As one, I’m also going to put it out there that just because someone is introverted does not mean they need hand holding. In fact, for some, being introverted is actually a sign of confidence - confidence in themselves to not need to rely on others for entertainment, conversation, guidance, whatever.
Bottom line for ME reading this thread:
Understand @Hoggirl is hurt that her texts are not answered as that is what she would do. That is really her issue to get past?
Nephew is 32. If he is functioning decently well in life (has a job, relationships with friends, practices hygiene he does he should be treated the same as the 60 year old people in the room. Let kids grow up.
Tradition still remains even if it is missed once or stopped. You have had the tradition of the cousin photo for years it sounds like. You may get more! You may not. It’s still a wonderful memory and don’t keep score as to how many times it happened or who broke the streak.
Enjoy your family as they are. Hate the phrase but don’t sweat the small stuff.
My husband has said that nephew is clearly not interested in having a relationship with us. So, I suppose he reads the room better than I do. My fatal flaw, I suppose, is having hope.
I will greet nephew with a hearty, “Happy Thanksgiving,” and hope for the best. I won’t ask about any photos at all other than doing a quick sofa selfie of our immediate family. Which can happen before he or anyone else arrives.
Henceforth I will only send a simple, “Happy Birthday,” text once a year with zero expectations.
I have no doubt that some of you are accurate in my assessment of trying to be controlling. I am often a Miss Bossy Britches. I feel for my mil (nephew’s grandmother) because she has lamented nephew’s lack of communication and lack of interest in her as well. She has done a lot for him, and she is nearly 86 years old. As much as she can drive me crazy, I think she deserves better treatment from him. But that is not my problem to bear or deal with. I can’t get nephew to be a better communicator with her either.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful my ds communicates well and seemingly enjoys spending time with us.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up, and be uncomfortable once in awhile. And I say this as an extreme introvert who loathes social gatherings and avoids photos at all costs. I do respond promptly to most if not all texts however!
But sometimes being uncomfortable is a good thing. It’s a chance to grow. And sometimes you have to suck it up because it means you’re doing something to make someone else happy. It can’t be always about me.
And while I used to hate when my mom would take pictures of me and all my kids, 10,20 years later I look back and am happy to have them. I still hate looking at pictures of myself, but at some point I noticed in my photo albums it’s like I don’t exist. And while I don’t want to see me, I want my kids, grandkids, etc to see me as something other than an old lady. So I’ve been making more of an effort to be photographed once in awhile, though almost always with sunglasses.
This discussion remind me that I had two dear aunts that sent me birthday cards (with very nice handwritten notes) every year until they were about age 80. I appreciated those cards, but alas… I rarely sent them birthday cards (until their later years, when I did call and send cards now and then). Wondering now if they had conversations about whether I still cared.
I am pretty confident that you’ve done nothing wrong than be yourself who loves her nephew.
I think he’s just overwhelmed with texts and isn’t good at responding. The fact that he does the same with his grandmother shows a pattern. That has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with his lack of communication.
I’m extroverted and love being in photos, but I absolutely untag and request no tagging of me on social media, just for pure privacy reasons. I think there are as many combinations of these things as there are people
IMVHO, his lack of responses to infrequent but timely texts does not necessarily mean he doesn’t want a relationship with you and your husband.
And if he’s done the cousins pix with your son before, he may well be willing to do it again. I think that in this situation (I am mother to one adult and we have a very small family), I would leave it up to your son to connect or not for the photo.
And of course, as they said in (I think) Guys and Dolls, good advice costs nothing and it’s worth the price! Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel for introverts. I really do. I have a close friend who is an extreme introvert. When her husband was a corporate exec she dreaded the annual Christmas party. Very anxiety-inducing for her. I had to coach her (at her request) ahead of time on how to make small talk with people she didn’t know. She gets very deer-in-the-headlights in large groups of people. She also happens to be objectively beautiful. That coupled with her lack of participation in such settings has often caused her to be judged as, “stuck up.” Couldn’t he further from the truth. But, perceptions are what they are.
@conmama - oh, yeah. I’m irritated with him. But, I don’t think that’s why I continue to text. Definitely something to reflect on.
To be clear, I don’t except a response for every text I send - to anybody. But, a simple question - I do, yes.
Summer before last we were having a quick family lunch meet up at a restaurant as dh and I were passing through the area. Had texted nephew about joining us with the date. Said I’d keep him posted as details evolved. I didn’t expect a response to that. When we decided on the location, I sent the details of place/time and a hope to see you there. No response. I assumed he wasn’t coming. He showed up. We bought his lunch along with everyone else’s. No, “thank you.” When we were all departing, I said, “Thanks so much for making time on your day to come meet us.” And, he replied (I kid you not), “Hey - I got free food.”
When someone shows me who they are, I should believe them. As I wrote above, “hope,” is my fatal flaw.
My 18yo son has like 1000 unread texts so I don’t know how he keeps track of what’s new. He does respond to me when I have a question but he absolutely hates chit chat over text. He’s all business. Also I think your last message to him sounded a little passive aggressive. I don’t think you meant it that way but it does read as such.
In addition, the situation of the nonresponder can change. If he is in a serious relationship, has kids, just gets older/wiser, whatever, his feelings toward his extended family may evolve.
True. I’ve been texting with a cousin once removed A LOT lately, and before that, I’d seen and talked to him once in maybe ten years. He is not an introvert in any way though.
We’ve got a group chat going now and he and my husband and daughter talk trash about each other’s sports teams and my daughter actually got him to vote for the Pommel horse guy on DWTS last night. He replied, yeah, I’ll do it, but first let me know what I’m doing, lol.
It’s less what you do or don’t do and more how you feel about it.
He doesn’t text you. He also doesn’t text his grandmother. This isn’t a you thing. Don’t take it personally.
Do you have a therapist? A good one will help you learn to let go. Not everyone loves their family in the same way. You seem to think that his unresponsiveness indicates that he doesn’t value you. Who’s to say whether that’s true? It might be, but maybe he has his own way of demonstrating love. It’s not your way, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
Learning to let go means accepting people for who they are and how they are. Once you do that, you begin to realize it’s not about you at all. Nothing that you’ve written indicates that you are relentlessly overbearing. An enthusiastic aunt who wants to re-create this annual photo? Yes. But on the continuum of overbearing, that hardly registers on the graph. Having said that, a 32yo man gets to decide what he will and won’t do so you can REALLY want something, but that doesn’t mean that he has to go along with it. It says much more about him than it does you. Again, (((hugs))).
