Daughter just threw in the towel

Parent Cafe
181

<p>

</p>

<p>EPTR, but that really is my point. Yes, it is hard to not be so involved when your kid is living under your roof, ala high school years. I’m saying the D needs to be on her own like most kids her age where parents are not keeping tabs on every move or the moves of their kids’ significant other. </p>

<p>Momma-three, I understand that you have some blame for the boyfriend. But ultimately, your D is responsible for herself and her schoolwork and all that. I take it this boy is passing at his school and so he manages, even though he is in a relationship. The fact that the two of them visit often while in college should not stop someone from doing schoolwork. After all, many people are dating someone at their same college and see one another even more often than your D and her BF. My own kid has had a BF the entire time she was in college and since (not the same one this entire time but each was at least for a full year or more). She has never let a boy interfere with her ambitions. Her work comes first and she fits having a BF around that. So, I don’t know that I would blame having this BF as the reason your D doesn’t do schoolwork and so forth. </p>

<p>Now, as to the rest of your post above, you can’t keep quiet about certain things, no…such as her not wasting your money to attend school that she doesn’t do the work for or doesn’t finish and so on. That’s something you do have to get involved in whether she lives at home or away. But I"m saying that how often she sees her BF would not be something a parent of a college kid would ordinarily be privy to or get involved in. I certainly don’t know how many times my D saw her BF this week. However, if she were in high school and didn’t do any schoolwork all weekend because BF was in town visiting, I would intervene as to having to do schoolwork first before going out but I would not be involved in that level of supervision in college because my kids live away from home and have to be independent and learn to make their own way. I realize your D is at home but due to that, the level of supervision for her is similar, it sounds, to a high school kid, where you might have to lay down the law that homework is done before you go out sort of thing . College kids do their own time management and mom and dad are not around to know when they do schoolwork or not. </p>

<p>Now, if your kid is not doing the work, she should not be in college. This is an age where that level of parental supervision typically stops. If she is not motivated enough to do the work, don’t pay for college. I would not blame that on the BF. The fact that the BF visited for three weekends at the end of the semester and you think he should be back at his school studying is not something a parent would be involved in at this age, in my view. If they were at the same college, she’d see him every weekend and more. They might even sleep together every night (I did with my BF at her age, but I still did my schoolwork). Your D should have been able to manage seeing her BF and doing her schoolwork. If she can’t, it isnt’ cause of him but she may not be motivated to do the schoolwork in the first place and you say this is true about her overall. College may not be the thing for her right now. </p>

<p>I agree that she should be respectful to you. I agree she should complete each semester if you are paying for it. But if that is your expectation and she doesn’t do the work, stop paying. As far as respect, I think if you raise the bar as to what someone her age should be doing (either succeeding in college or out working and supporting herself and not living with the parents), then that partly takes care of it. Stop letting her take advantage of what you don’t want to do. But I also think if she did not live at home, it would lessen the degree of conflict. When you are around each other daily and she is a young adult, there is just more conflict between you. My younger daughter was disrespectful at times in high school (not the same issues as your D as she is very motivated with school) but once she left for college and lived far away, those conflicts lessened as our calls are mostly catching up on “news” and stuff and not dealing with day to day stuff. She is an independent young adult (she even left for college at 16). So, if your D is so challenging (and she does sound it, and I’m sorry), it will be easier for you if she doesn’t live at home and it will also force her to grow up. Does she even want to live at home? I can’t imagine her wanting to, frankly. Many kids that age do not want to, but even more so for your D as she is in constant conflict and it can’t be so fun to be around one another day in and day out.</p>

182

<p>OP,
Your D. seems to be immature for college. College requires very clear set of priorities and certain degree of appreciation for opportunity handed out on a silver platter. Talents alone will not work. Average person with high work ethic and clear priority list, who really appreciates his chances will be more successful.<br>
I feel sad for you and admire your patience. I probably would have pulled the plug much earlier. I would not force my child out of the house, but I would definitely not support her going back to college on my dime. However, every family is different and you should rely on your parent’s instinct more than advice from outsiders IMO.</p>

183

<p>momma-three, if you are willing to answer (you don’t have to of course)…do you know if your D even WANTS to live at home? I recall over the summer that you were upset that she wasn’t living at home and you were trying to get her to live at home. If she doesn’t want to live at home, this will be even easier as you are supporting what she wants anyway and can help her plan next steps.</p>

