<p>zooser, I would really just call the local police. They will give you someone to talk to that can give you direction.Tell them you just need help figuring out how to handle it. For all you know, they already know of the boy and/or his family. It can only help to call and ask.</p>
<p>Just a couple of “me-toos” and a little advice: First, try not to get hung up on labels. “Bullying”, Sexual Harassment", “Stalking” - all resonate but none are a precise fit for what you describe. Unfortunately, once you pick a label people will get hung up on issues relating to that label instead of what’s happening here and now. Try to describe what has happened in terms of discrete events, rather than relying generally on a category of behaviors. Second, do document what’s going on, to the extent possible using objective, verifiable means (phone records, internet traces, etc.) A lot of teenage boy-girl conflict does get blown out of proportion - you don’t want people to shrug and say “Well, she says X, but he says Y.” His parents probably will take that tack; a few documents demonstrating actual undeniable events will go a long way to breaking that log jam. And finally, don’t be too surprised or too discouraged if the police, your lawyer, etc., can’t or won’t help you out a lot. This kind of “It’s scary but nothing really bad has happened yet” situation is not really what those kinds of agencies are designed to deal with. If this is something which is limited to school-year actions, do take it up with the school as soon as possible. They have a duty to deal with this kind of problem.</p>
<p>Kluge thank you very much for the good advice. I’m working on getting documentation. It’s not limited to the school. Cyber stuff, phone calls and once in person. I do have the teacher as a witness, too, so that’s a good thing.</p>
<p>I think it absolutely matters what you call it and what it is called is “sexual harrassment”. In my state sexual harrassment in the schools is illegal and each school is required to have a written policy that includes a procedure for filing a greivance; schools may have policies against bullying but most states do not have laws on the books making bullying illegal. Call your school district office - they are open throughout the summer even if the school itself is closed and find out what the procedure is. File, if you have to with your state’s commision against discrimination.</p>
<p>Link to a report from The National Association of State Boards of Education on their recommendations re: sexual harrasment in the schools.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nasbe.org/Educational_issues/Reports/Sexual%20Harrass.pdf[/url]”>http://www.nasbe.org/Educational_issues/Reports/Sexual%20Harrass.pdf</a></p>
<p>Even if the school, etc say, well, nothing “bad” has really happened, you don’t want any of them to be in the position to say, gee, we had nooo idea this was going on</p>
<p>And I used those words bully and stalking, because this is beyond the usual school yard stuff, this is serious and the parents and the police and the school need to see it as such, whatver label you decide to use</p>
<p>This person has a pattern of harrasment, and intimidation that has been ignored basically by the powers that be, so going in with the same approach as othes have taken is not going to be affective</p>
<p>This person is also now 16, so there are the option of being dealt with as an adult in some jurisdictions</p>
<p>interesting that we call it bullying when they are in school, as somehow its less horrid, but if this same stuff was say, happening to your grandmother, I would guess it would be taken more seriouslly by those in power, and they need to be made aware of that</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.ncsl.org/programs/lis/cip/stalk99.htm[/url]”>http://www.ncsl.org/programs/lis/cip/stalk99.htm</a></p>
<p>How is harassment defined?</p>
<p>The law will vary from state to state, but in California a single call is enough to meet the definition of harassment if the caller threatens physical harm or is obscene. If the call does not fall into either of these categories, the calls must be repeated to be considered harassment.</p>
<p>Intent is another requirement included in most harassment definitions. The law generally requires that the harasser intend the calls to be viewed as harassment. Because of the need to prove intent, you should tell the harasser that you do not want to speak to the person and to stop calling. If the harasser persists after this clear message, it will be easier to prove that the intent was to harass.
