<p>^^
I agree. There are bullies that take a non-reaction as a sign of weakness. </p>
<p>(My h is wondering if he can go give this girl “the look”. lol )</p>
<p>You’re both right- I just worked with bullies’ survivors for several years as a living. What could I possibly know about them? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Romani, I agree with you. The kids who don’t care about this stuff are the kids who don’t get bullied. Cause and effect in action. It’s no fun to pick on someone who blows it off so they move on to a new target.</p>
<p>Mom2: LOL! I also flashed on a melting image!<br>
The reason I brought in the religion thing is that this actually worked for my DD. It scared the bejebbies out of the coworker who was causing the problem. The empowerment thing worked too, once the dd understood how bullies worked. </p>
<p>Seriously though, the dd needs to document time, date, what was said, and hostility.</p>
<p>Romani, no one is saying that you don’t know anything about bullies.</p>
<p>That said, you don’t know how every bully reacts. There are some that aren’t easily deterred by being ignored. There are some that will “amp it up”. There are those that become incensed that they’re being ignored. Now, maybe after 6 months (or whatever) of being ignored they will finally quit, but that is a long time to be harassed.</p>
<p>Romani–I’m not invalidating your experiences, but mine were quite different. I spent much of childhood/middle school age dutifully trying to follow the “just ignore them, they’re looking for a response” advice. It never worked. In fact, the bullies I was harassed by thrived on that–they knew I was doing what I was “supposed” to do, and that was another chance to mock.</p>
<p>I thought that advice had been largely discredited.</p>
<p>I mean, sometimes you might not have any choice but to try to ignore, but I sure don’t think that means the bully is going to get bored and stop.</p>
<p>For those who have suggested going to the manager – it’s possible that this could have disappointing results.</p>
<p>Sometimes managers don’t care about this sort of thing or are the sort who think hazing is an educational experience.</p>
<p>When I was in my 20s, I was one of four new employees hired simultaneously by a small organization. Three of us were young people; the fourth was a woman of about 60. A secretary was supposed to have restroom keys made for all of us, but she kept “forgetting.” This went on for weeks, with all of the new people being unable to go to the bathroom except during our lunch breaks, when we could go to a neighborhood restaurant. </p>
<p>Finally, the older woman brought up the issue of the delayed restroom keys with the manager. She didn’t accuse the secretary of anything; she simply said that she realized that the secretary was busy, and that she must have many more important things to do than getting restroom keys made, but that for a woman her age, not having access to a restroom was a difficult problem. The keys were made the next day, but the manager developed a bad feeling for the older employee. This employee quit shortly therafter, which was unfortunate because she did very good work.</p>
<p>My take on this situation is that the manager knew perfectly well that there were problems but didn’t want to have to confront them – or the secretary – for her own reasons. When the manager was forced to confront the problem, she became resentful of the person who put her in the situation. And as far as she was concerned, it was the 60-year-old who did it, not the secretary who liked to haze new staff members.</p>
<p>I, too, was bullied heavily as a young girl. Often, sadly there was no good recourse, and even today, there are times to be humble , times to trike out , time to report it , time to ignore it. IT’s not like there are any surefire things that work every time for every situation. </p>
<p>My son was terribly bullied at a terrible restaraunt by some of the permanent staff there. They needed their jobs, but they still were nasty, and the manager was a lazy coward. He’d do nothing, the minimum, or take the side that was the easiest. He would side with long time employees over a new part timer any day. FInding part time workers was easy, a dime a dozen. Who knows what the relationships are in these places when you are new on board.</p>
<p>The problem with giving advice to tohers is that the person in the midst of all of this has to live with the consequences of what is said and done. There have been times when I took bold moves that had chances of blowing up. Whatever solution the DD takes has to be one she can pull off and live with, because in the end, she’s the one there. Bullying, unfortunately, often works, and not just because the victim doesn’t put up with it. Certain reactions cause the victims even more problems. </p>
<p>Hugs to your DD. I hope she’s looking for a better job. There are some places that become cesspools, and she’s working in one, it seems.</p>
<p>This is why we want our kids to have jobs. Their is nothing better than on the job training in a job that doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>Your daughter can only control her own actions and reactions. She has no idea what might happen as every situation is different.</p>
<p>One thing she can try:</p>
<p>Ask her direct manager what is the general policy on dealing with a fellow employee that is doing these things ( have a small list). Have her state she would like to try and work it out on her own and could use some guidance. This will empower the manager and should get your D some points in trying to go about it the right way.</p>
<p>If the manager is a jerk or worst yet a friend of the bully your daughter will be able to figure that out pretty quickly. </p>
<p>Most important is your daughter learning the proper way to deal with it and then learning that sometimes you need to cut your losses and just give your notice.</p>
<p>Good luck to her. My D has 10 years in retail and it is amazing to watch how she handles herself. I give her and her sincere looking smile a bunch of credit when dealing with difficult people.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think that’s a gem. She can do this without saying the other girl’s name, of course. If the manager asks, then go ahead and identify (is that right, Sax?). </p>
<p>Don’t be surprised if the manager says it this way, “Oh, it’s (X name) right?” because they know who’s on shift together. </p>
<p>Sax’s approach, phrased precisely that way, puts your D in only a good light, no matter the outcome. She can back down if the manager seems disinterested or cowed. </p>
<p>D might also hear something she is doing wrong interpersonally in the workplace, as observed by the manager, so she should be ready to hear that, too.</p>
<p>Is your daughter the only college student among the employees? If so, that would do it because they see that she doesn’t need the job and will eventually have a better career. There are aspects of many jobs that are very unpleasant. If the co-worker is not threatening your daughter, then she should just suck it up unless a line is crossed to illegal speech. That should be reported, but there are always people in any job that we don’t like and don’t work well with. Learning how to do your job professionally with such a person is a valuable learning experience, and having that experience when the job isn’t one that feeds your kids is a great thing.</p>
<p>My husband works in a retail establishment as a second job and sees all kinds of nonsense. There is usually SOMEONE in charge of human resources issues somewhere, even if it is far back in the bowels of the store and not readily apparent to all employees. Your daughter could find out who that person is, outside of the actual chain of supervision on the floor, and speak to him or her.</p>
<p>*One thing she can try:</p>
<p>Ask her direct manager what is the general policy on dealing with a fellow employee that is doing these things ( have a small list). Have her state she would like to try and work it out on her own and could use some guidance. This will empower the manager and should get your D some points in trying to go about it the right way.