184

<p>Miami…She just turned 20 and yes she is very immature in my opinion. She has not developed a sense of cause and effect, and as a result she could blow school work off for weeks at a time and than play catch up. The stress this creates is huge and to give an example…She knew her computer was not working weeks before final exams. Yet she was so busy going out that she failed to get it fixed. She had the phone number of the guy we use but just never took care of it. Than final papers were due and she used our home computer which is located in the office where husband and I work (we are self employed). My husband was furious and I was a nervous wreck because we could not get anything done. She needed the computer at night after library hours but at the height of our business hours. We were completely thrown off and the tension was rising. Still she refused to stay home and take care of making the appointment and being here for the computer guy. She still has not done so and her paper intensive class begins right after the New Year (I guess she plans on using one of her brothers computers). </p>

<p>She has missed one therapy appointment that we were billed at the full non issurance price, and one psychiatrist appointment billed at the full price. We have $700.00 in bills for these two missed appointments that must be paid. Yes she will make the payment. She did the same thing with her winter class…paid a day late and had to pay $100.00 more for the class. Yet this is where things don’t make sense because she will never miss a day of work.</p>

185

<p>If she never misses a day of work, then it seems she is more tuned into work than school. While it is understandable that we all want our kids to get a college degree, your D may not be ready for that responsibility right now. She can always return to school. Working might be the best thing for her at this time.</p>

<p>Another thing about her living at home is that it doesn’t force her to be responsible as an adult. For example, if she is home, she can use your computers or rely on you for this or that. If she were away at school or living independently and working, she’d have to find a way to get her computer fixed as she’d be on her own. Being on her own will force her to grow up and take on more responsibilities. Right now, mom and dad are there and it is a more “high school” type of experience.</p>

<p>As an example, while I am not having this issue with my daughters, I bet if they were living at home, they would rely on us to take the computer to be fixed and those sorts of things. But since they live on their own, they might call to consult us for advice, but they go take care of these things as they HAVE to. One of my D’s has been in France and had to get her computer fixed very recently and called me from the shop there in fact. Other D recently had to get her phone replaced. If they were home, they might rely on us to take care of it but since they live on their own, they do all this themselves. Being on their own makes them take on adult responsibilities.</p>

186

<p>It is a good sign that she puts work high in priorities. Maybe she needs deeper appreciation of other opportunities that are paid for by you.
I keep telling my D. to use what she has today, she might not have it tomorrow.<br>
I have no complaints. However, at some point in my D’s college life, she felt under enormous stress and start questionning why she is doing that. I told her to imagine herself in a future seeing others who got over hurdle and have achieved what she could have pursued. I asked her to imagine how she would feel missing all the opportunities, giving up her own dreams, hard work and huge support from her parents. I believe that this execise has made some difference. However, my D. has always been operating under priority list since she can remember herself. She has always been very busy (since about 5 years old), she wanted to get engaged in everything. She was ready and adapted to college life faster because of that. As I mentioned, everybody is different and process of growing up is definitely is different from person to person and nobody is perfect either.</p>

187

<p>

</p>

<p>“I’m sorry, but you may not use our computer during business hours.”</p>

188

<p>I think your daughter should look into the military.</p>

<p>Air Force or Navy. It will give her a proper routine, discipline and a job.</p>

<p>It will also give her time to figure out what she wants in life and grow up. Plus, the travel and life experience may be what she needs.</p>

189

<p>When there is drama building, time to walk away. When there is drama on the phone, time to hang up. If she has you on speaker phone, definitely time to hang up. </p>

<p>My D2 went threw a stage where she pushed my buttons and displayed some of this behavior. Things would accelerate quickly. Counseling helped me to understand that I needed to walk away from it. And I started doing just that. If the phone call got ugly, I just hung up. I stopped totally from going “there.” I was determined that she would not push my buttons. Over time it worked. We also put D on a budget. We gave her a certain amount and if it did not last or she used gas money for clothes, that was that. There was no more. She matured and learned fast that it was now time to earn more of what she wanted. We gave her the money she NEEDED and she worked for what she wanted. And as she became a human being again, she realized we were not all that bad. And we became more generous as well with money for extras. </p>

