<p>I also think that if the parents pull the plug in supporting their daughter’s schooling, it comes across as punitive in this case. They doh’t approve of her getting married and so are giving a consequence when they had planned to pay for her schooling originally. It is like they are sabotaging her education that they wanted her to have because she is not following what they wish in terms of her marital status. I can see their disappointment but not how they are reacting to their daughter. They could voice their concerns and advise her but they are practically manipulating her to do what they want by pulling the plug on her education. She is gonna get married anyway. Why would they not want to see her educated or why would they want to see her struggle to finance her own education…so they can say “told ya so?” She doesn’t do what they want and so their support had strings attached. They don’t need to support the husband. They can do whatever they planned to do for D in college the next two years which is not enough for HIM but just for her share since she is a student which they want her to be, after all.</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with Soozievt. That is the minimum I would do for my child in college. Now, there are other parts of this situation that really are separate issues. The parents don’t want the D marrying, don’t like the prospective husband, family, don’t want to support the marriage, the religion is a problem, the wedding is an issue. But those things can be discussed individually. The situation at hand is that the spring term is paid. It isn’t going to cost a penny more for the parents to procede as if none of this is happening. If the D performs satisfactorily in school, further tuition payment to the college can continue. As for supporting the young man, that is another story. </p>
<p>Whether the marriage works or not, a lot of family friction, resentment and hate can result from poor handling of this.</p>
<p>I’m waiting to hear that the girl is upset and surprised that her parents don’t want to pay for a big wedding…to which they aren’t invited. (And I’m sort of fantasizing about the bride’s parents paying for a reception for THEIR friends and family and informing the Mormons that they aren’t allowed to attend… 
…yeah, right.) I am astounded that someone would actually ask girls to be bridesmaids, and then leave them standing on the steps of the church! </p>
<p>I really wonder whether the father doesn’t have more than one wife, if they live in separate houses. Jon Krakauer’s book Under the Banner of Heaven is an excellent insight into that whole very strange and disturbing scene.</p>
<p>This problem isn’t really all that hard to solve. Sad, but not hard.</p>
<p>When you get married, you are declaring that you and your spouse-to-be are an independent financial unit. Period. All financial support should cease. Parents can continue to give gifts, etc., but should not subsidize fixed expenses (health care, rent, contact lenses, cell phones). Money that would have been spent on tuition or other financial assistance should simply be banked until it is needed for something else (e.g. hiring a divorce lawyer, a return to college at some point in the future).</p>
<p>That’s it. </p>
<p>Beyond that, you hope and pray that the marriage will be successful, the grandchildren will be healthy, the in-laws will be sane.</p>
<p>Sometimes a bit of financial cold water is just the bracing wake-up call that a young person needs.</p>
<p>Me, I’m not Mormon, but I feel no need to bash Mormons to sort out this situation.</p>
<p>Oh, and my own mom was not at all pleased about my brother’s marriage at a young age. She was critical, gave gifts with strings, looked down on the bride and her family. Said many things she shouldn’t have said.</p>
<p>Fast forward. My brother has been married abut 25 years and now that he and his family are financially settled, they aren’t very warm and fuzzy with my mom. She doesn’t understand why they treat her this way and why invitations to come to dinner are not forthcoming.</p>
<p>My point? Proceed with caution. It is easy to poison relationships but very difficult to un-poison them. Bend over backward to be nice. You will not regret it.</p>
<p>im wondering if we are more prone to empathize with the path that our own parents took with ourselves.</p>
<p>When I was 17, I left home- if I had graduated high school, I would have been graduated- ( but I didn’t), my father died on the same weekend as high school graduation ( as far as I know, no connection), no love lost between my mother and myself- from the time that I had been 2 & 1/2, my younger brother had been the " boy", in the family and all interest was toward my sister and him.</p>
<p>When I married ( in our early 20’s), we paid for everything ourselves, and since I had been on my own for almost 5 years, I didn’t expect anything different.</p>
<p>ONce I stepped out that door, even though I was 17, I was an adult and in charge of my own life, for good or ill.
