Dear CC -- awkward social situation

Parent Cafe
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<p>citygirlsmom: Just thought I’d throw in a kid’s perspective (I’m not quite the age of these kids, but still close to that age than most people here :wink: ):</p>

<p>I have a boyfriend at college. He has many female friends from home who he either dated or had really huge crushes on for longer periods of time/came close to dating/etc. He still hangs out with some of these girls when he goes home (including in one-on-one situations), because some of them are his really good friends. And guess what? That does NOT bother me at all. Just as it does not bother HIM that when I go home I hang out with exes and people I had serious crushes on (including, for instance, going alone to a movie with on of the latter) for the same reason.</p>

<p>I trust him. He trusts me. And, if for some reason what he was doing bothered me, I would be REALLY humiliated if my mom ran interferance for me (and that would have been true in highschool too).</p>

<p>Likewise, in highschool I was really close to some of my exes, just as friends. I don’t think this ever bothered any of the BFs that came after (or if it did, they failed to talk to me about it, which was their own problem).</p>

<p>So, I guess, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that maybe the new GF does not have a problem, and it is even LESS unreasonable to think that if there is a problem, the GF should be talking to the BF (and maybe also the OP’s kid), and the moms should stay out of it.</p>

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<p>Weskid: You said it perfectly.</p>

<p>CGM: Yes, I do believe many of us would be sensitive to the insecurities of a teenage girl, but family friends, even those who were once significant others, are a fact of life. I don’t think you can extrapolate from our support of OP that we are totally callous to new GF.</p>

<p>As Weskid says, my daughter would not talk to me for a month if I ran interference for her.</p>

<p>And why would this mom approach OP and not the other mom of the boy if she really has a problem? I don’t think that would be appropriate either, but it would make more sense than the situation as presented.</p>

<p>BTW: Some of my best friends have been wives of old boyfriends.</p>

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<p>cgm: what is your view of the events described in post #26?</p>

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<p>Oh, these are current HSers (albeit young ones). Sorry, I didn’t catch that! </p>

<p>I don’t think anyone is downplaying the fact that the GF could conceivably be feeling exactly the way CGM says, but IMO it should still be between the GF and the BF - the mom getting involved is out of line. I can see how the new GF and even her mother may feel - I just can’t see the mother saying anything about it.</p>

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<p>I have two boys and a girl. One of the boys is in kindergarten, so we’ll leave him out of this for now. The other two, one in college and one in h.s., have each had romantic relationships. (And for the social survey running through this link, each of them has done a little dating, and a little of the capital-R Relationship thing.)</p>

<p>What I’m checking in to say that under no circumstances would either of my teenagers consider doing anything that involved me and a family friend/mom and her child a DATE, regardless of any past romantic involvement. </p>

<p>I’d like to think any kid in her right mind - even accounting for the awful things hormones do to those minds at that age - could basically understand the difference between (1) “going out” with an ex and (2) “GOING TO A SHOW WITH MY MOM, (insert name here) AND HER MOM :::affectionate eyeroll indicating feelings about the whole mom-thing::::”</p>

<p>Speaking for my family, I’d sure feel that maintaining longstanding interests and longstanding friendships is more important - and more important to model - than disrupting a tradition to accommodate someone who isn’t part of that tradition. Of course no one would set up this situation IN ORDER to upset another friend’s kid! And the suggestion to include her some time is quite kind. </p>

<p>But to stop the theater outings, when it’s something both families enjoy, is very definitely not a choice I would make. I think it sends a message that an adolescent romance is more important than adult friendships, family friendships, and fun mutual interests. It’s not. It’s important, and developmentally appropriate, but it isn’t at the top of the list. </p>

<p>JMHO!</p>

<p>*thank whatever deity you thank, when you feel thankful.</p>

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<p>sorry! some text got dropped when I was editing that post. just ignore the asterisk, please.</p>

