<p>Sharing a passage with you:</p>
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<p>Interesting. She has been diagnosed with ADD, and she also doesn’t connect with others. Has she been evaluated for Aspergers? It’s often missed in girls.</p>
<p>Not, I suppose, that a new diagnosis would help the situation, except maybe it might help you understand what’s going on with her.</p>
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<p>Yes, and so you have some clear feedback that your daughter’s behavior has got nothing to do with you. This is some valuable information. She is the common denominator in all of those relationships and not you. Therefore, you can do nothing to change this.</p>
<p>What you can change, and Aibar’s post is fantastic, is to focus on you, your life and what you can do for you and your life.</p>
<p>Look, if you had the same relationship with others? I would say, you need to take a look at what you keep doing to recreate this situation in your life. But, the bottom line is that your D needs to take a look at what she keeps doing to recreate this situation in HER life. People who continue to repeat these cycles are often unwilling to change until they find they can no longer get what they want this way, and nobody is willing to “take care of them.”</p>
<p>Obviously she has some mental health issues, but she is still going to have to learn to manage her relationships with other people, regardless. Sad but true.</p>
<p>Co-dependent no more, although a book about what living with an active alcoholic will do to you and what to do ABOUT it, is useful. The same dynamic occurs in the parents of children and spouses of people with mental health issues.</p>
<p>Just a thought. Also, honestly, I just want to say that I hope she is capable enough of thinking about other people to have shown up with a gift and a hug for your husband on father’s day. If not, that will go a long way towards telling you if she has even the slightest capacity of taking other’s feelings into account.</p>
<p>If she did not show up. I’m terribly, terribly sorry for you and for her father.</p>
<p>Our daughter showed up with no card and not even a Happy Father’s Day. She took a shower ate dinner with all of us and said little about anything. She went upstairs a few times to gather some things that she wanted and left without a hug or a kiss. She is as cold as ice and informed us that she is taking the maximum amount in loans to cover her rent. She found a house being shared by four girls and they are looking for a fifth. She is prepared to take it tomorrow. I wish her the best but I kind of know the direction this is going. I asked her if she thanked her boyfriends parents for their hospitality and she said for what. I looked at her and said “are you kidding me” she said they have not done anything special. I just can’t believe that I raised this one.</p>
<p>My father kicked me out of the house when I was 17. I was lucky that my math teacher took me in. It was only later that I found out my mother gave money to my teacher from time to time to cover food and other incidentals. Mom-3, you may want to do that on your daughter’s behalf. Even though your dUghter is over 18, she maybe behaving a lot younger. I went back home after few months. I am hoping your daughter will do the same soon.</p>
<p>M-3, I am not a mental health professional, but it sounds like she may have issues other than the ADD - perhaps Narcissistic Personality Disorder? </p>
<p>It’s hard trying to deal with someone rationally whose view of reality is so different from yours. I know you are angry and hurt and blaming yourself, but it may just be that she is wired differently, and no amount of talking to her will make her see the world as you do.</p>
<p>I would definitely urge you to continue therapy for yourself, or seek out resources in the community. Maybe I am overstepping in giving my opinion, but it seems like there may be more going on here than you can really work out with her on your own. And these situations affect your whole family.</p>
<p>Good luck-</p>
<p>“She is as cold as ice and informed us that she is taking the maximum amount in loans to cover her rent.”</p>
<p>Quilt and manipulative behaviors. It is up to you to either accept the guilt trip or refuse it. I am still learning how to deal with this with two of my kids but now when I recognize the guilt trip I simply respond–You are trying to guilt/manipulate me and I’m not interested in going on that trip and I walk away. (While I am walking away I am repeating a mantra to myself–stay strong, stay strong, see the long picture)</p>
<p>“I asked her if she thanked her boyfriends parents for their hospitality and she said for what. I looked at her and said “are you kidding me” she said they have not done anything special.”</p>
<p>This is a perfect battle that you do not have to fight anymore. It is her decision to thank them or not–not yours. Let it go even if you think her behavior is rude.</p>
<p>What do we tell our kids to do when they are being bullied?</p>