<a href=“http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs2a-cellcalls.htm#2[/url]”>http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs2a-cellcalls.htm#2</a></p>
<p>BTW, in my real life I am a HR manager and if an employee came to me with a story like your daughter’s (especially as there are reliable witnesses) I’d be in the middle of a full on investigation.</p>
<p>If appropriate, here is a link to written policy on peer-to-peer (students) sexual harrassment in NYC school system.</p>
<p><a href=“http://docs.nycenet.edu/docushare/dsweb/Get/Document-46/A-831.pdf[/url]”>http://docs.nycenet.edu/docushare/dsweb/Get/Document-46/A-831.pdf</a></p>
<p>I guess the other issue is why a girl would put up with this, regardless of the family issues at hand…I am glad she is seeing someone to talk to</p>
<p>As for the other girls that support this animal, they are just as bad, and should also be brought into the equation, and should not be ignored</p>
<p>If a man was treating your wife or mother like this, would you just go to an attorney and say, said a letter?</p>
<p>But somehow, because they are school age, people don’t take it as seriously as it needs to be taken, as is evidenced that this animal (and I don’t much care what his reasons are, he is functioning in society enough to not get kicked out of school, to avoid arrest- though I am sure he probably deserves it-, and has been harrassing girls for years) that this animal has been doing this for a long time with little consequence even though many people are aware shows that his activities are ignored and passed on to the next generation of teachers</p>
<p>Again, if this was your mothers, I don’t think just getting a letter would do it for most of you</p>
<p>Sad that we expect young people to have to handle this garbage on their own </p>
<p>Zoosermom, be strong, show your D that you back her up and will do whatever it takes to get this to stop, and to protect other girls…you can do it…and wake that H of yours up, he needs to really take this seriously and show his D she is of value to him, because if he was that passive in other areas, bet she doesn’t think she can count on him to be part of the solution</p>
<p>DAD should be part of these phone calls, and should sign each and every document, this is a team effort</p>
<p>I agree with the folks who have suggested calling the cops now to ask for advice on how to proceed (at least in the short term). I would also contact the teacher who called you and ask her to give you a <em>written</em> statement of what she witnessed, what specifically made her so concerned, and what steps she took, including calling you. (Alternative: She gives a statement to the police or an attorney.) You taking notes of what she said in a meeting may not meet the standard for getting a restraining order, pressing charges, etc.</p>
<p>D needs to know she’s not alone in dealing with this individual.</p>
<p>Does your high school have a liaision with the police department.</p>
<p>You can find this out by calling the non-emergency number for the police or the admin offices of your school district.</p>
<p>Definatly do something about this. I would not wait for school to get out, because the boy probably thinks that you cannot do anything about him in the summer, and he may continue to do things to your d.</p>
<p>I would not call the parents. Let someone else deal with them–so that you don’t have to hear, “It’s not my child it’s yours.”</p>
<p>I can assure you that they have heard complaints about this kid before.</p>
<p>One question, when the teacher reported the behavior/outburst. Did they report that to anyone within the school system.</p>
<p>zooser,</p>
<p>While school is closed for students and teachers are finished for the year, Guidance, counselors, Pupil personnel services, APs, Social Workers, and Principals are still working until tomorrow. In addition since most principals are on a 12month calendar, is your D’s school does not hold summer school, find out where your principal is located and schedule a meeting.</p>
<p>attaching the Citywide standards of discipline and intervention measures. </p>
<p><a href=“http://schools.nyc.gov/parents/PDFs/DisciplineCode.pdf[/url]”>http://schools.nyc.gov/parents/PDFs/DisciplineCode.pdf</a></p>
<p>Boy’s behavior is a level 3, level 4 infraction.</p>
<p>Is there a SAPIS assigned to your school (Substance Abuse Prevention and Intervention Specialists ) as this would fall under their umbrella.</p>
<p>zoosermom,
I am late to the discussion, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that your family is going through this. Like others, I do believe that members of your school district administration, including the superintendent, are around during the summer. I believe that you should do your best to start with the school district, let them know what you have just learned, and tell them that you intend to pursue it through the police department immediately. Let’s see what the school administration says. It does sound like somebody dropped the ball there if the teacher called you at home. The school psychologist or someone in a similar position should have been notified by the teacher. There must be plans in place for mandated notifications. Please let us know when you have made contact.</p>
<p>If you live close to the school I would walk in. I know at our high school they don’t always answer the phone but they are there. It is also harder for them to dismiss things if you aren’t standing there in person. I would also advise calling the police. And as someone else suggested if your school has a police liason that would be someone worth speaking with. It is quite likely that this person might already have some knowledge and dealings with this boy.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose D was involved in a similar case. The D’s boyfriend was harassing another girl via cell phone, myspace and in person. The girl who was being harassed went to the police and reported it as a hate crime. (some of the comments were about this girls religious beliefs) My friends D who is a troubled girl was brought into it by the police, I don’t know the details but her Mom said she did not harass the girl. It turned out the girl who went to the police had posted some comments on my friends D myspace and it provoked the boyfriend who is of questionable character to begin harassing the other girl. I am not sure how it all happened but all three of them ended up going to Teen court and having to take some classes and were on probation. The point of this long story is that the police will and should take action. If the first person you speak with doesn’t act talk to someone else.
