Daughter has left home

Parent Cafe
501

<p>Again, I just want to say I am sorry for this situation and hope it is short lived and I know you feel stressed and heartbroken. In some ways, there is a positive here as you are forced to let go and she is going to grow up and be independent which is age appropriate. </p>

<p>I do think that you and your husband need to take the first step. I don’t think she is going to come to you (beyond other reasons, just saving face itself). She may think you are angry as she knows you want her to live at home. Also, in one of the very early posts, you said she told others she was thrown out of the house (untrue of course but that is the story she is telling and so there are bad feelings there). So, I think you guys have to reach out to her in writing and in person in order to move forward and not go over what happened but hear her plans for the year and tell her you will always be there and just want her to keep in touch for your peace of mind. But I do think you guys have to go to her as she is not going to come to you, nor ask you for the money either. </p>

<p>I’m sorry for all your troubles! Hopefully, if you get help yourselves from a therapist, they will help you figure out how to handle the situation with your daughter. I assume you are seeing someone and I hope that helps.</p>

502

<p>With college aged kids most of us will endure some moments of immaturity. We can take offense or we can demonstrate what bigger behavior looks like. We can expect them to grovel or reach out to get things back on track. </p>

<p>At the same time we need to recognize our role because no matter how good a parent we are, we will make mistakes.</p>

<p>Momma-three probably isn’t as far from bringing this back together as it feels like for her in the moment. Her daughter is young and forgiveness, acceptance and sharing in that no one behaved perfectly here can go a long way.</p>

503

<p>I think this is reparable too. Unfortunately, the night the split came, some angry words were spoken and so that is the recent memory that is being held to the chest. There needs to be a reaching out to show forgiveness and love and wishes to make things better and so that the memory of that night is not the one held close to the chest. I really hope you guys can get together for apologies, forgiveness, love, support, and all that. So many hurt and angry feelings and a step needs to be taken. I am sorry for you all as I am sure it hurts.</p>

504

<p>momma-three … just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and your daughter and hoping for the best for you all … good luck!</p>

505

<p>I second (or third…or fourth…) soozievt’s idea of a letter. Sometimes in a face to face conversation there is body language, however small and unintended, that can add to the tension. A tilt of the head, an extra breath, a shrug of the shoulder, a slight roll of the eye…all can be be misconstrued as disapproval and act as a catalyst for an argument. A letter allows you to compose your thoughts and stay very calm.</p>

506

<p>There were some angry words but not what some may expect. Our daughter was angry but the days prior to her leaving included an incident which requires a heartfelt apology from our daughter. Until I receive that there is little more that could be done to repair what has happened. Our daughter is not a bad kid but when out of control she exhibits the behavior of a very young and irresponsible teenager. I can not disclose what occured prior to the night she left because it is still too hard for me to even say. Her behavior on the night in question was directed at me because I was the one in closest proximity to her. It has been difficult to post and hear some of the comments because you just don’t have all the details. That is O.K because I could not expect anyone to understand why we have reacted the way we have without disclosing the whole truth. </p>

