I agree with @NJSue . Unless the change in major completely rearranges the student’s entire life, such as added a year of college or a move to a DIFFERENT college, a different financial contribution from the parents, it’s really not as huge a betrayal as some think it is for the student to just…change. Most kids probably talk this over with profs and advisors, who presumably have more life experience than they do, and think they’re making a sensible decision, whether or not they get the parents’ approval. I don’t think parents should have the right to dictate their kids’ entire life by forcing them into a major they don’t want. It doesn’t lead to anything but resentment. Parents can’t have it both ways-letting kids be independent and making other life choices, but forcing them to comply with the PARENTS’ choice of college, major and career because they’re “too young to know”.
I don’t know if above poster @Homesteader required their student to major in a certain subject and never change because they paid for college or because their earlier support meant, to them, that student should never ever change her goals, or if their definition of family is such that parents get to tell the kids what to do no matter their age, accomplishments or level of self-support. But they say: “There was no way she could have been more destructive to our parent-child relationship.”
Of course there is. Changing a major as a college student isn’t even in the top of the 100. The D didn’t commit a crime, didn’t get pregnant and drop out, isn’t an alcoholic, isn’t on drugs, isn’t doing any number of terrible things that humans do to each other. She…changed her major. And the parents went nuclear. No wonder the D has barely spoken to them. I feel sorry for all of them.
I have some real life experience with this. My ex’s father refused to pay for the major he wanted-music, and would only support engineering (my former FIL and MIL’s profession). My ex was an accomplished musician already on a record before he finished HS who happened to like coding. Ex gave in and became a programmer. He and his father were never close again. Ex retired early and plays music professionally now. But he lost decades of doing what he loved because of his father, and in complying, lost respect for his father as well. That’s the flip side to having a kid toe the line set down by controlling parents. The “heartbroken” parents above who feel that their D wants them only on the outside looking in might want to consider that.
Do you mean to say that you stretched your finances and/or compromised what you could offer to your other kids to accommodate her original desires, and then found that such accommodations were “wasted” when she changed to something else? That seems to be what you are hinting at, but do not state explicitly.
The assumption I have is that @Homesteader 's kid would have had to make up her mind at what, 15-16 years of age for the whole family to have been putting a lot of energy into her chosen path? Hardly anyone can choose their life’s path and career at that age, and it is ridiculous to expect it. It also sounds like the parents overextended on cost for kid #1’s education. But that is on you as a parent – your mistake. We see a lot of these situations out here. Most parents (sensibly) don’t blow all their resources on the first kid, even if the kid wants them to. You can’t blame a 17 year old for this.
I feel the need to clarify something … while I truly believe that students need to sit down and discuss their plans with their parents when their parents are footing the bill, I also believe that it is unfair (and selfish) for parents to dictate that their children must follow a certain career path designated by the parents. Students should absolutely have a say in their lives. Sit down and work through the struggles and try to reach a compromise. However, if a student does have those ridiculously controlling parents, I would suggest getting the degree your parents demand, get a job, and go back to school and get whatever degree you want - and pay for it yourself. There are many, many people in this world who have changed careers. There are also many, many people who have a career in one field who moonlight as actors, musicians, artists, dancers, writers, etc. Being secretive isn’t going to help the parent-child relationship, and it puts the power back in the hands of the parents regardless of what the student thinks.
Obviously there are numerous ways she could have been more destructive to the relationship than switching majors. For example, the student described at http://torontolife.com/city/crime/jennifer-pan-revenge/ lied to her parents about attending college and hired hit men to kill them, rather than admit the lie. That was an extreme example, but nearly half of students do drop out of college. Many students completely change at college in ways that their parents don’t like. Many students develop problems with drugs/alcohol, negative relationships, unplanned pregnancy, sexual assault, violence (including with parents), getting arrested, severe mental illness (depression/anxiety), partying to the point of failing classes, etc. In short, there are far worse things that not discussing changing majors.
Different families have different types of relationships. In many (likely most) families, what you described is common. Kids living away from home often don’t go into much detail about what is going on at school. For example, when I was attending college, my only interaction with my parents was a weekly telephone call that lasted no more than 1 hour. I did not consult with them before declaring a major or choosing classes. Instead I let them know about my plans later on. Sometimes these plans surprised them, such as when I mentioned I was taking he pre-med track classes. They seemed fine with this level of involvement, so long as I graduated quickly. I realize most parents on this forum are probably more involved in their children’s college plans and would want to have more related interaction. That’s fine, but sometimes it’s necessary to more explicitly state what is expected or when you have a problem with the situation.
My father tried to dictate to me that I should become a computer programmer. Perhaps if he had been paying for my education, I might have agreed to take a beginning course to see if I liked it but since I was paying for it all myself, I refused to spend a penny on a computer class. I did change my major several times but all in pursuit of my ultimate goal of becoming a lawyer, which I accomplished. I have never regretted not going into computers, but my refusal to follow my father’s prescribed course further damaged an already tenuous relationship and we were never close until his death 30 years later.
