Could you point out that several flights to visit BF will cost less than the east coast school and offer to pay for that? If the relationship continues to go hot and heavy, maybe you could all talk about transfers. But the likelihood that she follows him and ends up single at a less good school seems high. Better to work at a long-distance relationship from the better academic fit and close the distance later if it turns out that the relationship is indeed the most important thing to both of them in a few years. My instinct says it won’t be.
It appears @Chocoholic1 has left the building !!
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Reddit can be wise.
To these points I would try to add a discussion about how much people change between 17 and 22, and how important it is that they do. Anyone that doesn’t evolve after high school sort of stands out, and it’s not at all certain that a new, young relationship is going to survive the changes. In fact, it’s not clear that you want the weight of that relationship hanging on those tender branches as they seek the light. There will be enough choices to make (eg are you staying with that major? is this school worth that extra money? did that guy really slide me his number in front of everyone?) that having to coordinate them with someone with different resources and priorities will eventually force some even harder choices.
Tell her to do the right thing for herself now, trust in social media and the airlines to serve the relationship, and then point to the budget talks you already had. You can’t pay the extra $25k. It’ll leave her the options of lottery tickets or getting his family to come up with the cash, and eventually it’ll be the right thing because they either broke up (and you were right) or they made it (and she was right.)
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Not advice per se but I will share what we did in a very similar situation.
Our younger daughter and her boyfriend had been dating since junior year of high school. They didn’t specifically set out to apply to the same colleges but there were several overlaps (they were both interested in the same major). Neither of them got into their #1 choice. D got into her #2, BF had to go further down his list but landed in a great place, which he was very happy with. D also got into that same college but it was quite a bit further down her ranking list (of places she wanted to attend).
Since she got into her #2 choice and was very happy about it, her father and I made it clear that we would not be happy with her pivoting to go to BF’s college with him (and to her credit, she did not ask to do that). We were concerned about what would happen if there were a breakup. They would be in the same major and likely all the same classes. Moreover, we wanted each of them to have separate college experiences and have to opportunity to make new friends.
There was one time during her freshman year, when she was struggling with a bit of homesickness, that she called and tearfully asked if she could transfer to his college. We again said no (unless she wanted to figure out how to pay for it herself) and we talked her through the homesickness. She never mentioned it again.
They stayed at their respective colleges and visited each other monthly (colleges are about 3.5 hours apart by car). They did semester study abroad to the same city (although different programs). Both graduated in the 4-year time frame and were recruited by the same company (they work in different departments and in different buildings). They now share an apartment. I do anticipate an eventual marriage although I don’t think it will be any time soon (BF has student loans to pay).
Cliche as it is, with their case being an example, I DO think that if it’s meant to be they will find a way to make it work - even at a distance. I would not entertain your daughter’s hopes of following him to college.
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Suggest to her that she go to school in CA at least initially and then plan on transferring closer to him if their relationship passes the long distance test.
Ultimately she is going to make her own choice in the matter, all you can do is try to offer advice while supporting her at the same time.