Dear CC -- awkward social situation

Parent Cafe
41

<p>I don’t know why I’m stepping up to this plate, but rather than making a bunch of assumptions, why not just ask the OP:</p>

<ol>
<li> Is there any valid reason for this new girlfriend to feel threatened? In other words, do you think that maybe the boyfriend still carries a torch, even a little bic lighter, for your daughter?<br></li>
</ol>

<p>If so, new GF’s mom still doesn’t have the right to try to tell other people who to associate with, but at least we can see that she isn’t completely insane with her insecurities, that there is a reason for her oddball request.</p>

<ol>
<li> Is there any reason for new GF’s mom to believe that BF and BF’s ex-mom (that’s you) are colluding to get them back together again? Again, even if that’s true, new-mom still doesn’t have a right to tell you what to do, but at least there would be a modicum of rationality to her thinking.</li>
</ol>

42

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<p>Is it possible that the gf’s mom is mentally ill?</p>

<p>Be that as it may, you must not imo disrupt your plans or your family’s longstanding, friendly arrangements with others because of this mom’s desire to control her D’s high-school relationship.</p>

<p>And, of course, you would be doing the mom and her D no favors whatsoever by in any way appeasing or gratifying her in her controlling behavior. Trying to control everything and everyone is not the path to healthy long-term relationships, neither for the mom nor for her D.</p>

43

<p>CGM; You said; “that the OP not do these group get togethers with the EX, because Mom C daughter is feeling left out”. No where in the OP did it say the daughter was feeling left out. It said that the “MOM” didn’t want her daughter to feel left out. VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.</p>

<p>Look, this is a forum. Forums are great places to learn from others, share experiences, ask questions, etc… But the number 1 unwritten rule of forums; and this is not directed to you CGM or even the OP directly; is that you never ask advice on personal matters. Why? Because a forum is made up entirely of strangers. People who may or may not be representing themselves truthfully. That “Lonelyboysmom” login could just as easily be a 55 year old pervert man lurking the sites. If you need advice about “Personal” matters, you should talk to a trusted friend, relative, professional, business associate, etc… Not some stranger on the internet.</p>

<p>As far as this topic goes, YES the OP should blow the whole thing off and not do a damn thing. If the 3rd girl has a problem; which NO ONE HAS SAID SHE DOES; then that is between her and the other 2 kids or her and her mom. Your kid’s problem is NOT MY PROBLEM. Now, if the OP’s daughter has a problem with this situation, then that’s between her and her daughter, or her daughter and the other kids. Teach your kids to deal with life. Teach them to handle their own problems. Teach them not to rely on others. Teach them to ask for help and not to let others BUTT IN without being asked. I.e. If I wanted your help, I would ask for it (Said by the daughter). </p>

<p>OP, don’t make more out of this than it needs to be. YOU are the adult here. If you can’t handle such a minor problem with another parent, then I don’t know what you are going to find here. If you really feel you need to talk to someone, then call up your sister, other girlfriend, co-worker, etc… Don’t ask a bunch of strangers that only know about 5% of the real story based on a couple of sentences.</p>

44

<p>This thread is hysterical. Wow. Some posters should do a word count. J/k.</p>

<p>Anyway, the new girlfriend would probably die of embarrassment if she knew that her mother interfered in this way. It is way out of line. Its up to the new girl to speak up if she has a problem. She may have already known that her new b.f. still sees his ex in a “family setting” before she even became the new g.f.</p>

<p>Jeez, the girls are in 9th grade, and the boy is in 10th., the new g.f.‘s mom needs to get a life. (Maybe she’s jealous of the other 2 moms’ friendship, lol)</p>

45

<p>AMEN Choco. (Hows that for a word count). LOL!!!</p>

46

<p><a href=“Maybe%20she’s%20jealous%20of%20the%20other%202%20moms’%20friendship,%20lol”>quote=chocoholic</a>

