Get her a nice box of thank you notes as a housewarming present…they can even be papyrus. Give her a sheet of stamps. Explain that a nice note lasts forever, and should be what she does in appreciation. That will save her a ton on her “thank you” budget.
"I went off budget some years ago. New house, my third child, some extra money after two years of extreme stinting, and I just became a full time stay at home mom. It’s worse than going off a diet. With credit cards, and invisible bills, a credit line on the checking account that was a big HELOC at a low interest rate. Oh, yeah. Snacks and outings for the kids, birthday parties, new friends, shopping. "
My personal observation is that when someone is at home full time, it’s very easy to spend money. It just becomes a thing to do - lunches with friends, let’s stop off at the bookstore, etc.
What have you all taught your kids? I have to say - I never really learned about money when I was growing up. My parents both spent and never really denied us much. Shopping was a form of amusement / recreation. It was fun, don’t get me wrong – but now I just know it’s not sustainable.
Our kids see us economizing on the small stuff (turn the heat down when you leave the house, stock up on sale, etc.) because they know that that enables us to do the big stuff (e.g., college).
They each have credit cards and pay off (small) balances every month. One of them uses Mint.com; the other isn’t quite so detailed, but I know they don’t use up their allowances. If anything, I need to encourage them that it’s ok to have some fun! It’s so different from how I was raised. I was really lucky I married someone who, while at times can be cheap, has a long-term plan about these things.
“Why thank her? I wouldn’t. Not at all. My “lack of thanks” would have been a clear message that the flowers weren’t appreciated…which they weren’t.”
There’s a certain level of humanity, though. I agree with OP that you still thank for the flowers - and at a later point mention that “you can just call or send a note, you don’t need to spend $100 on flowers and $5 on a papyrus card.” You won’t accomplish anything by not-thanking.
“What does that mean, “$2.18 below budget” ?? She has a budget for sending flowers?”
This is how my mom thinks, too.
We found she’d been buying a lot of food at Walgreen’s - because in the city, it’s more convenient to go there versus a food store. Well, we all know food there is more expensive than at a grocery store. “But I get points.” Nope, doesn’t matter. These points aren’t worth it.
"Maybe they’ll realize that they don’t need as much as they think they do. If your relatives do come up with a list of stuff they “need”, you could say–I can’t give you this much. Let’s see what we can cut out of this list. If you try to include the relative in the decision making so that she feels like she has some say in it, could the outcome be better? "
Bromfield - nice suggestion, but the point is - these are people who just don’t realize what is necessary and what is luxury. The first budget I had my mom put together - she had $250/month for drycleaning. I had to work her down to $60 and now, to very minimal. She put in charitable donations. I had to tell her - we’re just not at the point where you can give to charity, sorry.
Bromfield - here’s another example. My mother currently lives near a college campus where there are very low-cost music performances, theater performances, etc. literally within 50 yards of her front door. We suggested she go to those performances, or that my son could get her student-rate tickets for performances at his college, so she could have this kind of entertainment for $5, $10. She resisted very strongly, because she’d rather go to the Broadway-in-Chicago first-run performances which are, of course, many times more expensive (and involve parking). So to try to get her to “see” you could see a Broadway-in-Chicago play for $75 or see a student play for $5, so why not do the latter – it just doesn’t compute. I know.
i don’t have a dry cleaning budget…at all. If it says “dry clean only” I don’t buy it.
My son is a musician. He needs pressed dress and tux shirts for performances. Guess what he learned to do? IRON! Saves him a ton of money. And he knows it.
The only things that get dry cleaned around here are suits…but no one wears those!
When my older kid started grad school, I moved him in, and did his first grocery shopping with him. It was a new area of the country, so first we scouted out the stores. Yes, the local Whole Foods was nice. But way out of budget. The local grocery store was sort of high end…we agreed there were certain things ths needed to come from there…a nice piece of meat, for example. Then we went to a super Walmart…where we got enough food, toiletries, and the like to fill all of his storage areas in his apartment for a lot less than other places. Oh, and he learned to frequent to Follar Tree for things like Spic and Span spray cleaner, and sponges. And yes, we got some nice meat at that grocery store for him.
Kids need to know there are options…and so do grown up parents who are on limited or fixed incomes. It’s a life skill, and yes, sometimes this needs to change over time.
Heck. There is a great section of organic food at Aldi. I don’t need to spend three times as much at Whole Foods.
And if I woildnt do it for myself, I certainly would not do it for my parent!
My sympathies to everyone who is experiencing these difficulties with your elderly parents.
The only observation that I have to add is that even someone who is “cheap” on the surface may have to fight acqusitive habits or tendencies. Even if that person only has $10 to spend, it’s easy to go to a dollar or thrift store (if transportation is still available) and buy 10 worthless things just to get that buying rush. Increase that sum by any multiple and it’s not difficult to run up expenditures and pile up needless things. Then the rush one got from acquisition is over and the need to buy arises again. It is very much like an addiction.
As hard as it is to overcome a lifetime of spending habits and downsize from a lifestyle is also the seeming need to acquire things. It’s not the same, obviously, but I’ve seen people borrowing the maximum number (50+) of books at the local library at a time and bring suitcases to drag books home. I can see that they might be real bookworms, but it’s also possible that the delight of “acquisition” kind of takes over. Same with the people who spend time just walking the clearance aisles at every store and delighting in the “find” because they are “saving money.”
