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<p>But we’re not talking about asking the parents for her hand (as if it’s the parents’ place to give or not to give). I saw this more as a “these are my intentions towards your daughter and out of respect for you I want you to know how very much I love her and promise to care for her.” Not “if it’s ok with you, I’ll ask her - but if it’s not ok with you, I’ll slink away.”</p>
<p>^^^^Where are you from?</p>
<p>Change occurs much more slowly where I’m from. I’ve never seen any of those variations at a wedding regardless of the faith. I’m sure that will evolve-but much more slowly than in other places. Also, I’ve been to only a handful of weddings in the last few years. As our contemporaries’ children begin to marry, I’m sure the evolution of tradition will be made more apparent as we attend many more weddings.</p>
<p>In the upper midwest (mostly Lutheran), we get all sorts of processions, but most are still the dad walking the daughter. </p>
<p>I really hope my D wants BOTH of us to walk her down the aisle.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t ask the young man Cosmic’s qustions. Frankly, if this were that sort of formal conversation, I’d tell him. Not tell him he’d better love my daughter and this/that. More like a little piece of sage wisdom- ending with, “I want you to (or, I hope you will) always try to treasure her the way you do now.” Just as a parent to a would-be in-law. </p>
<p>DH would probably ask him how many goats we were going to get as a “bride price.” At least, that’s what he threatens. It’s not our culture, just his humor.</p>
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<p>^^^^That would be very cool.</p>
<p>If I had concerns about either of my daughters relationships, I would ask them, not their partners.
Both their current long term boyfriends seem to be more formal in some respects than either H or I are, & I wouldn’t be surprised by a formal request or announcement.</p>
<p>My father was deceased & my mother was ill, I asked my grandfather to walk me down the aisle, he was thrilled!</p>
<p>“Asking parents” definitely shows respect for whole family (including daughter), at least in my eyes. Others might feel differently. There are no right or wrong. It is a good test though how values of two different families match. On the other hand, if we are just let know by both of them, it is fine too. I do not care one way or another too much. Again, others will have a different opinion. But looking at the whole situation, wedding is a positive event, so it is better treat it as such and let any negativity go.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4: We live in TX. (Husband and I walked down the aisle together 35 years ago.) Recently engaged daughter asked if both of us would walk her down the aisle. I agree with SteveMA:</p>
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<p>*Though I’d change “usually it’s both parents” to “I’ve seen both parents walking the bride down the aisle.”</p>
<p>We’re Jewish, so it’s more often both parents walking the bride down - or I’ve seen the mother go down halfway, stop, and then bride / father go down and join up with mother. I never really read much into it one way or the other - it just seems like tradition nowadays, not any grand statement of anyone giving anyone else away like chattel. Fathers dance with their daughters, too - that’s sweet and touching.</p>
<p>my Dad passed away before my wedding so I asked my future father in law to escort me down the aisle. I had a very small wedding party and it was really just a way of including H’s family in the party.
