@doschicos she’s a SAHW, not SAHM. Kids are not part of the picture yet.
Husband was under the impression she’d work until kids. She was under the impression she wouldn’t work anymore after they married.
^^@romani I suspected that was the issue when you used the term SAHW… interesting that she had that “impression”
“What if the parents are the ones with the financial issues and marrying someone means taking on those obligations? I don’t know how to deal with this situation but I’m throwing it out there as yet another variation.”
I had a sibling with that issue which made it tough. In laws needed financial bailout a few times and sibling felt like she had to not only save for her own immediate family’s needs but for the needs of others. It wasn’t like medical emergencies either, more like poor decision-making that caused the issues.
“Since this is mostly, or completely, parents here, all we can do is raise our kids to be responsible”
One problem can be when you’ve raised your kid to be financially responsible but they partner up with someone who hasn’t been.
"she’s a SAHW, not SAHM. Kids are not part of the picture yet.
Husband was under the impression she’d work until kids. She was under the impression she wouldn’t work anymore after they married."
I have no problem with that IF both people are on board or health issues arise, otherwise just no. That seems like it could be a major stumbling block in a relationship.
Another scenario: couple gets married, a few years later, one then decides to go to law school. No financial help from either side of the family; each person has equivalent undergrad Staffords. Student borrows Stafford and Plus) for tuition, less partial scholarship. Spouse pays for all living expenses instead of borrowing more $. Would y’all be outraged?
^that’s a tough one. I know a wife who wanted out after her husband put her through a medical school. Does half of her earning become his in that case?
I can’t believe Deb DD case. BF took it all when he had money? The issue may be greater than just money. Good for her to break up with him!
There are many stories of a spouse helping another through medical school. The wife works and puts her H through (an outdated senerio but one of our parents and our generation). Once the spouse is in his medical practice, they want out. it happens. The new wife gets the fruit of the first wife’s labor.
@CountingDown, I wouldn’t be outraged. There’s a long history of spouses putting each other through school in this way, and it can still make sense.
But it can also backfire.
My husband had a friend whose wife had never gone to college and worked in a fairly menial job. When their youngest child reached school age, she wanted to go to college full-time to get a degree and a better job, and her husband agreed to take sole responsibility for supporting the family for several years, including paying her tuition. But during the years while she was in college, strains developed in their marriage, and within a year after her graduation, she filed for divorce. The husband was retroactively upset about having taken on financial burdens to support her education.
I don’t know if having sepaprate account solve all the problems. What happens if one wants to save money on vacation and put aside a small amount in the shared account while spending a lot more money helping out in-laws out of their own account? Would you be happy with that?
Re: parental responsibilities.
My parents have considerably less money than we do and Mr R knew when he married me that my parents and their issues came as part of the package. They have both been disabled since before Mr R & I met and he knows that I help them with bills. He also knows that they are very frugal with money and pick up odd jobs whenever they are able to. In turn, they do things like help me when I’m sick, come down and clean the house periodically, and help with odd jobs so that we rarely, if ever, have to pay for labor for anything (plumbing, electrical, etc). OTOH, he also knows I’ll come into a little money when my mom’s oldest brother passes away and we’ve already mutually agreed on where that money will go.
It all comes out in the wash.
I was completely up front with him about this and we lived and mingled funds together for long enough before we married that he knew completely what he was getting into.
Both of my parents’ first spouses were completely irresponsible with money- which was the main reason for my dad’s divorce and the second main reason for my mom’s. I don’t remember ever explicitly talking about marriage and money but I’ve known about the reasons for their first marriages’ failure since as long as I could remember. Luckily, I had two really good role models in my parents for how to manage and talk about money within a partnership.
My one minor frustration is that Mr R really doesn’t care at all about money- for better or worse. I have to beg him to splurge on himself occasionally (he never buys anything) but on the other hand, he couldn’t care less about things like where our money is at. So I do all the financial stuff and frankly, I don’t know if he even knows our money situation. Which is fine, I don’t mind doing it. What I worry about is if something happens to me and he has no idea what to do.
I think one thing I really need to do over this summer is explicitly detail where all of our money is in case something happens to me.
This post was much longer than anticipated. Whoops.
@CountingDown that was exactly our situation except swap out law school for an MPH… which will make considerably less money than most law degrees.
“Spouse pays for all living expenses instead of borrowing more $. Would y’all be outraged?”
