I think perhaps the only thing you might want to let go of is the expectation/judgment that he is going to (or should) respond or reciprocate in a certain way. If you want to text him, text him. But don’t do it because you expect something out of it from him. Don’t expect a response, and don’t judge him if you don’t get that response.
I’m not talking about inundating him with texts, but texting him occasionally without the expectation of a response may be a way to let him know you care about him without social expectations attached.
You kid us not, but it sure seems like he was trying to be funny, and it fell flat with you. Seems like you have an awful lot of expectations and judgment relating to this person. If you can’t abide by who he is, then let him go. If you can, then accept him for who is without continuing to expect him to be who he is not.
It’s possible he’s a social person and he’s bombarded with texts. It’s easy to miss when you’re swimming in an ocean of communication. My 18 year old daughter only responds to me half of the time at best. She’s either studying, in class, or working. I can’t take that personally. I don’t think it’s you. I think he’s just really busy with his life.
I found this conversation between Brene Brown and Oprah really helpful in learning how important the stories we tell ourselves are in how we experience other people.
I think she also has a Netflix special. Might be too woo-woo for some, but I found value in it.
Reading the latest responses brought up something for me. I have one sister who is very generous to all her nieces and nephews. She has no children of her own. She has told me multiple times that my kids are great at keeping in touch and always thank her for gifts at birthdays and Christmas. She said my nieces do the same. She said my nephews never thank her for any gifts. She is annoyed and has even considered stopping the gifts to them. As adults they are money which is very generous. I don’t give my nephews a pass as adults but I have shared my opinion that my nephews were not taught that they should always thank someone for a gift. The Mom of the nephews herself is more of a taker. Do my nephews want a relationship with their aunt, probably in my opinion they would say yes but they make no effort at all.
My kids were most definitely taught to write thank you notes. (We had a post-Christmas tradition, admittedly with some resistance on their part.) I’m not sure if they send thank you notes now… perhaps by text or email.
I would look positively on the fact that he showed up to lunch and less about the process and what he said.
Sounds like he might be a bit awkward.
I could definitely see my kid or my nephew saying that. And not being outwardly polite.
But he showed up and had lunch. Means he wanted to see you. It’s difficult when you aren’t like that but especially when your kid isn’t. I’d say that the nephew wasn’t taught the same lessons but in my old age, I’ve decided that everyone beats to their own drummer.
Thanks for letting me (and other non-texters) know how you feel.
For what it’s worth, my personal mobile is usually turned off except when I am out and about on weekends, and even when it is on and I am carrying it with me, I am rarely inclined to use it for other than actual voice calls, directions, get an uber/lyft or to look something up. So it could be quite some time before I even see a text.
I doubt I’m alone in this, so I apologize on behalf of those of us who see and use our phones differently who didn’t realize we were hurting others’ feelings!
Definitely worth a conversation to see what communications methods work best for all involved.
Every single one of my adult kids and nieces and nephews have used this line at the end of some family gathering. Their generation laughs; my generation looks appalled. I’m guessing it’s from a tiktok or Instagram meme?
I don’t think it’s funny but I think it’s common enough so you can deduct points from your nephew for not being original, but can’t deduct points for being rude since I think it’s always intended to be a funny exit line …
Don’t look for reasons to think critical thoughts about him. He’s a nephew, not a spouse. And I’ll bet you dinner he can feel in his bones the various ways he’s disappointed you and possibly his grandmother. So time to burn some sage and let your annoyance go…
This reminds me of when I learned that ending texts with periods meant the sender was mad. I had no idea! I certainly didn’t mean to send that message, but how was I going to know unless someone told me that young people don’t like that?
It is always important to know your audience. The nephew surely knows that Aunt Hoggirl is not au courant on the latest TikTok craze, and will take his comment at face value, which makes it a very boorish response indeed.
Now, whether @Hoggirl should hold on to anger etc – up to her, but I agree life is too short to be angry with someone. Life lesson for me – you can’t control other people, you can only control yourself, and your reaction.
That said, you better believe a boorish response would be noted, and factored into my opinion of the person.
I could hear that comment from some young adults and even older adults I know. It would be said in humor but I think one needs to know their audience before making a flippant comment. My mother-in-law would be appalled but I would take it as a joke. It’s like sarcasm, some people in my family don’t handle sarcasm well and others are sarcastic it can lead to some hurt feelings.
Have you tried talking to his parents and asking if they have a clue as to why he never responds.
Regarding pictures, I don’t enjoy having my photo taken. I recently needed a photo of me to give to my DIL for her to share with my grandson speech therapist. I had a hard time finding one.
I would take his showing up as a HUGE “win,” not a slight, even though his response was “hey, I got free food.” He DID care enough to show up!
I have a son who doesn’t talk to me much at all. My approach if to only send texts that don’t require responses.
When VERY occasionally I send a text that truly needs a response, and he will usually respond to those.
Who has the emotional bandwidth to clock “boorish behavior” from someone you only see occasionally?
Spouse…of course, you live with that person. But a nephew? And you think these people don’t know you are judging them?
Out of a dozen aunts there are only two funerals I missed. All out of town, inconvenient, one out of the country. I missed one because I was in labor, and the other because that Aunt was a judgmental you know what. I wrote a note to her kids instead of attending the funeral ( struggled to write something appropriate) and got back a note from one of her kids “we so appreciate you writing. Our mother had strained relationships with so many family members, it meant so much to hear from you”.
If you are constantly keeping score on boorish behavior what room is left just to love people for who they are and the kind or generous things they do…even if they have bad manners???
One can form an opinion of someone without being a judgemental harpy!
I have a litmus test for those I am close to in my life. They must be authentic, kind, and there for me when I need them. If someone isn’t those three things, I am perfectly pleasant to them, but I don’t consider them friends, or people I want to invest time in.
Of course we only have an anecdote or two to go by. And much meaning is conveyed by delivery. But, with no other context, the nephew’s remark seems unkind.
People get judged on their manners all the time! All behavior is not unconditionally and uncritically accepted! Thoughtfulness is always a good thing. Gratitude is always good. And ingratitude, which the nephew’s comment seems to be, isn’t really a way to win friends and influence people.
Good insight, my 35 year old introvert wasn’t that hard to deal with before the pandemic, but he’s really difficult now. We are having a family reunion in a couple of weeks and we have no idea whether we will coax him out of his apartment or not. We’ve rented a hotel room for him so he has a place to get away to. We may have wasted our money, but this is the first time we will all be together in ages.
