<p>I have a friend who had her S & his buddy moved in by buddy’s parents. She & her H went up during parents weekend instead & were parents for both their S & the buddy. It worked well for them. The kids went to school at UPenn; both sets of parents lived in HI, so it was a considerable distance & expense getting there, as well as a lot of travel time.</p>
<p>It’s entirely possible that boys may feel differently about the topic than girls. </p>
<p>I also agree with the poster who said that it isn’t all about the student. I wanted to see with my own eyes the dorm and the campus where my kid would be spending the next 4 years. I do think that it is important not to linger too long, though.</p>
<p>Er, where in California?</p>
<p>I agree with the others about the waiting until July to discuss it again part, but I do have a slightly different perspective.</p>
<p>I did accompany my older kid to his college campus, but my d. insisted on doing the move herself – we’re on the west coast and she was attending college in NYC. It was pretty easy for her to convince her that my coming would be more of a hindrance than a help. </p>
<p>But:
- It was NYC. No chance of my renting a car – so I would be an extra body & extra luggage in a cab. Plus we would have incurred at least 1 and probably 2 nights of prohibitively high hotel rates.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>She had adult friends in NYC she could stay with, so she could ship extra stuff out in advance and also had a place to stay. It’s easy for an 18 year old to ask a family to put her up for a couple of nights – but quite an imposition if her mom was coming along.</p></li>
<li><p>My d. had previously traveled on her own, at age 16, to live overseas as a foreign exchange student, as well as traveling on her own for college visits. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>The whole airport to campus thing may be a lot harder to handle with a suburban campus. So I think what you really need to be doing between now and August is focusing on logistics: what time would the plane arrive? When is the earliest time that he could have access to a dorm on campus? What time is he expected to arrive on campus for whatever orientation they have planned for freshman? How does he get from airport to campus? </p>
<p>A decade ago when my son started college in a suburban location, the whole orientation thing started at 9:00 am. The campus did not allow him to ship things ahead – no mail or package service before school started – nor would he have access to the dorm ahead of time. So a parent capable of renting a hotel room & a car was extremely convenient.</p>
<p>^ she’s applied to 2 colleges in CA and either one would be a logistical challenge alone. I’m feeling now like its a combination of wanting to assert independence (good), having no clue what is common (to be expected), and garden-variety teenage bravado.</p>
<p>actually 3 applications…I forgot the super reach lol</p>
<p>^^All of the above in post 44. Out kids went far away. Fortunately they went where we wanted to poke around and explore the countryside. They also had the bravado etc. etc., but we just told them we planned to drop them, go exploring, come back, take them to dinner and then head out and we had zero plans to ship bikes, skis, tents and all the “gear” that some boys haul off to college. We drove. We never went to any of the parent stuff and enjoyed our “mini vacation” and the kids were fine. I tried, oh I tried to help both of them unpack but got extreme resistance. I argued briefly with number one and just scooted out of the dorm room after a quick hand shake with the RA with number 2. Both did require a few items at the local retail store and a quick stop back at the dorm when picking them up for dinner. I wistfully heard stories from my girlfriends of helping their daughters move in, decorating the room, “hanging out”…not to be for me and the boys.</p>
<p>We moved D out 2 1/2 years ago (24 hours driving time). S (hs 2012) has been accepted ED, and he’s even farther away. We were discussing move-in dates this winter break, and D thought we shouldn’t drive him out - said it would “toughen him up.” Also, she blamed the fact that we drove as why she took way too much stuff!</p>
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</p>
<p>One of my kids went to the same college as Oldfort’s kid. I skipped the convocation; it was too early in the morning. My kid went to it and thought it was boring. </p>
<p>When they handed out sentimentality, our family was standing in another line.</p>
<p>My kids never particularly noticed whose parents accompanied them to move-in and whose parents didn’t. They were caught up in their own logistics, and they had little interest in anyone else’s. Parents disappear quickly in any event – either because they’re savvy enough to realize that this is what they should do or because they want to go find someplace that’s air conditioned (move-ins and move-outs always happen on 90+ degree days – I believe this is required by law).</p>
<p>We had to go on move in day for both S’s to help carry stuff in DH’s truck. Futon anyone?
