<p>Jym, what I was thinking is that going to someone’s profile page seems like more than happening to notice. It’s making an effort. I certainly didn’t think that there was anything nefarious and knew that you were checking up out of concern. I think a lot of people were concerned about M3 and if I had known it was possible to check on her I probably would have. It was a surprise to me that people can be tracked so easily here. It bothers me on general principles to think that I can so easily be tracked (other than a time stamp on a post.) Anyhow, I apologize for the quotes. I never suspected your intentions to be anything but well-intentioned.</p>
<p>Don’t worry MOWC. I’m obviously too clueless about figuring out this website to figure out your real name:)</p>
<p>Thank you for your apology, mimk6. You are correct that it was purely out of concern for m3 and the other posters here. Truly, I happened to notice that m3’s yellow square was on, meaning she was on line. It is merely one click (maybe 2) from there to see a profile page. It takes more effort to go find a new thread or post!! I saw m3 on, and assumed she’d post. When she didnt, I looked at the profile page to see when she was on. Then she came back on. Nothing magical. Really. And definitely nothing creepy or nefarious.</p>
<p>Momma-three - my heart goes out to you and I truly feel your pain. She sounds petrified to succeed. And I hate hearing that there is a boyfriend involved in making her less than she can be. I am in a similar situation with my Daughter. She was pretty much a straight A student through HS, until she met her bum boyfriend, now fiance! She started dating him May of her senior HS year. And then everything fell apart. She went away to school for the first semester - did great there. but not even a month into school applied to transfer to school at home, since he was here…did one good semester when the bf was going to school, then dropped out mid semester the next…but didnt drop her classes…she did go back on her own dime - we wouldnt pay the next semester after that, but moved in with the boyfriend…her latest thing was that she supposedly was going to graduate this summer…not sure if that was ever true…maybe just finished with school -and never went this summer, or this fall. He, the fiance got maybe 3 credits at the community college. She works at a supermarket and now her options are more than liikely staying there unless she goes back to school to finish her degree…ahhhhhhhh…So promising of a future blown to ^&^% because of this aho#@$. So sorry you are going through this too!</p>
<p>I don’t think momma-three’s daughter’s issues are the boyfriend. I realize the mom is not fond of this young man but I don’t see him as the problem. It is not like your situation, gerbilmom, because in this case, the BF is in college, away from where they grew up. M-3’s D also went away to college, a different one. The parents brought her home after a year but not due to the BF who didn’t go to her college. D has been living at home for 1.5 years and the BF is still away at college. He was home in their area this summer and D lived at his parents’ home (though mom wanted her at her own home). The BF is not stopping D from pursuing college and her goals. He is not even nearby most of the time. D didn’t leave college due to a BF. Her parents pulled her out of the college to bring her home. But the BF was not at home. He still is not at home most of the time. He also doesn’t sound like a “bum”…he is about to earn his college degree this year I believe.</p>
<p>oops, nevermind</p>
<p>I don’t have much to contribute, but I’ve been reading this from the beginnings when mom brought D home from the original college. I think that many “mothers” go through different periods of their life. I’ve had my periods where I’ve been controlling. I’ve had my periods when I was a martyr. I’ve had my periods when I’ve been the kids doormat or my H’s doormat. I think you can live many roles as you go from single, to married, to motherhood, to empty nester and I’ve gone through no where near what this Mom has gone through. I hope that all the advice and all the comments are cathartic in some way. It stings when someone points out you’ve being a doormat or a matyr, but it can stop you in your tracks and make you focus on yourself…which is what most of us are saying in different ways. I do think that getting this D into her own place, somewhere near the college where she doesn’t need a car is probably a good thing. The dynamics of the D and the mom are just simply not healthy and even if the H “takes over” if the D is in the house it’s going to be unhealthy. No one should talk to another person the way the D did if what the mom reported is true. Your H must be the most laid back person in the world which is a good thing because I know my H could never tolerate the drama queen buisness and the back talk… it would have escalated into all out war and th “queen” being promptly sent to Siberia with just the clothes on the back.</p>
<p>WHile all this is being worked out, do you think it’s possible to make a list of the minimum standards which you will tolerate in order for the daughter to be present in your home? For example, when she cursed at you on the day of the accident, I wasn’t sure why you left, rather than demand she leave. I realize that was a particularly terrible day, but before this happens again, if you’re ‘on strike’ as you say, it seems to me you should not have to leave your own home. Perhaps there’s a list of 5 behaviors you can write down and say that if those lines are crossed, she will be asked to leave the house for 3 hours to cool herself off. From what I’ve read (the entire thread), listed behaviors might be:
cursing at you, ridiculing you, threatening your safety, discussing driving your car, demanding a ride. NOtice that all these have to do with things she does that directly impact you. </p>
<p>You shouldn’t stand for such things, and the daughter and your H should hear clearly in advance that if she engages in those specific behaviors, rather than you leave, you’ll be pointing at the door saying (not yelling) this one word: “Out.” For 3 hours. Otherwise, to rid herself of you all she has to do is act up and you’re gone. The H should know these are the intolerable behaviors and he needs to not cross you when you enforce them.</p>
<p>All this while you sort out everything else and find her a place to live on or near campus, find a therapist, and the other important suggestions.</p>
<p>I just hate to see you flee your own house for sanity. Can you imagine yourself pointing to the door and saying, “Out”? If she returns in an inflamed mood, just rinse and repeat. “Out” for another 3 hours. Hand her a jacket for emphasis.</p>
