<p>^Lol, I would have been very tempted to respond with “Ditto”!</p>
<p>Maybe I will save that message and send it as a forward when I get one of her I need this or that calls.</p>
<p>lol, momma-three. That’s something my mom would do. Then 15 minutes later she’d respond with whatever we wanted. haha!</p>
<p>Believe it or not the humor is what I need right now…keep it coming.</p>
<p>^Buy a little decorative book with blank pages. Write down her more “memorable” comments. Save it, and give it to her when she has a daughter. Write inside, “good luck.”</p>
<p>^^^LOVE that idea!</p>
<p>The “journal” is a great idea. It would be great therapy for you, m-3, and just the fun of handing it over to her one day is great to think about. I’m not crafty, but I’d think I’d decorate it with glitter pens :)</p>
<p>I’ve been reading your threads and my heart breaks for you. I hope you and H can find a way to stop allowing your D to throw grenades in your life. </p>
<p>I wish you a lot of peace. If you can, I suggest you splurge on a long massage, might help your migraines.</p>
<p>classof2015…Good idea! I could give her the sequel…adolescence…teenager…emerging adult.</p>
<p>I would not be giving her any more towels, that’s for sure. Towels are expensive…</p>
<p>"aww I would love to do that collegeshopping. I would actually like to add “Dad and I are leaving for Hawaii…I tried getting in touch with you to tell you where the keys for the house were left but you did’nt respond. Don’t try to reach us because this is our vacation and we have the cell phones off. Goodbye.”</p>
<p>Oh my God, I love that. You must do that one day, soon. Not to be mean to her, but for a mental health break, and just to get the point across. It is awful to be so unappreciated for all your sacrifice. Hawaii, make it happen, soon!! The airfares will go down in January!</p>
<p>When I was young I had a cousin that was a total H*ll on wheels. I remember one Christmas Morning, waking at my grandparents and said teenager’s stocking was filled with coal. I was so surprised to know Santa really did keep two seperate lists…lol.</p>
<p>A friend of mine suggested bringing back half of her gifts and using the money for one of the airline tickets…tempting.</p>
<p>Daughter comes home today from her weekend away. I can’t possibly imagine her mood when she walks in the door. She had one of my sons so upset when she finally anwered her phone while she was in the car on the way to weekend get a way with her boyfriend. My son had no idea where she was, and was asking her how things were going. She went off on one of her drama rants about how awful mom is. My son realized she had a audience half way through the conversation. He felt terrible to know that she was going on and on about her complaints in front of her boyfriend. She has so much growing up to do. She has been doing stuff like this for years…she waits till people are around to complain and air her gripes. It has gotton to the point now that she will not answer a phone and talk, she will only respond to texting. She does not even take a voicemail…she just deletes them.</p>
<p>Mom is awful because I expect her to be a responsible person that has her priorties in order. She still does not realize that if school is not a priority right now than she should take the leave of absence.</p>
<p>If school is not a priority for her and you want her to take a leave of absence, you could stop paying for now, and have her become independent, move into an apartment and get a job. Then, if she wishes at some point to return to school, she can take out loans (since she is a risk to you that she will complete the semester), and if she does complete it, you can offer to reimburse her. Someone should only attend college who wants to be there and is willing to do the work. Otherwise, it is not the right path, nor worth the money. I think it is in your D’s best interests to live on her own now. I think the arguments between you will lessen as she will not be under your wing, not living at home, not being supported by you. Time to grow up and be the 20/21 year old that she is.</p>
<p>One reason your D may not be taking the leave of absence from school is because she doesn’t feel she HAS to as you are willing to pay and enable her to continue school at the risk of her not completing semesters, etc. You might have to change what you guys are willing to do.</p>
<p>M-3 I’m sending calming thoughts and plenty of prayers your way. Since you can’t change the way she is (re) acting, maybe it would help to change the way you act around her.</p>
<p>It sounds like she is comfortable and knows what you’ll do and how you’ll respond when she gets in this “mood”. Try and change things up a little. Don’t give her so much at Chrsitmas. Don’t respond to her phone calls as quickly. You can’t continue to live in a drama filled world.</p>
<p>When our 6 year old daughter was being the devil child- and I mean this almost literally, we would tell her- you get what you give. You give us a crappy attitude, you will one in return. If you hand us the negativity, you will get it back (in spades). On the other hand, you give us happiness and positivity, you will see it come back to you. This was happening at a time when we were tearing our hair out- she was defiant, she would yell, hit, scream and demand everything from everyone- her teachers, parents, grandmother. Nothing worked- time out, positive reinforcement, punishment. She would have fit right in on a Jerry Springer show. Really.</p>
<p>It was so bad that I was looking for a military school that would take 6 year old children. I kid you not. One Sunday night, she was out of bed at midnight, saw me surfing the internet where I had finally found such a school. She asked what I was doing, I told her we were going to take her to this school if she didn’t turn it around. She told me and I quote “you can’t do that, you can’t afford it”. I told her if her dad and I had to work 2 jobs each, we would be able to do it and if she didn’t want to be a PART of this family, then she would be apart FROM this family. I gave her the week to start changing her attitude. If we did not see a change, then Saturday would be road trip time. Thank God she saw the light and changed a little and I mean a little. It took about 6 months before we had turned a corner and could see a light (that wasn’t a train) at the end of the tunnel. The devil child is now 14, has hit puberty and has actually mellowed- no drama, no tantrums. I think she went through her puberty stage about 6 years early.</p>
<p>So M-3, I would stop what you are doing and let your daughter be apart from your family. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. You don’t deserve this treatment. She’s not a little girl any more where you have to fix things. That’s her job. Our jobs as parents to adults is to be positive and supportive- not supporting and trying to survive the tornado of their lives. Step away and spend more time with your sons. You don’t deserve this. Plan and GO to Hawaii.</p>
