<p>From what I’ve seen on the College Life board here, a lot of introverts seem to feel the need to drink in college to fit in. They think that partying is an essential part of the college experience, but they feel awkward partying, so they drink to try to feel comfortable.</p>
<p>I worry about my introvert daughter attending an over-crowded school. Will she contact a professor if the class is full and she needs to take it? Will she ask for help when needed? If she doesn’t get along with roommates or gets stuck in a triple, will she make an effort to change rooms? Can an introvert learn to adapt?</p>
<p>I don’t know if I agree with that BCMan. I would say that introverts that want to try a new personality might blossom in college or introverts that like academia in general might blossom. I can’t agree that extroverts generally “flame out” in college that seems abit of a stretch. True extroverts tend to stay extoverts no matter where they land and don’t “flame out.” Now, perhaps you are confusing kids who have a very tight group of High School friends who are suddenly adrift without their props…that is very different from the extrovert who is social no matter where they are or who is around them.</p>
<p>Introvert isn’t shy, though. An introvert could very well contact a professor, make an effort to change rooms and can easily be adaptable. Introvert just refers to where they gather their strength and recharge – by themselves, or with others.</p>
<p>As a classic introvert (who is not shy), I absolutely have to have alone time every day or I go stir-crazy. I also have never felt lonely exploring a new area, part of town, etc. on my own.</p>
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<p>And not call extroverts “gasbags”? </p>
<p>I’ve found that in a non-profit setting where groups establish their own “covenants” of behavior that there is ALWAYS someone who is eager to insist that the extroverts should be quiet, but very, very rarely does anyone suggest that the introverts should speak up. In my view <em>everyone</em>–including the introverts–has an equal responsibility to contribute to the discussion.</p>
<p>There is this pervasive myth that if only the extroverts would be quiet, the introverts would magically start talking. It isn’t true. If the extroverts sit in silence, the introverts will continue to be silent unless there is a skilled facilitator who calls on them.</p>
<p>I’m an introvert, H is an extrovert. Our kids are a mix. Our oldest two are in college. S takes after Mom–not involved on campus, just a few friends–we’re always trying to encourage him to socialize more, join groups, participate in activities. D takes after Dad–too much socializing, too many fun activities. We’re encouraging her to “say no” to some of those fun/social things and spend more time studying. This pretty much mirrors our college experiences (and we didn’t change–mom didn’t go out more, meet more people, join clubs, and dad didn’t stop doing those things and study more. . .)</p>
<p>Everyone likes extroverts because they’re more fun. I get more frustrated with my introverted S–probably because he’s too much like me.</p>
<p>My oldest D and my H are both introverts. Neither one is shy or retiring. Both of them tend not to jump into conversations right away; because of this habit, people assume they have nothing to say. Once they are involved, both can hold their own in any conversation. My youngest D is an extrovert. She has an amazing ability to talk to anyone and manages to charm everyone. When she went to Russia, a friend (who is from Moscow) was worried when I told her she had to travel 3 miles between her dorm and her school program. That friend told me to tell D2 not to take gypsy cabs by herself. My H replied–D2 is never alone. He was right. She thrives on being around people all the time–that would make me nuts.</p>
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<p>I forgot who said this, but I just laughed when I read it…a “I” poster married to an E or an I working for an E perhaps? Some extroverts may be “gasbags” but not all. Some introverts might be painfully shy, but not all. But your comment about the group dynamics is very true. It takes a skilled teacher, manager, facilitator to manage the dynamics of a group with all personality types. And atomom, I decided that it isn’t that extroverts are more fun, it’s that they are easier to be “fun” with because they are outgoing and for the most part do try to “draw” people out. They may give up if someone is conversing isn’t conversant, but they do at least try. I watch my E husband at my office gathering recently with people he doesn’t know at all and he literally talked or tried to talk to everyone and by the end of the evening he was in the thick of things and my husband is about as far from a “gasbag” as you can get…man of few words, but very much an E socially.</p>
<p>The introvert/extrovert continuum is fascinating. It would have saved me and my son a lot of grief if I had known the differences and needs when he was young. It is hard for the extrovert mother to wait for the introverted child to decompress after school and then maybe tell about his day. His first grade teacher noted that it took awhile for him to formulate his responses in group reading, but that they were worth waiting for. H is also introverted- not a wild and crazy household. I also notice which in my inlaws families are more introverted- very easy to distinguish.</p>