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<p>

Exactly, HarrietM. Exactly.</p>

<p>Anyone analyzing this thing as though it involves “dating” “ex-es” and comparing it to adults and how they relate to ex-spouses. Well… I guess I can refer such persons back to curmudgeon’s and ADad’s questions: Are you on drugs? [paraphrasing here] Is there a screw loose somewhere?</p>

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<p>My headache has now reached “ice cream” levels.</p>

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<p>Very good point. In fact, even when I go out with my current BF, if any memeber of his or my family is there, I consider it in no way, shape, or form a “date”!</p>

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<p>JmMom…I was thinking the same thing as far as the comparison with spouses talking to their exes! Hardly a comparison to fourteen year olds. </p>

<p>As well, I had also made the point that this is not like the boy is going on a date with the old GF, he is going on a family outgoing with their moms that they had been doing for years, pre-dating, and their families AND the kids are choosing, maturely, to remain friends.</p>

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<p>I realize the OP asked for advice and all angles and perspectives have been offered but I wonder why some care THIS much about it. It isn’t that big of a deal to care THAT much. I hardly think it is worth debate to this level of emotion. I hope OP can come back and let us know how it is going. </p>

<p>Ya know, I was thinking, when I was down in New York to see D’s show about ten days ago, and old BF came to see it to support her, he gave me a big hug. No, he had no GF with him at the time but I can betcha if he did have one accompanying him, he’d still give me that hug. And if I recall, my D has said in the past he has come to see her shows with a girlfriend.</p>

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<p>Well soozie, that’s my ideal world. I did look up The Box and would love to see your D myself.</p>

<p>I ditto your observation about the level of emotion.</p>

<p>My poor H has been subjected to several ex-boyfriends, and I have socialized with both his ex-wives. And I can say he has good taste!</p>

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<p>**CGM, Read Post # 26 **</p>

<p>The OP went to another musical recently with other friends + her D + her D’s friend (girl) .They ran into BOY and his family, and chatted. Well, the new G.F’s mom, finds out, and tells OP that she didn’t think OP should have taken this other girl to the show because this other girl is also one of her daughter’s friends !!! </p>

<p>The OP has stated that she and her D have not actually gone out with her friend and friend’s S since the S started dating the new gf.</p>

<p>Okay, tell me this mom does not have problems. She just wants her D to have friends. She is shopping for friends. Boys or girls. No-one else should be friends with her D’s friends.</p>

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<p>well, go after me all you want, even the OP said the double date idea was feasible to consider</p>

<p>egad, imagine that</p>

<p>make fun, its okay, but I will bet you I am closer to the truth than any of you with how the KIDS are seeing what is going on, and after all, isnt’ this about the kids,no wait, it is all about the moms, forgot about that</p>

<p>as for post 26, if that is the post about the play or whatever, again, the mom shouoldn’t have said anything, but I would bet you something is going on with the girls that the mom’s are clueless about</p>

<p>there are ways girls snub each other that moms don’t see, and PERHAPS the new GFs mom is sensing that and handled it badly, she wouldn’t be the first mom to cross that line</p>

<p>I once, shot me know, talked to a mom about her chilld…the girls were in 7th grade…that mom probablly thought I crosses that line, but her D was being incredibly cruel to my D…should have let them handle in retrospect, but I did say something</p>

<p>And I can bet not one of you as never at least TEMPTED to step in for your kid…and if you say, never, you aren’t being honest</p>

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<p>I take this seriously, because you all seem to think the mom would never ever have any reason at all to worry about her D and that she is some crazy lady who is to be ignored</p>

<p>And I am saying, that often there is much more going on and mom’s are sometimes clueless to how kids are treating each other under our radar, and we, as the mature adults, should consider that possibility</p>

<p>guess some think those considerations aren’t necessary</p>

<p>I am not saying the GFs mom was right in what she requested, or that she handled it right, however, for her to say this out of the blue like that, after seems to be years of normal interactions, perhaps the OP should take a gander around her to see what might have set off the request</p>

