<p>^^^Agree with everything in post 580. </p>
<p>I think a big problem is that the husband is not on board with m-3 and this is some triangulating going on. m-3 talked about a plan for D to move out but now it is off the table, it seems, because H is not on board. If this is the case, she may have to insist she and H go to a counselor together.</p>
<p>Momma3, you are a strong and capable women. You have shouldered many responsibilities and gone through many a challenge. You have carried the weight of your dad, your extended family and your immediate family. </p>
<p>I totally understand the feeling of total disbelief that your D can act this way and treat you this way. </p>
<p>Take the time you need away from the house and the family. Stay strong. Stand up for what you think is the way your D needs to be handled. Your husband will come around. Or you will take a temporary respite at a friend’s home or local hotel. </p>
<p>May you find peace. And may you consider the serenity prayer. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.</p>
<p>Please try to just walk away. Do not let your D push your buttons. She knows you and “has you” until you walk away and just ignore. Just walk away and don’t fall for any more traps. Just get off the merry-go-round.</p>
<p>The thing that is hard to accept (especially for you H, it appears) is that you are actually harming your daughter by allowing this behavior towards you to continue. As hard as it is to break the pattern and cut her loose, it is the BEST thing for her, even if there are some short term struggles and adjustments. If this continues, she will use this same approach in future relationships and jobs, and it will be very destructive. It already is. My mother and stepfather enabled my brother for decades and sacrificed years and years of their own happiness and freedom while they engaged in a dance similar to what you are doing. Now he’s dead, and they never would understand that they were NOT helping him at all by what they were doing.</p>
<p>^^MOWC^^ so true. We had to move my mom out of california because she kept enabling my brother- a drug addict and alcoholic. We lost track of him for 10 years. We found him and just had him over for Christmas. he’s been clean and sober for 3 years. Attends AA meetings, keeps track of his appointments and has a life. All things that would never have happened if we didn’t change the scenario and react in the same way.</p>
<p>Granted M-3’s D isn’t a druggie (although I have reservations about this thought)… the situation is very similar. You have to be willing to make the tough decisions in order to see change.</p>
<p>Sending strength to you and your hubby M-3.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. Maybe it will take his personally dealing with D’s behavior to come to the same spot that M3 has finally come to. [Time to go to Hawaii by yourself and don’t call home for updates…]</p>
<p>MOWC - spoken from experience, I know, unfortunately.</p>
<p>momma-three - there are MANY very successful business women out there who are high-functioning, but are in abusive relationships. Don’t delude yourself into believing that because you are high-functioning and successful in so many other ways, that you are not playing the helpless victim here and that you aren’t the victim of abuse.</p>
<p>Also, you say in one sentence that you are willing to let go, but then you remind us all of your mother’s tireless attempts at saving your brother and how you look to her as your role model. I believe they are two conflicting statements. When and if your daughter decides she needs help and is willing to admit her problems, then you can be there for her.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s entirely the H that doesn’t want the D to move out.</p>
<p>Last summer, the D did move out and momma-three wanted her to move back in. She was very upset that her daughter wasn’t living at home.</p>
<p>I am not a martyr jsut responsible as any of you are. You go to work, take care of parents, kids, household. The added stuff is just what life throws in our path. I did’nt plan on having a sick son or cancer, and I did’nt plan on losing my sister so young. My husband losing a job and nearly losing a house unfortunately is happening alot outside the world of CC. My daughter is who she is and I have given it my best to get her set up on a healthy path. She is safe now and no longer a danger to herself. It is time to let go and I get that. My husband is another story and has a fear of letting her go after seeing how bad off she was. He just can’t get past it and rather than confront it by taking firm action he is passively allowing it to continue. </p>
<p>The martyr comment was not called for. If you have no clue that people do not always have a charmed life than you are dillusional. My life may seem charmed to on lookers but as I said I vent here because It helps to put my thoughts out and hear from others who are privy to me in real life.</p>
