<p>As a mother of daughters, if put in this position, I would try hard not to tell the young man how offensive I found this process. I probably wouldn’t succeed. For me, marriage is for the two people involved to decide, not for the man to ask permission or even a blessing before the decision! Hopefully, he would know us well enough to know that ahead of time.</p>
<p>I think it’s sweet. It’s not “asking permission” in the old-fashioned sense. It’s saying to the parents - I love this young woman, I intend on asking her to marry me, and as a sign of respect I want you to know this, because she’s important to me, and you’re important to her, and therefore you are important to me too. </p>
<p>I think asking “do you love her?” as cosmicfish suggested is kind of silly, though. Of course he loves her; he wouldn’t be having dinner with her parents otherwise.</p>
<p>This topic kicked up some intense feelings the last time it came up on CC: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1283888-marriage-question.html?highlight=tradition[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1283888-marriage-question.html?highlight=tradition</a> I’ll add now what I said then. This conversation really would not compute in our family. My husband wouldn’t want to have it, I wouldn’t want to have it, our daughters wouldn’t want us to have it. But if it would delight all concerned, why not? </p>
<p>I agree with those who say that it’s not really the time for the parents to evaluate whether they support the marriage. It seems to be something of a ritual with one expected outcome - “of course you have our blessing.”</p>
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And apparently for you this would not be an issue in the first place, and that is fine. Everyone has different traditions and beliefs, and if yours don’t require or expect this to happen, then that is just fine. The OP DOES have this tradition (or at least is predicting it will happen) and is in a different position.</p>
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<p>It’s the mazel tov before the mazel tov :-)</p>
<p>I see both sides of this situation. I don’t like the “permission” undertones, but I do think it is a lovely idea to spend some time with the future in-laws and have a discussion along the lines of “I love your daughter/son very much and want to spend my life with her/him. I hope this decision gives you joy.” My parents were disappointed that my husband never had a talk with them. To them it would have been a loving gesture and the beginning of him being a part of the family. I was surprised too - hubby comes from traditional midwestern family. They still think women belong to the men (subject for another thread). Looking ahead, I would cherish an evening with the future child-in-law gushing about my offspring. It would be a huge celebration!</p>
<p>OP - congratulations. I think your future SIL sounds lovely. I hope you enjoy the evening. I would keep the questions to a minimum but I would treat it as significant and let the young man know about the importance of the commitment, how dear your D is, etc. all the while welcoming him with open arms. Please let us know how it goes. Time to visit the multiple wedding threads!</p>
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<p>And yet I’ve never seen that at a Catholic wedding. The father walking the bride down the aisle, (and it’s almost always the father rather than the mother or even both parents) then giving her hand to the groom sure seems symbolic of “giving her away” to me, but I suppose one cannot always interpret actions without knowing those involved.</p>
<p>Some people just like traditions or to be sentimental. I don’t read any more into this than that. Actually, if our DD’s future husband, whomever that may be, wanted to take us out to dinner to let us know he was going to ask our DD to marry him, I would be really touched and feel that he cared enough about our family, not just our DD, to plan something like that. I know a few of our friends’ kids have done similar things either just to express their intentions or to get the parents in on the plan for the proposal. It think it is a lovely idea.</p>
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<p>Agree. A bride can want to have her father walk her down the aisle without meaning “and with this act, he is giving me away to my new husband as a piece of property being passed from one to another.” Sometimes you can overthink things.</p>
<p>I think it’s wonderful to take parents out to announce. That’s how it should be done. I just think questions like cosmic’s and about previous engagements (!) aren’t necessary or even appropriate.</p>
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<p>I always tell my kids to determine whether the person meant to be offensive before you yourself get offended by an action. In this case, telling the young man how offensive you find the process falls into that category. If he means to offend you, by all means let him know that he did. If he means the gesture as a sign of respect and his moment to let you know that he thinks your daughter’s all that and more, then getting offended would probably not be a good thing. It makes the moment all about you and your feelings, when it shouldn’t be. </p>
<p>momof2kids expresses what my daughter’s fiance wanted to convey:
By the way, he included his parents in much the same way before talking with us.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4: </p>
<p>I’m Catholic … traditional Catholic wedding. My husband and I walked down the aisle together … 35 years ago. It’s not only done but evidently been done for eons. 
Seriously, no one even blinked an eye at our choice.</p>
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<p>True. My Dad walked me down the aisle-I guess I didn’t really consider it a literal giving away, but nor did I consider he was “just escorting me down the aisle and no big deal anyone could do it” kind of thing. It was basically a sign of respect from my side symbolizing that he was still a very important male figure in my life even as I was joining my life with another very important male. I guess…I probably didn’t even put that much conscious thought into it as it was simply what was done at the time.</p>
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<p>I don’t doubt it. I have just never once seen it done that way ever and suspect it was not really the norm. But these things are very often regional and what seems unusual in one place could certainly be something which is very commonplace in another.</p>
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<p>I agree with all of the above. </p>
<p>If I found the practice offensive, I would try very hard not to project my values onto him, because by virtue of his background, HIS intention could be the utmost of respect. I really would try to understand and respect that even as I had my own feelings on the practice. Intent is very important here, I think.</p>
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<p>I think that is a lovely way of looking at it.</p>
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Hmm … if my future in-laws had asked these to the 27 year old me. The best case is I mask my anger, smile and nod, and forgive and forget the insulting questions. A much worse case and a more likely case is the questions would create a permanent scare on my relationship with my in-laws.</p>
<p>If I am the parent of the future bride after 18 months these questions should either be unneeded or already asked … observing the relationship and talks with my daughter should already have made me very comfortable or very uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>I would ask him if he had gotten my daughter mixed up with some other woman. I cannot imagine her becoming engaged to a man who would consider it appropriate to ask her parents for her hand in marriage. She is not our property. She is not a child. She is an independent, self-supporting adult. And this is not the nineteenth century.</p>
<p>And if she ever found out that he had done it, she would kick his butt into the next county.</p>
<p>The issue, as I see it, is not whether or not my husband and I would be offended by such a conversation. It’s whether our daughter would be offended. She would be.</p>
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<p>Yeah. When you used the word “opinion”, of all crazy things, I assumed you meant “opinion.” Thank you for helping me with my … confusion. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>I can’t imagine thinking ill of someone doing this. They have the best of intentions at heart. I would not take it at all as asking consent. I would be encouraged that this person recognizes that it’s a big deal lifelong commitment and that family support can be a good thing.</p>
<p>OP,
Why would you ask anything? He invited you, so he is to speak and you are to answer.</p>
<p>We are Catholic, most of our friends are Catholic, I’ve seen it all-bride walking alone, bride walking with groom, my mom walked me down the aisle, usually it’s both parents walking the bride down the aisle.</p>