<p>Our daughters boyfriend is really a wonderful person and he has made contact with our sons (they are friends) and I received a call from him as well. He feels terrible about what has gone on and he said that my daughter misses me and her dad very much. He went on to say that I have always been the person she loves and cares about the most and she just wants to make me proud and happy. This past year was actually really good and I was sure that my daughter knew how much we loved her and how devoted we were to seeing her get everything she needed to be well and happy. My husband and I gave so much of ourselves to her and although she has trouble with words we know that she loved us for being the support she needed at the time. I remember one day when we were shopping and she said to me “Mom, please always take care of yourself because I need you to go shopping with me and who else would I want to help me buy a wedding dress.” That one sentence said what she can not express in other ways. As her boyfriend said “she needs you in her life”. I also believe that this past year was so important in so many ways because our daughter recognized things on her own regarding what was the best for her. When she had the opportunity to go back to school mid year she said she would never go back to any campus because she realized that was not the way she could get her degree. She was not saying that she needed mom and dad but rather she needed her space and her room and her quiet to maintain her sanity. I knew that she made huge progress by realizing that not everyone can take the same path. We live in an area where going away to college is the norm and high academic achievement is expected. It took alot of soul searching for our daughter to realize what she needed to be successful. I know she loves me more than she will ever admit to me but she does need to acknowledge what she has done that could have been a true disaster that she would have paid for for the rest of her life. Her outbursts must be contained and she can not continue to act assuming I will always be there for her to lash out on when she is angry or mad at something else. This is why I am attending meeting and seeing the therapist. I miss and want my daughter back but I do not want any of the drama or outbursts. I really am far less tolerant of such things than I once was. As far as my sons are concerned, I would wish everyone to have such terrific kids. They love their sister and they love their parents and although they are messy and sometimes inconsiderate they have not caused us 1 ounce of worry in all of their years. I detect some nastiness regarding them as being “perfect”. They are not perfect but they are loving and good and they understand the importance of family and the bond that we have. Some of you may not recall that we nearly lost our son as a young child and we as a family stuck together to make his childhood as normal and happy as possible. The kids (all of them) were just amazing when he was ill and that will be a bond that most can not understand. They are all very close in age as well. Our oldest son is only a year older then our identical twins and our daughter is a little over a year younger than the twins. Raising them was like a party…we had our own little group and than we had all of their friends. They were and are each others best friends and the closeness is so deep that even though our daughter is being difficult her brothers love her unconditionally. They are so upset that this is going on. I am not making them out to be “saints” as someone implied, I am trying to give you pieces to a picture of our family. It would be hard to include everything at once unless I posted a novel. When our son was sick, my daughter would lay in the bed with her brother and rub his head and tell him how beautiful he was even though the meds made him unrecognizable to anyone who knew him. She would lay her head on him and say prayers saying that God was listening and he was going to make her brother better. There really is no way to explin the dynamics here except to say that this is not typical of the family we have raised. The bonds are tighter than anyone could imagine and the love is so deep that no ammount of trouble could get in the way of the bond that is here. None of us like this situation but we could not turn on back on our daughter anymore than we could turn our back on our son when he was so sick. We nearly lost our son so we know the pain that no parent should ever know. </p>

<p>Now we are sitting and waiting realizing we can’t make our daughter come home but we want her to come home. She will always be loved and we hope that she will realize that part of being an adult is taking responsibility for what you have done. Our sons and her boyfriend believe that she can not face me because of the incident that occured prior to the weekend that she left. She needs to face it and until she does she will not be able to move on. I know that she loves me and I also know that she wants me in her life. Some of you must have had some different experiences with your own families but trust me this is not what you think. We are all involved in each other but that is because we have been through more than most and we understand and love each other so much. Our daughters brothers are wonderful to their sister because she has been wonderful and supportive of them. They are four very lucky siblings and I myself never had what they have as siblings, so if they sound like “saints” I could only respond with they are loving siblings with bonds that run deep.</p>

507

<p>"Now we are sitting and waiting realizing we can’t make our daughter come home but we want her to come home. "</p>

<p>In her search for a way to grow up and be appropriately independent, your daughter may be looking for a way to be able to handle school while not living at home. Depending on what living arrangements she finds, that may be very possible. Not every student who’s living away from home is living in a distracting, party atmosphere.</p>

508

<p>^^^^ That is true, and I could respect that decision. She still needs to address what has occured.</p>

509

<p>It is obvious that you love your daughter and that she loves you. I am touched that her boyfriend has spoken to you about this and sounds very caring and is showing that your D truly wants a relationship with you. That should make you feel a bit better. So, now it is time to repair the rift. I see that as the issue here, rather than your wish for her to come live at home. I don’t see why she must live at home and I think your focus should be on the relationship and not her coming to live at home again. She is old enough to live independently while attending college if she chooses. I see that as a non-issue, though in many of your posts you write how you want her to come live at home. Living at home may not be in her best interests. Having a relationship with you, however, is definitely in the best interests of all of you. Everyone is hurting here.</p>

<p>It sounds like a very negative incident occurred right before she left. There is upset on both sides, even if your D was in the wrong and behaved inappropriately. She likely can’t save face now. Of course, she should apologize if she did or said something really disrespectful. But I would not wait for her to make that move. I would reach out and say that you are so upset about the rift and want to come together in forgiveness and love. Life is too short. </p>

<p>You already know that anything can happen with a child as you have gone through that with your sick son in the past. I, too, had a child we could have lost who was very injured (ICU) in a car accident, who luckily survived and eventually was healed. </p>

<p>Your D’s boyfriend is saying your D really does want you in her life. Please make that move first…ask to have a meeting…tell her your thoughts in a letter…deliver it via the BF or your sons…and if she wants a third party at the meeting, that is welcome. Make sure she knows you do not hold anger and want to move on. She must sense you are angry with her, yet really does want you in her life. Please make that first move of forgiveness and healing of this rift. You’ll feel so much better I think. You still sound angry at your D and want her to reach out and apologize first.</p>

