<p>mimk6 - I’m sure that would be reasonable if that were the situation here. Momma-three has already told us that the daughter has not shown up for her most recent therapy appointments and her parents were charged full price for them. Many posters here (including myself) have strongly urged momma-three to call a therapist/counselor, etc. to intervene in this situation, and she has not indicated in any way shape/form or manner that she has had any contact with a mental health professional (other than reporting that D did not show up for scheduled appointments and momma-three did not know this until these bills arrived in the mail) since this all started, now starting the fourth week. I think it’s easy to speculate that if she/they had been seeing a therapist (or had even had any contact with one), we would be hearing some sort of report on it, even if it’s as generic as, “We are working on a plan and I’m just using this board to vent.” Momma-three does not owe us details of any such plan, but because so many posters have so strongly felt this was imperative at this point in the game, it is somewhat baffling to so many of us that there has been absolutely no reference to any past or scheduled appointments and/or phone calls and/or consultations. She has mentioned having seen a counselor herself so we know she has a contact, and we know that daughter has a therapist. But she has chosen not to utilize those resources (in fact, several of us have also mentioned Al-Anon and she shared with us that she has attended Al-Anon in the past with some success - whether or not she attended because she needed the support and guidance for her brother or her daughter, it does not matter. But she has not volunteered any information that she has sought out an Al-Anon meeting since December 15th.</p>
<p>As you can see, this is why so many of us are becoming frustrated. The only resource she seems to be drawing on is how she cannot seem to put her mother’s experience with her brother out of her head, that her mother was the epitome of how she wishes to handle her daughter, so in a sense, she is choosing to draw on very limited view of how such situations can and should be handled.</p>
<p>To be very, very blunt here, I am going to speculate something that has a 99.9% chance of never happening, but, if I lived anywhere near momma-three or her daughter or where her daughter attends school, and was involved in any sort of accident (or one of my loved ones was), and I discovered all this background information and learned she had failed to take any action, I would do everything in my power to make sure the strictest penalties were laid out and would probably file a civil suit. Of course, if D does cause another accident, chances are next to zero that whoever she hits has any knowledge of this forum and what’s been shared.</p>
<p>However, if I had the slightest sign that these parents had taken any kind of action to make their daughter accountable, showing that they knew she was a menace and took some constructive steps to keep her from driving, it would never occur to me to be angry with the parents and also hold them accountable.</p>
<p>BOTW, IIRC that was a completely unexpected, spur of the moment, move on the D’s part and came on the heels of her parents getting her needed treatment after the LAC debacle. One would think any parent would be alarmed and heartbroken to witness bizarre behavior when they thought their child was coming along so well (remember, she was on the verge of graduating from the CC then). After another 6 months of abusive and impulsive behaviour, my feelings would change too and I would certainly start viewing it as a pattern of destructiveness! </p>
<p>I think it’s pretty clear that m3’s husband isn’t quite there yet and it just takes some people a bit longer to realize that, despite their best efforts and intentions, they cannot “fix” everything and sometimes must let their adult child choose to sink or learn to swim on their own. M3 is probably wise to allow him the time with his d to mull that over…she knows her husband as none of us do! Now that she’s no longer running interference, he may well have an epiphany rather quickly!</p>
<p>I understand, but she got the degree while living away from her home. She made arrangements to live elsewhere, attended class, passed classes, and held down a job all while not living at home.</p>
<p>While it was unexpected, spur of the moment, it also was highly successful for the daughter. There really isn’t anything about it that was unsuccessful based on what has been posted here.</p>
<p>Life is not a fairytale existence. My daughter was living under the roof of her boyfriends parents…no rent, no food bills, no utilities, and a boyfriend who drove her to class daily. That is not success on your own. She did not get a degree whil living away she completed two classes while away to complete her degree. She also had my sons clearly telling her that if she messed this up she would really be on her own with no financial help from dear old mom and dad. </p>