<p>I grew tired of fighting, and when there was none, she grew up. </p>

<p>Her behavior became ugly. My behavior in response made me a monster. When I stopped engaging, she eventually improved dramatically.</p>

190

<p>BigEastBeast…Trust me the military would be a laughable idea for my daughter. There is nothing about her that would ever make that a plausible idea.</p>

191

<p>momma-three,</p>

<p>The point that that BigeastBEAST was trying to make is that your daughter desperately needs routine, discipline, and a job, as well as time to grow up and figure out what she wants.</p>

<p>She’s not getting that at home.</p>

<p>It’s painfully obvious to everyone reading this thread that your daughter wants space and freedom to grow up and mature. But you and your H are so stuck on her getting her 4 year degree that you’re holding her back from maturing and trying to make every decision for her. It’s not allowing her to grow, but you fear that she won’t accomplish yours or your husbands goals in life unless you take her of her every step of the way.</p>

192

<p>“My husband was furious and I was a nervous wreck because we could not get anything done.”</p>

<p>This is really something you can’t blame your D for. You allowed it to happen.</p>

193

<p>m-3, sunnyflorida makes some very good points. Sounds like you have tried everything in the book to positively influence her behavior, all that is left is to disengage. It sounds like you, H and your sons are at the end of your rope and she is taking you all down. I know H doesn’t want to “put her out”, so why not take sunnyflorida’s lead and give her enough $$ each month to sustain herself and no more. You will still worry about her, but not in a micro-manage kind of way. I’m sure you are just tired of seeing her make poor decisions. If she is out, you will not have to watch. I agree with above posters that this is not punishment, just time for her to move on. I hate losing my temper, I hate confrontation. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions/reactions. I usually choose to never let it get to that point by getting off the phone, leaving the room, etc.</p>

<p>Feel free to vent here - you need a place to express what you are feeling. Just try not to do so to her - I bet she already knows how you feel. You obviously love all your children very much. I wish you much peace.</p>

194

<p>I did mention early in the thread that I WANT to see her leave school. Our money is being thrown away as far as I am concerned. She wants to be a adult but she acts like a child. I think the best thing would be for her to leave school, get a job or many part time jobs and take the time to figure out her life. This situation is unproductive and she is going no where. I also do not want to know so much about her life but when she lives here, it is clear that I know when she is home, and not home. I agree that she needs to be her own person, but I don’t believe she really wants to go or she would have done it already. That is why I think she will move in with her boyfriend because than she has a safety net…can’t imagine how that would work for him once he figured out why she stayed with him.</p>

195

<p>Momma-three, your actions don’t match your words.</p>

<p>You are funding your daughters education. if you want to her to leave school, stop funding her education.</p>

<p>Pretty simple.</p>

<p>You say you have already paid tuition. That is sunk cost and you probably can’t do anything about that. But you don’t have to provide a place to live, buy books, supplies, room & board, transportation, insurance, a car. All of these things are things you are choosing to pay to support her going to school.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>She did last summer.</p>

196

<p>Momma-three – I hope that you and your husband can soon get some family counseling together. You both need to accept that you cannot control what your daughter does or does not do, but it sounds like you’re having trouble as a couple agreeing to cut the umbilical cord. I think that your daughter is going to have some rocky months after getting cut loose, and that you need to be strong and not fall back into your patterns of bailing her out. She needs to be out of your home and off your nickel. Then she has the chance to grow up.</p>

<p>I’m particularly sorry for your sons. It must be hell living in the house with all this going on.</p>

197

<p>“can’t imagine how that would work for him once he figured out why she stayed with him.”</p>

<p>Not your problem.</p>

198

<p>

</p>

<p>I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t even think about that! That’s her problem, and his, if they decide to co-habitate. They’re young and will make mistakes but they will figure it out and recover along the way…as we all did! There really is no substitute for personal experience. </p>

