I would be concerned if either of my kids was in a relationship with a obviously huge power imbalance, such as one where my kid was paying nearly all of his or her income toward rent.
D has had a few friends that are WAY richer than her. She wanted to contribute when they did activities together (e.g. skiing at luxury places timeshares or owned by family) but couldn’t afford the activities, so contributed by paying the parking or for other things. It was never a romantic relationship, so it was not a room mate with benefits situation.
I have a much more mixed view of the situation @2019hope described than some other posters. If they were just roommates, the rent each party would be expected to pay would be the same regardless of any disparities in income. If they were married, I would agree he should be paying most or all of the rent, but they’re not married. If someone expects their partner in the words of one poster to “assist me financially”, beyond picking up the tab when they go out, that to me is closer to a marriage relationship than just a dating relationship. If the girl doesn’t want to get married, then she shouldn’t expect to receive the financial assistance and commingling that would normally come with a marriage. However, if he expects her to pay half the rent, he should be willing to move to an apartment or condo, where she can afford half the rent.
HIMom, my son’s first roommate was on full aid. When I went out for parents weekend, my son had a wish list. It included an a/c, a loveseat, … So I showed up with the a/c and tape. The roommate was there. He took charge of putting the a/c in window, and taping it well. He seemed so happy.
Forward to graduation, and his parents and I were arranged to be at same table. In their limited English, they praised my son for getting their son to,participate in events. Their praise was too much to mentions n here. The young men remain friends. It was clearly a relationship based on respect and friendship, and my meager $contributions (or my son’s) was subtle and didn’t affect the real meaning of friendship.for the record, my son’s roommate years later had him home for a weekend. My son reported it was a complex, with a guest house and full staff. While they slit rent etc., he knew it was no hardship,to join them on visits.
“However, if he expects her to pay half the rent, he should be willing to move to an apartment or condo, where she can afford half the rent.”
To me this is the key. Either live someplace together where it is affordable for both people, or the larger earner should be willing to subsidize even without marriage. If you are choosing to live with a significant other, it is serious and shouldn’t be treated the same way as a platonic roommate.
It just dawned on me…I think the Investment Banker BF might actually have a mortgage on the place. (99% sure he already had the apartment when he asked her to move in) I really hope not. I also hope that my memory is foggy and that I got the particulars wrong…
I know of two situations that don’t even involve romantic relationships where two people have shared a home and one has paid a substantially higher proportion of the rent or mortgage payment than the other. One involved a brother and sister. The other involves housemates who are not in a relationship. In both cases, one person had considerably more money than the other and wanted a nicer place than the other one could afford if they split costs 50/50.
This is not rocket science. You either split costs evenly and live in a place that the less affluent person can afford, or you set things up so that the less affluent person only has to pay an affordable amount and the more affluent one makes up the difference. Duh.
@2019hope - your friend’s daughter is being forced to live above her means. BF sounds like he may be a bit of a controlling jerk. Of course there are 2 sides to every story.
My best friend lives with us. I already had a mortgage on the house so he literally just pays a token amount (and I’ve let it slide in months where he’s getting less shifts) to cover things like increased water and electricity.
Why? Because he’s broke and I’m not. No romance between any of us… I just figure it’s the humane thing to do.
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^ Sounds like people who care for each other. Nice to hear.
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Well, yes, @doschicos, but in both of the cases I’m talking about, another important factor was that the more affluent person didn’t want to live in a cheap apartment in an icky neighborhood – which is all the other person could afford. And there’s nothing wrong with that, either, in my opinion.
@roethlisburger At the risk of disrupting the thread that has move onto another person’s BF, you may be right about Crummey letter. It’s been more than 15 years since I looked into that in detail. I might have included earnings since earnings of an irrevocable trusts are often distributed to beneficiaries to avoid higher trust income tax. I was replying to the question about the other BF, Deb’s daughter’s BF. It was if his trust was not at all available for him to spend. I maintain that there’s a good chance he was getting some money from the trust.
I never thought about dividing the rent based on income. Two of my kids live with a SO. I know they split the rent equally. I think in my S’s case for a lot of the time he made more money. They now are probably equal wage earners. I have no clue how they divide expenses except I do know he writes the rent checks and she pays him her half. Knowing the two of them they don’t keep accurate records of who is paying what. I’m not sure what they will do once they are married. Not my business.
With my other child I know she has a heftier bank account. The hard part for her is that she sometimes wants to buy something for their shared living situation that they both would benefit from but he doesn’t have money to pay half. She has the option of going without or buying it and paying the full cost herself. I think it has helped my D be more thoughtful in how she spends her money. She has been talking about making a change with her horse. The horse is her $. Her BF helped her figure out a budget of her expenses plus income. She realized that if she made the change it would be an emotional decision not a practical financial decision. By being in a relationship with someone who has supported himself since 18 she is learning to value her own money more.
My H is the primary source of income in our house. I have never felt that it is his money. I don’t go wild but I don’t feel the need to ask for permission. I am assuming my kids would comingle salary with their partners once married. I’m also assuming and advising that they keep some income they get from a family investment separate and only move into the joint account what is needed to live at least in the first few years of marriage.
My other kid is single but she is a squirrel with her money. I have no idea how she will approach marriage.
@roethlisburger to clarify I was referring to assistance with the rent because he asked her to move in and is making a lot more money. I agree that in general a BF should not be expected to support a GF financially. However, if he asks her to move into his place with a rent that is not affordable to her AND he makes 4X as much, to me he should pay more. Or, as both of us said, find a cheaper place.
If a couple chooses an apartment together, it should be affordable to both or the one making more can offer to pay more to live in a better situation if they want to. I know roommate situations (not romantic) where one pays more because they have the bigger room, or it may be the one with more money is willing to pay more because they want to live with a particular friend and want amenities not affordable to the other like doorman or gym.
My S and his gf (pretty sure soon to be fiancée) just moved in together in September. He makes just about double her salary, although she comes from a very affluent family and well he comes from this single family household with Mom working two jobs lol. I was a little taken aback when he said they were splitting the rent 75/25 because he felt that was all she could afford. I did not say a word, its not my business. What I was thinking though was “why didn’t you move into a place that was affordable to both of you and split it down the middle” but I’m pretty sure anything she could afford to split wouldn’t have passed her (or her mother’s) approval. Yes, I said her mother’s approval. Apparently Mom went apartment shopping with her several times while my S was at work and had a lot of influence on the choices, but hey that’s a new thread LOL.
My older daughter earns about twice what her husband does. She was hired as a teacher in the wilds of Alaska and he is a per diem sub/aide/handyman for the school. There is no other option for employment in the village. Residents are all hunters/fishermen/gatherers. They pool everything.
Other daughter is dating someone who easily makes twice her income. My guess is if they marry she will insist they keep separate accounts and split expenses.
In the scenario with the IB boyfriend charging half the rent, if this is a place he owns, then it’s especially egregious because he is acquiring equity through charging her.
