<p>I too grew up in the city and rode public transportation evrywhere…this situation is not possible where we live.</p>
<p>If you have no public transportation, then you can’t take public transportation. That’s pretty straight forward.</p>
<p>Momma-three, how many miles away is the nearest bus stop? How long will it take to ride the bus from the nearest stop to the university?</p>
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I suspect daughter is happy to let mom bail her out again. the pattern will continue, until mom stops bailing her out. Dau can move closer to school, find a ride with another commuter or call a cab and work more hours to pay for it. There are lots of people who lose their license who have to figure out transportation. Heck, maybe daughter can get into alanon or naranon (if appropriate) and find a sponsor or another attendee who will help with transportation. Maybe m3 can offer to drive for a day or so while dau figures out her living and transportation problems. But if THIS isnt enough to set a RULE AND STICK WITH IT, I dont know what will.</p>
<p>The college she is at may have transportation options that you/she doesn’t know about on their website. It is up to her to find that out though.</p>
<p>Remember, however, that before this accident happened, the plan was for D to move anyway. Now the plan to move can be tied to what will work for her in terms of transportation and so she may need to live on campus or in walking distance or biking distance to the school or where there is public transportation (if that exists near this school). So, how she gets there from her parents’ home is only a temporary issue…she was to move anyway and so the transportation issue will be tied to that plan.</p>
<p>I’ve been following this thread for a while now and I empathize with the difficult situation you face. A couple of things occur to me about this accident. Firstly, as shaken as you are about it I think your daughter will be even more so and it gives you an opportunity to “get on her side” which is essentially where I think you want to be. The authorities have taken over the “consequences” and the lack of transport is an issue which will have to be worked out. I think this is a challenge for her to figure out - her problem , not yours. This enables you to be there to be supportive but not rescuing. I don’t like the idea of having her drug-tested - it seems to me too confrontational and I think the police would have done it had they thought it an issue. It’s also the case that you haven’t heard her side and many young adults are distracted when driving. It’s an opportunity for you to let her know how relieved you are she’s OK (rather than how furious you are this happened).
Others have said this but I’d like to reiterate - you only have control of your own actions and it can be a real relief to recognize this. It seems there’s been a lot of talking but little communication. Sometimes I’ve found it more effective to use other forms of communication - a note slipped under her door saying something sweet or doing something together you both enjoy might help you get closer to a place where you can communicate again. I also wonder where your husband is in all this - are his interactions with her in general less fraught? Just a couple of thoughts …</p>
<p>Onetogo…great post.
Momma-three…DEEP sympathies. My daughter crashed my SUV into a house (yes, she did), and then had a couple of tickets, and another accident…aargh. We put her on her own policy to mitigate the risk, and we put her housing as close to campus as possible. She was drug tested after the SUV incident…no drugs. She hasn’t had as much as a parking ticket in the past two years. Drives like a grandma now. Just had her insurance dropped by half in cost. Hallelujah!! I like Soozie’s idea of close to campus housing or public transportation. No matter what the problem is here, your daughter could be putting someone at risk with her impulsiveness. SORRY!!! You need some peace. Soon!!</p>
<p>I agree with continuing the plans to find her her own place. Make that place close to the University and she will just have to find a job within walking/biking distance or on the busline if the U has one. She can get another car when she has saved enough from a job to pay for one and the single policy insurance that goes with it. </p>
<p>She needs to be aware of consequences and learn how to get herself out of her situation, She will learn to do so when she has to do so.</p>
<p>This simplifies the issues and takes away the problems of her driving.</p>
<p>^^Agree with all that sunnyflorida.</p>
<p>exactly, sunnyflorida. There are consequence to these behaviors, even if it was an accident. If she has to quit her job and find one closer to campus/new housing, that is unfortunate. But what is not appropriate is for her to have a chauffeur at this point. Sure, might be nice to have some mom-dau bonding time, but the honeymoon will fade. This should be a wake up call for everyone. The chaos has to stop. Instead it seems to be escalating…</p>
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Good point. Something it took me a while to learn.</p>
<p>Momma-three, I really feel for you. I have a family member I love dearly but have had some major issues with that just baffle me, and have for years. You do get really burned out and emotionally exhausted after years of dealing with all their “stuff”. I know my reaction when ever I hear of whatever my family member’s latest drama, or even a really minor thing that would not even be a blip on my radar with anyone else, is an internal (and probably rather whiny) “God, what now?” Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. But it took a long time for me to get here, and I have learned I really do have to be protective of myself where this person is concerned. Doesn’t stop it from hurting a lot though. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>My husband picked my daughter up at school and within 5 minutes of being in the house…hell broke loose. “She walked in told to shut the f up and that we will need to get her another car.” I had said nothing yet as I was in my office. She said she does not want to hear my mouth so my mouth is closed and I am leaving the house now. She could figure it out and if my husband offers to help her that will be his problem…he too will get a kick in the &%* after a few rounds of helping her out.</p>
