What has five toes, but is NOT your foot?
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My foot. 
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Guy walks into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar, introduces himself, and says “this is my dog Bob, he can talk”. The bartender shakes his head, and says “dogs can’t talk”.
Guy says “no, he can talk, I swear.”
Bartender shakes head . “Okay, tell you what, your dog talks, and I’ll give you a free beer”
Guy smiles. He says “Bob, what is on the outside of a tree?”. Dog looks at him, and then opens his mouth and out comes “Bark!Bark!”
Bartender gives him a tight smile. “Okay, that was cute, here’s your beer”. Bartender goes away for a bit, comes back, guy has finished his beer.
Guy says to the bartender “wasn’t that amazing? I told you he can talk”. The bartender nods, and says “it was cute”.
Guy shakes his head. "no, really, he talks, I swear. "
Bartender shakes his head “cmon, guy, that was just cute”
Guy insists, says “test me again, how about for another beer?”
Bartender at first says no, but then says “Okay, you’re on”
Guy looks at the dog." Bob, what do you call the top of the house?". Dog looks at him, wagging his tail, and says “roof! roof!”.
Bartender shakes his head, grimacing. “okay, that was cute too, I get it”.
Guy gets his beer, drinks it. Bartender goes off, and comes back.
The guy says “I told you he can talk”. Bartender gets and angry look, and say “look, all that was was clever, using sounds dog’s make to make it sound like they are talking, it was clever, you have had your two beers, but it wasn’t talking”
Guy insists, says the dog can really talk. Bartender is angry but doesn’t want to make a scene. Finally, he says “mister, tell you what, I’ll give you one last chance with your talking dog, to shut you up. But I warn you, if it is another cutesy dog sound, I am going to throw you and your dog out on your butt, I promise.”
The guy grins. “Bob, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”. Bob wags his tail, and then says “rooth! rooth!”
Bartender leaps over the counter, grabs the guy, grabs the dog, throws them out of the bar onto the sidewalk. “And stay out!”
Guy is brushing himself off, dog is cleaning himself off. Dog looks at the guy and says “Do you think I should have said Dimaggio?”
(tells you how old this one is)
1 Like
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
3 Likes
Why must melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
1 Like
Why is six nervous?
Because 7 ate (eight) 9.
1 Like
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this joke.
6 Likes
Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted.
1 Like
I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
3 Likes
Why couldn’t the little boy go see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated “Arrrgh!”
2 Likes
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
5 Likes
ALERT! Delete all emails from Hormel Foods. It could be spam. 
9 Likes
Why doesn’t the sun need to go to college? Because it already has millions of degrees.
4 Likes
I don’t get it 
1 Like
Mutiny on the Bounty
3 Likes
What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.
3 Likes
Groan.
2 Likes