[/quote]
A “mom” crush. Yep, I can see it clearly now.</p>

47

<p>Okay, I confess that I was extremely clingy and insecure in HS. I grew up eventually, but it took awhile. I had a steady bf throughout HS and into college. BF’s mother wasn’t thrilled with me. One year, after we’d been dating a couple years, bf’s mother asked him to take a friend’s D to the prom at her school because she didn’t have a date. I knew the parents would love to get their kids together, and I had a fit. It seemed manipulative and inconsiderate. BF’s mother thought I was all those things I was - insecure, feeling left out, etc. In the end, bf said no and told him mother to stay out of it.</p>

<p>So, I do understand a bit about mixed signals, HS romances, and all that goes with it. However, in this case, it is the mother of the girl asking the mother of the EX - I think it is none of her business, and if the girl has a problem with it, she should be talking with her bf. I suggest that if the mom and her friend want to go to a show together, by all means, continue. But maybe they shouldn’t automatically include the kids - let the kids decide among themselves who wants to go where. My personal feeling is that the bf will have to decide if it’s worth it to him to consider new gf’s feelings. His choice. His consequences.</p>

48

<p>…omg…</p>

49

<p>Well, since this thread won’t die, I’ll share what I sent in a p.m. about the mom’s actions </p>

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50

<p>The only and I mean the <em>only</em> way I can even make sense out of all this is if the two moms in question were extremely close, intimate friends. In that case, sometimes there really is a “if you are not with me you are against me” mentality, as dopey as that may sound (even to the person making the unreasonable demands). Not justified on ANY level, but one of those “feelings just <em>are</em>…” scenarios. </p>

<p>I agree with the person who said they were all too young in the first place.</p>

51

<p>One of the things I think kids today do better than we did as teens and college students is boy/girl friendships. I know some parents who don’t believe this and think that any time a male and female past the age of puberty are “just friends,” reality is that one has a crush on the other and is biding his/her time. When someone in a “relationship” does spend time with a member of the opposite sex, then it is automatically wrong and a kind of betrayal, especially if the opposite-sex friend is one with whom there was a spark previously. </p>

<p>These are the same people who don’t want male cops to have female partners or male and female colleagues to go on a business trip together. Or in that case that made the news, share a bunker in a submarine. </p>

<p>I think the mom who made the request probably falls in that camp.The OP is someone who doesn’t. </p>

<p>But whichever camp you are in, it is up to the kids to determine the rules governing their relationship for themselves. It may be the girl in the relationship shares her mom’s world view–but it can be equally true that she does not. I know a dad who refused to believe that his D’s friendship with a fellow engineering student was “just” a friendship, and thought that her boyfriend was a weakling for failing to “take a stand.” Both the D and her BF (who was not in engineering) thought dad was totally nuts. (Had the BF “taken a stand” in the manner dad thought was appropriate, the girl would have dumped him in a nanosecond.) </p>

<p>If a guy’s going to “cheat”–I find it hard to use that term for “relationships” at age 14 or 15–then he’s going to cheat. Moms and dads can’t stop it. We all have this impulse to wrap our kids in bubble wrap so they won’t get hurt, but that just doesn’t work. The mom who made the request has stepped out of bounds in my book, and I think the OP should ignore the request. However, she might ask her D if she would mind if she gave the other mom the idea that the D has a crush on someone else and thus really isn’t the least bit interested in the boy romantically. I’d bet a lot if the D had a new BF, the other mom wouldn’t be concerned.</p>

52

<p>Given this involves a junior high romance, I’m thinking that by now that romance is over and the whole issue is moot.</p>

53

<p>I"m finding it hard to hear the music and orchestra with all this chatting… ;)</p>

54

<p>Christcorp post #36 - way to cut through the clutter! I think you about summed it up.</p>

<p>collegemom16- to add to your profile of how “boys this age” think. Quote from DS’ friend to his mom, when DS and friend were talking about how to handle telephone calls from girls in middle school: “Mom, we have to be nice to them now. Because if we’re not, they might not call us in high school… when we actually care.” </p>

