<p>"If they “barely know” you, why is it so unreasonable to think that they would “have doubts”? "</p>
<p>It’s unreasonable because it’s the daughter’s decision, and she doesn’t have doubts (if she agreed to marry this person). It’s not that unusual for parents not to know the significant other well. Unless you and your kids vacation together (many don’t), you would have only met the fiance a few times, especially if you and your daughter don’t live in the same town. That’s no reason to have doubts, never mind to start asking questions about those doubts.</p>
<p>" I will always feel responsible for them."</p>
<p>Again, to each their own, but I personally feel uncomfortable with that. I think caring about someone and feeling responsible for them are two different things, and I don’t welcome anyone feeling responsible for me (but since people can’t help how they feel, I guess I would say I don’t welcome anyone acting on feeling responsible for me).</p>
<p>For me, the bottom line is that I think trying to figure out someone else’s relationship, be it a relationship of two weeks or five years is too much involvement for my taste. Others feel differently, and that’s totally fine!</p>
<p>“My getting married is a rite of passage for them, too.”</p>
<p>I think that’s where we disagree, but I understand where you are coming from. I am sure your parents appreciate how you feel :)</p>
<p>Romanigypsyeyes, I really admire how you conduct yourself. You have such a lovely and gracious way about you. It’s truly a pleasure to share a forum with you.</p>
<p>You know who I really feel sorry for? That woman who THINKS she’s going to marry my son. I might allow that, but only with the understanding that I come first and he will always be my Precious Baby King.</p>
<p>Thanks, zoose. I very much appreciate that. </p>
<p>And your poor future DIL :p. You could always set that evil dog loose on her to scare her. Or, just do what my future MIL did-teach him that all females are the devil incarnate. If nothing else, that will scare off the weak ones.</p>
<p>Did I tell you? Evil Dog is sick. He has lost his sight in one eye and is heavily medicated. He’s not quite so vicious these days, which breaks my heart.</p>
It is exactly reason to have doubts, and my daughter’s confidence in him would stop that only if I thought my daughter was infallible - which I hope I never do. There is no disrespect here, no attempt to control, but planes have copilots, maunfacturers have quality control, doctors give second opinions, and it doesn’t hurt anybody for someone else who knows you and cares about you and knows enough about your future husband to be able to see if there is anything to be concerned about.</p>
<p>Is it your choice to get married? Absolutely. Can you love him completely, think you know everything about him, and still make a mistake in marrying him? Darn tootin you can, whether you want to admit it or not.</p>
<p>Sorry, cosmic, I’m uncomfortable with a parent using a copilot analogy for my marriage. But different families vary. For example, I found out recently that my bf’s uncle is picking out a spouse for his daughter because she believes dad knows best. It’s something that I personally can’t wrap my head around but if it works for them then by all means. </p>
<p>I do hope the op comes back eventually for some kind of update :)</p>
It is an inherently flawed analogy (because, no, parents should not be THAT involved), but was meant to drive home the point that someone who had spent years and years and years perfectly the technical skill of piloting STILL has a backup. Men and women are imperfect, and a failure to recognize and account for that can cause HUGE problems. The fact that you love your BF does not distinguish you from the 50% of couples who love each other but STILL get divorced.</p>
<p>
I feel that is going way too far, but I do know that there are some people who make that work. It is really a matter of how you see a marriage - if you see it as a partnership designed to raise children and provide support and partnership through life, then an arranged marriage is fine. If you see it as a method for maintaining and celebrating a love relationship, then it is a total crapshoot. Ugh.</p>
<p>OP here - this thread really got legs! Thank you for all the advice. To add a couple of pieces of information - DD told me that she and boyfriend have discussed marriage, but I don’t think she knows about tonight’s dinner and I know she won’t be offended by it taking place.</p>
<p>We are leaving in a few minutes for the restaurant, so I’ll update later tonight or tomorrow. Poor guy - I know he is going to be so nervous, but hopefully we can ease that in the first few minutes.</p>
<p>cosmicfish , if that’s what your family is comfortable with, that’s fine. I would rather make my own mistakes (of course I know nothing is full proof!) and not have a ‘co-pilot’. I don’t believe in the ability of two people, be it parents, friends, or anyone else, to take a person they barely know (or even know a little but not from inside the relationship) and decide whether or not he is right for their daughter, who may have totally different ideas about marriage. YMMV. Personally, I will not be seeking advice on this particular matter, and I wouldn’t expect or want my fiance to ask.</p>
<p>Many of my kids’ friends and many of my (much) younger co-workers have become engaged in the last few years.
Before you get too upset about the sexism in this tradition, stop and consider.
Somehow the process has become nearly as elaborate as my wedding was.<br>
Couple talks about and mostly decides “this is it” but doesn’t consider themselves engaged the way DH and I did back in the Jurassic era
Groom to be is obligated to orchestrate “the asking”. Often complete with many people, pre-written heartfelt letters, “surprise” ambushing of the bride with family members, perfect setting, etc. (like going on a casual hike and discovering a rose petal strewn path leading to a candle-lit bower under an oak tree…and as you sit down, there’s your sister with her guitar singing your favorite song and 60 of your closest come out of the shadows with candles, singing along…yes, this is a real example I saw the pictures. It was lovely.)
For some folks, getting the groom to “ask” the parents is just one more step. Nothing sociological implied. </p>
<p>I think it’s nice that the groom to be really wants to meet with you. Best wishes to the while family.</p>