<p>Our district’s GT program had a series of conferences and one topic covered was the introvert/extrovert personalities. One fact- around 75% of the general population is extroverted whereas around 75% of the highly(?) gifted population is introverted. Both my son and I fall into the gifted range. One of my lifelong frustrations, only discovered in recent years, as been being that extroverted minority among my smart friends- no wonder we did their activities… Another problem gifted students can run into is that, like the majority of the population, most teachers will be on the extroverted side of the spectrum and have trouble relating to the introverted style. The teacher giving the E/I talk was introverted btw, she spent her between class time decompressing instead of socializing with other teachers.</p>
<p>As far as which I like better- of course I prefer those who behave the way I do. I can talk while thinking and get impatient waiting for a response. I am open, etc. But to be with my most intellectual friends I have to be the odd man out. Both styles benefit our society. It would benefit me if my H and S would read the literature I have and try to do their part in understanding a different modus operandi, sigh. Why do I/E opposites marry?- it’s the person with the best fit, the 9 out of 10 match… just like college choices.</p>
<p>Agree w/consolation re post 45.</p>
<p>A really helpful management training I took in a former life had all mgrs across the organization take the Myers-Briggs and then divide into Is and Es. Each group came up with a list of “inner” thoughts about the other group – nothing personal, of course, but things you might think of while dealing with someone of the other persuasion. The introverts came up with stuff like “Will he ever shut up?” and “Does she process at all before she opens her mouth?” The extroverts thought things like “Helllooooo? Anybody in there?” and “I wonder whether she’s not getting it? Say something.”</p>
<p>It really taught me how to change my usual bubbly, mile-a-minute demeanor in a conversation with an introvert, who just doesn’t operate at the same speed as me and no doubt finds me exhausting. One way isn’t better or worse – just different.</p>
<p>Post #50 last sentence-“… just different”. Excellent words.</p>
<p>I think it’s not just the I/E but all the other dimensions of Myers-Briggs that make it so fascinating. The empathy quotient is found in the T/F dimension - not that T’s can’t be empathetic or nice people, but it’s not necessarily the first place we go.</p>
<p>I was reminded of this when our dog had a recent crisis necessitating hospitalization and I was posting updates about it on FB. Mine were very factual, how-did-it-impact-me (“I’m sitting here with the dog in the emergency room, looks like he has X, I’d better learn about it, anyone else have a dog with this condition” type of posts. My son, who is all F, posted on his FB: “Please pray for my dog XXX. He’s sick and he’s scared and needs our support.” It’s the immediacy of the heart reaction. It’s really sweet. We don’t know where it comes from, because the rest of us are all T’s!</p>
<p>One other introvert/extrovert thing that sometimes gets me: people who assume that because extroverts are willing to put themselves out there they are less sensitive than introverts. </p>
<p>Make no mistake about it: the extrovert who chooses to be outgoing is risking themselves, and will very likely be hurt by a negative reaction. It is also perfectly possible that the introvert is not hiding his feelings because he is so very delicate and empathetic: he may just not give a you-know-what about what anyone else does or says! <g></g></p>
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<p>That’s pretty much how I’ve always felt. I’ve become less shy over the years, and much better able to handle myself in social situations that are difficult for me (although I’d still rather have a tooth drilled without anesthesia than go to a party where I don’t know anyone!). But I absolutely, 100% have to have time alone to recharge my batteries. You’d think that 30 years as a litigation attorney would have “converted” me into more of an extrovert, but that hasn’t been the case. I’m really not bad at doing things like arguing in court, but I still feel somewhat sick to my stomach before I have to do it, even after all these years!</p>
<p>Although my son is more sociable than I was at his age, he also very much needs time alone. Which is the main reason he was so happy to get a single room his freshman year. Without that, no matter who his roommate was, I strongly believe that last year would have been exponentially more difficult for him.</p>
<p>I wonder, no matter how extroverted a particular person may be, doesn’t everyone need a certain amount of time alone to reflect or recharge?</p>