<p>I want her on her own…Husband is not ready. Part of the reason is that we are spending way too much money as it is at a time when our business has dropped off. Yes I get the fact that she will support herself but it is easier said than done when you look at the history and know where stress leads her. She is still my daughter and I am having trouble with the idea of her attending school (her idea) working and field visits for school. There is alot that goes on in the course of her day and if she has no financial help than we are looking at a bigger problem. I want her to take a leave from school because her head is not really into it and it is like throwing away tuition dollars. Both my husband and daughter know my position and now it is up to my daughter to figure out what and how she will do it. I am not backtracking and I am not fixing. My husband is not at the same place as I am but he generally was not privy to as much as I was. I did not hold back but he never heard and saw things directly so it is not as painful for him. He sees what goes on in the house but again he is still in protective mode and also concerned about the financial end of her being “on her own”. I am of the feeling that this is the point when on your own really m,eans go out and do it on your own without mom and dads help. My husband still sees her as a child…he will come around and until he does I am doing my own thing and watching from the side lines…I don’t have the energy to live with this anymore…time for a change and it is beginning with me.</p>
<p>Sorry, I never read that whole thread (or this one either) but wasn’t it just a temporary living situation and wasn’t she only a few weeks away from graduation when the whole thing started? Something with the BF who was only home for the summer, and is a little jerk anyway, so that’s part of the reason that her parents were alarmed. Guess I don’t view that as the kid managing a whole heck of a lot on her own since she was already nearly finished with her final class and just ran off to her friend’s apt with her parents’ car! </p>
<p>In any case, M3 is perfectly willing for her D to move out now but isn’t shoving her out the door while her husband is still coming to terms with his feelings…makes perfect sense to me that she would consider her H’s emotional needs to be important, even while letting go of responsibility for her D’s.</p>
<p>Is it just me, or is anyone else bothered that you have to defend yourself – in my eyes, the clear victim – to people on this board. I’m sure you realize, though, that you do not lack for admirers, empathizers and sympathizers. I’m sure everyone is well-meaning, and I hope that your soul-baring here is helping. Reaching out in this forum seems to have opened your eyes to some sad and difficult realities, and even after all the discussion we readers are just that, readers, and we don’t know anything more about feelings, history, facts, than you can tell us in words. I admire your ability not to say give me a break, get off my back, because you don’t need any more pain or opposition. You are obviously a very smart and insightful woman, wife, parent, and we can see a bright future for all of you. As Sandra Boynton says, don’t let the turkeys get you down.</p>
<p>Good morning M3. I hope today is a good day for you, and that your hubby and daughter can have some good, calm conversations about the future of her schooling, transportation, and living arrangements.
The sun is shining here in Maryland, and I hope it is where you are, too. I was just going to tell you to get out in the sunshine, but it’s too cold for me to do it. So - nevermind. lol.</p>
<p>I believe momma-three posts on the board knowing people will tell her what they think. I don’t believe she expects posters to not question or challenge what is going on. She seems to appreciate all of the feedback and the most constructive posts might be the ones that aren’t fully supportive.</p>
<p>It’s not just you. I do think she wants honest feedback and that if you put something out on CC you’re going to get a lot of that, but I sometimes do feel that people are putting her more on the defensive than is necessary. Assuming she wants her marriage to last, she needs to consider her husband. If she forces the daughter out before he is ready and it doesn’t turn out well, it could damage the marriage irreparably. It is far preferable to give him a little time to come on board and for them to be on the same page than to tear apart their marriage over this. When you’re married, you can’t always do what you want when you want to with regard to your kids.</p>
<p>This is like one big soap opera. Every day people log on to hear the latest–but unlike the TV version you can actually communicate with the writer. </p>
<p>Anyone else find this thread a little weird?</p>
<p>The thread is getting a little weird…when my life is looking like a bad soap opera it is time to sign off.</p>
<p>I hope to post again in a couple years with better news…until then thankyou generous CC people for your thoughts and kind words and to those who offered their honest opinions I thank you too. I have heard every word and appreciate your wisdom.</p>