<p>I think rather than creating a complicated list of rules, she should just be told to leave.</p>
<p>I think this is what she wants, anyway. I don’t think she wants to live at home.</p>
<p>I also think that she should be allowed to dropout of college if that is what she wants.</p>
<p>She likes to work. She got a new job immediately when she lost her old job. Clearly, she will survive on her own.</p>
<p>It’s time that the daughter go live her own life, independent of her parents.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I wonder…I think she likes getting everyone riled up and being the center of attention. It’s a relationship she knows and is comfortable with. Going out on her own? Scary…</p>
<p>I think paying3tuition’s suggestion in post 608 is a wise one for the time being until D moves out. </p>
<p>Momma-three, if hubby is not aligning with your new plans, do you think it might help to print out many posts here that tend to all slant one way (not your H’s way) and that he may see some validity in objective opinions? I hope you can also meet with a therapist.</p>
<p>As an example, it may be hard to enforce things and tell D she needs to leave for a break when she talks disrespectfully, IF husband works against that and doesn’t back it up and aligns with the D.</p>
<p>Ditto what paying3tuitions said. Very good advice.</p>
<p>mimk6, Like you, I was a little bemused to find out that that little CC square was an indicator of whether I was online or not, so I went to change it to “invisible”. (I do that on facebook too, just irks me somehow.) To my horror, OK, I exaggerate, but it turned the little square into a giant red circle. So ostentatious! So, I changed it back so now EVERYONE will know when I am online. Oh well.</p>
<p>Sorry, everyone. Back to the topic.</p>
<p>ppssssst mousegray,</p>
<p>No one but YOU will see the red circle (and actually, I think the circle is smaller than the square)</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying… I was starting to think that I was the only one not seeing a red circle! I see yellow squares all the time!</p>
<p>I have complete faith that my husband will see how this situation will only create more rebellion and nasty behavior because without wheels my daughter will not be able to come and go all hours of the day and night. He will be dealing with her this time…I am out of it and keeping busy with other things. I have suggested to both of them that this is the perfect time to consider the apartment near campus. She will need to work out how she will get to the work site locations for school but she could certainly get a job somewhere near school. She never has a problem getting a job or two or three. I am not feeding into this and I am taking a wait and see approach and I am prepared to just leave for a couple of days if she is not willing to step back from me. I have had enough of this and her car accident may have been the eye opener for her and my husband.</p>
<p>
Consider it?? Take this statement and firm it up about 1000 percent. It isnt the time to consider it, it is absolutely essential that this happen … YESTERDAY. And as P3T said, <em>you</em> should not be the one leaving your home. She acts like a spoiled drama queen and you leave. Nice deal for her. This is severely backward. And this
This is NOT HER CHOICE. Willing?? Why is the control in her hands? Please, PLEASE re-read p3t’s posts and folow it to a T. Today is Jan 8. Why is she still in your home? Why is she not on the phone finalizing OTHER living arrangements? What happened to living with a friend? Has ANYTHING been done towards making and finalizing the alternativie living arrangements? ANYTHING???</p>
<p>If the accident isnt a wakeup call for your husband, I am afraid to think what is. Apologies, but I am having visions of that former drill sargeant therapist commercial where he is throwing the tissue box and calling his client “mamby pamby” . Come on already. Please, for your safety, your daughters, and other on the road, get this process going.</p>
<p>OK, I am off to have a cup of coffee and settle down. </p>
<p>If you were my patient, I’d give you some kind of homework assignment to have completed before your next appointment. Would it be done, or would there be reasons that it was not? Maybe the daughter doesn’t change or follow through because she sees this pattern in her home. Apologies, but it is time to pull out a cyber 2X4 before things get worse. Can they?</p>
<p>I think jym, that the problem is that m3 and her DH are not on the same page. Such change cannot be made without a united front. We can give all sorts of suggestions, but nothing will work until both parents decide and agree to some sort of change or “intervention.” Until m3 and her DH agree on the living arrangements, behavior, car privileges …IMO m3 has no choice but to leave the situation.</p>
<p>Yes, it sounds like the dau has done a fine job of splitting the family (well mom and dad-- the brothers are all on one page, so it seems). And nothing will change. They have not gone to a couples/marriage counselor to deal with their difficulty with problem solving., M3 has described herself and her husband as very capable and competent in many other ways (business, dealing with other illnesses, family crises, etc) but are , for whatever reason, unable to implement that and use those skills with their daughters issues. If I recall correctly, m3 is the one who saved them from almost losing their home, yet she is the one having to leave?</p>
<p>Maybe the dad and dau should get a hotel room together for a week or two to see if they can problem solve. M3 should not have to be the one to leave. If the business is run from the home, dad can come to the house if need be to sork, then go “home” with the out of control daughter. Something, SOMETHING has to change. Sure, m3’s leaving is a “change” but it is like putting a bandaid on cancer, IMO.</p>
<p>Jym, as you know, as a professional, and I don’t know, maybe you just find it cathartic to come on here and urge people on?, but people change at a snails pace, and the thing we are seeing here is a great deal of change.</p>
<p>The husband will catch up.</p>
<p>The only thing I am concerned with is that M-3 continue on her journey of growing and changing. Her changes will change HER life. This really has nothing to do with anyone else, nor should she be “concerned” that it does.</p>
<p>For somebody who has operated out of this type of co-dependency, the fact that she is not concerned with changing anyone else, or changing anybody else’s mind, is actually a very, very healthy shift.</p>
<p>All she needs to do is to take care of herself, right now. That, in and of itself, will change her life.</p>
<p>Whether it changes anyone else or not is not even a consideration, nor should it be.</p>