In both cases we got them moved in as quickly as possible. After S1’s move in, we went out to eat w/S1, his roommate (S1’s best friend fr. h.s.) and roommate’s parents.</p>
<p>As we drove back up to the dorm, S1’s ph. rang and after some covert conversation with another friend fr. h.s. who had just moved in, S1 said “you can just pull over and drop me here” which was the sidewalk leading to his dorm. So we got pulled over, gave him a hug and headed home while he ran off to find his friends w/ cell ph. glued to his ear. all was well.</p>
<p>S2’s move-in pretty much followed the same pattern. We moved him in. Made a trip to Lowes to get a cable for the tv. Dropped it off at the dorm, then DH and I headed off for a week at the beach.</p>
<p>My youngest young man is a junior in college and he STILL likes me to move him in. I think that high school students think that having parents around on move in will make them look uncool because they are still their high school selves…their brains have not yet developed to the point that they can appreciate that this is also a big day for their parents.</p>
<p>Through experience, we learned to ask our student, in advance, what he wanted us to do for him once we got to his room. And then we were ready for him to change his mind once we got there.</p>
<p>My boys definitely did not want their parents anywhere in sight when they registered at the dorm/got their room keys…so we just stayed with the big pile on the curb til he came with the move in helpers.</p>
<p>Odds are that your child is not going to want to concentrate on moving in and settling in, but rather be running up and down the halls to meet new friends. And that’s ok. My son did not want me talking a lot to all the other kids…especially about him. Same with talking too much to the other parents…especially about him. And that’s ok…because odds are you will never see all those people again.</p>
<p>It ended up that my job was to make the bed (all my boys say I make the comfiest beds) and to put away his clothes just like at home…dad’s job was to stock the minifridge…and the boy morphed in to a social butterfly, helping everyone else with their move in…in other words, making new friends. </p>
<p>We then left him to his own devices, other than having established a Target run and a grocery run around his schedule …and a goodbye breakfast, early while everyone else was sleeping. We had told him he could call us for dinner the night before and we would be ready to get him at any moment’s notice, if he felt awkward or didn’t have plans, but he had wanted the option to go with the flow if his new floormates did anything…he didn’t want to risk missing anything.</p>
<p>It really helped us to look at things through his eyes…no matter how they try to cover it up, the kids are really just a huge pool of anxiety, they worry so much about how everyone else is going to see them…it doesn’t even begin to occur to them that all the other kids also have parents and have never been away to college either, and aren’t any more cool or experienced than they are.</p>
<p>But don’t worry…they won’t be too cool to turn down a few extra $20 bills should they be offered.</p>
<p>Frankly, my D. would be at loss if we left her alone on move in. Not only in UG. We have helped her moving in when she started her Grad. School although we had to hire company to move her furniture (and paid $500). We were very busy and it took at least couple trips. D’s UG and her Med. School both in our state, 3.5hrs and 2hrs away from our house.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if kid does not want parent’s help, I would be fine with that also. I do not see any major problem here.</p>
<p>great post #39, Consolation.</p>
<p>Some of my fondest memories as a parent are of college move-in days. None of my kids didn’t want us there - they plainly expected at least one parent to help - and we truly enjoyed helping. I’d expect the OP’s d to change her mind as the actual date approaches, but if she doesn’t, I’d (reluctantly) give her full charge of the whole thing. She’ll certainly learn a lot about logistics if she has to do it herself. It’s easier with a pair of helping hands, and it’s darned nice to have someone else do the Target run and put it on the parental credit card.</p>
<p>Because I couldn’t take the time off to go along, two of our kids had to move themselves in as upperclassmen. Each told us how much they preferred having one of us along. And the middle one planned her law school move-in for when I could take time off. I hope your d changes her mind, Snowdog - move-ins are nice memories.</p>
<p>There have always been kids who moved themselves in, especially if they had to fly. But in my experience, the reason was usually finances, or maybe logistics, and the vast majority of kids had parents helping them with their stuff.</p>
