@NEPatsGirl that cracks me up. Sorry.
I’m sure she’s a very nice girl but I guess she found herself someone who can support her in a manner she is accustomed to. Her mom helped her pick out an apartment she can’t afford to split the rent with? That’s rich!
NEPAt… To me, that is a red flag. Her mom finds a nice apt, but then doesn’t want to help pay for it?
(This is coming From someone who let herself being financially used).
Totally agree with bookworm.
Very good question. I came from a solidly middle class family – probably close to upper middle class. ShawWife’s family started in the same place but her F was a serial entrepreneur and the mother inherited some money. But, she is a painter and was/unlikely to make much money. Remarkably, because she is very talented, her work is shown in good galleries and owned by museums and some collectors, she has been cash flow positive almost every year, but net of gallery take and costs, one wouldn’t want to live on the income she generates. I was clearly upwardly mobile in terms of income. She got a small inheritance when her grandmother died and we used that as part of a downpayment to buy a house. I paid all meaningful costs (mortgage, living expenses). When we had kids and moved to a town with good schools, her F gave us a big boost to pay for renovations. Again, my income pays for everything. She keeps a separate account for her art business (and art earnings). Everything else is shared. But, in a typical year, I might make 10-20 times what she makes. There has never been any question about spending – she is frugal and the only time there has been an issue is when she decided to do some more experimental projects that she didn’t think would be saleable. She asked if it was OK if she didn’t earn money for a year or two. Each time, I said, “Go ahead.” She’s actually done OK financially on those over time (one may go up in the lobby of one of the major public building’s downtown). So, no problem with debt – we share everything except for her art earnings and even there, she keeps the account so she can actually buy something for me with her money.
We organized the creation of a dynasty trust. The trust has us and our progeny as beneficiary. Very complicated to do – I hired one of the best lawyers in the country for guidance. Its assets are growing. The trust owns a condo in Boston that our D and roommates rented from us when she was in college/grad school and is now being rented to a couple with a 7 yo kid (great school district). The trust could distribute the downpayment on a house to the kids when they are ready to buy. Both kids have nice SOs at the moment AFAIK. ShawSon’s GF is an immigrant kid who is very frugal, sometimes spending too little when spending more would actually be better. (But, like me, she loves Costco). Don’t know the ShawD’s BF well enough, but went to a good private HS and good college and he’s got a very good job. If we suspected a kid’s spouse to be was a financial problem, we would consider having the trust buy the house for them (as we did with the condo ShawD lived in during school) and have them rent it or pay mortgage/maintenance. I suspect that would be very difficult to discuss or do. But might make sense.
Our S is living with his GF of about 2 years. I think they will be engaged later this year. He has no student debt or debt of any kind; she has a fair amount of student debt and is finishing PhD. He earns 3X what she makes, she contributes 1/4 of rent which is what she can afford only working part time and with school. We are in a position to help S with downpayment to purchase a starter home. House would be in his name, but what to do when they marry? He says he’d put it in joint names, but I worry. Any thoughts?
Re: #204
It may depend on whether her current financial habits indicate that she is careful with money, or if she is spendy to the point that it could be a source of trouble in the future.
No one ever gave me money for a house, I bought one myself because I wanted a garage for the car and a basement for the litter box. Later, I got married and quit claimed the house to him. It’s been working for 30 years or so.
@hilldweller- I think we are twins! DS#2’s gf is finishing her grad school/internship and has just accepted a job in his area that starts in the late summer/early fall that will pay probably half, or slightly less than half of what I think he makes. She has loans, he does not. And she needs to buy a car. They aren’t engaged, yet. He currently lives in a house with a bunch of other young adults. He will need to find a place for the 2 of them. Given that housing is ridiculously expensive where he lives, he’ll probably first rent a place, but I think he may have his eye on trying to get a condo or something. Maybe by then they will be engaged. They have dated for a long time but much has been long distance.
I think if you choose to help yours with the down payment, maybe gift the $ to him?
When my GF (now my wife) moved up to live with me, she couldn’t afford much of the rent as we were living in Harvard Square. I didn’t worry about it.
I would concur with @MomofJandL that if you give the money for a downpayment, you should assume it is gift that is going to become part of joint property. If a trust were to buy the house and rent it to them, that would be different.
@shawbridge- When DS#1 and his wife bought their house, they considered having his inlaws buy it and then they would do a lease-purchase, but the interest rate for his inlaws buying it as a second home would have been higher, so they instead bought it and took an interest free loan from his inlaws. They have paid it off, and there was no gifting of downpayment $ other than what they used from wedding present $.
As a parent, I’d stay out of the GF/BF housing business and save the money for a nice wedding present to both of them. They can buy a house with it if they want when the legal ownership is all worked out. I wouldn’t want to be the one interfering in their relationship and exerting control with outside money.
My wife and I share everything. I make four times more than her we have little debt other then a car loan, credit card debt and a mortgage. Like any long term couple we have had our disagreements but we keep trucking along. Both of our kids and daughter in law have all now graduated college and have decent to good jobs are paying down their debt. I have recently started working towards my bachelor’s degree after a significant gap from the last time I attended.
Hi
I have a situation I can’t wrap my head around. My D is engaged. Both she and her fiancé are college grads and have been working about a year. Her fiancé does not have any student loans. He lives in a home owned by his parents and was given a car (not new) . His parents also pays his auto insurance. My daughter has student loans. Around $20000. She is completely on her own and pays her own rent, car, insurance etc. She makes a bit more than her fiancé. Now here’s the problem, her fiancé loaned her 7000 to pay on her student loan. No interest and payable when she has finished paying her other student loans. I feel this was very kind and generous. My husband doesn’t like her fiancé and says if they are getting married it should be a gift. WHAAAAT? They will be a mine, his and our type couple when they get married. Am I wrong to feel this was a kind gift and should be repaid?
Personally, I can see what your husband is saying because we have always commingled our assets regardless of who is making more, working at the time, etc. However, since your daughter and her fiancé have agreed to a “his, hers, theirs” relationship, I guess it makes sense to pay it back. So, I’m somewhat in the middle. It’s kind of nice for him to do it, but I wouldn’t throw a party in his honor. 
Because this couple’s financial situations and financial relationships with their families are so different, maybe his/hers makes sense until they get married and his/hers/theirs makes sense afterward. In other couples, commingled assets make more sense. Everyone has to figure out what works for them.
It is a debt your daughter incurred before they got married. I think it is perfectly reasonable it is a loan and it was very nice of him to do so. If they should not get married, I think your daughter would be expected to pay him back. After they get married, maybe they will co-mingle their assets and maybe the won’t. At most states, any assets acquired prior to marriage is not to be split if there is a divorce, and I would think any debt incurred before marriage should be each person’t responsibility. Not sure why your husband think it should be a gift. They are not married yet.
They will work it out for themselves.
@Chumom – your daughter and fiance are not yet married. They could break up. So it makes sense to keep funds separate for now. After they get married they can work it out however they want.
I personally think that for a working couple, the yours/mine/ours route is a much better way to go once married, as long as the “ours” part is well funded, because it eliminates the source of a lot of conflict over spending, and there is flexibility if there is a disparity in income.
Seems like this should be the business of the two adults involved.
One more vote for let them work it out themselves.
My DS has no loans. His fiancé does. She does not currently have a car. His car is paid for. They are getting an apartment together. Her job starts in a few months. He makes probably more than twice what she will. I would bet he will pay the entire rent/utilities (which is a LOT where they live) but I won’t ask. Not my business, though we will be helping pay for the wedding, but that is a separate issue.