<p>posting mommathree’s earlier thread post was meant only to illustrate how we all can get very stuck on the immediacy of an issue, and often not see the bigger picture. if she felt her daughter had grown so in the last year perhaps this recent issue is not quite as critical as it may seem at the moment. I surely don’t know, but she may reflect on this.</p>
<p>Redroses, I realize you are a student and have an interesting perspective to offer on this thread, having never laid awake worried about someone all night…</p>
<p>So, from your perspective, what does “real help” look like on a message board?</p>
<p>Real help=being able to hear what is being said with an open mindedness which would preclude defensiveness and reinforcing negatives which contradict what was said in past threads.</p>
<p>Poetgrl, I have 4 kids, a PhD in psych and was a high school counselor for more than 20 years.</p>
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<p>I am a student as well. Observing some of these similair issues that some of my cousins have been through, I feel my advice is worthwhile.</p>
<p>Wow. Now I get a PM telling me I was cruel. Sometimes hearing what you don’t want to hear might sound harsh, but in reality it might be just the truth.</p>
<p>redroses, I’m sorry, I actually meant to write Red968, but your names are similar with the red part. My mistake.</p>
<p>But, Red did answer.</p>
<p>Red, you aren’t cruel, you’re just young. Your perspective is good to have in this context, if not for M-3, who might be too fragile right now, then for others.</p>
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<p>Which is what the mother has failed to do. The mother only wants to hear people who agree with her. I wonder why the daughter is acting the way she’s acting?</p>
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<p>I understand, but the mother shouldn’t be posting on here if she is too fragile right now. She should be discussing this with her husband and sons.</p>
<p>I’m not a parent, either. I usually stick around to give my point of view as the halfling that I am, at the young/old age of 28 (depending upon which side of the cafe you’re on). </p>
<p>I’m a recovering co-dependent, though, and the OP’s pain struck such a chord with me. I remember being that distraught, laying awake at nights and dreading whether I was going to get up in the morning and find my loved one dead.</p>
<p>I found some tools that helped me. I’ve shared them.</p>
<p>Recalling with gut-wrenching familiarity the place that I was at just prior to my start towards recovering from this self-destructive frame of mind, I know that some of the criticism in the manner that’s been found here would only have served to cause me to dig in my heels, write many of you off as jerks, and I’d keep going on my way, knowing that what I was doing was helping my loved one.</p>
<p>If you haven’t been there in some way, if you haven’t known this sort of life situation before, and if you don’t have something productive to offer, it’s probably best not to offer it. As a non-parent, I certainly wouldn’t have passed judgment, and I wouldn’t have even dared to comment if reading the thread hadn’t been like a two-by-four to the face-- that was my life. Those were my feelings and my exhaustion.</p>
<p>I sent her some resources but haven’t heard back. I hope she’s well, and I wish her peace.</p>
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<p>No. She wants constructive perspective and supportive responses because she is in pain and can do nothing about it to change things except to let her daughter go and to get on with her own life. If all of her children were like this and she had this relationship to her entire family, then you could say that. But, she does not.</p>
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<p>That’s the problem. You shouldn’t call somebody a jerk if you don’t agree with them.</p>
<p>When I post threads on here to get help, I understand not everybody is going to be on the same page. I read and analyze every single post. I don’t get mad if somebody doesn’t agree with me. I take everything into context and get my help from there.</p>
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<p>If I was in that much pain, the first thing I would do is have a long talk with my immediate family. Then, I would go to other family members for guidance. I wouldn’t come on here to solve my problems if I was in that much pain.</p>
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<p>Why is anonymity good? I believe in having everything out in the open. I don’t like secrecy. If everything is out in the open, then the lines of communication are better.</p>
<p>Red, it is good to know what you would do if you found yourself in pain. thank you for letting us know.</p>
<p>Red, I applaud your pragmatic thinking and maturity. As time goes on you’ll see it’s pretty simple, different people view the same facts differently. Poetgrl relates to Mamma-three’s thinking, I resonate with yours. Everyone’s views have a place on forums and no one should try to shut anyone else down or belittle their input, no matter what their age.</p>
<p>Yes, Redroses, I find it excellent that we have two therapists with differing perspectives on the thread. And I think red’s perspective is great, very healthy.</p>
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<p>Who said that?</p>
<p>One more, and then I need to sleep…</p>
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<p>We must cultivate our garden. --Voltaire</p>
<p>Goodnight, momma-three. I wish you peace.</p>
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<p>Thanks. It really ticks me off when I get Pm’s saying I was cruel when all I was doing was offering my advice and opinions.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t get it when people say that you can’t offer any advice if you haven’t actually experienced the situation.</p>