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</p>
<p>There’s also some who come from families who expect 17+ year olds to be able to manage the move-in themselves as a manifestation of “maturity”. This was especially common among immigrant families who came from countries where 17-18+ year old have the same presumed expectations to behave and be accorded respect as adults…not adolescents/little kids or where there was universal compulsory military service. </p>
<p>Also, universities/colleges having orientation activities for parents is a fairly recent phenomenon(within the last 10+ years). It just wasn’t done from what I and my HS friends/friends/acquaintances who attended college in the '90s remembered. In fact, there were some friends whose colleges specifically said no parents were allowed to stay for orientation as it was “students only”. </p>
<p>Most parents who helped with move-ins back then would drive up, move all items into the room, say their goodbyes/have a last meal together, and leave on the same day.</p>
<p>My father didn´t come on my move in day. When he saw how much we did for D1 in getting her dorm ready and moving her in, he said he wished had done the same for me, but unfortunately it wasn´t something he could do over.</p>
<p>Don’t spend too much time upset about this because as move in day approaches your daughter will want the help. We moved all four kids in their first year of college and moved them out at the end of the year as well. </p>
<p>I agree with Oldfort that some schools hold wonderful convocations that parents and students attend together. I never saw a student without a parent at any of my kids convocations.</p>
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</p>
<p>Your father and my mother share the same feeling of regret at not being able to make it to move-in day. I attempted to make up for it by giving her a leisurely tour of the campus on a parent weekend and around graduation. </p>
<p>However, my father’s not the sentimental type and would probably have annoyed everyone in earshot at how my LAC’s dorms were far more luxurious and cushy than the barebones dormroom he shared with 6-8 other students* at his university in Taiwan in the 1950’s. </p>
<ul>
<li>This has been commonplace in Chinese/Taiwan Universities well into the late 1990’s.</li>
</ul>
<p>I would like to give another perspective. I don’t know if I am at all on the right track, but is it at all possible that your daughter feels like you are not giving her any space? Many people would have also said when I was back in college that I was ‘close’ with my parents. In reality, a lot of it had to do with their expectations for that closeness. I had to do a lot to separate from them before I felt comfortable getting close to my mom, not because I had to but because I wanted to this time (and I still like to keep my distance when it comes to my decisions).</p>
<p>I also told them out of the blue that I wanted to move in on my own (not freshman year - I don’t even think I would have had the courage to do that then, as to not offend them) junior year. They were also stunned (and maybe hurt), but I really felt that they were too involved in my life. Even now, several years after college and living on my own, I am instinctively protective of them getting too involved in my life. Again, maybe that’s not your situation, but some things just sounded familiar.</p>
<p>Another college student’s perspective: I think you may be overanalyzing this.</p>
<p>My college is across the country and I moved in by myself. The extra help from having my mom there to help me set stuff up would not have justified the cost of the round-trip plane ticket, not to mention her valuable time.</p>
<p>I am very close with my mom. This had nothing to do with issues of space or asserting independence. It was just practicality. Packing and unpacking, going shopping for necessities, working out appliances and furniture with roommates can all be handled by a reasonably prepared 17/18 year old, usually. I think your daughter will be just fine.</p>
<p>My only suggestion is to start hoarding bed Beth beyond coupons NOW. Assuming that there is one nearby your student’s CA college (in my part of Ca they are everywhere) it is by far the cheapest and easiest way to do a cross country movein. basically, you go to your local BBB, order everything you think you will need, and they immediately pack it up and put it in a storage shed. when your student arrives in their new town, BBB pulls out the boxes and your student buys what they want and leaves the rest for reshelving. they take as many 20 percent off coupons as you have gathered, even if they are expired. I did fly out to Boston for movein, but since we had done this in CA it was a total piece of cake.</p>