<p>Cosmic, you asked why one might be upset. I gave a reason. I didn’t say the op’s d would or would not share my views.</p>
<p>I will also say that my bf and I have been together as long as they have and he damn well knows me that well. I would hope anyone getting married would as well.</p>
<p>^I’m with you, shellz. How would it imply the kid doesn’t know my daughter? Presumably, the kids have developed their relationship, the OP has met this guy and has had talks with her daughter, knows the relationship is strong and satisfying. Maybe the young couple even discussed his meeting with the parents. Are some going to get literal about the white dress tradition, too?</p>
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All right. So you would be upset if your BF asked your father. Period. Regardless of anything else. Regardless of how he felt, of how your family felt, of how his family felt. Because that’s not the way you roll.</p>
<p>And you would be upset if your father asked him if he loved you, because the only possible reason he would do so (or at least the dominant implication) is because he felt you were “too stupid to figure that out on <your> own” and it was something he could conclusively tell by asking him outright.</your></p>
<p>Okay!</p>
<p>Shellz, and if that works for you then great! But it doesn’t work for everyone and I would hope your H wouldn’t ask if your child’s future spouse loves him/her. </p>
<p>Again, all about what works for the couple.</p>
<p>What happens if the parents don’t think the guy is the right one for their daughter? Then they either lie and “give their blessing”, or tell the truth and turn into the bad guys. I hope I’m never in that position, but I can say, without a doubt, that if I were, I’d prefer he’d just propose to my daughter without any input from us. Then, if we chose to have any input, we can discuss it with our daughter. In all likelihood, we would have already shared some concerns with her, so it’s really her choice, not ours.</p>
<p>There’s a middle ground" “we have some concerns…” Not a dump but an exchange. One of mine has an SO in another country. If it hadn’t come up before (with my D or the other,) I might ask if they had considered where to live, eg, or what regulations there are. When you get along, you get along. </p>
<p>Maybe I don’t see the mystery or “big deal” in all this because we do interact with all their friends- we have conversations with them- sometimes serious, sometimes just ordinary. Always respectful.</p>
<p>It’s funny… I am not generally the kind of person who would be okay with my BF approaching my parents about this kind of thing. My relationship with my parents is pretty rocky, and when it comes to issues of independence I like to keep them at arms length. I had initially made it clear that he was not to discuss marriage with my parents and that when we got engaged we would tell them together after the fact.</p>
<p>However, I have talked it over with boyfriend and it is an important <em>symbolic</em> sign of respect to him to meet with my dad before he proposes, not to ask permission but as a sort of goodwill heads up. He told me if I am really that uncomfortable with it he doesn’t need to, but he would like to-- and this wasn’t just a hypothetical, this is happening very soon and everybody knows it, including my parents. I’ve agreed and am okay with it, it’s important to him and it will strengthen his already pretty good relationship with my dad. I have nothing to lose and something to gain by letting him go ahead and do this the way he wants. And we all already know that everybody approves of everybody else. He has spent a lot of time with my family and everyone is on the same page. </p>
<p>If my parents were pushier, I could very well see them becoming upset about him asking and accusing him of not “knowing” their daughter very well, when in fact it would turn out to be precisely the other way around-- we discussed it, came to an agreement, and by asking he would only be following through with my wishes. Pushing the issue would make my parents look pretty dumb, not to mention rude.</p>
<p>Back to more what the original topic was, I’d be really, really mad at my parents if they gave my boyfriend the inquisition. It’s a symbolic show of respect in our case that is not required to be extended and should be accepted graciously. We have been together for a while, my parents have had a long time to voice any concerns TO ME and they have not done so, and there is really nothing that is any of their business that they could grill him about. </p>
<p>On the other hand, my sister’s ex did actually ask my dad for PERMISSION when he wanted to marry my sister, at sister’s behest, and my dad didn’t feel that he could say no even though he did not approve. He did ask the kid what his plans are for when he gets out of the military, and whether or not he intended to re-enlist. He accepted whatever answers were given, I think he just wanted to make sure that had been thought about and discussed. Sister was present and was able to hear his answers. As it turned out, it had not been discussed and the boy’s intentions were to come home and become a truck driver while sister supported the household. They didn’t get married. Under the circumstances, asking didn’t seem terribly inappropriate. I think the context of asking permission vs giving a heads up may be key there.</p>