<p>Is that so unreasonable to some, that the OP, as an adult, shouldn’t just ignore what might have set this mom off to request what she did?</p>

<p>to washdad, if a mom came up to you, and said your child was treating or you were treating a childs friend badly, wouldn’t you at least consider what brought that on</p>

<p>and sooviet, you are dealing with college kids, we are talking HS kids, and I never said it was rational, I said it was common and normal, that there could be some residual feelings going on here</p>

<p>Is that something you don’t think is at least possible in a small circle like the OPs</p>

<p>Seems some don’t even want to ponder that other things can be going on, and that the mom had no reason to say what she did, none whatsoever</p>

<p>Whatever, I surrender that you all have these perfect breakups and perfect kids who never dealt with other kids in any kind of mean fashion, in your bubble worlds, with no drama amongst teens that you never new about</p>

<p>toodles</p>

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<p>Speaking for myself, I never said the mom shouldn’t worry about her D IF her D is upset about something. I just don’t think she should have meddled with the OP in that situation. I mentioned earlier that IF her D is upset about it, she could advise her D to talk to her boyfriend about it. Depending on his reaction, the mom could advise her D further. The mom’s request of the OP is what was not reasonable. Also, we don’t know how the kids are treating one another but it sounded like they were all friends. </p>

<p>CGM, now you say I am dealing with college kids but you ASKED me about my D’s relationship with her exes and I related about a couple of her major BF’s so far in life and both were boyfriends of hers during HS…one when she was 14/15 and one when she was 15/16 and then the first one was her BF again IN college at 16/17. In any case, some of this stuff that is being talked about is immature young teen stuff and not really the mature way of dealing with it (mom getting involved…also even the idea that one’s BF can’t go on family outing with old GF who was long time friends of BF’s family).</p>

<p>I was thinking tonight of a funny example of staying friends with an ex. My D dated a boy last year in college. She was 18, he 21. They are good friends now but not dating. Recently, they were in final callbacks for a musical. In the final callback, my D was up for the lead female in the show which is a 12 year old character and the boy whom she had dated was up for the role of an adult male who molests her and they had to act the scene in the callback. It wasn’t, ahem, so hard to “act.” LOL and they came out of the room rollicking in laughter once in the hallway as the casting team would have had no idea that they knew each other “intimately” and were able to “act” it so comfortably. They both have been cast in these roles. It came in handy to still be friends with this guy because had they not remained friends, the audition would not have come off so comfortably for them. She is good friends with every ex boyfriend except the middle school one who would not ever acknowledge her which shows the petty level of middle school relationships.</p>

<p>And mythmom, if you ever are THAT interested in seeing my D in something in NYC, you can ask me privately…she is cast in a two leads right now in musicals, and is musically directing and pianist for a professional piece written by a Tony-nominated composer/playwright in NYC which actually is being performed again Sunday night and is free. That’s not the same thing at The Box which is very very late at night.</p>

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<p>CGM…one more thing…now that I read post #26…it seems to me that the GF’s mom is trying to control what goes on between the kids and who talks to who and who is on an outing with whom for fear her D might get jealous or upset. I don’t think that is her role. IF her D is bothered by such things, she can counsel her D about her feelings, explain what is reasonable or appropriate, and how to deal with it. She can’t control what the kids do and with whom. She can help her D to deal with the issues that do arise between young teens and sometimes get them emotionally in a tizzy. She needs to be the mature one and help her D deal with it and not go down to the middle school type level of behaving herself.</p>

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<p>I’ll add another anecdote of girls (my daughters) who enjoy being in the company of their exes (for the most part). For some, it took them longer to move past the awkwardness… with others, it was mutual to remain friends. </p>

<p>Frankly, I think it shows a sign of maturity when exes can remain friends. If others have a problem with it, then it’s their problem, and why would they want to stay with someone who they are obviously not well-suited for? IF, and I say IF, the new girlfriend is complaining to her mom, then she’s being too clingy with the new boyfriend, which will scare him off even more. </p>

