur with those who have suggested that you find support for yourself and you niece FIRST. It will be a long journey helping your niece deal with this tragedy… frankly, no 21-year-old should have to.</p>
<p>You’ll need help securing your brother’s residence ASAP. As many others have suggested, you’d be well advised to retain a lawyer to help with guidance and filings and such. If your brother lived OOS you may need a lawyer who practices in that state. Someone needs to go through your brothers records and make a list of what’s found. Most people have a safety deposit box. Find the key. If your brother’s residence is to remain empty, I’d recommend removing said records from the residence. Don’t close the checking account … all the automatic payments from that account will bounce.</p>
<p>It would be a great service to your brother’s daughter if a family member would agree to be the Executor (or at least co-Executor). Liquidating a lifetime is tedious, time-consuming work … best left to adults.</p>
<p>Good luck. My prayers are with you and your brother’s family.</p>
<p>PS, One more thing … after the funeral, re-read this thread. Collectively, the information is very good.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss - sounds almost like what my mother and her surviving brother dealt with when their other brother died unexpectedly in February (they are still dealing with things six months later, but that is the case in Florida, other states may be different). </p>
<p>Depending on the situation, since the death was at home there may have to be an investigation to rule out any crime before your brother is released to family for any funeral arrangements.</p>
<p>I know you mentioned you lived far away, that will be difficult to manage, but at least if your other brother lived there hopefully he could manage the day-to-day things with attorneys, etc. over time. Most of what I would contribute based on the experience with my uncle zebes and others have already mentioned - err on the “too many” side for getting death certificates and waiting on closing any checking accounts, if there is a trustworthy friend closeby to make sure any delivered mail is kept together while you and the rest of the family deal with arrangements that is good too.</p>
<p>If your brother was a member of any social group, veterans group or club use that as a resource - my uncle’s lodge was wonderful to us…finally - my uncle’s employer was a godsend as well, he worked for a small company that treated their employees like family, I hope that your brother’s employer is as helpful, particularly for the Social Security and life insurance end of things, or if he had a 401(k) or similar retirement account through them.</p>
<p>Best of luck - my prayers are with you</p>
<p>Gosh kelsmom I am so very sorry to hear your sad news. I don’t really have any advice about the practicalities but just wanted to send you some cyberhugs. Look after yourself. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}</p>
<p>kelsmom - Adding my sympathies and condolences to those expressed here and wishing you and your family peace and strength.</p>
<p>Just wanted to add my voice to chorus of sympathy. Will keep your family in my prayers…</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your advice & support. I am forwarding this to my brothers. I knew I would get good advice here.</p>
<p>My brother appears to have died of an accidental overdose. He battled addiction from the time he was 14, and he did have many good years before recent events. The brother who found him was unable to wake him up. He had to call 911 & deal with the coroner. This brother has severe depression, so it was very difficult on him. He handled it very well, but he is reeling from the events of yesterday afternoon. Family members will be there in the morning; we spent last night & today calling him often.</p>
<p>My niece’s mom lives in the same town as my niece. We tried to find a number for her, but no one had a working number (even the number in my brother’s cell phone didn’t work for her). We do not know where she lives - don’t know her current last name to find an address (they’ve been divorced for almost 20 years). My niece recently moved in with her boyfriend, so we didn’t know her address. In the end, we had no choice but to call her cell phone to talk to her. I cannot begin to explain how difficult it was to have that conversation with her. He had weaknesses, but my brother was a great dad who raised a wonderful child (he did not move away until she was in college).</p>
<p>My parents have faced some extreme challenges in the past two months. My mother has been experiencing episodes of delirium and what appears to be dementia. Getting her properly diagnosed has been an ordeal (not yet completed), and my father is exhausted. One brother spent a week, then I spent time a week later, and the brother who died spent a week there (he just left a week & a half ago). We did not think that our parents were going to be able to handle the news, so one of my brothers & I planned to fly to Florida this morning to tell them. In the meantime, though, it became clear that my niece really needed to talk to her grandparents. So I had to tell my parents that their youngest child was dead via telephone. My parents were so concerned for my niece that they handled it far better than we thought they could. My mom seems to have found some of her old self in order to handle this — she has been on the phone with my niece many times in the past 24 hours. While she is feeling a bit panicky & has been somewhat confused about when she talked to people, she wanted to call relatives and has handled it well. </p>
<p>My dad, one brother, and my niece flew to Nevada to take care of things (and the surviving NV brother). We absolutely want my niece to make the decisions about what to do with her dad’s body, etc. We would like to have him cremated there & brought back to our home state for a memorial service. It is my niece’s decision, though - and we will honor her wishes. My mom stayed in Florida because she isn’t up to traveling - but she won’t let me come stay with her (her friends are with her). She told me she needs to grieve & she can’t do that if her kids are there right now. </p>
<p>This is just surreal, as one brother said today. Life happens and we deal with it. However, nothing can prepare us for what it sometimes brings our way. Thanks again for the advice … and thank you so much for the support.</p>
<p>Kelsmom - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I understand “surreal” - my dad passed away suddenly many years ago and I will always remember the bizzare feeling that sorrounded the entire ordeal. The fact that I was thousand of miles away did not help either…</p>
<p>kelsmom, I just found the thread. I’m so sorry… Big hugs to you. I understand what you mean as well - “surreal” is how I felt when my father died unexpectedly. Hang in there.</p>
<p>kelsmom, I’m sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))</p>
<p>kelsmom, I am so sorry.</p>
<p>Going through check registers, either electronic or hard copy, would help find out what’s going on, like life insurance payments. What about his email addresses? He might have been getting some statements electronically. Many statements come out at least quarterly, but if he’s not getting a copy mailed, could be more difficult to track down. Bank statements and credit card bills will help.</p>
<p>Re: contacting your niece’s college, I recall a story in which the student’s father had passed away. They contacted the college financial aid office…which promptly reduced the student’s scholarship due to life insurance proceeds. They got help in arguing that life insurance should be treated as retirement funds.</p>
<p>kelsmom, I too am sorry and sending you hugs. Remember in all the flurry of detail and activity to give yourself some space to simply grieve.</p>
<p>kelsmom, My heart aches for you and your family. It sounds as though you and your family members are handling this tragedy as best as can be expected. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers…</p>
<p>You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for the update, you are on my mind…</p>
<p>Take care of yourself and your family. Sleep (if possible), eat (for me, it’s chicken soup or pasta), talk, cry. Then handle the estate stuff…it can wait a bit after the immediate concerns are handled.</p>
<p>kelsmom, I am so sorry that your brother has died. I’m also so grateful that his daughter has you and the rest of the family to support her.</p>
<p>Dear Kelsmom,
Having been through something quite similar (down to the lack of a will), I feel a great deal of empathy. The advice you are receiving is top-notch, of course. My small addition: Do not underestimate the toll that will be taken as you and yours go through various emotional, familial, legal and bureaucratic hoops. If there is no immediate need to rush, take it one step at a time and leave time for grief and talk and sleep.</p>