<p>I think the best way to approach the situation is with “Dad and I see that you’re not happy here and you clearly want to be free to live as you choose. You’re an adult now, so you have our blessing. We can loan you my car tomorrow afternoon if you need it to look at apartments.” I would avoid going with her at all costs - that would only be an opportunity for you or H to figure out the finances and try to make it work for her, yet again. Just be firm and cystal clear that she IS moving out and give her the “You’re an adult now and I’m sure you’ll be able to make the right decision (or sort things out if a plan has gone awry)”, when she tries to involve you in problems of her own making…she’s not genuinely looking for your advice/input anyway! It can be hard to clamp one’s jaw shut but I do this with mine and it really works wonders - it’s a little vote of confidence combined with total refusal to allow them to transfer responsibility to someone else (and they always figure it out and generally manage to learn something and gain a bit more confidence along the way).</p>

<p>Btw, the BF sounds like an obnoxious little jerk - perhaps having him tire of her would be a blessing in the long run!</p>

199

<p>Momma Three I am glad to hear you and your sons had a reasonable day out and about. I hope today finds other activities for you to enjoy together. With or without your D.</p>

<p>After Christmas, I would talk to the counselor, but then have a “family meeting” (all kids present, let the boys know what’s up ahead of time if you want). Here’s what Dad and I are planning for the coming year everyone: empty nest, no college funds, send a check once a month, no computers during business hours, no rescue money, no college tuition for students who don’t finish classes. Whatever the plan is… It’s not a plan about her, it’s a plan about how you and your DH are going to live for the coming year. The hard part will be sticking to it, but if you are committed and your sons help you stick to your guns, you can do this. It might make for some ugly, uncomfortable months, but right now, you are already uncomfortable, you are out a lot of money, and there is no end in sight.</p>

<p>I have no idea if your D wants to live at home or not, I have no idea if she wants to be in school or not. I don’t know her. But if it was my house and my money, those things wouldn’t happen without a considerable change in behavior…and it’s clear she doesn’t want to change. So it seems like it’s time for you to change the way you respond, it’s your only option.</p>

200

<p>OK, No offense intended here to all of those parents and others providing advice. But with a child with mental illness, all of this advice is worth about what you are paying for it. Momma, take a deep breath and enjoy your holidays with your family. And after that, sit down with your husband, perhaps with a counselor, come to a a mutual decision, and then hold a meeting with your daughter with a unified front. It is very unfortunate that your daughter is unwillling to use professional help. It saved my daughter’s life. But people with mental health problems are not able to live up to the same accountabilities of normal kids. You need help figuring out what IS reasonable. I had several meetings with a counselor on my own to get help in knowing what is reasonable and fair. They helped a LOT. Your sons know that their sister has problems. My son has never held the disruption his sister causes against her; nor has he held us responsible for the inequities in the household related toward the emotional and financial needs of his sister against us. His sister was sick. And he loved her. He knows that if he ever had a serious problem, his family would rally aroung him. That’s what family DOES. We have talked before. You know that I have hope for your daughter. I do think that she needs to recognize and get tired of being sick before she can get better. In our case, it took some pretty drastic and awfullly dark days for that to happen…but we didn’t force our daughter into dangerous circumstances to “make her grow up” Our daughter’s problems, and I suspect your daughter’s, are not the result of poor parenting, or her immaturity. Like you, I had one child who does quite well, but my daughter was not. People made all kinds of assumptions…she’s spoiled, she’s being controlled…yada, yada, yada. She is immature because she has problems. Counseling helped us understand that she had been traumatized by an abusive boyfriend, she had ADHD, huge anxiety issues, she developed an Eating Disorder. We always had a safe environment available for her, but it required that she stick with counseling, take her medication and live within the boundaries that we needed to preserve our sanity (she had to return cell calls within a specified time, she lived on a cash basis, etc.)
Today, my daughter is not quite where I thought she would have been, but she is content. She has friends, a super boyfriend (after a HORRIBLE one), attends Community College (we had some ups and downs too), she plans to transfer to a terrific state university next year with a 4.0 GPA (I can’t TELL you how many classes she dropped due to anxiety and perfectionism). She manages her money, drinks responsibly…I even just got a notice from our insurance company telling us that her improved driving record as resulted in her premiums dropping by 50%. Hooray! Don’t let other people try to make you believe that this child should be held to the same standards that other kids are. She’s not OK. What you are trying to navigate at this point is how to keep her safe until she accepts help…without driving youself crazy. BIG big hugs. I have SOOOOO been there!</p>