<p>I am truly sorry this happened to your daughter, I am glad everyone is ok. That said, I will repeat one of my many platitudes-- that if someone has an eating disorder, it doesnt matter what food it on their plate. Your daughter has been demonstrating lots of examples of poor judgement, and this (rushing late to school, texting or whatever she was doing) is just one more example, and now whe has a big consequence to deal with. If she is making bad decisions, she needs not to be driving a car. Sorry. She is lucky. It could have been a lot worse. And, sorry to be Debbie Downer right now, but in addition to your auto insurance going up, be prepared for the possibility that the other person will sue you for damages. He/she might develop symptoms later (headaches, muscle aches, PTSD, you name it) and you, as the insured and owner of the car, will be responsible. Lost wages (if the driver misses work), diminished value of the car, etc. THe opther person’s insurance is not responsible if the accident is your daughters fault. </p>
<p>BTW-- forgot to mention, since the consequences are in large part yours, as owner of the car and the insurance, you have a right to demand any info you need to mitigate your claim. If she tries to refuse the drug screen, I would let her know you are not giving her a choice in this matter. She agrees, or you offer to drop her at the nearest homeless shelter if need be.</p>
<p>I am being a bit blunt at a tough time. I realize it. But this is a <em>serious</em> wake-up call. Hopefully she will have community service, required drivers safety classes, etc and maybe even a hefty fine to deal with in conjunction with her tickets. The traffic court judges take this VERY seriously, and they do not like the drivers or their parents minimizing or justifying anything (not saying you are at all-- just warning you). I totally agree with everyone above. Forget the in-home drug screen. If you are picking her up after school, find out NOW where you can take her (free standing lab/clinic, ER, wherever) and take her there for a “chain of custody” drug screen immediately after school. These kids know how to contaminate urine screens (drink lots of water, even drink pickle juice or get someone else to provide a urine sample they will hide in their purse). The longer you wait- the less reliable the results. Get the drug screen fro her safety and yoru peace of mind. So sorry you are dealing with all this.</p>
<p>m3, please consider this as an opportunity to let natural consequences occur. Rather than lecturing, yelling, criticizing, accusing (not saying you would, but that’s what most of us might feel like doing), you can be sympathetic and supportive… “that must have been so frightening…” “that’s really going to be tough for you to manage without a car…” Then,… don’t rescue… If she asks you to help her figure this out, agree to brainstorm with her (just like you would an adult friend!).
Cross posted with jvm…
I’m assuming that she, as an adult, would need to agree to the drug screen. I would consider that as a requirement before driving any car that you own.</p>
<p>Yes, theoretically, she, as an adult, has to agree to the drug screeh. But what choice should m3 give her. None. And if she refuses, thats pretty incriminating. The choice to m3 dau is do the drug screen or tell me where you want me to drop you off. Sorry, but this is the time to be FIRM. Supportive, but FIRM.</p>
<p>I feel weird saying this and I am not a lawyer, but is it smart to take her for a drug test the day of the accident if there is a possibility of a lawsuit? Wouldn’t that get disclosed? Wouldn’t the parents taking her for a test make it seem like they knew there might be a problem and let her drive, etc.? It makes a whole lot of sense to get her tested, I agree. But it might make some sense to get some legal advice before doing so.</p>
<p>If she was driving under the influence, insurance may not cover her actions. See your policy for details.</p>
<p>But the drug test will show past history of drug use and not necessarily that she was under the influence. More than likely she was not, but it may have been the case that she used drugs in the past and that will show in the drug test.</p>
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<p>Momma-three’s insurance should cover these costs.</p>
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<p>Momma-three never once said the other persons insurance would cover the cost. She said her insurance would cover the cost of the other drivers vehicle.</p>
<p>IMO, the law suit could happen anyway and the fault is already clearly the daughters. That is not in dispute, I don’t think. I am not a lawyer either, but this is, IMO, not the time to worry about the lawsuit, but it is HIGH TIME to deal with the daughter. Also, when they get to traffic court, the judge will see tha the parents took this SERIOUSLY and had her screened immediately. They will probably take that into consideration in a positive way, as the parents are not trying to minimize the issue but are tackling it head on. Don’t believe she could get a DUI charge at this point if that wasnt issued at the time of the accident. Again, I am not an attorney - I am speaking as a mental health care provider. This is the time to ACT.</p>
<p>The accident is the daughters fault and the liability is not going to change with regards to the drug testing. </p>
<p>yes, she needs to consent. But who would let their daughter get behind the wheel of another of the family’s car without first agreeing to testing. You can stop at any walk-in clinic and request a general drug screen on urine. And if you do NOT go to the ER or your regular doctor, the results will not be available to anyone without your disclosing them. No one would even know that they were performed. You can have it done, ask that you be self pay and not have insurance be billed. Obviously if they are negative, you can show them to whomever you want. </p>
<p>This needs to be done. You need to know one way or the other. If she refuses, you KNOW THE ANSWER. Your daughter’s and others’ lives are at stake.</p>
