The idea is that his and her pots of money are for his and her discretionary spending without having to ask permission of the other – meaning that each has already given permission to the other to spend up to a pre-allocated budget with no questions asked. I.e. so that they do not have to negotiate each time she buys another power tool to work on her car or he buys another pair of shoes or jewelry or whatever. In this case, the his and her pots may only be small parts of the overall household finances, with most of the money in their shared pot for common household costs.
Yes, and if he opts to spend HIS money in donations to HIS family or a night out with the guys and she opts to spend hers on jewelry or a ski trip with friends, they just mention it in passing with no room for partner comment or judgment. This is the way some folks are able to keep from repeating arguments that would otherwise just keep replaying with no happy resolution.
Isn’t this always how life is though? I thought I’d have a very different career than I have had. My husband and I decided as a couple to have a house full of children. The career I had planned in academia or law didn’t really suit that plan. I ended up staying home for several years and then becoming a teacher. Not what I had planned on at all, and there’s definitely a disparity in our income I wouldn’t have foreseen. We started out as two young professionals on equal footing and ended up falling into more traditional gender roles because that’s what our family required. I don’t regret it. We both brought student loans into the marriage and my husband ended up having to pay off mine with his. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. I would hope what I’ve provided to our family has been worth it.
Yes, even tho when we married, I was out-earning H, I ended up staying home when our kids were young until they were doing well in grade school and then I started working part-time, which I continue to do now, nearly two decades later.
Fortunately both H and I paid off our loans before we met, by going to inexpensive schools and working during the year and summers. I managed our kids educations, healthcare, investments and travel, plus cajendar and odds and ends.
H has been the major breadwinner in our family, tho I did bring in significant sums, especially when we were paying private HS and college expenses. I have been in charge of family finances and making sure we could do all the things our family needed to do and done if the things we wanted to do.
I understand that in some families the person who brings in the most money has the most power, but that hasn’t been the case in our family–we are partners. I would be uncomfortable in an unequal relationship like that.
My husband and I never had any “separate” money until our parents died. But then, we put the money we inherited into separate, individual accounts. This would probably be meaningless in the event of a divorce, but it’s very meaningful to me in terms of how I view the money. Before I had any “money of my own,” I felt obligated to consider our joint needs and priorities before every financial decision, no matter how small. Now, I no longer feel that way.
For example, a couple of years ago, I wanted to give my sister a Christmas present that cost considerably more than what I usually spend for gifts – simply because it was a uniquely appropriate present. The cost was a few hundred dollars – something we could easily afford. But before I had “money of my own,” I would not have done this without my husband’s consent – and since he does not approve of giving extravagant gifts, that means I wouldn’t have done it at all. But now that I have my own money, I made the decision to give her the gift, using my own money, and I felt no obligation to even discuss it with my husband. And I liked the way that felt.
My D dated a man for 5 years. She knew his parents had some money and had paid for his expensive private college. But he always told her he was a struggling grad student trying to make ends meet on a graduate stipend.
My D comes from a very middle class background. She was debt free from college but that’s because her parents made great sacrifices to do so and are paying off her Stafford loans. She makes a nice living and because she was debt free and caring generous person, she paid for many of their expenses.
She found out much later that the BF had a Huuuuge trust fund and his parents had a lot more money than she suspected. She felt used and taken advantage of. It was a huge break in the relationship and one of the major problems in their breakup.
I guess the moral of this story, is that being honest no matter what is key.
I had some debt coming into my marriage. My H is the best in that he accepted me no matter what. I am very lucky.
I can understand hiding that early in the relationship, as the last thing you want is someone who only wants you for your money. But when it gets serious, it is time to come clean.
Couples have to wrestle with a lot of financial issues, including issues related to differences in their financial status at the start of their relationships/marriages.
But in general, if they’re old enough to have long-term relationships or marriages, they’re old enough so that the whole topic is none of their parents’ business unless the grown child brings up the subject.
But don’t listen to me. I may be biased. One of my kids is engaged. And my kid is the one with student loan debt from a graduate program. The other person has no debt. So if anyone was going to object, it would be the other person’s parents, right?
What if the parents are the ones with the financial issues and marrying someone means taking on those obligations? I don’t know how to deal with this situation but I’m throwing it out there as yet another variation.
Seems like any ongoing financial dependency relationship between a potential spouse and his/her parents needs to be addressed between the potential spouses, and probably that potential spouse’s parents as well. Examples relevant to these forums:
Potential spouse has $80,000 of parentally cosigned student loans.
Parents have $80,000 of parent loans used to pay for potential spouse's education, with the informal understanding that the potential spouse will repay the parents.
Parents spent their retirement money on the potential spouse's education, with the informal understanding that the potential spouse will support the parents in their retirement.
I don’t know where you live, but in most states, the inheritance can be an exception. Each spouse can keep their own inheritance, in a divorce, provided it hasn’t been commingled during the marriage. Perhaps, the lawyers can elaborate.
In my state, gifts, bequests, and inheritances, and assets purchased with gifts, bequests, and inheritances, are not available for division at divorce, unless the court finds that not dividing the funds or asset would create a hardship for the nonowning spouse or the children.
No 2 people ever grow up with the same sense of money. My dad was extremely frugal, but he splurged on vacations, theater and appliances, rarely on expensive restaurants or clothes.
If I were Deb’s DD, I’d be upset if I split meals and everything with the b/f, or paid more, then to find out he had money.
If my son married someone with debts from medical/law school, no issue. If she got huge debts from choosing a college where she got no or little FA or merit, I’d be more upset. After all, us oldtimers are frequently encouraging young people to think wisely about assuming large debt for UG.
I know a recently engaged couple who each borrowed well over 100K for their psychology degrees. They are about 5 years post graduation now. I can’t even imagine how they are going to make this work. The girl has lived with mom and dad and the guy lives with roommates. At least they are coming into this as equals.
I’m anti debt but I’ll give you a pro to grad school student loans IF they match earnings for that profession. We lived frugally out of school to aggressively pay off grad school debt which meant way below others with our earnings. We shifted that money to savings when debt free and while we increased our life style, it was in balance. our increased life style also tended to be in cash purchases or vacations, both of which are easy to turn off when you need the money to say, cash flow college.
Frugal also comes in many flavors. We like to travel but eat sandwhiches for lunch in national parks instead of all inclusive vacation packages. We buy higher quality items on things that matter but keep them for decades when appropriate (stereo speakers). We drive our cars for ten years and buy late model used.
I agree you can’t have all these worked out before marriage but you can open the door for open conversations about money. If someone wants to avoid the subject or can’t discuss money without high emotions, that’s a warning sign to me.
I think being unable to discuss finances is definitely is a red flag. Haven’t read here about folks who are totally adverse to debt as needed for grad/pro school but have serious reservations about high debt for undergrad, especially for high stats kids with other options.
I agree and I don’t take this as a debt/no debt thread as much as discussion finances/financial balance before marriage and that is one aspect. I also think most posters have been in 70-80% agreement.
This thread was started by the $80,000 loans opportunity cost thread, although opportunity cost wasn’t the term used. For undergrad, if parents can pay the $80,000 without debt, the opportunity cost transfers more to the parents, at least for us it does. For grad school, our kids will foot the bill and make their decisions accordingly. Thinking about marriage, careers, kids, etc. while they make those decisions will help them make wise choices.
Since this is mostly, or completely, parents here, all we can do is raise our kids to be responsible and then advice when asked. Once our kids are out of college I don’t expect them to consult me unless it’s their choice. If I’m footing the bill for undergrad, there is different standard. But this could lead to thread drift which isn’t my intent.