<p>Try to tolerate her for the holiday week with your other kids home and don’t deal with your D’s plans until they leave. </p>
<p>As far as school, while your D says she wants to be in school, but you say she appears to hate it and doesn’t really want to do the work and then this latest semester was ready to drop it all and quit…my feeling is your D may want to be in school as something to do and it is a stage of life that parents pay for and she likes that aspect. Let her stay in school if she wishes but that you no longer can pay for a waste of money and so she can take that risk on her own funds and you can offer to pay it back if she successfully completes it. Then, the decision is in her hands, given these boundaries. </p>
<p>As I wrote before, school or no school, she should live on her own. Too much conflict with her under your roof. She needs to be expected to live independently and support herself. This will cut down on some of the drama. I think the excuse that she can’t handle it is not worthy and I’d give it a try. If you don’t set expectations, then she can’t meet them. UP the bar. It’s for her own good, let alone your own sanity. Also, by having a third party like a therapist intervene, perhaps this will help with your husband getting on board with this plan. </p>
<p>Good luck. I’m sorry for how challenging your D is and it is time for you to no longer do what you are doing and create expectations of what she must do as an adult.</p>
<p>Another vote for ignoring her for the next week. Tell yourself that you will not let her take over your thoughts. You will deal with her next week. Pick a day and DO NOT think about her issues till that day. Mental Vacation.</p>
<p>My daughter woke up said nothing ate her breakfast and left the house with the car that is registered to me. I feel like a total idiot at this time of my life because we have done nothing but support this kid emotionally with alot of love and kindness. We trully get nothing back…she is not capable of it. I will deal with all of this when the two sons go back to school but that is in three weeks. My other son is still here until February but it can’t wait until then.</p>
<p>You & your H are the only ones with the power to change the dynamics in your home, so basically, you, not your d, are making life miserable for your other children. Maybe if you change your focus to look at what is best for the whole family, and not center your entire universe around your d, you will find the strength to do what needs to be done. This situation is really not fair to your sons.</p>
<p>I agree that you should wait until after Christmas day to deal with this situation. But I don’t think you should wait until the boys go back, three weeks is too long to have this string out. Especially if you are going to not pay for school next semester or, at the very least, expect her to take out some loans to contribute. You can’t leave that until she is about to return to school (if she is even able to return with what happened with her end of semester classes). I would think you should be having this conversation the week after Christmas at the latest. But you and your husband need to be on the same page. </p>
<p>Your boys are probably as sick of this as you are. They may be relieved that you are finally putting your foot down.</p>
<p>So try and enjoy Christmas itself. Enjoy the rest of your family and just “smile and nod, smile and nod” when it comes to your daughter. Don’t let her ruin it for you. You could just ask her is she planning to spend Christmas day or dinner with you so you know how to plan. Don’t be upset (or let her see you upset) if she says no. It seems to me like she is holding the emotional strings here and knows it. Then after Christmas get down to business and tell her what you are willing and/or not willing to do.</p>
<p>I don’t really understand why you and your husband have been so determined that she stay living at home. My daughter moved into an off campus apartment her sophomore year of college. She has not returned home for holidays since then as she usually has a job (like right now, she is working during the break but she will be here for Christmas day) and/or is taking classes (both the last summers). She has fairly good scholarships and financial aid *including * loans in her name and pays for her apartment herself out of these and her part time jobs. </p>
<p>Yes, in some ways I would have liked for her to have come home more, but it is not something I would have made a big issue about. She is not a child any more and she soon figured out how to budget and pay for her rent and bills and food. She did it, we all did it, your daughter will too. Tell her you have realized this is what she wants and that is fine with you, but that she needs to find a way to pay for it herself.</p>
<p>Agree with not waiting three weeks to have this discussion. Earlier, when i said to put this aside while your boys are home, I was thinking of XMas week. That’s likely because my own kids will only be home one week and I was thinking of that time span. After Christmas, you really do need to sit down about plans for next semester with your limits and expectations in place.</p>
<p>Well, even if she has your car, she’s out of the house for now. Try and see that as a good thing. For the holidays, I’d make whatever plans I want, spend time with the boys and if she’s around she can join or go sulk in her room (I fully recognize this is much harder to say than do). Think about what you, your DH and sons want to do for Christmas–attend services, eat certain foods, go see lights, whatever. Make your plans and go about your holiday season. She wants to be left alone, no worries. Leave her alone.</p>
<p>As far as school goes, well I sure wouldn’t pay anymore tuition. Yes, you paid for the boys, but they went to class, turned in work, etc. D has had X semesters paid for, whether or not she has that many credits. When she has completed the next semester on her dime (well, it seems like it might be on your dime, but no more), then consider reimbursing the costs after receiving a final grade report. If she doesn’t finish, she’s out the money. </p>