*</p>
<p>This is great idea. </p>
<p>It may even be good to not immediately “let on” that someone is bullying YOU. Be general, get the manager to say what the policy is, what an employee should do in response, etc. Then the manager may press to find out what is going on. W/o naming names, tell the manager. Let the manager be appalled by the behavio w/o knowing who. Then, if pressed, provided the name. </p>
<p>I don’t know how big this company is, but some of the larger companies have anti-bullying programs and now have a zero-tolerance on bullying.</p>
<p>If she went to the manager and he did nothing, then I would ask her to find another job. Most retail managerial jobs get reviewed or even bonuses based on the retention rate of employees. An incentive for them to care even if for selfish reasons. Most employees are given an exit interview where she could state it was a hostile environment. Don’t worry about having a bad reference, most businesses will only confirm dates of employment as giving a bad reference without reprimands etc could get them in trouble. Every employer I know just confirms dates of employment and “it is not our policy to give any references”. </p>
<p>For all of you who think she should suck it up, let me just say this. This 20 something will continue to do this to her, the next person, etc. bullies IMO should not be ignored. They need to be taught their behavior is unacceptable. We have enough bullies because we just walk away, get a different job, try and kill them with kindness, etc but all they see is that you are weak. That is the ‘high’ for the bully, feeling powerful. Honestly, a talk from her manager might be the best thing for this girl. She needs to learn how to get along, not to intimidate. IMO bullying is getting to an alarming rate in our society.</p>
<p>It seems to me that there are really only two things the daughter can do in this situation (1) try her best to ignore/deflect or (2) quit. This is because what really needs to happen isn’t going to happen–the problem worker isn’t going to change her behavior, and she isn’t going to get fired over problems with a temporary, part-time worker. Even if the behavior is reported, and the worker is admonished or even punished, the daily situation isn’t going to get much better. Indeed, it’s likely that the atmosphere will be even more hostile. I wish I thought there was a better solution, but being a part-timer–and especially one who is apparently temporary–just puts her in a weak position.</p>
<p>^^^
Am I missing something? Why does no one think the manager will do anything. No, she won’t get fired BUT maybe this has been a pattern with this girl and everyone just slinks away. Maybe the manager can address this. I would follow the level of authority, and if the manager does nothing then quit. Maybe this 20 something has run others off and the manager didn’t know why they were quitting. It’s a part time job, but a great learning experience for how to deal with issues. I bet a good sum of money he has hints something is going on but doesn’t fully know to what extent ect. She may be part time, but she is entitled to a safe work environment.</p>
<p>Shiloh, I agree with you in theory, but my life experience tells me that it is highly unlikely the manager will do anything. And if he does, it will be to tell the bad worker to knock it off–which she won’t do. She may be less vocal, but the atmosphere will continue to be poisonous. It might be even worse, because the other workers may rally to the bad worker. I guess reporting it to the manager may be the right thing to do, but I wouldn’t advise it unless and until the daughter is ready to quit if it doesn’t help.</p>
<p>I just re-read the OP. Am I correct in surmising that your D is either a fellow cashier or perhaps sometimes sacks groceries behind this cashier? If so, at least have your D recognize the mean-mouth has no hire/fire power over her except to try to unnerve her interpersonally.</p>
<p>Has your D ever, just once, responded to this girl’s line by looking her straight in the eye and saying loud enough to be heard by others, “Oh, stop. Just stop.” No conversations, just a 4-word reply where 2 of the words are identical. Keeping it simple here.</p>
<p>Role-play at home.</p>
<p>I also wondered about the mommy thing. Have you made it a habit to get involved in daughters problems? Word gets around and mean coworker may know somebody who told a story…did D get anybody in trouble in HS for anything? Or maybe D mentioned you buying her things or helping her. (Nice clothes? A car?) and the girl is jealous. Did you help get her the job in any way?</p>
<p>A new job is an easy enough solution. I’m sure there’s something better out there.</p>
<p>Hunt,
Ok then you are assuming they will rally around the bad worker. You are assuming he won’t handle it completely. I’m saying try, then if what you say happens quit and find another job. Be prepared for that possible outcome. Just sitting there in a hostile environment is demeaning and should not be considered. Why cower? Life is short.</p>
<p>If this young woman is cowering because someone is unpleasant to her, she needs to get a spine. I have never worked in a job where there wasn’t some nasty person. If the coworker steps over the line into violating the law, that’s one thing, but this doesn’t sound like that. Also, I wonder if the co-worker singles out the OP’s daughter or is a monster to everyone.</p>
<p>I agree with Hunt that being a non-permanent employee means that the daughter likely will not get the results the mom would like.</p>