I don’t think my surviving parent had a parenting philosophy that included “stand on your own two feet”, but I don’t think I would have felt good about her insisting to pay for my expenses, when I was no longer living there.</p>
<p>There certainly are adults who are comfortable with others subsidizing their living standards and unfortunately some of them are in charge of big businesses, but it is not a value I wish to pass on to my children.</p>
<p>I guess I am of the school that if my Adult child wants to get married, and I don’t like her choses, I don’t have to support her. Are we expected to support our adult children no matter what stupid things they want to do. </p>
<p>Souviet, you and your partner where in school., doing SOMETHING, seems this fiance is doing pretty much nada and doesn’t seem to want to do more. So, by default, this girls family, will be supporting him. He really not in school, he’s not working, he, according to the OP, has little ambition or drive and little future. So is it smart to go, sure darling, lets keep paying for you while you are married because this is such a smart decision you are making.</p>
<p>At some point, parents have the right, or obligation to let their child deal with the life decisions they are making.</p>
<p>If this was a responisble young man, who was working, trying hard, going to school, etc., then it would be a different story. But that is not the case her, according to the OP. </p>
<p>I am not saying cut her off, but there is no reason to go woohoo!!</p>
<p>If I were the parent, I would contact the Academic Dean of the college and/or a teacher that girl admires to talk to her about her choice. If the parents’ opinion is an anathema to her, as is normal in a case like this, perhaps an adult who is a trusted authority figure can get through</p>
<p>I find it weird that the parents won’t continue to pay for college. They want their daughter to get a degree and were paying for college up until this point. I don’t see why marriage should affect the educational plan already in place. If they stop paying for college they will prevent the daughter from finishing the degree they supposedly want her to have.</p>
<p>This must be cultural – I’m surprised so many posters think marriage means a sudden cut-off of funds, including college. Paying for college does not indicate that they approve of the marriage, it’s just what parents provide for their kids if they possibly can. I don’t see what getting married has to do with it. Even though she will be married, she is still their child. </p>
<p>I do think they have a duty to express their disapproval of marriage before finishing school, and it sounds like they’ve made their opinion clear. Forcing the daughter to choose between marriage and education is counterproductive.</p>
<p>I find it weird that the parents won’t continue to pay for college. They want their daughter to get a degree and were paying for college up until this point.</p>
<p>I dont see it quite the same way.
When you are the parent of a young adult and are also their guardian as far as they can’t be judged independent for FAFSA, until 24 years, part of what you may feel is your parental responsibility would include “assisting” them to continue their education, which includes having them retain your home address as * their* home address, until which point they finish school and move out.</p>
<p>However- when they take the step to do, what is necessary for FAFSA to declare them independent & when they are no longer living under your roof, that is much larger than simply living away at college.</p>
<p>Not saying by any means I would " wash my hands of them", but I feel that independence should be honored, otherwise it is like saying “well, go ahead and play house, but I want you to do X- so I am going to pay for it, so that you will do it- because I don’t think you will do it otherwise.”</p>
<p>I also would never pay for all of a childs college expenses- regardless- the least I would expect them to cover themselves, would be a third.( after need based aid) Whether that be through merit aid, loans or work, is up to them.</p>
<p>I didn’t say the parents should go “woohoo”…I certainly would not. It wouldn’t be what I had preferred for my daughter but I could not stop her from getting married. As a student I would support her education and related expenses as I had planned on doing until she graduated and then she’d be on her own. I don’t see this as supporting the husband. I’d just pay what I would have paid for my daughter as a single person (which is half the rent, just her food, half the utilities) like I do for my girls who happen to be single and in school. That would not support another person. If the husband were working, I’d consider not paying anything to my daughter’s living expenses and only paying tuition. If he were a student, I’d pay my daughter’s half of the living expenses. But the main thing here is the tuition which the parents had intended to pay and I don’t see why that would change just because the daughter got married. After all, the parents involve din this situation really wanted their D to finish college and it would seem that they would be sabotaging that plan ironically, because the D didn’t do as they preferred (stayed single until graduation). Now, if D dropped out of school, I would not support her living expenses because she could work. If you want your kid to get an education, I don’t see why the fact that she got married would change that goal and intention for educational support. </p>
<p>In my cultural background, providing an education for the kids is highly valued. The value on it would not change due to marital status. I mean, this parent was gonna pay for the D to go to college even if she lived with her boyfriend. But becasue she is going to be legally married to him, the parents will back out of supporting her through to graduation. I do not agree with that and see it as giving a negative consequence for the D marrying younger than the parents preferred and it is ironic that they would pull the plug on the education that they wanted her to have. </p>
<p>I understand we all see these situations differently and have different value systems. I think a lot of it is based on our own backgrounds and culture. In mine, giving an education to the kids is a big priority. Same with helping grandkids. That was done for me (my husband as well) and for our kids and I hope that keeps getting passed on. Nobody attached strings to that in terms of whether one married who they should or when they should. I’m glad my two daughters are not marrying young but even so, our goal to see them through their schooling would not change. They will be responsible for supporting themselves the day they graduate. It is not based on age. It is not based on marital status. In fact, my younger child will graduate this May at just age 20 and will be responsible for all of her expenses. My older child will not finish her graduate school until age 25 and so will be supported during the school year until that time. Each child was given equal opportunity. Had they married, it would not have changed the support of them through to the end of their education. And while I am married and self supporting, even my own parents and my in-laws still do things for us and the grandkids. It is a value system. </p>