510

<p>M3- Despite all the turmoil, your family seems to be loving, healthy and solid. You are doing the right thing, IMO, going to therapy and keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter through her boyfriend and brothers. They may be the bridge that brings your daughter home eventually, if not to your house, at least to your hearts. Stay solid in your knowledge of the truth of your family and your love for each other and hold down the home front. You may have the opportunity to reach out to her in a way that she will take your hand, but time may be what she needs to grow and realize and forgive herself. </p>

<p>You have been so fortunate with your sons and I hope it will always be that way for them. I have a son who never gave us a second of worry until he went away to college and decided he was all grown up and did not have to listen to us any more. He is somewhat estranged from the rest of the family right now and will be making his way home in a couple of weeks. I have had to learn how to let go (for real) and allow him to make the contact (almost none) and let him fend for himself. Alcohol and drugs are not an issue with him, although he is under the influence of his GF and her family. </p>

<p>For me, letting go is not only about giving up the control, but also about giving up the idea that I had about how things would be when my children grow up. It is unnerving not to know and I sometimes grow anxious about the original plan falling apart (that could still happen) but truly letting go, for me, means understanding that at this stage in his life, he has to figure it out. We know we laid a strong foundation as I think you have for your daughter. Stay strong. (((M3)))</p>

511

<p>If this incident was part of her mental health issues, maybe you could soften the stance on demanding an apology? I can understand not wanting her to live at home if she has crossed lines of behavior you will not accept.</p>

<p>But is doesn’t sound like she is going to change and become the daughter you’d like her to be, living in your house and under your rules.</p>

<p>If you want to maintain contact, and have her stay on course on terms of education and therapy, and be assured of her relative safety in the short term, that may mean helping her to live somewhere other than your home.</p>

<p>I am all for not rewarding negative behavior, but it sounds like she may not always be in control of herself? If she is merely being manipulative and pushing your buttons, than she should face the consequences of her actions. But if she has mental health issues, then this may just be symptoms of her disorder. Maybe you could discuss with your therapist what a reasonable response would be to someone with her disorder.</p>

<p>Your daughter may need more from you than your sons because of her issues. It may not be reasonable to be holding her to the same standards.</p>

512

<p>If D says that she is ready to come home, will you truly say “No, first you must apologize.”?</p>

<p>Is this apology a dealbreaker for you, such that you would be willing to be separated from D for the rest of your life if she refuses to apologize?</p>

513

<p>No, I would not say no but if we do not discuss what had happened first than we could not move forward. I would think if she attempts to come home it would be because she has recognized that she has done something that needs to be forgiven. She is my precious daughter but this requires a heartfelt apology to live together.</p>

<p>I see how my first reaction was a No but the reality is that if we are going to heal than she needs to use the words that enable me to let go of this.</p>

514

<p>Momma-three … this is written intending to help although I imagine it may not come across that way. </p>

<p>Your last post talks about MUST happen for you to move foward … what happens if your daughter is like you and also has things that MUST happen for her to move forward and the two MUSTs conflict. I would suggest thinking about what is the ultimate goal here … getting an apology or repairing the relationship with your daughter?</p>

<p>Personally, I moved forward in this area after reading an article about teens and the mistakes they make and how sometimes it is very hard for them to confront those mistakes and apologize for them or to admit they screwed up … that they wish the incident never happened and want to things to go on as if the incident never happened. The advice was if your child resists a lay it on the table discussion about what just went wrong to allow the relationship to slip back into normalcy without the confrontation … this allows your child to reestablish the relationship without losing face … and that the discussion of the previous incident will occur … but at a later date … when the relationship is in a much better place.</p>

<p>Again, I am hoping for the best for you and yoru daughter!</p>

515

<p>The actions of incident affected me personally and my well being…yes she needs to apologize.</p>

516

<p>I don’t know if your D’s therapist would be willing to act in this capacity, but it seems that some family counseling is definitely in order in addition to the individual. Sounds like your D did something pretty serious (I’m thinking she hit you or pushed you down stairs or something like that). Although her therapist can’t discuss their sessions with you, there is nothing stopping you from calling the therapist to tell him what happened and get an idea of whether or not he thinks the time is right for a joint session, either with him or someone else.</p>