<p>I realize <em>some</em> poster might step up and point out that this boy is in hs. To which I say, “So what?” The girls are in MS. The moms are friends. The families are friends. The families should continue to socialize if, how and when they want, with or without the kids present. If a middle school/high school romance - WHICH INVOLVES NEITHER OF THESE MOTHER’S CHILDREN - falls by the wayside as a result, well… que sera, sera.</p>

55

<p>“The kids involved aren’t in jr. high anymore. The girls are 9th graders and the boy is a 10th grader.”</p>

<p>Let’s remember that the OP is new to this forum and play nice or we’ll never see her again.</p>

56

<p>lets look at what the OP has said is going on, shall we</p>

<p>Her D had a BF while she was in 8th grade and he was in 9th</p>

<p>They were together for awhile and then brokeup but are still friends, who get together socially in planned and unplanned ways- not often, but often enough</p>

<p>THe OP and the boys family have stayed friends, and the younger sister adores the Boy, </p>

<p>There are other female types in the picture, the girls seem to be friends, but may not see each other alot</p>

<p>All has been going along swimmingly- OP likes the moms involved, and there doesn’t seem to be any issues- the future New GF’s mom doesn’t seem to have any issues involving the friendships</p>

<p>We don’t know about communication among all the kids in this day of modern technology- IMing, texting, facebook, myspace, email, seems most likely that some sort of talking, as is natural among friends is going on (now that can’t be a huge leap)</p>

<p>Any ways, girls seem to have fun together when together…fast forward to one month ago</p>

<p>something new happened to stir up emotions for some involved</p>

<p>you have a new BF/GF relationship (and if you don’t think these can be emotionally serious at that age for some kids, look around some more)</p>

<p>now, in that last month (which again in teen land is a lifetime) the mom of the new GF has approached the OPs D (ex gf) about the GF being left out- asking to stop doing the social things getting the BF and his Ex together, and another time, asking that maybe her D could be included</p>

<p>At no time in the OPs posts did she say this was normal behavior for this mom and that she in fact liked the mom</p>

<p>So, this mom, out of nowhere, makes the requests…</p>

<p>Now, being a mom types- I don’t think we can just tell the OP to totally blow off the GFs mom just like that</p>

<p>The OP has already immersed herself in these kids relationships by getting the kids together, etc, that is part her doing, innocent or not- if she is doing the inviting, getting the tickets, or making the suggestions to get the kids together to see shows, the OP has already involved herself, no getting away from that </p>

<p>Again, as the mother is already involved with the children, in their lives to a degree, she should maybe understand a bit where the other mom is coming from</p>

<p>Yes, what the other mother asked was over the line, surely, but that DOESN"T mean that she may not feel a basis for asking</p>

<p>You have a totally new dynamic going on with a bunch of ninth graders, that disrupted the status quo- and very often, that disruption can cause hurt feelings, confusion, jealousy, etc no matter how swell everyone appears to be getting along</p>

<p>I am not saying the OP did anything wrong, not at all, but to think that when you have a bunch of teen girls and a boy who is the ex of one and friends with the others, and he pairs off with one, to not think that POSSIBLY there might be some behind the scenes stuff going on is naive</p>

57

<p>Kathie, I think the posters have played nice to the OP and if anything, most are supporting her all the way and saying let the kids decide for themselves who they want to spend time with and she should have no qualms spending time with who she wants and that the other mom should not have gotten involved. Also, while the OP has no prior posts on CC, SOMETIMES, regular members who desire to post a personal dilemma, have done so temporarily under another name. The poster may or may not be new to CC. Just a possibility.
PS, that said, my D is close friends with her prior boyfriends.</p>

58

<p>jmmom that quote is adorable…if only they knew that even in high school they will only care sometimes…when they are not eating, or scratching, or playing video games, or looking at some other hot chick…LOL.</p>

59

<p>I also thought the quote was funny and I don’t even have a son.</p>

60

<p>sooviet, does your D go out socially with her Exes when they have new GFs?</p>

<p>being friends with exes is wonderful, obviouslly, but continuing to “date” them when broken up or when they get a new GF is quite another thing</p>