<p>I fear that there will be a big riff in the family wiht the OP’s friend and that there is manipulation that if you don’t do as we like, we pull support of you. </p>
<p>While I understand the parents’ concern and disappointment, I think they could advise their daughter and raise legitimate concerns for her to consider but always be her support system and not threaten her with this or that if she makes decisions they don’t like.</p>
<p>The parents aren’t cutting her off, she is making that choice herself. She is still not their child, she will be a married woman who is making this decision without any regard to her parents. What has this girl done with her parents in mind? Nothing, its all about her, her wedding, her wants, her religion. </p>
<p>How long do parents have to do whatever their offspring want them to do…</p>
<p>The parents were very clear and the daughter does what she wants. Are the parent’s to be held hostage by a married woman?</p>
<p>I can already promise you there will be a big rift in the relationship. The daughter changed her religion, is marrying into a disfunctional family, to a man who doesn’t do much of anything, and inlaws that are pleased as punch, a bride who sounds immature, who is already blaming her parents for this and that, and that’s just for starters.</p>
<p>And where is it written that parents have to continue supporting their adult children no matter what those kids do? Seems the mom was very clear about what she expected and the daughter snubbed her nose.</p>
<p>I do not think parents should insist that their children do everyhing they say and want, however, if the offspring is expecting a financial commitment, there should be some compromise from the beneficiries of the gift of money.</p>
<p>If I was helping my D pay rent, then I wouldn’t expect her to go on expensive vacations. If she did, I think i would have the right to go, sorry honey, no rent.</p>
<p>And if this girl is having a big old wedding, shouldn’t that money go instead to her tuition and then have a small wedding" Seems that would be the responsible thing to do.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Exactly! I find it quite ironic that they are upset with the education piece. They wanted her to finish college and not get married. But if she gets married, they are making it so it would be hard for her to finish college without funding. It should not be a choice between getting married or going to college. One can do both! I did! I went to college and grad school while married.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No, they will not. They are withdrawing their funding, not locking her in a basement.</p>
<p>
I feel that you can still honor a married child’s independence while continuing to pay for college. My thought would be that I’m still going to pay for it – not because I think they won’t do it otherwise – but because this is something I want to give my children. I don’t do this because it is a parental responsibility only when they live with me as a dependent – it is something I wish to provide my children if at all possible.</p>
<p>One of the important lessons here is that we (parents and future parents) need to communicate to our children what we expect.
I know that our D and S have been told that we will pay for undergrad ed as long as they are single. If they choose to marry then they are choosing a complete adult lifestyle and they are on their own. We would not pay tuition. We would be generous with gifts of groceries/clothes just because we love them.</p>
<p>I really think the posters on this board have put more thought and planning into this than the parents themselves. They haven’t had a chance. They were blindsided by this all and just reacted. They are both under and incredible amount of stress themselves right now caring for their own parents. One with a terminal illness, and one with alzheimers both living at home. The marriage and the choice to be married in the mormon temple came as a complete shock as just two months ago the girl was saying “I would never do that, I’m not stupid”. Spring semester is paid for. My guess is they will cut off the extras between now and July to give a taste of what her life is going to be like living as an adult. This kid has literally never done a thing for herself and is clueless. Maybe the boy will step up. Maybe he will be useless after his surgery and realize work isn’t going to be possible if he is left debilatated from his back surgery. If after a few months she still wants to go through with this, she knows a little more of what to expect. Hopefully between now and then, they’ll have a plan. We can can estimate the future, they can’t. Hopefully as they start pricing apartments, insurance, phones, car payments etc they’ll realize it really would be more feasible to wait and have all of these things paid for. They have no restrictions on their lives. They live a few streets apart from each other and see each other daily. There are no parents giving them any rules to follow etc and they both are planning on staying at school during the summer also. My guess is if the tuition bill comes and they haven’t saved up for it or have taken out any of the loans they qualify for, the parents will come through after the emotions have died down. I also think they will assist in the wedding even though they are not happy and don’t agree. She is an only child. But before we all judge them they deserve some time. They didnt tell her they are disowning her. They are doing the right thing by agreeing they need counseling to figure this all out before they do things they can’t undo and ruin their relationship. Maybe the kid will grow and figure out some stuff in the meantime. We can only hope.</p>
<p>It not about getting married and college, it is about having mom and dad pay for your college when you are married.</p>
<p>Can’t this girl go to school, and work part time? Can’t her OWN HUSBAND help with her college?</p>
<p>i don’t think you can honor the marriage while still paying for basically everything. And as a married couple, I would be almost embarrassed that I made this big decision to get married but needed mommy to still pay for everything.</p>
<p>NR, are the happy couple staying in the dorm, in hopes that mom and dad will pay the room and board?</p>
<p>If it was my kid, I would say, you need to work all summer, and pay your own housing. </p>
<p>I am not judging them at all, I wish they would stick by their initial reactions and stop paying. Or at least cut way back so that the daughter can see what being married really is all about.</p>
<p>oregon 101- I have done the same with my own. “if you flunk out of school, party more than study etc, the tuition stops and I’ll help you find loans”. I’ve taught them their whole life go to college, wait to get married till you graduate, don’t spend what you don’t have etc. So did these parents. It’s an agreement you enter into before you send them off. It doesn’t mean you might bend the rules a little if circumstances come up but marriage isn’t a circumstance like an unplanned pregnancy. It’s a thought out choice.</p>