Thing about the dirty bra is that one could choose a top that better covered it. Not the style where the shoulders are cut wide to intentionally reveal the straps. Putting that look together is usually a choice.
Yes, some may get their clothes free. But we’re really talking about choices.
I live near a city that often holds cheerleading nationals (or something like that. ) It’s near a mall. The costume bottoms are very short shorts. Sometimes, you see these gals out on breaks, at the mall or walking, with those bottoms and a tee or tank. So be it.
Agree but as I said earlier and others have said our appearance is a signal. We dress how we want to dress for ourselves but to think we aren’t sending a visual statement is naive. How is I want to look sexy any different from I want to look professional or I wAnt to look like a work out all the time etc. We control that signal and understanding that there is the human concept of first impressions is key.
It is far from being judgemental in my opinion and more instinct. To be blunt a woman who goes out the door thinking look at me I am so sexy is naieve to think that other peoples first impression might not be the same. Guys are really no different, they also signal.
Thanks, @lookingforward . I see your point, too, and I’m not advocating for any certain style of dress. As I said, I was pretty strict with my girls. I fought for looser yoga pants instead of leggings when they were young. I lost that battle when leggings pretty much replaced jeans. Then I pushed for long, loose tops over leggings. Over time my lovely girls were influenced more and more by trends than what I was saying. Now I’m just not concerned with leggings. The other day my daughter had on a flowy top that covered her, and a bit of peachy strap was visible that tied around her neck like a halter top would. It was creative and pretty.
Some people don’t like short shorts, some people don’t approve of shorts at all. I read an article by a woman about 10 years ago who thought women should be covered to their elbows and knees. I can’t remember her rule for men. Most of us would be heathens to her. I understand she has different beliefs.
What I wouldn’t understand is if she called someone a slut or prostitute because of it. And I totally agree with @musicprnt about the unnacceptability of victim blaming.
Sure @momofthreeboys. But the audience at the mall that these gals are concerned with isn’t a hiring manager, religious leader, or random parents. Nor is it that lecherous creep.
I know they need to be wise, per the situation. As a mom to two gals, no guys, lots of concerns. Sure.
In hs, I once bought D1 a delightful, tight, short, hot pink dress for a dance. One of those once in a lifetime dresses. I wasn’t worried bc it would be 60 girls or so, maybe a dozen young males, each attached to their own date.
Ir never occured to me some parent hanging around would judge her based on that.
Judging is really claiming our own power and authority. About “me.” Sometimes, gotta just hold back.
This thread is so interesting - and just FULL of conflict, some judgement, some good ideas, people on both sides of the road.
All over clothing.
If you are going to pick on 20 year olds wearing “scant” clothing, I hope you are doing the same for other adults. Pregnant moms who wear clothing on their bellies too tight. Guys who wear skin tight skinny jeans - or loose baggy saggy pants. Overweight people who wear shorts or tank tops also revealing “too much” skin. Less than fit women who wear cami tank tops with no bra or just a shelf bra. The 50 year old guy with the beer belly who is cutting his grass shirtless.
Do we judge these people ^^^ the same way as a 20 year old? Is the guy with the beer belly promiscuous because he’s showing skin? It’s all based on personal judgement. All over CLOTHING.
I’m watching a bit of the news on the violence in Charlottesville. I haven’t paid an ounce of attention to what any of them are wearing. I’m looking at their actions. Like I said earlier, raise you eyes to above the neck. Built your young adults up on their actions and keep your judgments on their clothing in your own head.
@momofthreeboys , I agree about appropriate clothing for the setting and teaching kids about that and about first impressions. It is a diverse society and people have different standards, which is ok. I don’t agree that you can tell what someone was thinking when they chose clothes. You might think they were thinking ‘look at me I’m so sexy’ but maybe they thought they looked pretty or were late for dance class. Whole lot of factors could be going into it. For many kids it’s just the clothes they have seen their whole lives, and they are not thinking anything about it as they walk out the door.
When I looked at pictures of myself playing soccer in high school, the shorts we wore to play and hang out were incredibly short. Everyone around me wore them and I was not thinking I looked sexy.
Boys and male NBA players wore incredibly short shorts during that period and probably weren’t thinking they looked sexy. I have to go but I appreciate the discussion.
@525600minutes, “What I took issue with is using such derogatory words towards people based simply on clothing choice.”
I hear you and get that you and other CC parents of daughters who posted on this thread are just wanting to protect your daughters and don’t want others viewing her clothing choices as a character deficiency. Unfortunately, the reality is not pretty. Do you know the slang out there used by young guys who comment on girls’ clothing or dating habits? It’s awful. My boys share with me the lingo out there (THOT=That Ho Over There) said by guys who are mainly football and baseball athletes. I’m only sharing this so that you’re aware of what’s said by our kids’ peers.
With rap culture permeating the suburbs (it used to only be popular with urban kids), it’s cool for girls to dress scantily and twerk. Just go to YouTube and search for any videos by top rap artists and you’ll see what today’s teens and young adults are into and who’s influencing them.
