Does anyone has any advice?

scualum · August 4, 2008, 11:56am

just:

I know it is hard to internalize - but nearly everyone goes through this at some point in their life. From experience, I can tell you that you will get better eventually - but for now you need to remember that every journey begins with one step.

Why don’t you start with a short walk. Just go around the block. While on the walk, try to find something on the street that you have never seen before. Really focus on finding that unique object… Then come back and tell us about it.

At the same time, as many of the other posters have suggested, go see a therapist - or a minister/priest - or both. They can and will help you.

You don’t need a computer to find the number of a therapist in your plan - simply call the 800 number that is on the back of your insurance card and they will be glad to give you the names and numbers of people in your area.

Ministers/Priests don’t care if you are a part of their religion - nor are they going to try to convert you. They will give you someone to talk to - and also give you some good advice on how to deal with this stuff.

Lots of hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way…

justoutofcollege · August 4, 2008, 12:29pm

I just called my mom. I wanted to seeif maybe I could explain to her that I just wanted to talk and that she would listen instead of saying that I feel this way because I haven’t slept.Instead, it blew uo in my face. She said that I was a selfish person because I never was as upset when my grandma was sick, and then my mom just started crying saying again that I just want all this stuff to happen to me because otherwise my life is too boring. She said that she is pretty much done with me, and that I just need her when things are bad. I really feel like that line has been cut.

I know things have not been well with my parents and me, but I was hoping that maybe my mom would help me through this. I really needed her to just be my mom again like when I was little and come and hug me and comfort me and let me talk.

soozievt · August 4, 2008, 12:38pm

Do not rely on your mom for this. She obviously has other issues between the two of you and can’t be what you want at the moment.

First, you need to see a therapist.

Second, what about your college pals? Are any nearby? If not, can you call them for some moral support as you go through this painful situation (which will improve over time but you do need people to talk to).

justoutofcollege · August 4, 2008, 12:47pm

I called a therapist, but she didn’t pick up, so I left her a message. The thing that really scares me is that I can probably only go very few times because of how tight my finances are, or I will keep going into debt. I guess though, that’s not what I am really afraid of. What I am really afraid of is that I will be alone after the hour is done with nowhere to go really.

The only people I could talk to were him, my friend, and my mom. My friend is the last one left, and she has a boyfriend she is excited about, and I think she is just pulling away. I literally have no one else. I have had thoughts of just going to my school (many hours away) and just trying to talk to someone there and staying in a random dorm, but I will lose my job.

I am sorry I’ve been acting so weird. Everything takes effort. I know people recommend taking a walk, but I just get really anxious alone. I also have a really hard time concentrating. My thoughts are racing. It’s like I try to find a therapist and I can’t right away, so I close the page, and I get up, and then I come back. I can’t sit still. I just want some certainty.

justoutofcollege · August 4, 2008, 4:58pm

On top of everything, there is a pretty good if not 100% chance that he will be working for the same company accross in a building across the street from me withing a month. In a way, it gives me comfort. In another way, I don’t know how I can not look up whether or not he did get hired (I can look at the list of employees) and how I can not talk to him.

justoutofcollege · August 5, 2008, 9:35am

I went to the hospital yesterday and saw a psychiatrist. It was better for a bit but then everything just came back. I just keep seeing his face in my head. The psychiatrist gave me numbers to call for a counselor, but I have to get my insurance card first which is at my apartment, and I have a really hard time going back there.

The thing still is though that I don’t have any support the rest of the tine, and I still have no idea what to do about that. I didn’t go to work today. I don’t know who else to turn to for support.

dsultemeier · August 5, 2008, 9:53am

Sorry but I am just now reading your posts. You need to go to work. It’s very important. If you lose your job you will have even more serious problems to contend with.

This is a good time to throw yourself into your job. It will help take your mind off things. Perhaps you could work overtime or get a second job to make more money since you have mentioned that finances are tight. Or start a small business.

Volunteering at a homeless shelter or other place might also help take your mind off your problems plus you can help other people.

Whatever you do you need to spend some time today interacting with other people. Volunteer, sign up for a community education class, join a club, go to church, etc. Focus on other people for a little while. Staying at home by yourself dwelling on your situation is not helping you.

soozievt · August 5, 2008, 10:00am

I think you also should go into work because that uses up many hours of the day where you can be distracted. I know it is hard but it is better to do that. You also do not want to lose your job. I think you just have to go back to your apartment and get that insurance card too because you say you want help and you were given some help and you need to follow those directions in order to obtain that help. If you absolutely cannot function whatsoever, I would mention that to the psychiastrist. I completely understand the stress and heartache and how difficult this is for you. You need a counselor for starters, and then also fill up part of the day with work and other things so there is less time to focus on this painful stuff.

Do you have any friends from college who would be willing to chat on the phone?

