<p>momma-three…keep us updated and vent here if you need to. You can take whatever suggestions you read and discard those that do not feel meaningful to you. I still hope you consult a therapist about what’s going on to get some clarity on what to do. Also, we are all parents here and so while we have not had the same exact issues in our personal family lives, we can relate to being a parent and share from that perspective and some may apply to your case and some may not. As I said, it is easy for me to offer “advice” from the outside looking in. Then again, it is objective, along with what several others offer here, and those perspectives which are not close to the situation may also be helpful as we have no baggage involved.</p>
<p>M-3</p>
<p>It has been such an interesting process watching you grow and change over the past couple of years, in regard to your response to your daughter and her (also) changing issues. </p>
<p>What I like the best is that in every situation you take a look at what you CAN do and you do it, and then you assess what you need to do next. I think you have been far more effective in this than you might know, and I wanted to just point that out to you. </p>
<p>I’m impressed with how, as your daughter has gotten older, and you have seen no change in certain areas, you have decided to put the focus more on your own life. I really do appreciate your willingness to work this through out here in the open with all of us. You have probably “helped” more people in this way than you will ever know.</p>
<p>NOW: back to that trip to Hawaii we were talking about before the Christmas blizzard of '10! ;)</p>
<p>Momma3 - well I am so happy to hear there is ANOTHER son! One more verification of your worth as a mother when you begin to doubt yourself.</p>
<p>It seems pretty clear to me that your daughter is doing everything in her power to keep things as they are. She is probably terrified to lose your support (she will never tell you that) and is hoping she can scare your husband into allowing her to remain. Things will probably get worse before they get better. </p>
<p>M3 - I just want to remind you again that all you can ever really control is yourself. You clearly hanging on by a thread and you must take these steps to save yourself. There are no guarantees that these measures will cause your daughter to wise up, but allowing her to stay offers no assurances either.</p>
<p>No matter what happens, you cannot second guess yourself. You have done your absolute best to help her change and it has not happened. Your only option is to change yourself. </p>
<p>You are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
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<p>Wow. Just wow. Reading about these recent events, I literally got a little nauseated. I am so sorry you are going through this-I cannot imagine.</p>
<p>It seems very plausible to me to believe that your daughter has co-morbidities: ADHD alongside a personality disorder or emotional problem. I am a nurse, not a mental health professional-but in medicine, a person can have hypertension as well as diabetes. People are rarely one dimensional in their pathology.</p>
<p>In any case, all I can really offer is good wishes. Keep us posted on your daughter’s (and your) well being.</p>
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<p>This is often the case whenever a parent makes a substantial change in their parenting or discipline plan.</p>
<p>Well, it is nauseating that the D has this kind of sense of entitlement that the parents owe her these things. They don’t. Her attitude and disrespect are really poor. </p>
<p>On the other hand, I do think the parents should support the basic living expenses while she is in school (tuition, room and board) because they were willing to do so when she lived at home and also when she went to a LAC (not to mention they do so, I believe, for their three sons). It isn’t because she is entitled to that but that was the plan for her college years. Unless she is flunking out, I think they should support her. I don’t think they should support her if she is not in school. And I don’t think they should pay for school if she fails (but she isn’t yet). I think the parents had been holding over her head that she needs to live at home (this was last summer) or else they will not pay. </p>
<p>In my view, they should be supportive of her living outside the home as that is in her best interests, not to mention best for the whole family. Taking away financial support at the same time as asking her to leave the home is sort of working at odds with the objective. </p>
<p>I very much abhor the D’s “demands” and attitude. But I do think the parents should pay while she is in school. The idea is to help her move onto adulthood and to be out on her own. If she is not in school, she can support herself. If she is in school and passing with decent grades, the parents should continue to support her as they were when she lived at home. It is hard to say go live on your own for college but we won’t help you to do that. Taking away financial support is punitive. I think the idea here is to get her out on her own which is what she needs to do. This is on top of the fact that her behavior is untenable and should not be tolerated to this degree. Let her become independent like college kids need to do. She will either rise to it or fail but she is not doing well at home and it is not a good situation there. If they remove financial support, she will fail on her own in attending school and being able to afford that.</p>
<p>Just my view. </p>
<p>(D should be responsible for the cost of all missed therapy appointments)</p>
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<p>It’s horrifying, quite frankly.</p>
<p>M-3 I am so very sorry you are going through this. Stand strong, it will be best in the long run.</p>
<p>I strongly encourage you to call the insurance company on Monday for the umbrella policy suggested by teriwit. It could save YOUR financial lives. If you are allowing D to take “her” car, than sign that pink slip over and file the paperwork on Monday, too (in some states you can do this at the AAA office if you are members–might be worth joining just to have less hassle.) You do not need the liability if your D allows someone to drive that car after drinking, or if she drives it while angry. Pay the insurance for the first quarter, or whatever you are comfortable with, but get it out of your name if it’s leaving with your D. And do the umbrella policy since she is known to have additional keys, if it staying at your house.<br>
