<p>Blankmind - Your statement in #436 was unnecessary.</p>
<p>I don’t honestly think it is all that appropriate to keep tabs on a young adult who is in college. It is very appropriate for someone still in high school. Here is an example…</p>
<p>m-3 says that last semester, her D’s boyfriend came to visit for the weekend prior to finals and she did not approve of that. If my kid was still in HIGH SCHOOL, I surely would say she had to stay in for the weekend to prepare for finals (my kids would do that anyway but I understand that m-3’s D would not). I would set the rules and that would be that. However, with daughters in college (mine were away at school in other states), I would have no idea if they chose to spend the weekend with their boyfriend prior to finals. That is their business as they are young adults and independent and it doesn’t matter if I think they should make that choice or not. However, as the one paying for college, I can set a standard if I so choose (again, I didn’t have to do this for my kids who are highly motivated learners and want to do well in school), and can set a limit that I will only pay for college if X GPA is attained and all credits are earned each semester. Then, what D does in her free time is not my business as long as she is meeting that criteria for me to pay for her education. In m-3’s D’s case, she has very respectable grades. Had she not been living at home, the parents would not be privy that she had spent a weekend hanging out with the BF prior to finals. Her young adult life would be hers to manage and to make her own choices, knowing full well that if she doesn’t pass her courses, earn credit, obtain a certain GPA, the parents will pull the funding. But the parents would not be keeping tabs on her every move but just on the general boundaries (ie., we pay for X, if you do Y). The rest are her own decisions to make and she also has to learn responsibility by having the responsibility on her and not the level of supervision that parents have in K-12. She may do some dumb things or make poor decisions but as a young adult, she needs that independence to grow up and learn natural consequences for those decisions and not have parents micromanaging every facet of her life. That was fine for the K-12 years but not really now as an adult. Right now, the D is not being forced to take any responsibility or to grow up and is being kept in “high school mode.” They will not see much change in D until she is forced to face adulthood and to learn to manage her daily life. She doesn’t appear to have a severe mental illness as she holds down a job, etc. and gets good grades and so she should be able to rise to the occasion of living on her own. It won’t be easy at first and she’ll make many mistakes, but she’ll learn and grow by having to do so.</p>
<p>“Luckily, a random doctor and his wife found her on a side of the road and persuaded her to go back to rehab.”</p>
<p>I hope he had a good roadside manner.</p>
<p>blankmind…I as her mother may think that, but you my dear should not say it.</p>
<p>You go, girl!</p>
<p>Momma3 you have not lost your spunk. Hugs.</p>
<p>M-3, you are nothing if not gracious.</p>
<p>Well, sorry guys, but one of my d’s current roommates sounds a lot like this. They all wish she would move out, but they have to stick it out til June.</p>
<p>momma-three,
Take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I clicked on this post thinking it might have something to do with throwing in the towel about going to college or staying in college - but it’s a lot more than that. I didn’t go back to read what exactly happened with your D’s LAC, and I didn’t quite understand what happened over the summer that required your D to apologize. </p>
<p>What I do hear in many of your posts is that you are very triggered by your daughter’s actions and words. I too, went through a similar period with my own daughter. The thing that helped me the most was: 1) to learn to take responsibility for reacting to the crap; and, 2) to learn to take care of myself.</p>
<p>It took me a long time to realize that to be compassionate toward my daughter, I first had to be compassionate toward myself, otherwise the cycle continues. There is a book you might find helpful, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.</p>
<p>I found that some of the issues that were actually my own would come out during my interactions with my daughter. For example, I have a huge issue with lying that has nothing to do with my daughter, so when I would catch her in a lie I would completely overreact. It was important for me to learn how to detach - almost like I’m watching the event play out. </p>
<p>I often say to myself, “What would a confident, generous, compassionate mom do right now?” When I feel myself becoming desperate about a situation, or desperate that my daughter see things a certain way, I know then it is probably my issue, and not hers.</p>
<p>I took a parenting class some years ago, before I had teens and I remember the instructor saying over and over again - ask yourself, “Who’s problem is this?” If it is yours, then do something about it; if it is not, then the only thing to do is ask your child how you can help. (Of course an exception to this would be if the child is in some kind of danger - drugs etc.) </p>
<p>Your daughter reminds me of myself when I was a teen, and into my 20s. I was very disrespectful toward my parents, especially my mother. Looking back I can see now that I felt very unloved. My mother used to tell me I was nasty and self-centered. Even without the words, I think kids can sense how a parent feels and it has a very, very powerful impact. </p>
<p>I always wished my mom would just come to me and try to work things out. She probably would have had to do it more than once, because the first, maybe second, maybe even third time, I would have just bitten her head off - I think trying to save face. But she never did. And we never had a good relationship. We got along ok once I hit my mid-20s or so, but we were never close. She died three years ago.</p>
<p>momma-three, as a mother of two grown daughters we went through our share of up and downs that I never thought we would overcome. Difficult times that are too personal to post here, but suffice to say, I can promise you this too shall pass.</p>
<p>Your daughter actions scream for attention.
To me it seems that since she does this when her boyfriend is going to be in town points to the fact that she thinks being with him and sacrificing her education is worth the consequences.
