The $80K debt and unforeseen expenses thread has me thinking. We can run our own family’s finances the way we choose and advise our young adult children in such matters but what happens when one enters relationships where things diverge?
Affairs of the heart aren’t always based in financial pragmatism. And honestly, that’s fine with me.
Thinking about some relationships my own kids as well as kids of siblings and friends, there have been instances where the financial picture of the two parties is quite different or will be quite different based on decisions made now. You could make a choice for your own child such that they aren’t saddled with major student loan debt but they could fall in love with someone who has it in spades, or visa versa. Or your child could be the one pursing the high earning computer science career and get into a long term relationship with someone who works in a low paying career earning a fraction of the salary, or visa versa.
I’m just curious as to whether people encountered this in their own lives or their children’s lives and how it was managed.
My husband and I started dating in college and both made peanuts out of college so it was definitely a “for richer or poorer” scenario and we have always mingled funds from the start although there were often times with disparity. I can’t really imagine handling it differently.
I thought my (ex)h and I had very similar philosophies about money but the differences ended up being significant. We’re both somewhat frugal: we don’t spend much on ourselves, we’re more generous with our children, but I also like to help other people financially when I can and he doesn’t. That difference was surmountable. One that wasn’t derived from our different ethical beliefs. He proposed tax evasion at least three times; he suggested that our daughters just not pay back their student loans; and he has cooperated with his father in shady transactions. This wasn’t the only reason we got divorced but it played a big role.
My sister’s ex is much less debt averse than she is. Again, I don’t think it was the only contributor to their breakup but it was one factor.
All of us have undergrad degrees and graduate or professional degrees. All of us have white-collar jobs, except my ex, who struggled to stay employed after starting out in a relatively high-paying kind of work.
When H and I met, I was earning a pretty good salary as a young attorney. It was higher than his salary as a computer systems analyst for the fed govt for over 15 years. We married for better or worse, richer or poorer. We were happy.
My folks were worried because of the age difference and education difference. His family was split. His folks were overjoyed. His sister was concerned about age disparity. H had some debt (rental properties with friends), but positive net worth. I had positive net worth. We didn’t do a prenup and just mingled all assets from day one, including inheritances.
I have friends who have his money, her money and their money. It works for them but I find it tiring and believe it would complicate my life.
So far our kids haven’t had serious relationships, so no idea how we will handle that possible future. Our kids are currently debt-free.
@roethlisburger I think that is true in many instances (especially the education part) but definitely not all. I guess I’m looking for discussion of those situations when there is a difference which could stem from debt and a difference in career choice.
@rosered55 Yeah, I would imagine ethical considerations like that would be very hard to deal with. That’s a line I wouldn’t want to cross.
Mr R & I started dating sophomore year of college. We graduated with roughly equal debt. I went on to get my master’s where I accumulated too much debt (for my taste). I now make about, eh, 4x-ish what he does.
Honestly, money has really not been an issue for us. Neither set of parents know how much debt the other has from school and, frankly, it’s not their business since there will be nothing in the way of inheritance and we didn’t get any “starter” money. (We both came out with about 20k.)
We’re comfortable but certainly frugal and we’ll be paying debt for a long time as I can only very minimally pay on mine while I’m in grad school (they’re in deferment and basically we only pay the interest on my non-sub loan).
Unless I become totally disabled, it is very unlikely that Mr R will ever make more money than me… and it’s been like that from the start. He is much more of a house husband and that’s just the way we wanted it to be
I have two in serious relationships. It never occurred to me to inquire about the debt status of the significant others. I mean, should I? I try to avoid adding new items to my list of things to worry about… @-)
I probably wouldn’t inquire about it, either. Not because it isn’t a significant issue; it can be. But because one probably should leave that issue to those directly involved, the child and his or her partner. I do appreciate that my parents (and now my widowed mother) have been generous throughout the years and were willing to help out when my ex was voluntarily unemployed.
One of the things I thought that the engaged encounter retreat did well (it was required by the Catholic Church to be married in the church) was to have the couples talk among each couple and in a large guided group about finances and other important topics couples should discuss in a serious relationship.