<p>Ignore and walk away. If the bullying persists get a grownup involved. </p>
<p>She is bullying you. Ignore her when she shows up and is sullen at the table and dramatically makes trips up and down the stairs to get her stuff. Go run to the grocery store or walk around the block.</p>
<p>The grownup to get involved is a counselor. I like the book “Simple Changes” by Robert Wicks.</p>
<p>Pick your battles. You have enough issues with your DD, a grown woman, without asking her if she has minded her manners. In truth, I’m now thinking you are just looking for sympathy as more and more posters point out that many of the issues may be yours.</p>
<p>^reminds me of when a couple reports marital issues and each gives their perspective as the wounded party. each one really believes they have been wronged, and often does not see their own contribution to the conflict.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s very important to remember that we are hearing one side of the story. </p>
<p>IMO–the best advice we can give the OP is for her to continue to seek counseling for herself.</p>
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<p>What does your husband and sons think about all of this that is happening?</p>
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<p>Yes, it would be interesting to hear D’s report about the visit. I would think that she would consider it to have been a highly negative experience. I have bolded above what I take to be criticisms of D. There are quite a few. </p>
<p>It is hard to be open to change when one feels one is being attacked. When attacked, most defend, withdraw, or counterattack. Here, D no doubt feels attacked. </p>
<p>I feel that individual therapy could help momma-three view D with more acceptance and with less negativity. This could allow her to express her love for D in ways that can encourage D to be open to a closer relationship.</p>
<p>They are not surprised and expected nothing more from her. My husband just knows what she is like, and has said all year that she has been ungrateful. Our sons feel that she has alot of growing up to do. My husband is worried about her and feels like she will not make it on her own either financially, emotionally or academically. I hope that he is wrong and only time will tell.</p>
<p>Redroses…if you don’t mind me saying so…you have no idea what we as parents have done. If I wanted sympathy I would be crying to my husband. I was looking for suggestions. I received alot of wonderful advice but now I will stop posting because I am not welcoming attitudes like yours. I have gotten enough of that crap and I don’t need to hear yours.</p>
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<p>That post right there says it all. You are being immature by not posting anymore because somebody on the Internet said something you don’t like. I wonder where your daughter got that from?</p>
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<p>So this has been going on for the past year? What did she act like in prior years?</p>
<p>with all due respect mommathree, I recall offering input on another thread of yours just a month ago. You stated,</p>
<p>“My daughter has come such a long way emotionally and has grown up so much this past year. As many could recall this time last year she returned from her private University a mess. It has been a long year for her with so much accomplished on a personal level and academically. I am so proud of everything she has managed to do this year. I just don’t see the positive in such a relationship as it is right now and I guess I am concerned that it will take her back a few steps emotionally.”</p>
<p>You also noted;
“Yes, she is pretty open with me. As I said this past year has been a year of alot of growth and my daughter talks to me pretty openly. She is hurt that he made the “friends” thing so clear.”</p>
<p>in May you were concerned about a boyfriend issue…this was why I suggested keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter as it seemed she had made some real growth according to you…</p>
<p>Another passage:</p>
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<p>“Everyone has heard the expression, ‘what you sow is what you reap.’ Obviously if we want to create happiness in our lives, we must learn to sow the seeds of happiness. Therefore karma implies the action of conscious choice-making.” - Deepak Chopra</p>
<p>An expectation is only a premeditated resentment.</p>
<p>(#175)</p>
<p>It is immature to stop posting…??? Really, the OP has no obligation to a certain number of posts or a certain time frame during which she must post.</p>
<p>redroses’ post was certainly not the first to take issue with the OP. Posting or not posting when the thread ceases to be perceived as helpful is not an indication of maturity.</p>
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<p>If the mother can’t continue posting on here with people she doesn’t know, then how in the world can she communicate with her daughter if they don’t see eye to eye on things?</p>