Culture Clash: Need some advice

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So, basically, this is another edition of the age-old story. I’m a male senior in HS, and I’m Indian-American. Problem is, my parents are Indian. I.e., we came over seven years ago, and I’ve Americanized, and they haven’t.</p>

<p>This means that I am not allowed to hang out with girls, am often not allowed to hang out at all on most occasions, not allowed to drive to many places, etc. Furthermore, I’m not allowed AIM, and my parents expect me to show them my email accounts whenever they ask.</p>

<p>At some point in the future, maybe after I finish college, my parents intend to fix up a marriage for me with some girl from India. That, at the very least, is not happening.</p>

<p>I have put up with very for three and a half years, partly because I’ve had a lot of cool guy friends. Unfortunately, most of them were a year ahead of me, and are now in college. My closest friends are three girls, none of whom I am allowed to hang out with. As you can imagine, dating is an afterthought…</p>

<p>Over the summer, my parents apparently felt I was talking on the phone too much, and when the bill came, even though it was all night minutes, meaning there were no overcharges, they went through and picked out the three numbers for my closest friends, stole my phone from my room at some point, and matched up the numbers and the names. I have not since been allowed to call those three girls either. In addition, my parents have told me that if I don’t get away from girls, they will not let me go to college anywhere other than the University of Memphis or Rhodes College. They will not pay for anywhere else, according to their threats.</p>

<p>I didn’t bother doing anything until now, because I had college apps to do anyway. But I want to have at least one normal semester of high school. And have some fun in college.</p>

<p>Anyway, I have 6 APs so far, 5 5’s and one 4 (AP Spanish), in 4 more this year, and have perfect SAT I, Math Level II, Bio-M, US History, and Lit. In addition, I have ECs out the wazoo and significant research and community service. So it’s not like I’m a troublemaker. Heck, I don’t even want that much freedom…</p>

<p>I have applied to these schools (UG Business where they have it), and hope to get substantial merit aid from some of them:</p>

<p>USC (hoping for Trustee)
UGA (Foundation Fellows)
WashU (Dean’s Scholarship in Business and others)
Duke (Robertson and other Duke scholarships)
NYU (maxes out at 25K, unfortunately)
CMU (think max is half-tuition, not sure)
Vandy (tons of different ones)
Penn (my top choice since seventh grade, but no merit aid)
UChi (tied with penn for top choice since I first began exploring it in Nov., but merit aid a longshot)</p>

<p>I have a couple other Ivies and Stanford and MIT, but those are practically irrelevant, since they don’t give Merit Aid, and I’d rather go to Penn than any of those places.</p>

<p>Basically, I’m considering striking out on my own. But I’d really rather not. I do love my parents, and I also realize how difficult paying for all the incidental expenses will be, even with a full-tuition. I do have 25-30K in outside scholarships.</p>

<p>Anyway, the question is, what do I do? Talking to my parents has never helped in the past. But I have to do something, and I’m much more willing to press the issue now.</p>

2

<p>I would find an outsider to tell your parents to go **** themselves. Preferably a big person that your dad can’t beat up.</p>

3

<p>Hey, I understand what you are going through. It’s such an exasperating process is it not? Understand that one day you must take a stand. It is far from easy and parents can be far from yielding. You need to do it though. Open them up to fresher, more rational perspectives and you will do yourself a monumental favor.</p>

<p>I’ve found greatest success in speaking with the parent that tends to be more lenient and best understands what it is like to be you. As a male, I have always felt my mom the better social companion, but my dad is the one that understands what it’s like to be a guy. Never open up to both at the same time. Speak to one when they are cheerful, rational, and not prone to sudden anger. It’s an extremely gradual and tedious process. Open them up to your world AND ask about their childhood. Parents often repeat traditions subconciously because it has been so ingrained into their system. The process is obviously challenging because it is impossible to force education upon your parents. It’s a huge psychological battle. </p>

<p>I hope for your best. You sound like a great, ambitious guy whose been able to excel despite the familial strife. Keep us updated once in a while.</p>

<p>Eric</p>

4

<p>I don’t have any magic answers for you; just some sympathy. But I think your situation is probably a lot more common than you think. I have a friend (female) who ended up meeting and marrying a guy - non-Indian - she met in college, and it caused a fair amount of grief in her family, as you can imagine. But they have come around, and all get along well now. Maybe once you get to college, you will meet some others in your situation, and get some support. It’s good that you recognize that your parents love you, and that this is a culture thing, not a “trust” thing. As a parent, it’s hard to let go sometimes, and in a culture that is radically different from what they were raised in, it’s also hard to accept that one way might be as good as another.</p>