<p>Jasmom…I have done alot of venting on this board so I guess my tone sounds very harsh to many, however I don’t believe that I have either made excuses for my daughters behavior or have been critical to her. I state things in a factual way when I address situations. I will admit that I need to work on forgiveness but I also realize that to forgive I need to heal and feel that my daughter is sorry. That may not be the true act of forgiveness which is why I know I have some work to do…I am not a saint.</p>
<p>babyontheway-
Soemone else said something about the other drivers insurance. It wasnt m-3. Yes M-3’s insurance should cover auto damages and medicals, but (a) we dont know the limits of her coverage and (b) the other driver could sue above policy limits.</p>
<p>I understand the need to check to see if D is abusing drugs or alcohol, but my gut reaction is that was not the cause of this accident. The accident was in the morning after she got up to go to school. She likely wasn’t using anything first thing in the morning and being at her parents’ house prior to school. Of course I could be wrong. It could have been poor judgement (she has a history of poor judgement), using her phone (she has a history of an extreme number of texts per day), or simply an accident. But it sounds like she was at fault. </p>
<p>She’ll now have to deal with the consequence of paying for the tickets and solving her transportation problem. I think living in a dorm would be good as she could walk to classes. As far as transportation to work, if she can’t use public transportation for that route, she has to find a job on campus or in walking distance from campus.</p>
<p>Ah, I may have misread m2’s “there is insurance to cover the other car” as if it meant the other insurance would cover the other car. Thats not the case.</p>
<p>babyontheway- What happened to your post about the distance you travel to work and the number of people who ride bikes long distances to work? It was, IMO, a helpful post.</p>
<p>I am 99% sure she is not using drugs and she was definately not on anything this morning. I can’t say for sure if she has used pot in the past couple of weeks but anything more than that is not happening. She would never be able to get away with drug use around my husband or myself. She has in the past been drug tested…always neg except for her adderal and a couple times pot did show up. </p>
<p>jym…I thought I replied to babyontheway’s post…The distance to school is too far for her to travel by bike. Public transportation to her school is basically not a possibility…we live in a part of suburbia that would make it almost impossible. Later today we discuss her options.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t you like to be 100% sure? Might be a good idea to reread MOWC’s and sunnyflorida’s posts above. There are some drugs that stay in the system longer than others. Regardless, you make the decision and you start driving this ship. Please.</p>
<p>** Add: I am very hopeful you are right and drug use is not an additional contributory factor. But it would only be part of a bigger picture, not the whole explanation for all the challenges you have had these many months.</p>
<p>Ok, I’ll post it again here. Sometimes I think my posts sound a bit harsh and I delete them after I post them.</p>
<p>I use public transportation to get to my job. My job is 52 miles from my house. It’s difficult but I do it.</p>
<p>We also have people who ride their bikes 20 miles to get to and from work each day. They consider it part of their workout, and do it for the exercise.</p>
<p>I also know the accident is her fault and we are liable for all damages. I would have never thought otherwise. The man was not injured…sure he might develop an injury but if that is the case it is not life threatening. Our insurance shoul cover all damages brought forth… I hope.</p>
<p>Whose problem is the fact that she no longer have a car? Hers, and hers alone.</p>
<p>Let her figure out how to get to school and work. Or if she doesn’t really care about school and work, let her drop out and figure out a different plan.</p>
<p>If she wants to get to school and work, she will figure out options.</p>
<p>But if she lets you bail her out again, she will continue to stir trouble.</p>
<p>And no, it’s not too difficult to ride a bike or take public transportation to school. It may be further than what she is willing to do, but if I were in her shoes, I would make it work. Or move close to campus.</p>
<p>baby…They are not harsh and again thank you for your valuble contribution. I really do hear every post. I would love to see her ride a bike but I must admit that she might be in more danger riding a bike this path to school than in a car. There are no bike lanes and the traffic along the way is very heavy. It is the thought that came to my mind. It would be interesting seeing her bike that distance.She has trouble walking two miles…can’t keep up with her dear old mom.</p>
<p>Babnyontheway is right. Your DAUGHTER has to figure out HER transportation issues, housing issues, and options. Please stop rescuing her. I know how tempting it is in a time of crisis, but this is HER PROBLEM.</p>
<p>babyontheway, I think it is perfectly valid that m-3 says public transportation to the school is not an option given where they live (suburbia). I live in a rural area and public transportation is also not an option. As well, some distances are so far by bike with no true safe riding route (an interstate is not safe for bike riding) or it is winter, that it may not be an option. </p>
<p>The D was set to move out of the home anyway. As I wrote, living on campus might be a good option that doesn’t require a car. The car is wrecked and there may not be money to replace it (or D may have to) and the parents may not wish to give D driving privileges for a while.</p>
<p>Public transportation is a great option, if available. But not everyone has public transportation options. Where I live there is no public transportation - no bus, no train, nothing. </p>
<p>Hard to imagine for people who have always lived in places with public transportation options, but believe places without public transportation do exist. (Believe me, I was very surprised when I moved here. I am from England and didn’t ever even have a car there).</p>
<p>My son just moved to the East Coast for a new job and is loving that he can now go out for the evening and leave his car at home, have a drink and catch a cab or bus home.</p>