<p>Sometime after Christmas or in early January, sit down with Counselor and D and let her know the new path you are taking with YOUR LIFE. Not the new path with her life, YOUR PATH WITH YOUR LIFE. You and DH are ready to be empty nesters, she’s welcome home for holiday visits like her brothers. You are ready to travel or whatever, she has blown most of her college money, it’s for her to figure out. Figure out how many semesters you have already paid for, you are willing to reimburse after successful completion the remaining number of semesters—total of 8. Not extra because she felt like running off with the boyfriend. If she’s nice to you, you’ll be nice to her—like return phone calls/text messages from wherever you happen to be. It’s not about her and her life, it’s about you and your life.</p>
<p>I truly feel for you. I hope you find peace, and have some joy this holiday season.</p>
<p>Yeah, I was just thinking christmas week, too. My college age one is only home for the week since she’s got to get back to her part time job and friends back in her college town.</p>
<p>I’m glad she’s out of the house.</p>
<p>If you do decide to talk to her, when you do decide to talk to her, I’d simply recommend a type of list of “this is what we are willing to do.” I would try to avoid the emotional, if at all possible. Sometimes when my 16 year old gets a little too emotional wrought, I just say, “This is a business conversation. We’ll talk about our feelings at a different time. These are just the details.”</p>
<p>With a daughter your age, I would just say, “This is a business conversation and it’s not about how you feel. These are just the details, and I wanted you to know where we stand.” Full stop.</p>
<p>Then, you can go to therapy and cry about it forever.</p>
<p>One great thing I once heard a friend say, and I think he was quoting someone else, but I don’t know who, right now: “YOu cannot simultaneously set a boundary with someone and take care of their feelings at the same time.”</p>
<p>Hope you can think about something else today.</p>
<p>“Your boys are probably as sick of this as you are. They may be relieved that you are finally putting your foot down.”</p>
<p>I agree 100%. You’ve raised two wonderful, self-sufficient, caring, thoughtful young men. They see their sister’s awful behavior being tolerated (and financed). What does that say to your boys?</p>
<p>M3, I think it will be easier once you and your H can be on the same page, and I would make that a priority after the holidays.</p>
<p>I know that my H & I are on the same page that we would not allow one of our D’s to treat us this way and would have withheld financial support pending an attitude adjustment.</p>
<p>We were not on the same page when my S was having academic issues in high school (H is the stepdad), and that led to us not dealing with things effectively.</p>
<p>classof2015… I have three sons, and they are very sad to see what my daughter has caused, and sick of it too.</p>
<p>We will need to have the talk right after Christmas because there needs to be a plan in place that my husband can live with. Its time that my husband realize that this is out of hand and we are being walked on. My oldest son has been telling him for months that he needs to be more assertive regarding her behavior.</p>
<p>^^No the boyfriend did not graduate yet. It would not surprise me if they got an apartment together when he graduates this May. When she stayed with him this summer she stayed at his parents house…I was shocked because my daughter never liked them but I guess it was the lesser of two evils.</p>
<p>I’m kind of surprised that his parents had your D staying at their home all summer when you live in the same town. That doesn’t seem too typical and is not the same as two kids getting an apartment together. </p>
<p>Do you know if BF is coming back to your community post college?</p>
<p>Her behavior will not change until YOUR behavior changes. She is holding you and your entire family hostage. Why? Because she can. She knows all your darkest fears for her and is using them to control you. </p>
<p>What would happen if you were to just start living as if she were incidental to your life? If you were to stop paying her expenses. If you were to make all the car keys inaccessible to her. If you were to just plan your days, your meals, around you and your H, and just responded, “Oh, I hadn’t heard from you so I assumed you wouldn’t be home for dinner.” In other words, if you were to just remove her from being the focus of everyone’s life. I can guarantee that her behavior would change. After a huge temper tantrum (or two) where she will test you as much as she can, she will change her tune.</p>
<p>The hardest part of this, though, is changing YOUR behavior.</p>
<p>^^^^^^Bingo! But it’s not easy, and it IS heartbreaking. And absolutely essential, as well as lifesaving for both the daughter and the rest of the family.</p>
<p>I have been following this thread but haven’t posted until now. First, I’m sorry that you are going through this. As much trouble as she has caused you, it is clear that you love your D very much.<br>
I agree that she knows your fears and knows how to manipulate you. This girl is no dummy and I’m sure you know that first hand. The problem is that she is using that acute intelligence to manipulate your behavior. The fact that she can leave you weak and give you migraines is not lost on her.</p>
<p>I agree with the above post that you should try to go about your activities, plans, etc as if the world does not spin on her moods, decisions, etc. The only way to change someone’s behavior is to change our response to it. This is a hard thing to do when patterns are deeply rooted but the results will be worth it if you can stick out the tantrums (and they will escalate until she figures out that you are not going to react).</p>
<p>I haven’t watched him for a year or two, but your post reminded me of some things Dr. Phil used to say (usually in reference to young children) about what usually happens when parents who have been letting their children run the show suddenly stand up and announce that there is a new plan and they are taking back control of the household. He said it always gets much WORSE before it gets better, and you just have to stay strong while the kids up the ante and go full force with their tantrums, manipulation, and emotional extortion. Only once they see the parents are serious and will not bend do they finally surrender to the new order of the home.</p>
<p>Good luck. This sounds like a really hard deal.</p>
<p>^^^Agree, the details (of whether you “cut her off”, pay for college, kick her out, etc.) aren’t as important as your having a firm, completely un-ambivalent resolve to no longer allow her to yank you and your H around. Children can smell ambivalence, and they go for the jugular.</p>