<p>I think most 18 year olds are itching for independence, no matter what the culture. Some of your issues, like marriage, hopefully will not happen for a long time, and you will be plenty independent by then. You’ve got a great start academically, and college will give you a chance to spread your wings socially, too, if you can just calmly get through this year. I don’t think there is a real “quick fix” you can do now, other than taking control over your future. Over time, as your parents begin to adjust to the idea that you are “American”, perhaps some of their strings will loosen. Just don’t expect all of it to happen all at once.</p>

<p>Chosing a college where you can be less financially dependent upon your parents might be a good plan. Once you are independent financially, they will lose “power” over you. </p>

<p>If you qualify for financial aid, Penn does give grants, but if you don’t, then the cost will make you “owe” your parents for a long time. They will feel they have the right to control certain things even after you reach adulthood.</p>

<p>UGA’s honors college, however, (as the only example I’m familiar with, besides Penn) has a great reputation, and their Terry College of Business does as well. (I don’t think you can get in to Terry as a freshmen anymore, though.) Don’t know how the out-of-state tuition is, though. Instate folks have the HOPE. </p>

<p>I hope you love all the schools you’re applying to, and can “go for the money.” Best wishes!</p>

5

<p>I REALLY feel sorry for you. Honestly. I don’t know anyone here whose parents are that strict. (And I thought I had it bad).</p>

6

<p>Get into college and get full merit aid, then tell your parents to screw themselves. Remove your dependency on them and start enjoying life.</p>

7

<p>Blunt advice: well, I wish that you’d applied to schools half a notch down from where you did. But get the best merit aid you can, take out loans on your own to pay for the rest, and then tell your parents that since you’re paying, it’s your choice.</p>

<p>I have Indian clients that are Americanized and their parents deal with them very well…my sympathies.</p>

8

<p>I think you can expect major merit aid at Vanderbilt, where my daughter has a 3/4 tuition Dean’s scholarship with lower stats than yours. (800 x 6??? Go YOU!) Our cost per year there, with a few outside scholarships that don’t add up to yours, is about $15K, not including travel and books. Most importantly, it’s a wonderful school. A friend of ours has an excellent merit scholarship at WASHU, again with lower stats. The Duke scholarships are really, really tough, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a scholarship weekend invite.</p>

<p>As to your very considerable difficulties with your parents - you have my sympathies, as well. They love you very much and truly think they have your best interests at heart. Can you possibly endure your current limitations until August? You will have so much more freedom once you’re a few hundred miles away. Then again, you’ll have to assert your right to live your own life eventually. You do have an excellent shot at a top-tier education at a reasonable cost, so maybe now’s the time. Don’t discount the possibility that your parents may relent when they see that you’re willing to finance your own education.</p>

9

<p>megalo,
do you have any relatives or elder, slightly more Americanized family friends who might be able to help you soften up your parents? This is a difficult, long term issue, and as you know, you have to pick your battles carefully.</p>

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<p>frazzled1, I feel like if I don’t push the issue now, I’ll need to push it at some point. I mean, when they bring up the issue of marriage, for instance, I’ll need to tell them I’m not into the concept of an arranged marriage. So I’d rather do this now and try and work something out rather than jettison my hopes of going to Penn, like I’ve long wished to do.</p>

<p>jasmom, unfortunately, we are South Indian, and the majority of Indians in Memphis are North Indian, meaning my parents disapprove of them. It’s a very stupid Indian thing. There was one person, my spelling bee coach, who had a son that went to Harvard and grew very Americanized, even rejecting vegetarianism (still would not eat beef, which is the only absolute religious edict. The rest is cultural). She dealt with it. Unfortunately, her son then got into trouble and was suspended from Harvard for a year to prove himself or something. Long story. So my mom’s understandably even more cautious than before. </p>

<p>Oh, and I use the term Americanized to refer to his changes because it’s the most convenient term. I definitely don’t attach any connotations to it, even though I am actually quite Hindu and vegetarian. It’s not even a religious issue, since I am learning Sanskrit and reading the Vedas, both tasks usually only done by Hindu religious scholars…</p>