Once she’s out, consider changing the locks on the house. Only you can decide if this is appropriate, but at least consider it. Is there any real reason she will need access to the house if no one is home? I understand this is drastic, but think it over. (One of my Uncles had to do this…it was a tough decision, but the right one. No reason cousin couldn’t come over when people were home, lots of good reasons for him not to be there if no one was home.)</p>
<p>M-3</p>
<p>Stay strong girl. This is so hard. But it does get easier every day. Peace will come where chaos has been, and that will affirm your decision.</p>
<p>The information on umbrella policies is bang on. So either #1-Title the car to your daughter (which you may not be able to do and have her be on her own insurance because of cost, etc. AND if she owns the car, she can sell the car, which is a risk) or #2-Get the umbrella policy. They are really inexpensive and they can completely protect you if she does something stupid or is part of something stupid.</p>
<p>ahhh…Poetgirl…My husband and I have a big anniversary to celebrate this coming year so a trip is in the talking stages. We are considering a trip to Italy, or possibly the Galopagos Islands, or Tahiti. I have spent a few summers in Hawaii and love it but there is a big world out there so we might try something new. If anyone could think of a great adventure please feel free to recommend. We are both very active and enjoy the outdoors and moderate hiking, but I don’t enjoy the heat unless I am in the water. I think an adventure is more the direction we are considering but Tahiti sounds wonderful too. We would go before my two middle kids graduate and my son heads off for his job in the UE. I would also enjoy China but my husband prefers the other places mentioned for this trip.<br>
Anywhere we go would be glorious right now…we need the us time.</p>
<p>^^^^^DH and I took a trip to Tahiti, Bora Bora, and Moorea. Best <em>alone</em> trip we’ve ever taken.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, momma-three. Best wishes for the coming months of 2011.</p>
<p>A trip - Something fun to think about for a change!</p>
<p>I hope you are doing okay tonight. Can’t stop thinking about you and checking in here to see how you are.</p>
<p>How is your hubby doing?</p>
<p>I just read this thread. M-3 you have been through a lot but it sounds like you are finding your way. Good luck to you and stay strong!</p>
<p>I know several people who have gone to the Galapagos and absolutely loved it! That sounds like a wonderful destination vacation!! It is time for you and your husband to have the two of you be each other’s priorities. And like that, I am glad to see that this thread is back to being about you and your family. Stay strong!!</p>
<p>Hate to put a damper on the trip prospects, but kids like this know how to ruin vacations. Wait until things stabilize one way or another.</p>
<p>MofWC - I wrote something similar, but decided not to post. Sounded so negative. Actually, my advice was not to tell darling D until day before. </p>
<p>Momma3 - just so you know. My advice is based on 30 years as school psychologist, working in a variety of settings and with lots of young adults AND as someone with unrecognized ADD and a major problem from 18-mid twenties. It is either thru the grace of God or dumb luck that I survived. Truly, I am not exaggerating.</p>
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<p>Plans change. A lot has changed since she got into college. I’m not suggesting they should not pay for school. I don’t have a strong opinion on it, however, if they do, they should do it with the understanding that she might blow it off and that the money may end up being wasted. I don’t think I would pay for school without meeting with her and the therapist and discussing the whole issue. My husband and I consider paying for college to be a pretty big deal. We expect that in exchange our kids will work hard, go to class and that they will treat us with respect, etc. That may not be a realistic expectation here, but I think the parents need to meet as a family and discuss expectations and also discuss if the daughter should be in school at this time and if she wants to be in school at this time.</p>
<p>momma-three, Just wanted to add my voice to the others in encouraging you to stand firm. You are truly between a rock and a hard place, and as much as we mothers never want to give up (and sometimes I think mothers are the truest of die-hard optimists), sometimes it’s OK to finally put your needs first. Whatever is causing your D to treat you this way, whatever it’s labeled, the bottom line is that she is abusive. In a way, letting go is itself a loving act of faith, towards not only your D but yourself. Your D’s behavior sounds like that of a terrified child on an extended jag. Nothing short of a shock is likely to get her out of that rut. And unfortunately, it seems that delivering that shock (locking her out of your lives) is up to you and your H. Of course, there are no guarantees, but then, that is no longer your role or responsibility as her mother. You have done what you can, and you will no doubt do more. But as one mother to another, I would not judge you for giving up. (And if I knew it would make any difference, I would give you “permission”)</p>
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<p>I totally agree and this goes back to hundreds of posts ago on this thread. This needs to come first. My recent posts today are about IF the D goes to school next semester (and that is determined between all parties involved), then I think parents should pay if she gets decent grades and earns full credits (which it sounds like she did this past semester after all). That is all I meant. I am not sure the D should be in college, however, as she doesn’t seem real into it based on what the mom says about that. A break from college is what I originally recommended but then found out the D truly did earn the full credits with very respectable grades and so perhaps she might continue. That needs to have a full set of expectations, perhaps even a written contract. A third party should be involved, such as a counselor. But if it is determined she will attend based on certain parameters and expectations, I just don’t think the parents should pull the funding for tuition, room, and board, as the idea here is for D to succeed living on her own and not setting that up to fail. If she doesn’t go to school, she most definitely should pay her own expenses. But, yes, the decision and expectations surrounding if she even attends school next semester needs to come first before the funding issue itself.</p>