<p>Thank you so much, timely, I was touched by what you said, and I just wish I could believe it. I wish he would come back. I am so tempted to try to find him and ask him to come back. I miss him.</p>
<p>Justoutofcollege, if you re-read this thread, no matter what we say to you, you keep responding, “I want him to come back. I miss him.” </p>
<p>You’ve got to consciously stop replaying this same broken record. Focus on something besides him. The pain of an injury doesn’t get better if you keep poking it with your finger, and that’s what you’re doing. </p>
<p>I don’t want to psycho-analyze you over the internet, and I’m not a trained therapist or anything close to it. But you sound like you really need to talk to a therapist ASAP. It sounds like your mother has convinced you that you are worthless, and that’s why you want him back - you don’t think you deserve any better. Well that’s WRONG. No one deserves to be abused. You are a lovable, valuable human being. Keep telling yourself that. You are a valuable person who deserves to be happy, and the first step on that path is finding a qualified therapist. Looking for Co-Dependents Anonymous may also help.</p>
<p>Happiness is out there. It may take a while to find it, but it will be worth it. Hang in there. Find a good book, go to a movie, WALK, do whatever it takes to keep your mind from thinking about him. When you think about him, tell yourself: I DESERVE BETTER. Then consciously do something else to distract your mind.</p>
<p>I just feel I made a lot of mistakes and had a big part in ruining things.</p>
<p>The past is over. Learn from it and move on. </p>
<p>No one deserves to be abused, no matter what you said or did.</p>
<p>I don’t know why you say my boyfriend abused me. He never did anything like that.</p>
<p>I don’t want to psychoanalyze you, either … but you need to realize that it is time to move on. So you may have made mistakes in the relationship; we all have done that. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes. There is so much more I’d like to say about this, but I do not want to come across wrong, so I will leave it to your professional.</p>
<p>This is very important to understand: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was (Anonymous). He will return if he wants to return … you cannot make him come back, and making yourself sick over that fact doesn’t do you any good … and doesn’t change anything. You truly have a multitude of company. You aren’t the first to have her heart broken, you won’t be the last … and millions have proven that time will heal.</p>
<p>And you know, a huge part of why I miss him is because how my mom and my best friend responded (my friend, she tries, but it really feels like she has better/more important things to do) makes me feel like I lost the only person who was there for me.</p>
<p>This relationship has made you sick and miserable. This is not how you want to feel. There are a lot better things ahead for you, but first you have to decide you deserve something better.</p>
<p>While you’re waiting to see a therapist, keep telling yourself:
- I AM going to be happy again.
- I deserve a LOT better relationship than that one.
- I am strong enough to get past this and create a much happier life for myself.</p>
<p>Whether there is someone else in the room or not, YOU can take care of you. Decide to do it, and encourage yourself by replacing fear-filled thoughts with self-supportive and self-affirming ones. I know you can do it.</p>
<p>But the thing is, he WAS/IS NOT there for you. He’s left you. It does not matter whether you made one mistake or many mistakes or if it’s mostly his fault, the relationship is broken; it’s gone. You need to accept it and move on.
If your mother and your best friend are not appropriately sympathetic, try to make new friends. But you won’t if you keep repeating to yourself and to cyber strangers, “I miss him, I want him back.”</p>
<p>What you are feeling is normal. You are grieving. There is a lot of information about grief on the internet. Everything will get better. </p>
<p>I found this on a website:</p>
<p>There are five stages of grief. If we you get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur. </p>
<p>The five stages of grief are: </p>
<p>1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familiar places etc. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. </p>
<p>2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even or blaming them for leaving. </p>
<p>3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. </p>
<p>4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. </p>
<p>5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. </p>
<p>Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can’t stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.</p>
<p>Just so you know, justoutofcollege, I’ve been sitting here crying with my S tonight who is going through the same thing you are. And he just wants her to come back. He made a lot of mistakes, too, and they probably did ruin things. </p>
<p>He was just ready to call her and leave a message (he’s sure she wouldn’t pick up the phone) telling her he was sorry for the mean things he said on the phone when she broke up with him, when a friend called him and told S he had talked to the girl, and she is progressing in a relationship with a guy from work (who she met and at least started a flirtation with before the breakup) and she was telling S’s friend that this guy is “such a great guy” and “he tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever liked”, etc.</p>
<p>S just wants to call her so that she’ll think about him and realize what she’s doing is wrong, etc. I’m telling him that you can’t make someone love you, no matter how much you want them to. But he just can’t believe it’s over; he can’t go there. </p>
<p>A broken heart is likely the worst pain you will ever feel in your life. Don’t expect to feel better right away. A therapist can help you start moving in the right direction, though…help you to manage the pain.</p>
<p>I will be praying for you tonight.</p>
<p>{{{Hugs}}}</p>
<p>Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>The reason I am so tempted to find him, timely, is because he has come back before when I tried to ask him. I am so sorry for your son. I cannot imagine what it feels like to know the person is with someone else. He is lucky to have you to take care of him though and keep him from calling.</p>
<p>Give him a chance to miss you. He can’t miss you if you are asking him to come back. Remember that someone who is needy and begging is not very attractive to the other person.</p>
<p>Now you need to go to bed and get some sleep. Do you have any Benadryl in the house? If you do, take 2 of those and it will help you sleep. Maybe put some classical music on the radio to help you go to sleep. Don’t listen to regular radio with all those sad songs; it will just make you feel worse. And go ahead and cry it out.</p>
<p>Remember, first thing in the morning call a therapist.</p>
<p>Today is the worst day yet. I don’t know why it’s getting so bad. Isn’t it supposed to get better?</p>
<p>How do I find a therapist covered by my insurance? I don’t really have computer access after work (because I am staying somewhere else) and during work I am not supposed to use the internet, AND they monitor it, so I am concerned.</p>
<p>I am in a state of panic right now. I wish I could just leave work and go to the hospital, but I can’t lose my job.</p>
<p>So how come you are posting on CC?</p>
<p>On your lunch break, look in the phone book, and call some therapists and ask if they are in the network of your particular insurance. Also, after work, since you are in the big city of Manhattan, there are many places like internet cafes or libraries where there is computer access. Also, even if you are staying with someone else, can’t you stop home and take care of what you need to on your computer and then leave if you don’t wish to spend the night?</p>
<p>If you feel desperate, call one of the hotlines posted to you on this thread and get their advice.</p>
<p>Martie, I can do it from my cell phone, and it’s a lot harder to look stuff up, because some pages are a lot more distorted.</p>
<p>Take care of this on your lunch hour and try to do your work now…it will be a good distraction and also you don’t want to get in trouble at your job.</p>
<p>If you find you can’t work, tell you boss you are sick and need to leave. That’s the truth. Your insurance company’s phone # should be on the back of your insurance card. Call them and explain the deal. They will give you #'s of dr’s you can call.</p>
<p>“Give him a chance to miss you. He can’t miss you if you are asking him to come back. Remember that someone who is needy and begging is not very attractive to the other person.”</p>
<p>But he never will miss me. He has said and said this time that he would not only be OK but this is what he wants in never to see me or have any contact with me again. There were times we haven’t seen each other for weeks. He never ever missed me. Yes, I know that that probably just tells you that I am wrong to pursue him, but I always thought that maybe he will come around as he grows older, etc., and I just don’t know how people can let go of the most important person in their life.</p>