2. She is testing the limits with irrational behavior. I too use to have the tendency to sabotage myself when I got anywhere near success. </p>
<p>3.If she can accomplish so much without really stressing herself maybe she is not being academically challenged enough and is possibly bored, and too, she maybe doing it because she thinks that is what you guys want, and not what she wants.</p>
<ol>
<li>It is hard to disappoint our parents, even if it means living out our dreams. As a parent none of my grown children graduated from high school let alone college, but today they are happy adults with successful businesses. They are well adjusted and actively live spiritually driven lives. </li>
</ol>
<p>So keep the faith, pray without ceasing. If you don’t pray or believe in it, then meditation where you consistently hold your daughter in the center being a success, but first you must let go of the hurt, anger and especially any un-forgiveness you hold against your daughter or yourself for not being the supposedly perfect parent.</p>
<p>Congratulate yourself and her father for raising what sounds like a brilliant daughter. Ask her what does she wants, and be willing to accept her answer even if you don’t agree.</p>
<p>I am praying for you, your husband and your family.</p>
<p>missme2…Thankyou for your heartwarming post. I have reread it many times over and it struck a chord that I have not let go of the hurt and if I can’t let go than neither will my daughter. Even if my daughter does not know through my words in a direct way, she is probably picking up on the fact that I have not put what has been done in the past and that I want to move on with forgiveness and love. You remind me of my brother who believes in the importance and necessity of unconditional love and forgiveness to heal ourselves and our relationships. You are right, and I was raised to believe the same…sometimes I forget the most valuble lessons I grew up with. Thankyou for the reminder and many blessings to you for posting.</p>
<p>You have brought up points about not being challenged that were very interesting and that I too considered. It is a possibility but it should not be a reason for her to sabotage herself. I hope that she will figure out why she does this so that she could live her life in the way she says she wants to, but most of all I hope she will one day know that she is forever my daughter and that I love her with all of my heart.</p>
<p>I agree, missmees is a compelling story. But how does an older adult with 2 grown kids who didnt finish HS, not to mention college, happen to post, as a new poster with one post, on CC ?? Looking into schools for grandkids?</p>
<p>^I would like to think that perhaps she is a poster who would like to remain anonymous or she has been a long time lurker but has not posted until now. Basically it really doesn’t matter because her message is warm and welcomed.</p>
<p>momma-three, I do worry a bit that since you are justifiably upset with the things your D does and her behavior, that she is thinking of herself as the black sheep and that you don’t like her and all that. I’m not saying to accept poor behavior, believe me. (though I do think you may need to accept the kind of student she is) But I think it might help when you sit down with her and your husband to actually say aloud how much you love her (and you do) and only want the best for her (and you do) and that while some of her behaviors have been upsetting, that you are trying to support and help her. Then, lead into the plans to have her live on her own because you love her and want her to grow in independence and transition into adult life. Make it a positive because you care about her. Don’t condone her past behaviors but make sure she knows that she is loved and cared for and that these plans are meant to support her growth, and are not punitive. You can mention that you are not angry at her but have been disappointed by certain behaviors, but love her anyway and are hoping that she work toward stopping some of these behaviors. Tell her you are always there for her. Then explain the plans and limits and outline them in writing and create a timeline for this transition. There has been so much conflict and turmoil that your D is likely not feeling too good herself these days about her relationship with you and about her own self. She hears the negative stuff and might need this message now.</p>
<p>
Perhaps. Its just very curious. Maybe there are other kids in the family who did or are going to attend college. Maybe. Still… curious</p>
<p>^Jym You lost me. What does the last sentence mean?</p>
<p>^sooz…I have always tried to make her know that we appreciate her for who she is, and I don’t believe any of us have ever made her feel like she was the “blacksheep” however she may have felt that all along.</p>
<p>Momma-three, I don’t mean to say you made her feel like a blacksheep but she might be feeling it anyway since there is a lot of conflict and she has messed up in some ways that has upset her parents often. I think the moving out scenario plan should be tied to being a supportive move to help her transition into adulthood and not come across as “we’ve had it with you”…and I’m saying you might have to go out of your way to verbalize this as she may be feeling bad about herself, even if that was never your intentions.</p>
<p>I’m not jym and can’t speak for her but it appears she found it unusual that a brand new member to CC registered and joined in the middle of a long thread, and mentions that her own kids did not attend college or finish high school and it seemed atypical for a parent to find CC initially who is not dealing in any way with college with their kids, but perhaps the member has younger kids not mentioned in her post. In any case, welcome to CC missmee2 and thanks for sharing your story.</p>
<p>Thanks soozie, for clarifying my post for me. </p>
<p>With respect to getting m3’s dau moving, this may sound odd, but at this point it might be better not to talk about feelings/emotions, good or bad. I would steer clear of words like disappointed, proud, love, forgiveness, hurt, anger, upset, hope, etc and instead take a business-like approach. Its almost like having to fire someone. You listen, you acknowledge /understand their feelings, but you don’t get caught up in the affect. Stick with the plan, the rules, and try to steer clear of the drama.</p>
<p>When is this supposed to happen, m3?</p>
<p>That is good advice. </p>
<p>I just would not want the move to be seen as punitive, but rather as a helpful, positive, supportive decision to transition into independent college living, after the period of time she was living at home (after the LAC).</p>
<p>In other words, she is not being kicked out of the home but is being supported to move to the next step of college life after her period at home and it is time to take this next step.</p>
<p>M3’s dau will probably feel, no matter how sweet and supportive m3 sounds, like she is being punished and being kicked out of the house. It won’t matter what m3 says, so the less said the better. Another of my platitudes is: If the daughter wants to box, m3 needs to stay out of the ring. Dau can shadow box. M3 needs to not get in the ring with her.</p>
<p>Remember – m3 cannot change her daughter-- she can only change how she reacts/responds to her.</p>