dilemma

Parent Cafe
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<p>bevhills, I’m not quite understanding what seems to be hesitation or concern with legalities, or with “business” or “complications.” HE NEEDS TO NOT DRIVE. It’s that simple. That is the first thing to take care of – making sure that he never has access to a car. Then you can take care of the license and insurance and whatever else. But first and foremost, he needs to never, ever, ever have access to a car, ever again, beginning today. He is putting the lives of innocent people at risk – with your knowledge.</p>

<p>If you’re trying to find a way to make him like it or even grudgingly agree to it, put that out of your mind. He will never agree to it. And you must do it anyway.</p>

42

<p>ellebud, I’m interpreting your posts as you venting more than you looking for advice. That the case? Because opinion has been consistent on what you should do, and how you certainly do not owe your uncle anything, nor are you behaving badly by refusing to get him a car. </p>

<p>A piece of wisdom I read on another CC “my elderly relative is driving me nuts” thread: adults are allowed to make their own bad decisions. For your uncle, the bad decisions include refusing to accept help that’s being offered, and refusing to find a way to get around the city without driving himself. You can’t fix this. That’s a pity–and believe me, I know what it’s like to try to find ways to help people who don’t want to be helped even when they desperately NEED help.</p>

<p>Apologies if I’m misinterpreting, hang in there.</p>

43

<p>I really don’t think the history or ethnicity of anyone involved matters. The uncle is a selfish jerk who doesn’t seem to care who is hurt or killed by his insistence in living in another world. Any older person’s relative might feel beholden to them or want to help and try and convince family of same, but it’s pretty clear that in this case, no matter WHO uncle was back in the day, he needs to be stopped.</p>

<p>I think OP recognizes that but she’s feeling the pull of her family history all the same. I hope the uncle will take no for an answer and go live out his days without causing anyone harm. He sounds like a real piece of work.</p>

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<p>I think that I WAS searching for the reason that I felt I needed to help him. And the last posts combined rang true. The pull of family obligation, the memory of my mother weighed heavily in our decisions. Mr. Ellebud has been willing to assist in the assistance be it financial or emotional or medically. </p>

<p>We can’t fix this SlitheyTove…you are right. He doesn’t want the help that we want to give him. He wants what we can’t and won’t do. We can’t turn him into a 35 year old man with an unlimited future. I can’t make him a decent man who values relationships and strangers. I have led my life (believe it or not) trying to make our family the best we can be. We have been there for our friends and they for us. And for that I am truly grateful.</p>

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<p>You don’t need to help him because, decades ago, he gave to charities or worked on their behalf. Or because he used to be so very wealthy. Or prominent in his industry.</p>

<p>What are you not saying? You owe him the right to drive recklessly? Some debt?</p>

46

<p>ellebud–</p>

<p>tell your uncle you can’t give him the money for the car right now, because you are putting on the wedding of the century, and that is where your money is going , and 2) tell him you want him to be at the wedding, dancing shoes on and all in one piece.</p>

47

<p>When my mother-in-law lost her license she kept driving. We finally took her car and hid it. She complained about not being able to drive until her dementia got so bad she could no longer talk. You must stand firm. This is not a dilemma.</p>

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<p>How is Los Angeles history, or the uncle’s previous wealth, in any way relevant, bevhills? There’s no context to be had. The man is unfit to drive, he is asking you to buy him a car, your job us to say no. The history of Los Angeles society may be a fascinating topic (bears me) but it’s irrelevant.</p>

49

<p>I am at a loss as to why this is an issue. He’s nearly hit pedestrians. He’s totaled 4 cars. He’s not safe. </p>

<p>If he asks to drive you tell him he’s nearly killed people and he’s not safe. </p>

<p>Period.</p>

50

<p>Elllebud, I sympathize. Went through something similar with both of my parents, although both of them were mentally sharp but physically incapable of driving anymore. I waited a little too long with both and really grappled with the decision . Not because the decision was in question, but because I wanted the fairies to come and fix the situation with no effort or pain on my part. That didnt happen. What did happen with my dad was that he was trying to get in the car outside the doctor’s office and the receptionist saw what was happening and called my husband who came and took the keys permanently. With no effort or pain on my part. And no one got hurt. Mom was in a serious car accident with no injuries and never attempted to drive again. Good luck. I get where you are coming from. Looking for the magic words that will make it all ok.</p>

51

<p>We have done this already. If you need to rant about what a terrible person your uncle is, go right ahead, but let’s not pretend there is even the slightest dilemma about what to do regarding his driving.</p>

52

<p>I also sympathize, because we’ve been through it too. The specifics differ but, bevhills, this issue is emotionally fraught in every family. It is never easy. In fact, I’ve heard it said that this is the hardest thing we ever have to do regarding our seniors. </p>

<p>I think we need to separate two different issues. First, should Uncle be allowed to drive? I think you’re clear on that. He should not.</p>

