Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
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Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.
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We really need a groan and facepalm emoji for this thread.
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My wife was shocked to learn that I am not a good electrician.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two — one to change the bulb and another to give it an unexpected twist at the end.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays? I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Did you know if you’re driving, and it rains in Sweden, by law you have you use your windshield wipers?
But I live in the US, how the heck am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
…and on and on and on…
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Reminded me of this one
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
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Me: “Dad, your jokes are so corny!”
My military Dad: “I have to be corny if I want to be a Colonel (kernal)!”
Groan…
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What’s the best way to make a plant laugh?
Tell acorny joke.
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I won a contest at the State Fair for growing the biggest pickle.
It was kind of a big dill.
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This one deserves to be singled out for its own reaction - 
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What do you call a line of dads waiting for a haircut?
A barberqueue.
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This thread is fantastic!!
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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
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Seeing that this is a college admissions forum:
How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two; one to make the martinis while the other calls the electrician.
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
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Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two tired.
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick. 
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Old Norm McDonald joke:
“In music news, number 1 on the College charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number 2…Ezra.”
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The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.
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