<p>I have been following this thread and the situation just seems to be getting worse. What has the daughter said about the accident?</p>
<p>Somehow I had hoped that the daughter would be grateful that she didn’t kill the other driver, but I realize now after seeing momma-three’s latest post that I thought too soon. I hate to say this, but I see the possibility of jail time in this young lady’s future if the situation does not improve and she does something more serious than damaging someone else’s car. Just my opinion.</p>
<p>Obviously the problem with the daughter is not the OP’s fault as she and her husband have done a wonderful job raising three other kids to be respectful and responsible adults.</p>
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<p>This.</p>
<p>I thought this on another thread, which was when I first started to think alanon. Regardless, this girl acts like she is on drugs, whether or not she is, and she creates the same mess behind her everywhere she goes.</p>
<p>Good luck, M-3. Until you stop cleaning up these messes, I highly doubt they will end. I have to say your life with your daughter sounds utterly draining. I hope you can begin to live in the solution and not the problem soon.</p>
<p>I am not saying that the accident was the result of impaired ability due to drugs. I just think ALL the behaviors taken together point to a good chance of drug use/abuse. There are just too many signs. </p>
<p>It is correct that the other driver could easily claim injury and try to pop the limits of the insurance policy. It happens all the time. </p>
<p>It was a serious car accident (no one hurt, but could have been tragic) 7 years ago that pushed us over the edge in terms of taking drastic steps with our (then) struggling teen. We were in a similar cycle as M3 with the hand-wringing, suffering emotional and verbal abuse from the kid and searching for a solution. Since our kid was younger at the time, we had some choices, but they were not easy ones and they were not inexpensive.</p>
<p>Your D has major attitude problems. Her expectations and sense of entitlement and disrespect are over the top. You really need to be firm with the limits. </p>
<p>D was at fault in the accident. You do not have collision insurance. You may not wish for her to drive but in any case, can’t afford to replace the car. She can work to replace the car herself and the higher insurance premiums and court fines. She can move (she was gonna move anyway) to where she can walk or bike to college or live in a dorm and find a job that she can get to another way. </p>
<p>If you bail out everything for her, she learns no NATURAL consequences. Further, she should be apologizing for wrecking the car or at least be upset about it and not making demands and talking disrespectfully when she caused a big problem. If you give in to any of it, you are going to escalate the problems for yourselves. </p>
<p>Time for D to grow up and move out. Lots of college kids don’t have a car.</p>
<p>You may wish to show your husband the feedback here from many parents, if he is not on board.</p>
<p>You also could insist on a family counseling session or even just you and hubby going to get professional guidance in dealing with these problems with D.</p>
<p>Wow, M3 - that is disgraceful behavior on your daughter’s part. Your husband needs to start standing up for you and telling your daughter her behavior toward you is completely unacceptable.</p>
<p>She is never going to change as long as she can get away with it. By not saying anything, your husband is telling her that this is acceptable.</p>
<p>M3, I’m glad you left the house before blowing up, but I think it is important to take a stand. I hate to think that your daughter may be trying to divide and conquer when it comes to you and your husband, but it sounds like that is exactly what’s happening. I really think you and your husband need to sit down together and come up with a firm plan. Write everything down and then the two of you together should present the plan to your daughter. I can’t believe the gall she has in speaking to you the way she does and in her demands. If I were in your position, I would drop her from my insurance immediately and let her be responsible for finding somewhere close to campus to live. The last thing I would do is allow her to drive one of the family vehicles or assist her in purchasing a new one. How can she take responsibility for her actions if someone is there to pick her up and take care of her messes along the way? If you value your marriage, sit down NOW with your husband and agree to be a team when dealing with your daughter. Personally, I don’t believe either of you should speak with her individually … too easy to work one against the other. I can’t imagine being in this position and I’m sure it’s especially difficult for your DH since your daughter is “Daddy’s little girl”, but enabling her now does nothing but hurt her later. If your DH and you cannot agree, and your daughter is permitted (by him) to remain in the house, I think it’s a good time to show both of them that you can’t stay in that situation. If you leave for a couple of days, your husband will know you mean business. I could not and would not live in a house with a child who treated me that way.</p>
<p>As a total outsider, sort of watching this all unfold from afar, I have to say I am struck by the strong feeling that the time for plans has passed. It is now a time for action. The auto accident has precipitated her (and your) options. You want her out of the house. Move her. Don’t present her with a plan. There is nothing to discuss. Take action. And, I also would screen for drugs. But hugs to you and your H, M3.</p>