<p>Also, I think the way the OP asked the original question… ‘is this reasonable’, says much to her maturity. She didn’t come out dissing the mom, labeling her as crazy, etc., asking how she could best intervene, etc.</p>

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<p>many posters labled the mom crazy (to paraphrase), and yes the mom shoudl counsel her daughter if the daughter is feeling bad, of course she should and the mom shouldn’t have, for the ten thousandth time, said anything</p>

<p>that being said, that does NOT mean the OP shouldn’t look around her and see if she sees any thing amiss in her own camp</p>

<p>wow, you are really harsh on the new GF…and the mom…yes, she should have handled it differently, if something is going on</p>

<p>However, the OP said she used to be close to this mom, and the OP said she liked her, but as the kids are in different schools etc., don’t see each other as much anymore</p>

<p>And then the mother, who probably felt comfortable saying something, though again, she should have not said anything, did because something is going on</p>

<p>The OP has these two instances of overstepping the lines, and was close to the mom in the past</p>

<p>Did this mom, in the past, try and control the situations, OP never said she did, and because she gave another example, I think she would have said yes this is typical of her</p>

<p>And sometimes, hanging out with the Ex is not clean and simple, many times there are still feelings there on on side or the other</p>

<p>And sometimes, people get upset when their Ex starts dating a friend</p>

<p>And sometimes, girls can get snippy about that, but all looks normal and fine to Mom</p>

<p>But hey, never ever could any of things be the slightest bit possible at all, oh no, never ever…</p>

<p>When something comes out of the blue, from left field, sometimes, there is a dabble of truth to it</p>

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<p>Do you think that the OP shouldn’t even consider where this mother might be coming from, and even consider that maybe, just maybe something might be going on with the girls involved, or do you think the OP shouldn’t bother herself with even thoughts of not all well in Pleasantville?</p>

<p>I had a mom say something to me once about my younger D, it came out of left field too, and I was a bit taken aback, but I didn’t just dismiss what the mom said, turns out she wasn’t’ that far off about what was going on, and it was hard for me to admit, and I took care of business on my end.</p>

<p>If the mom had been wrong, I would have understood her intentions- which were to protect her daughter…</p>

<p>Again, mom shouldn’t have stepped in that way and tried to meddle in the other mom’s life</p>

<p>But just because it was handled poorly, doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t see if there might be something going on she is unaware of in teen girl land</p>

<p>Is that too much to ask of the OP, to keep her eyes and ears open to see if there indeed might be some girl stuff happening?</p>

<p>Guess some think it is to much to ask</p>

<p>Some of you are acting like you have never been tempted to say something to another mom about how their kids are being, or that you never wanted to just say something to some other parent, that you have never wanted to pick up that phone and made that call, sure most parents don’t do it, but many are very very tempted</p>

<p>Yes mom shouldn’t have asked what she did…but if you think she wasn’t doing what many of you have probably, at least in the back of your minds, wanted to do, you are not being honest</p>

<p>I look at “the say it here because you can’t say it directly thread”, and I know I am right</p>

<p>Sometimes people make mistakes and say something they shouldn’t have, but do it with the best intentions and it comes out all funky because they are emotional at the moment</p>

<p>Guess some here wouldn’t take anything like that into consideration…nope, this is the perfect crowd who has perfect children with perfect friends and never slip up and do something stupid in the name of their offspring</p>

<p>Some pretty high and mighty folks here, who think that they would never have said something dumb, and can only focus on what the mom said, and ignore the bigger picture</p>

<p>If you ever read any meangirl books, most moms are oblvious to what their girls are doing to each other,( and it can be very subtle,) and the GF, a FRIEND of her Ds, to think, hmmm, maybe it is all great and the GF is just jealous, or maybe, just maybe, there IS something happening that caused the mom to approach me like that</p>

<p>Do you really think the OP should just ignore what was behind what the mom asked? The mom may be totally off base, but to just dismiss her concerns out of hand, when the OP herself is setting up these little get togethers, is jsut mean</p>