I don’t remember anyone fainting dead away at the sight of us…</p>
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Yeah, and thanks for responding like a real class act.</p>
<p>I honestly do not see why ANY of this should upset anyone at all. If the young man wants to ask for her hand. or her parents blessing, or anything at all, treat it seriously and as an attempt to do what he thinks is the right thing to do. It is an insult only if you want to take it as such. And if you want to ask him questions to resolve lingering issues, as a way of reassuring him that you genuinely think he is good for your daughter, or skip the questions entirely, I hope HE would take you seriously and treat your response as a gesture of acceptance.</p>
<p>Cosmic, speaking for myself, it would greatly upset me if my future spouse asked my parents for my hand because it would signal that they don’t know me AT ALL. I’d be very upset if my father asked whether or not my fiancee loved me because it would imply that I’m too stupid to figure that out on my own. </p>
<p>That’s why it would personally upset me. Obviously families differ and they should do whatever works best for them. I begrudge no one who has different customs, I’m just speaking from my perspective.</p>
<p>At our Jewish wedding, bride and groom were each escorted down the aisle by his/her parents. To me, it was the symbolism of two families merging.</p>
<p>S1 took us out for lunch last summer and told us he intended to marry his GF. Not that we were surprised in the least, and I am fairly confident they had already been discussing the topic since there was a lot of advance planning required re: visas, job hunting from overseas, etc. We (DH, yours truly, S1 and GF) then all got into a van and drove 18 hours to Boston, where S and GF peppered us with questions about financial planning, medical insurance, day care and a wide variety of other topics. </p>
<p>I don’t know if he asked her parents. I would expect, based on what I know about each of them, is that they went to her parents together and told them.</p>
<p>I was engaged before I met DH. I had shared that saga with DH, but never told his parents. Not their business.</p>
<p>^^It’s just an old tradition. Not much different than including a religious ceremony or wearing a white dress or throwing a wedding shower. Are some assuming the kids’ relationship is so old-fashioned that they haven’t spoken about marriage- that this guy came out of the blue?</p>
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<p>It upsets me because it would imply that either he does not know my daughter well enough to realize that his action would be very offensive to her or that he knows and does not care. Either of those options implies that marriage would not be a very good idea. </p>
<p>The only thing that could make it acceptable to me would be if my daughter told me beforehand that this was something he felt that he needed to do because of his background, that the two of them had discussed it, and that she understood his feelings and had decided that his action was acceptable to her.</p>
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<p>Feel like a journalist since I haven’t quoted completely, but the above is something that I think is very relevant.</p>
<p>I’ve told my kids never to ask for permission if you are going to ignore the answer anyway. So asking for the families blessing is good. I didn’t have to do it because momx had no father in the picture at the time.</p>
<p>As far as questions, I suppose if there are any serious ones, you could ask them, but it might be better to ask your daughter. One serious potential disaster from which recovery would be difficult would be if the young man gave pause to his decision after your meeting. Its a nervous time for everyone and not impossible for that to happen. </p>
<p>Some posters might find Rodney Atkins song to be amusing in this regard.
[Rodney</a> Atkins Cleaning this gun (come on in boy) - YouTube](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDAf2q6SbQ]Rodney”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSDAf2q6SbQ)</p>
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Do you see the contradiction here? You are assuming that your “customs” will be the same as your prospective husband, and his family, and YOUR family, and while that could happen it often doesn’t. These little rituals can mean a lot to people, even when they consider them formalities with no real weight.</p>
<p>When I asked my FIL for his blessing I knew damn well that I was marrying her regardless, and was not asking permission. I asked for his blessing because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. It turns out that it was a BIG deal to him, and while (as I said) the marriage was going to happen regardless, this small gesture helped to ensure a solid relationship with my inlaws.</p>
<p>Also, I doubt he would surprise you with it, but he might unless you specifically warn him against it - I have been married for 11 years, have known my wife for 17 years, and STILL find out new things about her constantly, so don’t think that at 18 months he will instinctively know that you find this sort of thing offensive. It may never even occur to him that you might object to this, that there was any question he would talk to your father before popping the question. He might be especially loathe to ask you about it if he is intending the proposal itself to be a surprise. If this is a big deal to you, make sure you get it out there ahead of time and be prepared to negotiate over it.</p>
<p>Dadx, my mom and I listen to that song and laugh. My mom’s dad and three older brothers were all military. They used to pick my mom’s date nights to “clean” their guns. Not because they wanted to threaten the guy but because they thought it was hilarious.</p>
<p>Old fashioned gal here…I just don’t get how so many are offended, perturbed, bothered, or irritated by the young man who so values the opinion of his future bride’s parents. A young man who cares about making sure that his future wife’s relationship with her family is a peaceful and happy, is a real winner in my book. I mean really…how many stories do we hear about horrible, meddling, and bickering in-laws (maybe outlaws is a better word?) Wouldn’t a good first step in joining a family be to respect and dare I say, seek out, the opinions of the future MIL and FIL? To ask for their blessing on this major life altering event? As a daughter, I was tickled when my H wanted to please my family and “ask” for their blessing on our marriage. </p>
<p>For me, it’s about respecting the thoughts and opinions of the parents, and even the older generations. Can’t go wrong with respect…</p>
<p>Gonna duck now, as I think many will disagree…sorry, it’s just my .02</p>