<p>Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier. My parents are debating moving to somewhere near where I go to college. So if I end up at Penn, or NYU, or some place like that, they would move to New Jersey, where my dad’s company has extensive operations. Same with Chicago. So I really wouldn’t have too much privacy in college, I think. Which is why I’m probably going to do what TheDad suggested and take out as much in the form of loans as I need to and go with my best merit package. I’m hoping that if I can go to a school like USC Marshall or UChi or Duke with a full tuition, my earnings coming out of college will be sufficiently high that the debt will not be crippling.</p>

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<p>Megalomaniac0502 </p>

<p>I know what you’re going through. You need to have you parents understand the importance of building up social skills and networks. I also reccomend you stand your ground on your beliefs. Their threats are empty.</p>

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<p>megalomaniac, As a nonIndian and a parent, I was trying to understand your parents’ actions till you mentioned they will probably move to near where you attend college. That brings the concept of “control” to a new level that I’m not familiar with. </p>

<p>One way to look at it and I feel sneaky even mentioning it…you are out of there in less than 8 months. Why not cool it with the girls, do your socializing at school, or at least don’t call them (well I guess you can’t now). I’m sure you can find a way to socialize working around your restrictions. Once you’re in college, even if mom and dad aren’t far away, as long as you aren’t required to stay overnight with them on weekends or something equally ridiculous you’ll have a lot more freedom. Then once you’re finished with college and on your own you can address the marriage thing.</p>

<p>So hang in there, September isn’t far away.</p>

<p>btw I believe CMU awards full tuition scholarships</p>

13

<p>

</p>

<p>It seems to be a common thought in many Indian families. My parents are quite liberal (they came here in the 70’s for grad school so they’ve had a bit of time to Americanize). They were quite shocked when, while talking to some acquaintances one weekend at the temple, they were asked if they would move out to San Diego since I was going to college there. Apparently, they’ve been asked this question on more than one occasion - and the people asking were completely serious, as if they were planning to with their own children! A few of my friends are in similar predicaments - either the parents are set on moving wherever the child goes, or have limited colleges to a 150 mile radius. It’s terribly restrictive, but some Indian parents have a skewed view of the USA and tend to enforce their beliefs based on that.</p>

<p>And yes, CMU does award full tuition scholarships (a relative of mine got one…so while I know, I don’t have a link to provide).</p>

<p>Megalomaniac0502, get a new email address your parents don’t know about (with a complex password) and use it for all college and loan/financial communications. You really don’t want to have your parents looking around your account and finding out about loan inquiries, etc, until you’re ready to talk to them about it.</p>

<p>By the way, what are you thinking of majoring in? And, are your parents pushing you towards med school?</p>

<p>:)</p>

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<p>Hmmm, that’s a good idea about the email address. I’ll do that. And actually, no, they tried to push me towards med school, but I’m interested in business, and they figure that’s not too bad.</p>

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<p>That’s good, at least they’re open about your major. Probably will help with things later on compared to if you wanted to major in something they didn’t ‘approve’ of at all.</p>

<p>:)</p>

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<p>It’s not an idea tied to culture. I’ve always remembered that Gen. MacArthur’s mother followed him to West Point and took up residence in the hotel across the street. The story goes that she got a room high enough up that she could make sure his room light was on at night to show that he was studying (not sure why Doug wouldn’t just learn how to sleep with the light off).</p>

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<p>Although you look like a great candidate for merit awards at your schools, is there still time to apply to some schools that offer merit aid such as Georgia, Arizona and Indiana or at Rice or Emory ? While they may not have the top business schools, it might be worth it for your peace of mind if you don’t get the aid you hope for at the other schools.</p>

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<p>lderochi, the difference is that it seems to be much more prevalent in Indian familes than most others. There are, of course, similar parents in every race, no question about that.</p>

<p>:)</p>

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<p>Rhodes is a nice college! Lots more women than men there too. Tell your parents that your plan is to move back to India after graduation, and of course a recognizable (=Ivy League school) degree will be very important to your success in India, not to mention enhancing your value as a husband to the families of eligible women. Give your parents a list of the attributes you are looking for in a traditional Indian bride so they can get to work on that search. In four years when you graduate from college you can rethink your plans, but meanwhile go with the flow!</p>

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<p>And who’s to say, really, that arranged marriages lead to less happiness than the Western approach?</p>