Good for you getting your D into therapy.</p>
<p>Honestly, I can’t believe that you haven’t contacted the local police. If you’re too afraid at this point to give out the bully’s name, you should at least explain the situation to the police and see what they recommend you do. I know you just found out about all of this, but I don’t think I could sleep tonight without having contacted the police to see what they think. Waiting for the school or your attorney to call you back is really such as passive way of handling things. </p>
<p>Forget about accumulating evidence for the time being and see if the police think that you have something to worry about. </p>
<p>It seems to me that the bully has got you bullied, too.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, </p>
<p>You seem to be receiving lots of good advice, so i won’t pile on. I just wanted to add a comment–what worries me the most is that this bully seems to be crossing any reasonable boundary–most times a bully doesn’t behave in a threatening manner in front of those who are in a position of power over him. The fact that the bully exploded in school in front of a teacher is frightening–it seems he doesn’t recognize any limits and could be downright dangerous. He doesn’t seem to be in full control of himself and that is the scariest thing of all. He needs to be stopped right now before his behavior escalates any further. He needs big time help in addition to a swift kick where he sits. Whatever action you choose to take will hopefully get the attention of his family and/or the authorities to defuse this ticking time bomb before he explodes.</p>
<p>I agree with acinva. Call them already.</p>
<p>“Physical threats, cyber threats, prank phone calls, spreading of vicous gossip, ordering pornographic material sent to our house, calling my daughter a whore every time she speaks in class, physical intimidation – getting in her face, screaming over her, one incident of him exploding in class when daughter answered a question”</p>
<p>This is not bullying, it is harrassment and it borders on illegal. </p>
<p>Save all phone messages, emails, materials sent to the house. Contact the local authorities and describe what is being done and explain that it is a minor doing it. Ask them what can be done from a legal stand point. </p>
<p>We had 2 boys that were doing similar things to my D and a friend down the block. In our case, the boys made the one mistake of using an anti-semetic slur, and then vandalized our neighbors lawn/house. It became a “hate crime” and the boys were required to write letters of apology, pay restitution to the neighbors to repair their lawn and attend classes at the local cc on tolerance.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, in the other cases, does the boy have a habit of continuing the behavior over the summer, or does it become out of sight out of mind for him? </p>
<p>Bear in mind that I’m a 3rd-generator chronic worrier–and that the things I worry about never happen–but it couldn’t hurt to look into home, car, and personal alarms if you don’t already have them, women’s self-defense classes for your D., being more cautious about the mail, even Lo-jack for her car if she has one. Especially if this person has access to an automobile or there’s good public transportation where you live. </p>
<p>Again, keep in mind that at heart I’m an alarmist (especially about petite daughters!), but Boysx3 raises a good point about the bully having broken a boundary when he exploded in front of a teacher. Usually once a person breaks a taboo like that, they keep on breaking it.</p>
<p>I’ve gotten some really good advice from all of you, much of it confirming what I already thought but was being argued against by my husband. I printed out Chancellor’s regulations to show him. I have an appointment this afternoon with the dean of safety in the school, including the teacher and the guidance counsellor. Apparently, they were at a post-mortem conference yesterday and unreachable for much of the day, but he called me back very late in the afternoon. I told him some of the stuff and he was appalled, said it disturbed him on many levels and that they would bring together this team to make my daughter safe and achieve the outcome we found acceptable. He didn’t tell me exactly what that would be (I don’t know what we want), but he did say that they would move heaven and earth to make this right. He’s going to speak with the assistant principal at the middle school because they know each other and see what was done there, if anything, about the boy. He did, however, say that it might be necessary to involve the police and take legal action because there’s only so much the school system can do in a truly dangerous situation. I sat my daughter down last night and told her that we were going to make this right for her but that I wish she had come to us earlier because if she had it would have been behind her already. I told her straight out that if I had to I would kill the boy with my bare hands to protect her and she knew I meant it, and told her that we’re a team who can take care of just about anything. Oh, and the dean also told me that they expect to remove this boy from his sports team and all extra-curricular activities, as well, and tell his parents that if he remains in the school this will have to be part of the package presented by the GC to all colleges. Thank you all so very, very much. Oh and one more thing: to the person who pointed out that his outburst in class broke boundaries, thank you for spelling that out. I couldn’t articulate what so completely freaked me out about that and you gave me the words to use.</p>