At the same time that I was dealing with my dad, my cousin was going through a similar ordeal with his mother, who wanted him to become a doctor. He wanted to be an accountant. His parents (dad was a CPA) were paying his full freight so he felt like he had to what she wanted. He and I brainstormed and he decided to discuss with him mom the concept of taking accounting/business courses so that when he became a doctor, he could follow the books and make sure he wasn’t ripped off. Then, he deliberately blew his MCAT’s so badly he didn’t even get into Guadalajara. His mom was upset but my cousin passed all 6 parts of the CPA exam on the first try. He is very happy as an accountant and his mom told the entire family that it was HER idea for her H and son to have a practice together!
I feel badly for a poster like @Homesteader and his/her family. My father’s refusal to get over my choices differing from his meant that my kids really never knew their grandparents.
When I suddenly realized, in my junior year of college, that I would never graduate with my intended major, I consulted my parents and school academic counselor for advice. So glad I did that! I was able to graduate on time with a great plan in place in a major that worked/did the trick of graduating from college. I have fulfilled my academic dreams but not with the major that I first anticipated. Parents can add insight and support in many case. But from what I read here on CC, many families do not have such a supportive and respectful dynamic. It goes both ways- parents and children.
My oldest changed his major and advisor three times before junior year, but once he settled down he got it done in the four years. He would talk about it in generalities while he struggled to settle into one major, but all three kids knew I was more concerned with them completing a degree regardless of what that major was than which major they chose. I told them to choose a major they enjoyed and they all three ultimately did do that. I will say if I thought the major was a bad fit, or would add no value to where I knew they were headed industry and career wise I would probably speak my opinion but I don’t believe parents should have veto power.
To answer some questions…our kid really did make up her mind by like age 10 what she wanted, and held onto it this long. Part 2, its not the cost of the education at all, nor that this will suddenly cost us more or take more time, that’s petty stuff…she went from something that already took some getting used to, something we would not have chosen for her by any means (we have always supported our kids own choices, NOT made choices FOR THEM, and we supported HER CHOICES), and decided to go into a DANGEROUS field without discussing it at all. This has implications far greater than something as stupid as “I want to be a teacher now, not an accountant”. She has chosen something that will affect everything from where she lives to if she can even have a family in some normal sense of the word. I think any of you saying “well, you’re helicoptering” may not have grasped the desperation in my post, that my kid has chosen something completely life altering. Yes, changing a major CAN affect a parent child relationship in that drastic of a sense if I feel my kid could get killed someday for her choice. As a parent, it is entirely warranted that I am worried that she chose something without us that WILL affect her entire future. I am surprised some of you could just assume it was that we were hovering over a flippant issue, just because it may have been a flippant issue for YOU…Lord, that is the furthest thing from what happened.
So you’re going to punish your child for realizing that what they thought they wanted as a young child no longer fits their goals. O…k. You’re speaking in generalities, but the only careers I can think of that’s DANGEROUS and limits where a person can live and how they raise a family would be law enforcement or military. My son came home after HS one day to say he’d enlisted. No, he didn’t ask permission, and yes, his father and I were shocked, as he’d always been a bit of a rule challenger. My ex and I were also very anti-war, no guns in the house, all of that.
Instead of being shocked to the point the we barely spoke to him, we were proud of him. Terrified, sometimes, and that one midnight phone call he made to me nearly caused a heart attack, but I am proud to say that I am a vet’s mom and that my son served.
Keep telling yourself this: Our children are not our property, and have minds of their own. If we did our jobs well as parents, they will do good things and be good people, regardless of what they do in life. Your anger at your daughter is coming from a place of fear. Own it, then let her go out and life her life. It IS her life, after all, not yours.
Historically, one of the most dangerous jobs has a 9% death rate on the job to homicide, and 9% death rate on the job to other causes. Yet it is a highly desired job.
Let me see if I can comprehend the @Homesteader posts. Her daughter decided at age 10 exactly what she wanted to be in life, and though parents would not have chosen such a field ‘by any means,’ by gosh, since she was determined, they agreed to pay for her college. Then daughter shifted to some major even worse, so bad that she may not even have a family, that she may get killed.
Many of these posts have been about switching from engineering to math, or turning a back on a set career like nursing or accounting, and choosing biology or history. I am curious at to what the specific majors (the bad and the worse) Homesteader is referring to. I read nothing explicit about the military or law enforcement.
The most dangerous occupations are loggers, fishermen, aircraft pilots, and roofers. (Per a quick check on the Interweb).
@ucbalumnus That’s the list. And with the exception of some pilots and some police officers, none of the top 20 most dangerous jobs requires a college degree. (A brand new list might include clowns. College kids are after them!) That’s why I am curious about what careers associated with college degrees are deadly. (Diplomat? Astronaut? Accountant for a crime syndicate?)