^^ Agreed. And “retail therapy” truly brings joy to people who are lonely and depressed. For people who have less resources, they may have to learn to get their joy by going to Dollar Store instead and limit their spending.
As many people have said to me it’s cheaper for them to spend $10 a day on frivolous purchases than to see a therapist.
If you can’t afford to shop at Nordstrom, then you need to stop shopping at Nordstrom.
I love to shop…but I bargain shop. One of my kids is moving into an apartment with all William-Sonoma and Crate and Barrel dishes, all clad cookware, cuisinart blender, cuisenart toaster, cuisenart food processor, Kitchenaid hand mixer, and some items from Sur l’ table too. All bought at a great thrift store (most of it brand new…probably purchased by a shopper who didn’t need it). Lucky us!
My kids are both musicians…one professional, one hobby. But both needed black slacks all the time. First stop…goodwill. If nothing there, then we headed to Banana Republic and the Gap, or Express.
Yes, some sport to shopping…but it’s different to shop spending $10 for fun than shopping to spend $1000 for fun…in my opinion.
Sorry…this is a short digression from the OP.
But maybe the take home is that if one has limited means, one should be doing the $10 for fun shopping, not the $1000 for fun shopping.
And I do want to add…I do shop full price for certain things that I want or need. But I have the means to do so.
I don’t think the spending was necessarily “excessive” in the sense of - go to Nordstrom on a whim and come home $2,000 lighter. There were never any crazy splurges or shopping sprees. It was just never done in the context of tradeoffs – look, that’s a cute handbag and I really like it - and if I go buy this handbag today, I should cut down on eating out the rest of this month.
Or what some of us do…“gee I like that little handbag at Nordies. Wonder if I can get it online cheaper?”
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The first budget I had my mom put together - she had $250/month for drycleaning.
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lol…I don’t spend $250 a YEAR on drycleaning.
$250/month…Wouldn’t that be about 20-40 garments a month?
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Why thank her? I wouldn't. Not at all. My "lack of thanks" would have been a clear message that the flowers weren't appreciated....which they weren't."
There’s a certain level of humanity, though. I agree with OP that you still thank for the flowers - and at a later point mention that “you can just call or send a note, you don’t need to spend $100 on flowers and $5 on a papyrus card.” You won’t accomplish anything by not-thanking.
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I can understand that. My thinking was that by “not thanking,” the MIL would mention it, and then that would be an opportunity to mention how expenses like that just can’t be sustained. I guess an alternative would be…“About those flowers, they sure are pretty. But MIL, we really do not want you spending your precious dollars on us. A hug of thanks would be good enough. Please don’t send us flowers again.”
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One of my kids is moving into an apartment with all William-Sonoma and Crate and Barrel dishes, all clad cookware, cuisinart blender, cuisenart toaster, cuisenart food processor, Kitchenaid hand mixer, and some items from Sur l' table too. All bought at a great thrift store (most of it brand new...probably purchased by a shopper who didn't need it). Lucky us!
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I think @thumper1 could have a new career teaching people how to get the stuff they love at bargain prices. 
Remember that some have posted about “love languages”? I think a lot of these folks who end up in financial trouble have giving and receiving gifts as a predominant love language for them. It is not easy to learn new “love languages” at age 80, or a lot of other things. You have so many decades of memory that get in the way.
That may be, though it’s my observation that for people for whom gifts are the love language, it’s the customization of the gift to the person’s tastes that is the act of love, not necessarily the expense.
I think there are many who like/love getting and giving “stuff,” and some value the customization while others the expense and extarvagance. Marketers love those who like conspicuous consumption.
Marketers like all kinds of different people depending on the target for the brand 
I’m a marketer, and there are plenty of products that I consult for where there’s no conspicuous consumption to be had (medication, weight loss services, etc.). Marketers try to understand motivations, of which conspicuousness is only one of many. But I digress This thread is cathartic for me!!
If your MIL was truly wealthy and didn’t sell off her stuff (or had it stolen) you might consider selling some of it. Mr. Ellebud’s family member has a REAL Paul Revere silver set. They have no money. If they sold it (or other of the very expensive things) they could live the rest of their lives with lots of comfort. As long as they refuse to discuss this issue I refuse to assist their lifestyle.
And yes, I get it. It would be horrible to sell off family antiques. It hasn’t been done…get over it.
I could write an article on this topic. I have an elderly client with this entitlement attitude. Her $25,000 credit bill was written off, and she resents that she received a tax form stating that as income. Her deceased spouses bills were all written off. She thinks her daughters are cheap for only sending $1000 a month. What are luxuries to me, like hair cuts, car cleanings, manicures, are essentiLs to her.
To the OP, I would NEVER give $1000 a month, while she has credit cards. I would be checking that rent was paid monthly. I suspect you will end up paying that. I would give her money ONLY at the end of the month. Get rid of all credit cards, just a debit card so you can check on spending. If she pays rent and spends less than the thousand, okay, but I in Evelyn doubt that she will. I know you know she won’t comply with a budget. I’d also put her on waiting list for senior housing, in my area, the WL is two yeRs. I could hire a Guardian Ad Litem to handle money. When you talk of prescriptions , I will ask. For a generic. I care about the expense. I doubt this woman does.
Is there anything she cooks that you really like? You could say “A hug of thanks would be enough, or a plate of your great chocolate chip cookies!”. A $5 plate of cookies would be a lot cheaper than $100 worth of flowers!