<p>“If I was in that much pain, the first thing I would do is have a long talk with my immediate family. Then, I would go to other family members for guidance. I wouldn’t come on here to solve my problems if I was in that much pain.”</p>
<p>People differ so what works for you may not work for the OP.</p>
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<p>I would go nuts if a parent did that to me. </p>
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<p>Saying your child is a monster seems very harsh. I wonder what the daughter did for the mother to call her a monster.</p>
<p>“I understand, but the mother shouldn’t be posting on here if she is too fragile right now. She should be discussing this with her husband and sons.”</p>
<p>For all any of us know, this message board may be a gentler place for the OP to express her concerns than expressing them now to her family. None of us is omniscient or is walking in her shoes, so none of us definitely knows what’s best for her.</p>
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<p>I completely understand that. I am just stating my opinions. I udnerstand the mother might not even read them, much less use them.</p>
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<p>I couldn’t agree more that this is what is needed. Of course, easier said from the sideline than to actually do it in the thick of a crisis…but I think mom3 is going to get there! Sending you best wishes…</p>
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<p>The monster is codependency.</p>
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<p>This isn’t something that happened overnight. This has been an ongoing issue and the husband and possibly the sons have been spectators to the daughter’s actions. Those are the people you have to talk to. We don’t have all the facts here.</p>
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<p>I understand, but I couldn’t even imagine (I guess only if they committed murder), would I think about calling my child a monster even in all of my fury.</p>
<p>“This isn’t something that happened overnight. This has been an ongoing issue and the husband and possible the sons have been spectators to the daughter’s actions. Those are the people you have to talk to. We don’t have all the facts here.”</p>
<p>Obviously, we don’t have all of the facts. However, this could be a better place to gather ideas and mull things over than waking up her family to discuss things in person now. It also could be a way for the OP to allow herself to be more calm while talking to her family about this situation.</p>
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<p>Waking up her family? She posted this in the afternoon. I think she needs to have a long talk with her husband (and possibly her sons) about this and discuss possible solutions to the problem. I believe that is the only way this problem is going to start being solved.</p>
<p>Someone suggested I come take a look at this thread. It appears to have become the “red963” show. While It it hopeful that the multiple posts were meant to be helpful in some way, I agree with those who say the tone in which they are presented is anything but helpful, and seems to have driven the OP away. Whether it was meant to be unkind or not, the outcome is unkind.</p>
<p>To the OP- I am sorry you hare having these troubles with your daughter. Maybe red963 is trying to imitate or model rude, insolent behavior that your daughter may be exhibiting- as an opportunity for you to practice here being firmer with a young adult whose behavior towards adults is insensitive, disrespectful and brash.</p>
<p>When I go back and read the string of threads the OP has started concerning problems with her daughter, it’s pretty clear where the problem is.</p>
<p>It’s long overdue for the OP to let go and to stop meddling in her daughter’s life.</p>
<p>^^^^Those of you who have nothing but wonderful children are very lucky and blessed. I also don’t think you could understand that when you have a child who has these types of problems you do not parent in the same way. I have been more involved because if I wasn’t than who was going to be??..The psychiatrist in a mental health ward. I know that many of you have little or no personal experience dealing with these type of issues…so I can excuse some of the comments but some may want to keep in mind that all bets are off when a parent has a kid in trouble. The rules of parenting are not the same when a 19 year old has these types of issues.</p>
<p>Aibarr, post #188. I don’t know about M-3 but I needed to read that.</p>
<p>Momma-3,
I have a rebellious DD (18 year old). She can go for months and months and be a mature, responsible young lady and, then, BLAM!!..she will go and do something so blindingly stupid that it takes my breath away. She is departing for college in August and my H and I are alternately thrilled for her and yet terrified.</p>
<p>I am learning so much from this thread and so appreciate your honesty. I hope you do not let a few immature, obnoxious posters (who I doubt have children) drive you away.</p>
<p>RE: Yorkyfan and momma-3:
I learned first-hand that when problems with your 18-20 year old happen, the quicker you “let go”, the quicker the problems begin to resolve themselves.</p>
<p>You posted a situation seeking input. I gave you my input - with utmost sincerity and honesty. If you decide it doesn’t fit your situation, that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean I’m obnoxious, immature, or that I don’t understand.</p>
<p>momma-three, my sympathies.</p>
<p>My son has some of the problems your daughter has. When I get infuriated by some other posters’ comments, I have to remind myself that those parents who give their advice to back off from parenting don’t have children like mine. What sounds like smugness can just be lack of knowledge. </p>
<p>And that is why I advise you to seek a knowledgeable therapist. You don’t have a typical child, so the typical advice may or may not apply.</p>
<p>“I also don’t think you could understand that when you have a child who has these types of problems you do not parent in the same way.”</p>
<p>We have a 17 year old in our house, and we will be very lucky if the extent of her problems are only as bad as your D’s when she’s that age. If my parents had imposed the rules on me that they presently impose on her, I probably would have left the house at 18. But for my sister, before she had this level of parental involvement she self injured, drank and did drugs, was very sexually promiscuous, and eventually attempted suicide. A year later she is mostly no longer endangering herself, however she is so horribly combative that she has chased me out of the house, I love her but her behavior is just intolerably monstrous, but this is unfortunately a necessary process for her. I don’t foresee her behavior suddenly becoming that of a healthy individual her age for a while yet, and with the changes to her life coming as graduation looms I could definitely see it getting worse before it gets better, and my parents are going to have to stay as involved in her life as she will tolerate to keep her functioning and safe-- and I don’t mean from a few bumps or bruises or from emotional damage, I mean quite literally from death. The risk of her literally getting herself killed or becoming so dysfunctional that she kills herself is drastically higher than it is for a normal 18-20 year old, and she NEEDS outside influence to keep her alive until she can heal enough to manage this herself. </p>
<p>The level of involvement my parents have and are going to need to have in the future is much different from what they have done with me, because that is what the situation unfortunately calls for. Mental illness is a game changer in parenting. A child or young adult with a mental illness has drastically different needs than someone who is healthy. While one does need to do ones best to meet the more normal needs of an 18-20 year old as well, such as independence, one also has to work to keep the needs of the mental illness in check. There is a very delicate balance. </p>
<p>Without being a professional therapist and personally consulting with the OP, her D, and the rest of their family, I really don’t think you have any way of knowing what mistakes OP has or hasn’t made in raising her D. The way one parents has to be molded to fit the child’s individual and complex needs, and there is no way you can know whether or not m3 has done that appropriately without having been there. You can try to superimpose the needs of YOUR child, a completely different person with a different set of needs, but that is not very productive and certainly doesn’t make you right and OP wrong.</p>
<p>Emahee, you are wise beyond your years.</p>
<p>This is the gift of having a sister with these kinds of problems. I am happy to hear you are healthy enough and your parents are healthy enough to keep you as much “out of it” as possible when it comes to the management of your sister’s unfortunate issues.</p>
<p>Momma-three - I am thinking about you today. Try to do something for yourself that you enjoy. Get a new book, take a bubble bath, a long walk, etc. Take care of YOURSELF for a little while today, please.</p>