<p>I think at this point you support and encourage, but I’d step back a bit, keep quiet for a while, and see what happens. If in four or five months you see a change for the better, you can remark on that. If in four or five months you see no change or a change for the worse, I don’t think you’d be out of line to comment (gently) on that fact either. </p>
<p>IMHO, you did the right thing, to ignore him (and hope he didn’t trip you, but also plan to dump it on his head if you did trip…).</p>
<p>I have had some serious issues with how my one brother, my favorite brother mind you from growing up, and how he raises his children.</p>
<p>My major problem with him and one of my other brothers is that they do not supervise their kids, they think that a family gathering, even in a restaurant or other public place, is an excuse for them to take a break.</p>
<p>As for what else to do - I know with my brothers, they would not listen to reason. I would tell them calmly what happened. For example, my autistic nephew made comments about sex to my 9 year old daughter. Did not touch her or himself for that matter, but used specific language. #1, she doesn’t visit there any more, and won’t until she is 18 or older (at least, may not ever visit - he may end up in a group home). #2, I told my brother, his father, and calming stated what happened. He shrugged it off and said “he’s just trying to say he likes her and doesn’t understand because he watches TV shows that have that”. So that’s the thing - he is okay with his son being that way, and not addressing it with his son. I have a son on the spectrum, and though I don’t know if it helps, I do discipline him as I do my other children. If you just give up, you end up with what my brother has, a 19 year old who walks in on a family party stark naked. If a kid is trainable, then they are trainable.</p>
<p>Very sad.</p>
<p>And maybe next year, have them host the party, if you’re the only one giving and they are the ones taking.</p>
<p>I’d try to follow her lead if she gets back to you about their family conversations, responding to what they perceive the dilemmas to be and acknowledging that parenting can be challenging as every kid is “wired” differently. If there is a chance to validate their efforts and questions, suggesting that there are ways to get the answers and support, that would be good. Most important to me would be to keep the lines of communication open and not being judgmental.</p>
<p>Eyeamom- you seem to have gotten off on the right foot here; trust your gut. </p>
<p>Your house. Your rules. You get to set the boundaries on your space and your person. If there’s a violation, point out the rule (no tripping people carrying stuff.) Let the parent discipline the child himself.</p>
<p>And yes, this child sounds disturbed. Both he and his parents need professional help</p>
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<p>Holy cow. </p>
<p>^^^^^not uncommon at all for a low-functioning or mid-functioning autistic child, who does not intuitively understand social norms regarding nudity. Frazzled D will usually just roll her eyes and calmly re-direct if confronted with a nude developmentally disabled teen, as would any of the young women who provided respite when he was growing up, or who work in our non-verbal S’s group home. (He is now in his mid-twenties and has gotten much better over the years, but there is still no guarantee that he will always keep his clothes on when appropriate.) Public masturbation is much worse, imho, as is attempting to touch strange women inappropriately and public urination. Again, much improvement, but still no guarantees, although he learned at some point in the process of toilet training to wet his pants rather than drop them to urinate in public, and has not wet his pants in several years, at least when home or on outings with us. (That is, he has always gotten to a toilet in time.)</p>
<p>And that is how behavior therapists who are effective in addressing this issue among this demographic can make some very good money. </p>
<p>fwiw, just about every parent I know with a low-functioning or mid-functioning autistic child has a story about their child disrobing or masturbating in an inappropriate context - a closed family gathering, with folks already aware of the disability, sounds relatively tame to me. If the child is verbal, making sexually explicit remarks out of context is also a strong possibility. So is inappropriate touching. </p>
<p>And a follow up…I received an email today: I spoke to “boy” about what he said to you and tried to get an understanding about how he felt about you. He did not recall what he had said and did not think he was mad and he said that he liked you and was comfortable around you. I put it on me. I need to give them some guidance on how to appreciate what other do for them, and to recognize it, overtime. This is so important and I am so glad you were able to discuss it with me. I was very upset but I would feel a failure if this was the way they were at age 20. This is the time to catch it and do something about it. </p>
<p>So, she didn’t get it. She is giving him a pass. I think my only move forward is to carry on with my limited contact. I’m sorry for anyone in the future who is bullied, robbed, harassed, etc by him. </p>
<p>Is the first paragraph what she wrote? Is she saying that her job is to help him appreciate kindness and he is essentially denying or blowing off what he said or how he acted?</p>
<p>So sorry that this SIL doesn’t get how important this is and am wondering if she is following up with school and the pediatrician. This is very troubling, but trying to pry 3 year old’s fingers from pool to drown him is even scarier. Wow! Denial runs deep. Am so sad that she’s giving him a pass. Does the H care? Is he noticing anything?</p>
<p>Can your DH address it with sister now? Tell sister that she didn’t really understand what you were saying. Tell sister that you have seen this boy physically harm a 3 year old, torture animals, etc. I don’t think you can let it go if the parents are in such denial.</p>
<p>Weird how she makes it about his feelings about YOU rather than his behavior.</p>
<p>I would be very scared for the younger brother if your H doesn’t step up and talk with sis. It’s really important to do as PROTECTION for the younger sibling who was nearly drowned by his older brother’s intentional actions. It would be hard to sleep if your H doesn’t at least try to point out that this needs to go further, for the protection of younger brother. The troubled kid can have all the good feelings in the world, but if he’s harming younger kids and animals, he needs help ASAP.</p>
<p>I would be very scared for the younger brother if your H doesn’t step up and talk with sis. It’s really important to do as PROTECTION for the younger sibling who was nearly drowned by his older brother’s intentional actions. It would be hard to sleep if your H doesn’t at least try to point out that this needs to go further, for the protection of younger brother. The troubled kid can have all the good feelings in the world, but if he’s harming younger kids and animals, he needs help ASAP. Your H needs to step up. Avoiding them won’t protect his younger brother.</p>
<p>eyemamom - I am sorry this did not go better for you, it seems that you did everything you could to bring up the issue while being respectful, and that you are concerned that your nephew is headed in a very troubling direction, aside from concerns about safety of others when he is in your house and not supervised.</p>
<p>I really do not see how you can continue to host them unless they can understand that for the forseeable future, a parent will need to be with him or nearby when he is in your house. You might add that if they are having difficulty, there are professionals that might be helpful, and that you will support them in their search for professional help, but that they will need to go through a diagnostic process to get an idea of what is needed. (It is hard for me to believe that the school isn’t already involved.)</p>
<p>I would also talk with your H about the danger the younger brother faces. </p>
<p>Denial runs long and deep. NOBODY wants to even imagine that their kid has emotional problems.