@busdriver11 It makes me laugh when your response is a backhanded apology citing words like “triggered” and "rage. It was a nice conversation and no we did not all agree. You came in with an ugly and judgmental post that read as full of rage. Posters are responding to the tone in your comments, not that you disagree. In my opinion, of course;)
Yep, I am also judgemental about guys who wear jeans so baggy they are waddling around and can barely walk. Don’t even get me started on guys showing their butt cracks, I don’t want to see it. Not critical of people with weight issues, pregnant women, beer bellies or the 20 year old women in particular.
The common thread I have is that no matter whom you are, I don’t want to see it all. And I don’t think it reflects well upon you. Obviously my viewpoint is offensive and in the minority, but that’s what it is. I also was disgusted with the young woman with it all hanging out the other day on the lake. Laying on top of a boat, grinding and humping an invisible man. She got a lot of stares, which I’m assuming she wanted. But hey, it’s all good, right? My disgust must mean there’s something wrong with me.
I agree with roethlisburger. Clothing does provide a social signal. Pretending it doesn’t is not honest.
There are many things in life beyond our control. However, our choices in choosing our clothing as adults is wholly within our control, and people are judged by the choices they make.
Yup and it isn’t age restricted. I am not as anti as bus driver but I do stop and wonder sometimes what people are thinking because one does “think” when they put clothes on. You can walk down the street with it all hanging out aand a 142 IQ and it won’t make a hill of beans difference.
People stare for all sorts of reasons. People openly stare at me in my wheelchair. People with disabilities are used to this.
Can they help it? Yup. Would most parents correct their kids if they saw them doing it? Hopefully. Is it any different from staring for basically any other reason? I don’t think so.
I don’t think assuming people are able to control their staring is a leap. I do think people have some self control.
Person + clothing + social situation/environment = when the combo is inappropriate, you bet my brain begins to judge.
Tube top/bralette sticking/short skirt on a 20 yr old - ok on a hot summer day at the mall, park, movies, etc. but not OK on a casual dress day at a law firm, no matter how laid back the dress code is. Same outfit on a 60 yr old lady - nope, never appropriate, unless she is in the role of a teen in a theater play. Ditto shirtless beer belly. Ok on a 50 yr old dude mowing his grass or sunbathing on a beach, but same shirtless dide eating ice cream on a public park bench… didn’t your mom teach you that is not ok?
When I see such inappropriate combos, my brain begins to wonder what caused the person to be so clueless. No, it does not automatically assume that the person is seeking sexual attention.
The point is that maybe we should, as a society move beyond clothes being a social signifier. It is superficial.
With that said back to the OP…it seems to me that your DD IS respecting herself she is confidnet and happy in her choice, even if you are not. Yes, we as parents, absolutely should guide our kids with regard to appropriate clothing choices given the event. I too, have sent my pre-pubescent and adolescent kids to change their clothes for reasons from it is too short/revealing, to no we don’t need to wear nike shorts and a sloppy t-shirt 24/7, cheer clothes are not appropriate in a resturant, to don’t wear spikey heels at an event on grass a wedge makes more sense. I am their mom, it is my job. At 17/20, they have heard most of it a hundred times and perhaps it is time to let it go and let them figure it out.
What I find unfortunate is that when my girls have come down the stairs in something that they clearly love, and feel confident wearing and makes them feel good about themselves but perhaps is something that society would say is too revealing or inappropriate (I have a plus sized, ample busted daughter and an average size daughter so clothing “issues” run the gamut) It saddens me that if I ask them to change to conform to society, I am essentially saying you are wrong, you aren’t “good enough” and you should question you own judgement. Every time I say it, I’m crushing their self-esteem, just a little bit. Those little bits add up, that sucks and it is not right. Why should their self worth be at the cost of making society comfortable?
Yes the sad reality is that people judge us by our appearance. I hope by calling that judgement out every time I have the opportunity I make myself and others stop and reflect, even for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, someday we will no longer judge people on how they look, but by their action instead.
'Scuse me, no, I wouldn’t be happy about talk that referred to “that ho.” There’s plenty my girls have shared with me, but that one wouldn’t slide by without some serious chat.
(And I might be tempted to ask boys just how they know she’s in the trade. )
Many times, when I’ve said something not even borderline, my girls correct me. (Annoying. Yes. But I appreciate their sensitivity.)
And yowsa. Some male skinny jeans leave nothing to the imagination. Do you assume they’re sex pros?
Some of us are not knee-jerk defending this attire as always ok. Rather, noting the quick, unfiltered and authoritative rush to judgment. As if.
Well, should I give a full and meaningful apology? And for going against the mainstream, having a different opinion, or ruining a nice conversation? I certainly regret ruining the pleasant tone of the conversation…I wasn’t careful with my words, and people assumed things that I didn’t intend. I certainly didn’t expect pages of anger, so yeah, I think there were trigger words that I could have avoided.
But people should understand that there are many people out there like me, who will not think much of you if your rear end is hanging out, your butt crack is showing, and you are exposing yourself. You can do whatever is legal, but you can’t force others to respect you for it.