What did the psychiastrist suggest since you seem to not be willing to stay alone in your apartment? Any advice this person gave you, try hard to follow it.

timely · August 5, 2008, 12:18pm

Good for you for going to the psychiatrist! That’s a great first step! It’s not a miracle cure, and I know that you don’t want to hear that it takes time, but it does. No one here can tell you that you’ll feel better in 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 months. Everyone is different.

I concur with the others…go to work. Go to the apartment for 5 lousy minutes and get the card. What’s the worst thing that can happen? You’ll start crying while you’re in there. So what? You are crying all the time anyway. It is important to get that card and get to a counselor. You cannot keep on leaning totally on your friend this way. That is too much for one person to handle. I am concerned that she is going to start to feel “sucked dry” and then she will distance herself from you. Even though you are hurting, you have to be a friend to her like she’s been a friend to you. You have to consider her needs.

Is there room in your apartment for a roommate? If so, I’d suggest posting a listing on Craigslist that you are looking for one. Having a roommate to share the apt. cost would give you the money you need to pay for the counselor. People in NYC are desperate for housing, right? I’ll bet you could find someone who would room with you even if she had to sleep on the couch, as long as you carved out some closet and dresser space for her. She doesn’t have to be your new best friend…just someone to share some of the bills and who will be around some of the time so you aren’t so lonely.

Did the psychiatrist suggest any medication for you? I think it might help you get through these next weeks to be on an anti-depressant.

justoutofcollege · August 5, 2008, 5:37pm

Please, can anyone help me with any more ideas? Anything? I really don’t know where to go. I can’t get an appointment for right away (not until a few days ahead at the latest).

Something not so good happened to me. I was in a cab, and I was really upset. And thje cab driver started touching my hands and kissing my head. I was really scared. I thought of telling my bf, but he won’t believe me.

I really can’t wait a few days. I’ve already been to the hospital, and I don’t have the money to stay there.

lunitari · August 5, 2008, 5:58pm

Just, the best advice I can offer is that you need to act the part of a happy person while you wait for the sadness to pass.

There is no cure for the sadness of a lost relationship except time, and there is no magic Fast Forward button you can push to speed past it. The only way out is through.

Fake it till you make it, in other words. This sounds silly. But if you make yourself go through the motions and play the role, eventually you won’t be faking it anymore. And above all, you won’t be sitting around staring at the wall, steeping in your own misery, putting that misery under a microscope so that you can describe in minute detail exactly how miserable it is.

What would a happy, healthy person do today? Well, she’d go to work, for one thing, and do her best and her job, and greet her co-workers pleasantly. She might ask somebody to grab a bite to eat at lunchtime with her, or strike up a conversation at the water cooler or in the break room that did not center on her and her misery.

She might buy herself a bouquet of daisies on the way home, because seeing them makes her smile.

She might call up a friend she hasn’t seen for awhile and ask how she’s doing, and set up a time to get together.

She might volunteer to do something good in her spare time, like walking dogs for an animal shelter or running errands for an elderly person.

She might join a group that shares an interest of hers, like movies or playing games or reading literature, so that she gets out of the house and gets to know some new people (the Meetup site is great for this, it’s designed specifically to help people meet up in person around common interests, and there are tons of Meetup groups in NY).

You won’t feel like doing any of these things. Do them anyway.

At first they won’t bring you any pleasure at all. Do them anyway.

And don’t call him. The person who caused the pain is not the antidote to the pain. You need to be happy in your own life, with your own self, before you can find happiness with another person.

Emotionally, you’re not ready to move on. But you can still force your feet to move you in the direction of that country called Moving On. That way you’ll be much closer to your destination when your bruised heart finally catches up.

oldfort · August 5, 2008, 6:00pm

This is not real. There are many things you could say about NYC cab drivers, but to kiss a passenger?!! Why were you sitting in the front seat? No, I don’t think anyone would believe you.

whatever4 · August 5, 2008, 6:08pm

And if you’re worrying about affording a $20 co-pay for a therapist, why are you taking a cab?

justoutofcollege · August 5, 2008, 6:16pm

I am sorry you don’t believe me. I feel bad that you don’t. I got in the cab, and I was crying and talking to my friend on the phone. When I got off, the cab driver told me that I will be happy again, and he guessed certain things about me like the month I was born, etc. He offered to read my hand. Normally, I would no believe this stuff, but I wanted to hear something positive, and he seemed like a nice older guy who was just trying to help. So, he asked me to sit in the front to read my hand. At first, he was nice, and then he kept holding my hand, and I really just thought he was trying to comfort me. Then, he started kissing it, when we stop he would kiss my head or face. I don’t know why I didn’t say something or get out, but I was scared. I thought that maybe he would take me somewhere else altogehter.

When I got out I was so shaken up I just stood on the street next to a security guard, and I told him. He encouraged me to file a police report, which I will do.

I realize it’s my fault in part but I really did just freeze.

justoutofcollege · August 5, 2008, 6:24pm

And I was taking a cab because ever since I was in high school being in a car just alway made me calm – just staring out of the window, and this was right after I called and found out I couldn’t see anyone right away, and I was really anxious again.