<p>OP, two years ago my SIL did the same thing, only that he took the day off and asked us for lunch during our visit to their city. He told us he loved our D and wanted to propose to her shortly. The subject came up during lunch and the topic lasted about two minutes. We never asked any other personal or engagement related questions. My H did joke about the “no return policy”. We promised him not to mention it to D as he wanted the proposal to be a surprise.</p>
<p>Keep it light and just treat it as any casual dinner because I know the young man must feel very nervous about it already. Congrats.</p>
<p>While I think this is the case where “to each his/her own” applies, I would not want my future husband to ask my parents. I firmly believe that marriage is between two people. Yes, families are involved, but ultimately, it’s about the two people getting married, and I am sure my parents’ idea of marriage is different from mine. I would go through with a marriage regardless of whether or not my parents approved. I would expect my fiance to recognize that the decision is mine and mine alone, and when it comes to us as a couple, the only person whose opinion he should worry about is me (and the other way around). </p>
<p>If somehow my fiance did ask, personally, I would be BEYOND annoyed with my parents (and they would hear about it) if they stared asking him if he is honest with me, why he wants to marry me, etc. I think it’s an awkward and uncomfortable conversation to have with people you barely know, because it does suggest that they may have doubts (also these things can be very personal, not something you discuss with people you only met a few times before). Moreover, his responses and whether or not they believed him would not change anything. I would still marry the same person, so it’s a moot point.</p>
<p>“these are my intentions towards your daughter and out of respect for you I want you to know how very much I love her and promise to care for her.”</p>
<p>Even in this form, something about it just bothers me. In my opinion, there is still some subtle implication that the parents are responsible for the daughter.</p>
<p>If you disagree, why does a girl not have to declare her intentions to the guy’s parents?</p>
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That would be the million dollar question!</p>
<p>Cbreeze–I’m not in any way undermining how your encounter with your SIL went, as obviously it’s fine and no one had objections. However, for me, if I knew the young man was asking before my D did, and I had this secret to keep from her, and there’d be no excited announcement from her because I already knew, I would have found this deeply distressing. I don’t want to hear about an engagement from the guy, and I don’t want to know before my D does, and have to keep quiet. If would feel like some weird secret-keeping to me.</p>
<p>Again, I understand others see it differently. But I’m pretty sure my D would feel the same way.</p>
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<p>No, H would not ask that particular question, although I would hope that if he did, the future intended would be able to answer it with a resounding YES! It’s not like it’s a trick question…lol</p>
<p>In all seriousness though, to each his own. I guess my point is that too often we read into things too much. It’s just a gesture, made by a well-intended, nervous and probably really sweet young man. I say enjoy the chivalry!</p>
<p>And yes, I had to “answer” to my future inlaws over dinner, right as we were engaged. It was sweet to know that they were so concerned about both of us making the right choice, and was done with an undercurrent of love and respect.</p>
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<p>Wow! I do also. Either you lived amongst very forward thinking people, or I just happened to be acquainted with very “traditional” minded people. I have never attended even one wedding such as you describe, so it’s certainly possible.</p>
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<p>I think in that form that there is a not so subtle implication that the parents love their daughter, want her to be happy, and would take comfort in the knowledge that her future husband is willing to assure them of his love and respect for their daughter. But that’s just me-and how I would probably take it.</p>
<p>I have no expectations of any young man asking me or DH for permission, or for a blessing, or any other sort of expression of joy. But neither would I take offense at it or see it as an indication that he considered my daughter “property,” etc. But I’m also of the opinion that people just take way too many opportunities to be offended these days and I’ve lost the patience required to assign negative motives to people or to get easily insulted or worked up about things unless disrespect is clearly, firmly, and explicitly expressed.</p>