<p>I remember my husband saying he thought my sister was a martyre many years ago because she had so many issues both with her health and a miserable husband who passed away before her. His tune changed when his luck changed…there but for the grace of God go I. We did what we had to do…What is with the martyer comment? The person who said that needs to grow up and tune in to the reality of life. Parents get old, jobs are lost, kids get sick, drugs are abused. ect… The difference is the martyre enjoys the conflict and allows it to continue because it brings some sense of enjoyment that they are all powerful. I am not all powerful because I can’t control this or change it. I can take care of my dad, send my kids to college, start a business etc… Don’t confuse capable with martyre…big dam difference. I don’t lay down and die and say woe is me. I am blessed to have a good huband albeit a bit of a passive person in regard to our daughter. I respect that he has been a super dad and together we did a great job in most respects of our life. This area has been a difficult. </p>
<p>For the poster who has thought that either we or I have made our daughter feel like our sons are perfect because I said that they have not caused us any problems…you are dead wrong. Have you never known anyone who has terrific kids? I did’nt say my sons are perfect but they are kind and loving and have great morals and values. I hope you know other young adults like this. </p>
<p>We have never made our daughter feel anything but loved and supported. My daughter is sick and I am sure that once she is on her own her therapist will be better able to address the problems as she sees them arise in her adult life. I have discussed things with my daughter that were dangerous to her and problematic to her relationships when she returned from school. Should any parent keep quiet when their kid is doing things that are wrong…yes wrong. I would need to be dead to keep my mouth shut when it comes to being a parent. My daughter was still 18 when she came home from school and she was very vulerable and doing things that were shocking. </p>
<p>I have learned alot from every post on this thread and I thank everyone of you for your comments, but if I respond to a particular point that is made, I also that the right to do so. I am not a martyre and I am not single handling responsible for saving the family. We have succeeded in much of our life by doing it together…sometimes my husband had to take the lead and other times I have needed to take the lead. That is what marraige is all about. For the most part we are on the same page and that makes things easier but above all I am patient because I know he will join me in doing what is best…I need to give him that time…just as he needed it before when he was in denial. I have faith that he will come around. I also know that I will remove car parts if he buys a car… I will do it to protect myself and him from his moment of poor judgement that is a risk to us, daughter and others. If that makes me a martrye or a anything than so be it. I will do what is good for me and my husband until he can put the picture together for himself. He always does…it just takes him longer to process.</p>
<p>Yes, when one member of a dysfunctional family system decides it is time to change and takes the actions to make those changes, it takes time for the others to “catch up.” But, any time any one of us changes what we are doing, whether it is our intention or not, it forces those around us to make changes of their own.</p>
<p>It takes time, but you seem to have the “right” attitude about it. Impatience with your husband won’t help the situation right now, because I’m sure you have been shielding him from a certain amount of this stuff. Once he feels the full weight of it, he is likely to come around rather quickly, and, even if he does not, you are on the right path for yourself, which is what matters to me, since you are the one I am in contact with. </p>
<p>I know you sometimes go to alanon, and I am certain you will find a tremendous amount of support there, right now, and people who really do “get” where you are, right now. Trust the process.</p>
<p>Many of the women I have met in Al Anon were like you. They did it all. If they didn’t take care of it, it didn’t get done. When you live your life like that it will take its toll on you.
What are Momma-threes needs and wants?
Where on the list of needs to be met is Momma-three?
So many of us reach a point we don’t even know what we want for ourselves. We are so busy taking care of the needs of everyone that we have no time to think about ourselves. Many of us don’t even know what we want since we don’t have the time or courage to ask or think about what we want or need.
This applies to all of us, not just those who are dealing with family members with addictions and mental health disorders.
Once we begin to put our own needs at the top of the list our lives begin to change. ]Most of us are surprised that our family survives and in many cases begins to thrive. At first it might be tough but they are capable of taking care of themselves. If we don’t cook dinner they will or they will get takeout or go hungry.
Also as hard as it is for many of us we need to ask for what we want.
You deserve to be happy even if your D is miserable.