<p>Or another thought- you get what you give- only talk to her when you are on your cell phone around other people so you can rant and rave about how horrible she is. For example- your phone rings, you answer, she starts ranting at you, you say to the people around you- “excuse me, I have to talk to my ungrateful, rude child. All she does is complain about everything we have done for her. What’s that dear? Yes, I know that we don’t do anything for you. I know we have only answered every phone call and given you everything you have ever wanted. I know it’s terrible. Well I suppose since we are a bad influence on you, we shouldn’t talk anymore. Goodbye.” You get what you give. :)</p>
<p>I don’t think I would allow anyone who is supported by me to treat me in such a way. It is unthinkable to me that the daughter would have enough nerve to return home after this latest episode. Your friend is right - return all of her gifts, donate them to some needy people, they would be more appreciative. </p>
<p>I personally think you are allowing her to walk all over you. I have been following your D saga over the years. I think you are a good parent who is doing all you could for your children. But it comes a time when you have to look after yourself, and just say no more.</p>
<p>Even if she doesn’t want to take a leave of absence, you can. Tell her you are taking a LOA from paying for school because you aren’t ready to go back to paying tuition.</p>
<p>Oldfort is right, post #115. I don’t understand why the family is still paying her tuition and expenses. She feels entitled, no matter what her behavior and accomplishments (or lack thereof). She needs to be on her own, starting now. Good luck, this won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. She needs to make her own decisions, suffer the consequences of them. After a while, she’ll see the light. If not, at least you’ll be taking care of yourself.</p>
<p>I have reached the point (within the last few months) that I would be happy to see my daughter move out on her own. I will not support her with tuition if she leaves because I know school is her last priority. I do not want to support her at all but my husband is so worried that she will get into trouble if we do not financially support her. This is tough because I would like to see her plan this logically. How she will support herself and what it takes to support herself. I do not want this to seem like a punitive action on our behalf but rather a step toward her growing independant from us. Our daughter is rather clueless as to what it takes to be out on her own. The last time the topic came up she failed to consider utilities and personal expenses. She thought she could share an apartment with friends for as little as $400.00 a month. There was no thought to the rest of the expenses and it was scary that she thought she could eat on $25.00 a week or less. </p>
<p>Those of you who have had kids go out on their own how have you handled the clueless kid?</p>
<p>I think you should let your daugher move out if that’s what she wants. She might finish college, she might not. She might finish when she’s older. She might not. As I step back and read this thread I just read two people that are pushing and pulling and punishing each other. Neither you nor your husband will be able to make her do what you want her to and she will continue to do what you don’t like until you cut the unbilical cord. This has been going on for along time. </p>
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<p>I totally agree with this.</p>
<p>If I recall, last summer, the issue was she was living with her BF or friends and you wanted her to live at home. At the time, I suggested that she live independently just like she would if she attended a college that was not in commuting distance. You said at the time, if I recall correctly, that if she did not live at home, you would not pay tuition. At the time, I didn’t understand that as I would think if you wanted to pay tuition, the issue of where she resided should not matter. </p>
<p>At this point in time, my advice is still pretty similar but I would likely not offer to pay tuition unless she did a semester where she took out loans or used any savings in her own name (if she has any) to pay for it (only because she was willing to quit before the semester ended), and tell her from the get go that you’d reimburse the tuition if she completed and passed the semester AFTER the fact, but you were not willing to waste money and take a chance on it again. However, if school is a low priority for her, I would not even suggest she do school at this time and take a break from it. </p>
<p>But school or no school, she should be living outside the home at this age, in my view, and also given the friction she has under close supervision. </p>
<p>You ask how a young adult lives on their own who is “clueless.” Well, for starters, I can only share my own situation which I realize may or may not be helpful to you. I have two daughters. They knew we would pay for college and all related expenses to attend their colleges. In summers during college, if they opted to not live at home (and they never came home any summers), they had to have jobs that would support them for the summer, as we did not pay for summers at that age. They got jobs every summer to support wherever they lived. They also knew that once they were out of college, they immediately were on their own to support themselves. It just is an expectation. They both have done so. Neither have ever moved home (not that we would not welcome them but it just is not in their plans for what they are involved in). </p>
<p>We sat down and went over their expenses of what they would need to live per month and then they figured out a way to earn it. We still pay health insurance and they are on our phone plan, but otherwise, we do not support their living expenses. At times, they will get gift money such as from grandparents and have some savings but they work to earn money to live wherever they live. It just was never up for discussion and is an expectation. I also cannot afford to support them wherever they are as I am still paying back college and grad school loans and will be for some time. I had to borrow a bunch just to pay for the years of college and grad school, which we felt were our responsibility, but paying expenses when not in school is their responsibility. THey know it and they do it and both are working in their fields as well and do not live near us. But I did sit down with D2 (who did not go to grad school and graduated college at age 20 and lives in NYC) and went over a budget of what she would need to live so she had some idea. She supports herself and budgets her money and is doing OK. I suggest you do that with your D. I can’t even imagine why she would want to live at home where she is not free to do what she wants. Let her do what she wants with the expectation that when she is not in school, she must support herself since she is an ADULT. My kids never expected us to pay their way once out of college (or in summers if opting to live away from home).</p>