<p>As an introvert, I have often had the experience when in a group of chatty ppl of just shutting down. My mind gets overloaded and thoughts just won’t come all the way up to my mouth. I can almost feel the thinking stop part way through the thinking process. So sometimes I"ll have to take the floor - grab the metaphorical talking stick - and establish a quiet moment by sort of saying something that is along the line of my thinking, but not a coherent thought. I often find that I have to rephrase what I’ve started to say. This approach gains me some time and mental space to sort of drive the situation by carving out a split second or so of silence so I can clarify what it is I want to say. </p>
<p>In the Introvert Advantage (book) this is presented as the introvert sometimes starting to speak their thought in the middle of the thought so it seems to others to come out garbled. It is presented as the introvert being so in their thoughts that they almost assume others to be right there in the logic with them. This resonates for me. I often have to go back in writing and fill in the beginning, for example. In speaking I just sort of start over after the initial try.</p>
<p>In group conversations I sometimes feel like there is just too much <em>thinking</em> in the room - like I can almost hear it - like all that body language is just screaming - it’s a noisy silence with too many voices. If it’s a group where many ppl want to get in their ideas, well, usually I’ll just sit back an let’em speak. I know my Introvert son suffered in a couple h.s. classes where participation was key - he has lots to say, but if the E’s need to sparkle, it’s shut down time. He would come home, take a nap, and then talk for half an hour about what he was learning. But he never said a word in class. Hard to start your thought in the middle in a muddle then clarify in that context! </p>
<p>But we I’s learn, over time, how to manage things … how to set aside the natural, first impulse response and speak/write/participate in social and work group situations. It does take conscious effort though. And it is a relief to get some quiet space - even if just a moment or two - for reflection. And god bless the people who will let us rephrase instead of cutting us off if the first sentence is awkward!</p>
<p>My H. is an introvert and his big quarrel with group social situations is that he’s just getting into a topic when it shifts to the next thing. So frustrating when martini chat wanders all over in a sort of frenetic way. That’s his point of shut down - he’s still mulling over the topic from 10 minutes ago, and if someone asks him about the current one, he’ll look up and say, 'huh?". Or just stare. LOL. Those who know him well or who have been out to dinner maybe just the four of us understand. Others, not so much =).</p>
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<p>In my job, I have a lot of time where I sit by myself and think / work on stuff (ahhhh, heaven) and other times when I lead workshops / seminars of between 10 - 50 people and have to be very much “on.” I enjoy those times, too, but they are very draining. My (also introvert, also not shy) business partner and I will often lead a workshop, get in the car to drive back to our hotel, and just not say a word to one another at all. We’re just drained. Yet people who see us would say that we are exceedingly high energy in our style and presentation. Luckily we have been friends for 20 years so neither of us takes offense if we just sit there quietly, even sit at dinner and not talk much. The worst is if a client asks us out for dinner. We have to say yes, and it’s just agonizing when we each just need to retreat into our own heads for awhile.</p>
<p>Even when I lead workshops, there are times when I’ll step out of the room for an ostensible bathroom break just because I need to be by myself and recharge even if it’s just for 3 minutes.</p>
<p>When I’m in a group of chatterers, I’m amazed that people make the the effort to speak about absolutely nothing. If I find the conversation interesting, I have no problem joining in. It’s just silly “all about me” small talk that I struggle with. I think “why do I have to make an effort to find something to add to this inanity?” I find that it’s usually not worth the bother and most people don’t notice who is talking and who is quiet because they are too busy chattering about nothing.</p>
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<p>I agree. I see this with the D of a friend of mine, who is very extroverted – and wears her heart on her sleeve. She is so extroverted that she interprets someone not being as enthused as she is, or not wanting to do X with her, as rejection, when it really isn’t. It breaks my heart when she’s upset. My more introverted nature would be “eh, I’m just as good doing that alone anyway” and wouldn’t take it as rejection.</p>
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<p>I lead a staff meeting every Monday morning and I have to remind myself that I need to start it with “how was everyone’s weekend, blah blah blah” and feign interest in it – it doesn’t come naturally to me. I want to get right down to business so we can all spend some time thinking about what’s on everyone’s plates. And honestly I don’t expect them to care about my weekends all that much.</p>