It happens that H and I had discussed done it off and in over the course of our rekatikndhip but the retreat had some guided exercises to help the discussions about these topics that can otherwise sometimes get bogged down. Many of the other couples didn’t seem to have discussed finances or other topics orevioudly and some were prettt far apart on some of these issues.
I have a friend who is resentful of his wife’s college debt. He feels like he is the one who got saddled with what her parents should have paid. He worked his way through a state directional and she went to a private in a low-income field. He’s the main breadwinner and they can’t seem to get ahead. Another case of 80K loans without any ROI. He is pretty resentful and it’s an issue and we all hear about it.
I would have been very peeved (at least) if Mr R’s parents had tried to butt into our finances.
A couple in the family is already having major money issues- and disagreements about it… and they’ve been married for less time than Mr R and I have! They were married in a Catholic Church. Absolutely no clue what kind of counseling they had to go through (though I know they did). Apparently, her desire to be a SAHW never came up… oy
I know I’m more in tune with finances and what not than most my age (well, at leat my age at marriage) but it truly blows my mind that some couples haven’t talked about the most basic financial issues before they marry. I don’t understand how it hasn’t come up! (I already have friends divorcing in their mid-late 20s over finances. Quite sad.)
One couple I am close to resents her in-laws always trying to get money and hand-me-down cars from them. They work hard and long hours but have expensive hone and lifestyle that they can afford. Friend resents that in-laws act like they can always expect handouts tho they’re not going much to better their messy plight. That’s why the couple has his/her/their money. He can contribute HIS money as he feels so moved if guilted.
Finances can definitely be a minefield. One of my relatives was rather wary of their D (who graduated college and law school debt-free) marrying a guy who had 6-figure debt from college and law school. They were irked that they helped their kid start without debt only to be saddled with his BIG debt.
I don’t understand the point in this. Assuming no prenup/postnup, any assets would be divided according to state law in the event of a divorce. Perhaps, it would make sense if one party received a significant inheritance.
Money is the number one cause of arguments in first marriages. Kids are top argument in second marriages.
I definitely think it’s a question to discuss upon or when considering engagement. You need to be on the same financial page. That doesn’t mean same finances. I strongly believe couples should merge finances on a first marriage. (Second marriages with kids, etc have different issues). Marriage is a commitment and finances are part of that. It also eliminates the mine, yours, ours and are both pulling their weight.
When my wife and I married, she had substantial grad school debt. I was able to get debt down to a minimal car loan by the wedding. We paid cash for our wedding and honeymoon which was a great first financial commitment to show we were on the same page with finances.
My wife also entered the marriage with a solid job as I finished grad school which is different than high debt, didn’t finish the degree, and no job. Twenty years later and we’ve always been on the same page with finances. Lots of conversation about our income, debt, and financial philosophies before marriage paid dividends.
" Apparently, her desire to be a SAHW never came up… oy"
This can be tough because even when it is discussed, it’s hard to predict one’s own response to parenthood. Some might think they want to keep working and have a change of heart. But I’ve seen the other angle, as well, where they thought they’d be a stay-at-home parent and it was making them unhappy.
One benefit of living together is seeing spending and budgeting practices in action before pulling the legally binding trigger.
On the his/her/their money front, one thing I never understood about it is, you are supposedly marrying your best friend, right? So you save, he/she doesn’t save as much. Are you going to retire on your own? Take vacations by yourself? You can put the money into separate piles but how do you really keep it from not being intertwined?
“They were irked that they helped their kid start without debt only to be saddled with his BIG debt.”
I could see this being an issue. I’d probably harbor some of those feelings myself as we want the best for our kids and worked and saved hard so they wouldn’t be burdened with debt.
My brother’s wife makes at least a third more-and maybe double what he does. They fought about money because she wanted to support her younger sister and he objected (the sister is an adult, capable of self-support but not inclined to do so). After years of arguments, they decided to keep separate accounts-each pays for half the mortgage, half the utilities, half the retirement, half the son’s private school tuition, etc. Although my brother makes less, he is much happier and they quit fighting about money. Everyone seems more content.
I think it’s hard for those of us who pool funds to understand those who keep things separate, but if it works for the couple, it seems like a good idea.