Get away for a few days. Turn off your phone. If you are not available to solve a crisis someone else will. Have a massage. Don’t pick up every call from your D.</p>
<p>Good afternoon m-3,
Yes, I saw that you were on line around 7-7:20 this morning and again around 8 (and no I am not stalking you 
- the little yellow square was lit on your posts, and time noted on the profile pg). Was glad to see you were ok (admittedly, a brief thought that you were chained up in the basement like in some horror movie did flash through my head, lol) and I certainly support your right to decide when you want to post, and when you just want to read. Just thought, since posters were worried, that I’d post that I’d seen you on line so poeple didn’t continue to worry unnecessarily.</p>
<p>Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope that things stay stirred up for a little while longer. I mean that in the most supportive of ways, because with the chaos from your daughter’s yelling and being irresponsible, I could hear the fire in your belly- that you were ready to finally act. You had had enough. As other said above, it is hard when your DH isnt where you are yet. And if things calm down for a little while, it will be too easy to fall back into … well complacency isn’t the right word, but for the potential for you to focus on other issues. The IMO, the priority needs to be your communication with your husband, because you two need to be a team. You have a good relationship with him, just a difficult communication in the face of a very toxic daughter. Nothing will change with her if you two aren’t a team. You dont have to agree on everything, just the primary gameplan. </p>
<p>I hope like HECK that your DH does NOT buy your dau another car. I agree with you-- removing necessary parts in order to keep the car from being driveable might be my first thought, but that is just feeding into the unhealthy communication, power struggles and passive-aggressinve behaviors that may occur. You need to talk to your husband BEFORE the possibility of his buying a car occurs, and get thee to a couples/marriage counselor pronto. Best for you two to work on how to problem solve, no matter what the problem is. Good luck. But please, don’t back down. Stay strong.</p>
<p>Jym, I’m still confused as to how you “happened to notice” that M3 was online here. What little yellow square are you referring to? I do actually find it disturbing to think that someone can track my presence on this website. Is there a way to block that? How does it work?</p>
<p>The little yellow square that says “CC” in the bottom left corner of your post (under your name) is visible/lit if you are on the forum. Most forums have indicators as to who is online at any given time. There is also a visible history of when posters are online.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Where is the visible history? I see the yellow square now – never really noticed it before, or if I saw it I wondered why some people were special:)</p>
<p>I suppose it could appear that someone is online if they are not. Sometimes I leave a thread open on my computer but am not actually on the site. I just either forget to close it or figure I’ll go back to it later. I suppose it would appear that I’m online when I’m not. </p>
<p>M3, you sound like a very strong woman and I’m sure that same strength that has gotten you through so much will also get you through this.</p>
<p>Not sure what you are implying by your use of quotations in post #592, mimk6. Sounds kinda not very nice. MOWC explained about the yellow squares in the lower left. There are instructions on the website as to what the color codes mean, how to go to the last post you read, whether or not there are new posts in a thread, how many posts a person has in any given thread, etc. Lots of nifty info that other posters have kindly pointed out along the way these many years that some of us have been here on cc.</p>
<p>Click on your name in blue and select “view public profile”. It will take you to your profile page. By doing so right now, I see that your last activity was today at 2:22 pm. Nothing “nefarious” about it. And yes , I was on before 7 this morning as I had a meeting to get to, and saw that m3 was on. Thought I’d reassure everyone. Whatever you “thought”, I “think” you were mistaken. I find your implication disturbing.</p>
<p>** edit to add:
Yes, some people stay signed onto cc for a while, but the profile pg shows the last activity, as I said. Hope that explains how this works. M3 was not on last night-- her little box in the lower left was white, not yellow. She was on (yellow) this morning. This is not all that complicated, really, and there is no need to imply something that simply isn’t true. Really.</p>
<p>Yes there is a way to “turn off” the yellow box.</p>
<p>Just don’t tell my boss how to look at all this! :)</p>
<p>Hmmm… is mimk6 your boss, MOWC??</p>
<p>Uhoh. I hope not!</p>
<p>I think many of us on this site have been worried about M3, understandably so. We have an idea but don’t really know in any meaningful way what is going on in her house with respect to her daughter and husband. I think about M3 more often than I probably should and I worry about her. Like Jym, I checked if she were on the site also. For those who regard this as creepy, know that it is done with a shared sense of concern for M3’s wellbeing and safety and not to intrude on her privacy.</p>