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If they “barely know” you, why is it so unreasonable to think that they would “have doubts”? In cases where your parents really DO know your prospective husband, asking should be a short and hopefully lighthearted conversation - the reason I original suggested asking “Do you love her?” was simply to emphasize that this one, easily answered question is by far the most important thing in deciding whether or not two people should get married. But in cases where your parents DON’T really know him, it helps to establish a relationship with the parents, determine exactly how they will fit into your lives.</p>
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In some ways they are, and always will be. I love my daughters, and I do not intend to imply any attempt to control their lives past high school, but no matter what I will always feel responsible for them.</p>
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Well, the guy doesn’t have to do this either, it is simply a courtesy. And there is nothing saying that the girl cannot do so as well.</p>
<p>As to why she does not generally do so? Tradition mostly - feel free to start a new one by asking his parents! Actually, this does happen today, mostly after the fact, but I see no reason not to ask them for their blessing beforehand!</p>
<p>As a personal note, I am happy that my inlaws were on board with our marriage - if they had denied my request, I would want to know what I needed to do to get them on board. If it had been reasonable to do so, I would have tried to make them happy before asking her to marry me, just because her family was and is very important to her and I would not to be a wedge between them. If it were not reasonable to do so, I would make sure that she understood that there were issues between her parents and I when I asked the question - a reality that happened with my sister.</p>
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<p>I do disagree, but I can respect that you don’t like it. I don’t read into it like the parents are responsible, I read into it like the parents care about their daughter very much and would be interested to know the boy’s intentions. Because I feel that way, of course I wouldn’t be offended-- but since you don’t, I can see why you would be. I don’t like traditions that imply ownership of daughters either, but in my case this tradition is tweaked enough that it’s acceptable to me because it makes bf so happy and I don’t think that’s what it’s doing. I think it’s making my parents feel special in a very important moment of my life that might be bittersweet for them in some ways. That is the same reason I’ll let my dad walk me down the aisle even though I don’t REALLY need to be “given away” like “property.” My getting married is a rite of passage for them, too.</p>
<p>I am sure if my bf and his parents were closer they’d be quite pleased if I DID declare my intentions, especially since he just bought a house for us. But if you think about it, that’s kind of difficult to do given that he is the one that wants to propose sometime soon and I don’t think it’s my place to tell his mother about that. But I will be spending some solo time with his mother on a trip this weekend, I am sure we will talk about the house, and the subject may very well come up. I am sure she would be thrilled to know that’s what I want to happen. I don’t think I HAVE to tell her, but he doesn’t HAVE to tell my parents, either. But it sure will be a nice bonding moment for them and I am okay with letting them have that.</p>
<p>Ema, I see where you’re coming from and I agree with you. If it was THAT important to my bf that he wanted their blessing (not permission…that I’m not ok with) and we discussed it beforehand, I’d be on board. </p>
<p>Luckily, I’m not in that situation but I definitely understand your point.</p>
<p>garland, of all the stories from my friends whose future SILs asked for blessing, they were all done BEFORE the actual proposals. As in all cases, the couple had discussed marriages and it’s just a matter of WHEN the engagement would take place. We were not told the actual date of the proposal, just that it was coming, just as much as my D knew.
I had never known a bride not knowing that any proposal was forthcoming.
The surprise was the actual date it happened.</p>
<p>From your perspective, I guess you and your D would not have appreciated the young man asking your blessing at all. But we appreciated his gesture and felt no distress in keeping a “secret”.</p>
<p>^My BF’s proposal to me was totally unexpected. We had known each other only three months. We were in grad school together, so we spent almost all of our time together. We were canoeing on Town Lake in Austin when he asked me. I almost fell out of the boat. I took a couple of days to say yes, but I told him I wanted to schedule the wedding a year away, to make sure. My mom was thrilled, but my dad wasn’t (BF didn’t go to my parents’ super-strict church). At first, Dad said he wouldn’t come to the wedding, but he eventually came around and even paid for it.</p>
<p>We’ve been married over 26 years now. If one of my kids got engaged after three months, though, I would kill him/her, lol.</p>