Husband and I have done things like this. It’s a partnership and we work together to support one another and make moves that would hopefully benefit our family unit in the long run. I’m sure if one of us had doubts about the other’s commitment and caring, giving nature, there might have been hesitation. Fortunately, that hasn’t ever been the case.
Iglooo–I also know someone whose husband put her through med school (and he didn’t make that much) and then promptly divorced him. They probably weren’t a good match from the very start but I can’t help feeling she used him big time.
Not only scenarios where you might be helping spouses in-laws out financially but what about marrying someone who was divorced and has to pay alimony? Pays to pick the right partner from the start!
My mom used to call her separate account “bus money”–if anything ever happened she’d have access to her own money “to catch a bus”.
“One problem can be when you’ve raised your kid to be financially responsible but they partner up with someone who hasn’t been.”
We teach our kids as well as we can. Then they make their own mistakes. This sounds like a mistake that the child will eventually learn from, but it might be painful.
Sometimes a guy can be seen as romantic because he is willing to spend money on his date. Years later wife realizes that her husband is willing to borrow to spend money on a very wide range of things that might once have been “romantic” but now seems quite wasteful. I have seen a few of these cases end rather badly, with the financially responsible spouse working well into her 60’s to pay off the ex-husband’s debts. Frankly I am not 100% sympathetic with either party (even if I like them a lot as friends).
Fortunately I haven’t seen this in either of my daughters (at least not yet, there is still time). However, this is a reminder to avoid bailing out a child if they make this mistake on a moderate level, so that they can learn before they make the same mistake on a larger level.
^that’s one of many reasons I’m a fan of living together before marriage. It makes it a little harder to hide that kind of irresponsible spending.
On the flip side, I’d be wary of any female that wasn’t attempting to pick up her share of the check on a regular basis.
In my opinion you stay out of your kids’ marriage finances. The only exception I know about with some of our friends’ kids are multi-generational trusts or family run companies and then a prenup makes sense or some other legal device. People in this position are already working with advisors i guarantee you and someone joining those families are part of the discussion at a high level with advisors. If there are kids of that marriage they will benefit over time. But in terms of debt for an average couple that is a product of the middle class…I think that is on the kids to work out between them.
DS#2 has no debt. Girlfriend will have grad school loans. She has worked multiple jobs and wants to pay off her loans as her responsibility. We like her.
For a split second I was thinking “why would she stay with someone like that?!” Then I realized I’d skipped over the “ex” part.
My children all have no debt. My S had a manageable student debt that he paid off his first year working. His fiancé has student loans. I don’t know how much and I don’t ask. She also doesn’t have any parental support if she has a financial emergency. I’m assuming he will help her pay them off because that is the type of person he is.
Other kid is in a long term relationship with someone who graduated debt free but did it on his own. His parents provided him with zero financial support even though they had means. It drives my D crazy as he works so hard and it is hard to save and get ahead. Each car repair or health issue sets him back. She doesn’t understand how his parents can be so unhelpful. (His Mom will loan him money but always expects to be paid back) My D knows she is extremely lucky to have parents who are supportive. Where it gets fuzzy is when my D who has significant savings wants to buy something that they both will use. She doesn’t have a problem with it but he wishes he could contribute more. He has a good job and I think as they grow older he will probably have more earning power so it won’t always be so lopsided. D has an expensive hobby that is on her dime.
I like both of the significant others. I think it makes both of my kids aware of how lucky they are.
It’d probably make a difference in how the proportions of assets are split up post-divorce in non-community property states.
Incidentally, the issue of great disparity in finances is one reason why some wealthy/upper-middle class families who were on the frugal side worked with their child to put all of his/her assets in a trust well before marriage: To greatly reduce the possibility of the less frugal/heavily indebted/spendthrift prospective spouse raiding their child’s assets/inheritances on the sly or for him/her to get a sizable portion of those assets upon divorce. .
Why should he pay more in a BF/GF relationship just because he has a trust fund? Absolutely he should pay his fair share, but I don’t see the GF as having the right to resent him for not paying more than his share. Marriage, okay, that’s a huge commitment and many people view this as a partnership in which everything is shared regardless of income/assets disparity. But in a dating situation, even a serious one, I say if the the BF chips in more, that is a kindness, not an obligation. JMO.
@Nrdsb4 - In post #25 Deb22 stated her D’s boyfriend wasn’t truthful when he told her “he was a struggling grad student trying to make ends meet on a graduate stipend.” Her D paid for more of their expenses based on that and naturally felt taken advantage of when the truth about his trust fund came out. I would feel the same in her situation.