You see it, your family sees it, friends see it. Your SIL does not. If you think that there is a major problem (and clearly you do) you have to HAMMER the point. You must be very direct. Is she going to be open to it? No. But she’ll consider it in quiet times. Mad at you? Most likely. But don’t back off. But it will be in the back of her mind.<br>
It’ll be worth it. Eventually there will come a point that she can’t deny it any longer and she’ll be able to make better decisions about him knowing you (and others) saw the behavior sooner than she did…</p>
<p>I have a friend whose teenage son was hospitalized earlier this week for pulling a knife on the family and himself. This is scary stuff.</p>
<p>SIL seems to have made this an Emily Post issue in her mind and is assuming blame for his actions by stating she hasn’t emphasized appreciation enough, as if that would have eliminated these dilemmas, even though the issues seem well beyond parenting style . Does she think this is all her fault? She has put own “shortcomings” front and center, taking the spotlight off her son. She may also be noticing his behavior as increasingly out of sync with his peers. All poignant, as this is not about blame, but how to move forward constructively. </p>
<p>Not surprising that nephew can not connect his feelings and behaviors. He is young, reactive to unclear variables, impulsive and likely driven by internal processes most do not face. </p>
<p>You and DH will decide whether you want to go further or leave it here. Telling her you feel for him because there seems to be a disconnect between what he says he feels and what he finds himself doing may be useful. She could blow it off, it may be best heard from her brother, but it seems worth sorting out if you want to leave it as is or again try to put the bigger picture on the table in an empathic way, acknowledging the awkwardness of bringing it up and your love for the family. If going further is the choice, discussion seems more appealing than email. </p>
<p>Sad and worrisome. This is a tough road and facing it without expert diagnosis, information and treatment is daunting. Agree with others that it is unlikely the parents haven’t already heard concerns from the school. </p>
<p>I’ve actually been trying since he was 3 years old. Then at 4 I told her she may want to prepare herself for a lot of contact from the school. There are expectations now in Kindergarten that didn’t exist when we were young. The family was horrified I mentioned anything. I even told mil - be supportive when you start hearing about troubles, this will be the way for testing. And she was like…what?! He’s perfect, he loves his brother, he’s so sweet…yadda yadda… He strangles me because he loves me - lol (that was a joke) And sure enough - red cards every day. He told another little Kindy - shut the f up you little cry baby. And it was the teacher that was mean. It’s always the other adult. He does horrible things and she seems to just ignore it. She’d bring him to work and make the receptionist watch him, until she quit - receptionist and I went to the same hairstylist who told me about it. I kind of felt this was my last effort for awhile to open dialogue. But she clearly isn’t interested. I don’t know if hubby is even up for it because he knows it will cause a big stir up and no one else will admit there’s a problem. I know the school brings her in for meetings, I know he got a generic testing done. But if the parents don’t help with the evaluation, it won’t be thorough. I did tell hubby - boy I wish they’d given me one of the questionnaires.</p>
<p>Until you get the rest of the family on the same page, I fear she will not truly hear you as she has allies who support her version of reality. But, that said, keep plugging away, gently. Even when she doesn’t appear to comprehend the stark reality of her son’s situation, little bits of reality might just be taking root. And, keep an eye out for little sibling. His safety is in jeopardy, but he is also seeing what passes for acceptable behavior in that family…here’s hoping he doesn’t decide to copycat.</p>
<p>The parents reaction reminds me of a movie, the New Great Wonderful. One of the plots revolves around a couple and their psychotic child. They are in complete denial. At one point, the principal (Steven Colbert) calls them into his office after an incident where their kid injured another on the playground, cramming sand down his throat. The parents said, “Is he ok?” and the principals says that he is expected to make a complete recovery but they’re keeping him at the hospital. The parents respond, “no, our son. Is he okay?” Finally, the principal says something along the lines of, “your son is a monster with a heart of shit and splinters.” </p>
<p>I hope it doesn’t get to that point with your family. But the denial seems similar. </p>