<p>The second, much more difficult, question is HOW. That’s where I see adult children dancing around the issue, doing anything to avoid incurring the senior’s wrath, or avoid hurting their feelings, or avoid cramping their lifestyle, etc. My own brother was in complete denial about Dad’s obvious driving problems. Other adult children, with their busy lives, and sensing a pitched battle, just don’t want to deal with it. Others don’t want to take that first step into parenting their parents. But the bottom line is the same: An impaired senior continues to drive, while the adult children KNOW that innocent people are at risk. </p>

<p>bevhills, several things helped us as we approached this. First (and I think this is where a lot of families get hung up), we let go of the idea that there was any way to make Dad happy about it. We accepted that he wasn’t going to just cheerfully hand over the keys. We understood that he was going to be upset and that he would disagree with our assessment of his abilities. We decided that no matter how upset he was, it still had to be done. </p>

<p>Second, we armed ourselves with resources before we talked to him. We talked to his doctor. We found out about alternative transportation. We found out where he could get tested (we knew there was no way in hell he’d pass any test; this was to placate him). We did all kinds of online research about how to have this conversation.</p>

<p>And third, we kept the big picture in mind. We’d have an unhappy old man to deal with, sure. But we’d never have our nightmare scenario: That moment when we learned he’d killed someone. That moment when we looked at each other aghast and thought, “Why oh WHY did we let him keep driving?”</p>

<p>This is hard. Don’t expect it not to be. But that’s not a good enough reason not to do it.</p>

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<p>A dilemma should have two choices. There really isn’t one.</p>

54

<p>We also went through this with my elderly mother…she wasn’t as bad of a driver as your uncle, but too old to be on the road. What was difficult for her was giving up her “freedom.”</p>

<p>One day the battery went dead on her car ( from lack of use). My brother ( the one who lived closest) said he would get around to fixing it…haha, he had no intention of getting it fixed. Mom thought he was just very busy and couldn’t get over there. Meanwhile, my sister took her grocery shopping, etc. she gladly accepted the rides because her car wasn’t working…not because it had been “taken away.” It sat in the garage for two years.</p>

<p>Can you get away with telling uncle that you’ll look into it but offer a driver for the meantime? Just keep giving excuses on why you can’t get the money to him just yet. He is 93…you might not need to play this game for too long.</p>

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<p>Get a copy of “the 36 hour Day” by Mace and Rabins [The</a> 36-Hour Day, fifth edition: The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book): Nancy L. Mace, Peter V. Rabins: 9781421402802: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/The-36-Hour-Day-fifth-Alzheimer/dp/1421402807]The”>http://www.amazon.com/The-36-Hour-Day-fifth-Alzheimer/dp/1421402807) and read chapter 4 on “problems with independent living” - specifically the part about when they can no longer drive safely.</p>

<p>And stop responding to his emails. Or at least wait a day or 2 before responding and IGNORE any discussion of a car. Dont feed into the issue.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry, but I just cannot fathom how a 93 year old codger has the ability to actually bully anyone. He can’t actually pose a true physical threat to you, can he? A threat to cut you out of his will wouldn’t have any teeth, given the fact that he has no money. What can he do other than yell? Well heck, yell back! Get in his face and leave no doubt as to who has the power in this equation. There’s a new sheriff in town, and guess what, Uncle Old Coot? You’re not it.</p>

57

<p>Getting him a car would not be helping your uncle. It would be enabling him, essentially putting a loaded weapon in his hands.</p>

<p>Whether he’s Jewish or Gentile, rich or poor, nice or mean is irrelevant. He’s a dangerous driver and, as such, should be taken off the road, both for his own safety and that of the community.</p>

58

<p>I’m wondering if there is some sense of indebtedness to him. But the real favor is to think clearly, on his behalf- and with respect for the others in his path. To me, at this age, with the history and details previously noted, that is the balanced payback. Not indulging him or deciding between guilt and guilt. A proud, good-hearted, intelligent, “no.” Or, “my hands are tied,” or “the city won’t allow us” or whatever it takes.
Would you ride with him or let your children? I doubt it.</p>

59

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<p>This is how I knew it was time to get Dad off the road. One day I told D, “Never get into a car that Granddad is driving.” Then it occurred to me that I could not in good conscience take steps to protect my own child from him, but continue to let him endanger other people’s kids.</p>

<p>As a parent, I depend on other adult children to have the common sense and the courage to get their dangerous seniors off the road. How could I do any less?</p>

60

<p>I have been fighting this for 7 months with my mother who is 91. </p>

<p>She will never have insight into why she should not drive just as she has no insight into her dementia.</p>

<p>I keep the eye on the ball- little children in the neighborhood and honestly tell her why she cannot drive. B is not in the medical field, he agrees she should not but stops short of telling her so- ‘ask your doctor’. I cannot in any good conscious say this- i tell her i agree she should not drive because of her memory and reflexes. Her more self absorbed attitude has gotten in the way ‘i want to’ regardless. </p>

<p>I have been saying this to so many patients and families through the years because so very few frankly have the courage and guts to tell their parents themselves. It is one thing to get the support of the doctor but is another thing to make the doctor the bad guy. Driving involves society. If driving only involved themselves that would be a different story.</p>

<p>Get some guts, stand up for the innocent. It is much easier to live with yourself having an angry parent than a dead child.</p>