517

<p>My brother has mental health issues. The last time I saw him was when I moved my frail, elderly mother out of her home and into the state where I live. I knew that this was likely the last time that I’d ever see my brother and that he’d see my mother because he doesn’t travel, and my mother’s health was not good enough to allow her to travel back to where she had lived.</p>

<p>I also knew that this was a time of great stress for my brother, and I tried to keep things as friendly as possible. Still, my mother and he got into an argument because she asked him why his mentally ill wife had called my mother a name the last time the wife had been over.</p>

<p>This ended up erupting into an argument with my brother’s calling my mother and me an unprintable name and threatening to kill us if we returned to the state.</p>

<p>I was angry and hurt and didn’t communicate with my brother for several months. However, I knew that my brother is mentally ill and my mother’s moving away from home was very stressful and frightening for him. Eventually, I reestablished contact with my brother, and continue to have a relationship with him, a relationship that over the years has become quite cordial especially since my brother finally has gotten on medications that help with his mental health problems.</p>

<p>My mother did the same, reestablishing contact with my brother.</p>

<p>If we had waited for an apology, my mother would have died without ever having communication with her son again. </p>

<p>My brother has never apologized, but that doesn’t matter to me. </p>

<p>OP, you have expressed the fear that your D might end up tragically dead like the son in the other thread. If that were to happen would you feel that you had done the right thing by holding onto your anger and hurt and waiting for your daughter to apologize?</p>

518

<p>Folks, this wasn’t name-calling.</p>

<p>M3, it might be best if you were to seek out the advice of your therapist or your family group about this, where you can safely share the details of the circumstances.</p>

519

<p>Whether it was name calling or the DD shot her, what people here are trying to say is that wanting a formal apology from an immature teenager with known mental illness will probably just result in the family not getting put back together. If M3 is loving and reaches out with forgiveness, she will probably get that apology in time.</p>

520

<p>My family can kind of relate to the “waiting for an apology” issue, and I would like to share. I told some of the details of this story before.</p>

<p>When my older sister left, she had threatened to murder my parents in their sleep (they had to put a lock on their bedroom door), and she had threatened to murder me and kidnap my younger sister. She had been taking my younger sister places in town and telling people she was her daughter. The reason she left to begin with was because she falsely accused my father of abuse, which went to court and everything for months and months, my parents lost a fortune paying for everything and my father has never been able to heal. </p>

<p>She left when she was 18, partly by free will, partly because she had to because of the trial. She moved very far away for college, but my parents decided they were willing to forgive her (for about the fourth time) and let her come back to visit us at Christmas. They welcomed her as if nothing had ever happened and were very pleased to meet the boyfriend. She left our Christmas gathering, went straight to the police station, and filed a false report of assault against my father. She claimed that when she tried to leave, my father wrenched her arm and refused to let her. We were in my grandmother’s small condo, we all knew it had not happened-- even the boyfriend. Her boyfriend later called my mother to apologize for taking her to the police station, saying he didn’t know what she had wanted to go for, and my mother believes my sister reached over and hung up the phone. </p>

<p>After 6 years of being pretty much excommunicated from the family for her behavior, she wrote my parents a letter apologizing, and we took her back again. I was present for the birth of her last two children, she is at every major family gathering, and though I don’t believe her relationship with my parents will ever truly heal we have welcomed her back. She and I have developed a pretty close relationship, even though things are still a bit rough given our history, and I think after the trauma our family has endured we have made great progress filling in the cracks she made. </p>

<p>It’s unfathomable to think you would let go of a family member over something so petty as an apology, but sometimes it’s more than just the words. Sometimes there are very good reasons to know that someone regrets having said or done something before you let them back into your life, even if they are your child. I have no idea what M3’s D did, but I do know that in our family situation that apology was completely necessary. The family could never have been put back together had that not happened, and while it’s very unfortunate we missed her wedding and everything, it was necessary. We needed to know that she was not going to do again what she had already done over and over again, after we had tried to forgive her and take her back several times. There are some situations in which a family cannot be put together without someone making the amends they owe first. Sometimes there are more things involved than pride and hurt feelings. If M3 says an apology is necessary, even after all the great points that have been brought up, I think we have to take her word for it. We have no idea what happened.</p>

<p>I wanted to share this story, because my parents have been accused of being awful parents time and time again for allowing my sister to be removed from the family for so long. But it just wasn’t safe to take her back until they knew she was truly remorseful. I don’t believe they had a choice. If M3 feels she has no choice I wouldn’t want people to think badly about her when we don’t even know what happened.</p>