I am sorry. I realize maybe I shouldn’t be posting here because people seem annoyed with me. I know that you can’t really understand why I am freaking out and maybe it just seems like I don’t have real problems. I am sorry for offending or annoying anyone.

kelsmom · August 5, 2008, 6:59pm

I, too, find myself wondering whether or not all of this is real. However, I happen to have a brother whose life has been completely shattered by clinical depression … so I am going to consider it real.

Just, my brother is a 51 year old man who has struggled with depression for many years. In his younger years, my brother was able to deal with things okay. He was sad a lot and had difficulty in his relationships. As time passed, he began to let things slide little by little. Things like going to work. When he was feeling really bad, he’d miss work. After years of slowly sinking deeper into depression, he reached the point where he stopped picking up his mail (too many unpaid bills), stopped cleaning his apartment, stopped eating anything good for him, stopped going to work. He lost his job. He lived in his car. He weighed 420 pounds. Today, he lives with one of my other brothers, because he is unable to face the issues of his life & therefore has not yet begun to heal.

Why do I tell you this? Because you need to understand what happens when you do not deal with depression. If you let it build, it gets worse. All signs in your posts point to depression. Obviously, I could be wrong. But if I’m wrong, why aren’t you getting off your rear and moving forward??? Maybe because you CAN’T … and that makes me think you need medical help. You need to be completely and totally honest with your psychiatrist, the sooner the better. We cannot help you at this point. Only YOU can help yourself. We can only offer advice (and worry when you do not take it).

justoutofcollege · August 5, 2008, 7:45pm

This is all real. I don’t know how to prove it. I am here because I am trying to reach out. I am too embarassed to talk to what friends I have left. And I feel the only time my life can be normal is when he is there. I am not making this up. I wish I were.

lunitari · August 5, 2008, 8:00pm

You miss him, and you’re grieving. That’s a very natural reaction to the end of a relationship.

But if you feel you can’t function as a normal person without a boyfriend, there are bigger issues here than a failed relationship. You need to work on those issues first, romance later.

You can do this. The first step is recognizing that you need help (which you’ve already done). The next step is actually following through on getting that help. You can do that, too.

Don’t expect overnight miracles. Just concentrate on the ONE thing you need to do NEXT, whether that’s getting dressed for work or going to a therapy appointment. One thing at a time. One foot after another.

As I told my favorite student worker many times during low points in her college years: “You’re in a tunnel, not a cave. If you keep going, you will come out the other side.”

soozievt · August 5, 2008, 8:04pm

I am sorry about your incident in the cab.

Did the psychiatrist give you his number? Consider calling to explain that you are having difficulty even functioning right now…your anxiety/depression and so forth. Ask how you should proceed. I hope you have lined up the counseling appointment. If you must, call a hotline.

I liked the idea someone gave you that if your BF moved out, perhaps you can get a roommate so that at least you are not alone in your apartment as you can’t keep staying over your friend’s house indefinitely. The new roomie may not become a good friend but will be company. You can use craiglist for this.

If your problem is so severe, you may have to go home if you cannot make it through a day and go to work and so on. I am not convinced you need to do that. I am convinced you are indeed in pain and suffering but you should be able to at least function even if very sad. I totally understand the sadness of your situation. But your posts are very desperate sounding such as your saying you can’t stop home to pick up your insurance card. So, while many people would be in pain with this relationship breakup and affected by it understandably, they might be able to function enough to do the basic things. If you cannot function at all, you need a crisis hotline. Others, including myself, think you should stay busy with work, go on a walk, go to a movie, read a book and try not to spend 100% of your time lamenting your situation, even though I totally get while it is affecting you at this time. Nobody thinks you should be “over it” but that perhaps you normally woulld not be crying ALL day and would be able to handle some tasks. If you cannot, then please go to a support group in tne city or call the hotline or psychiatrist and ask how to proceed. You may need medication, I surely can’t say. Your appointment is in a few days and that should also help.

annikasorrensen · August 5, 2008, 8:22pm

Do you belong to any particular religious denomination OR feel halfway comfortable with one? Many churches/religious groups have sliding scale fees for counceling with professional counselors. Our local church does - you’d likely pay little to nothing. Also, even if they don’t have a professional counselor, some churches have trained laypeople for helping those in crisis.

You could also try certain self-help groups, such as a Co-Dependent group. If your family has any history of alcohol or substance abuse, Al-Anon groups would be another place to reach out (because co-dependency and coming from families with substance abuse issues often go hand in hand).

Do you have any friends or a community that you could move to and be more active? Sometimes just getting out of the house/apartment and living life within a community can be very healing. You mentioned your BF may be living/working close to your job site? Maybe this is just not a good town for you to live in. There are all sorts of reasons one could use to justify staying, but golly, there are just as many for making a fresh start in a community that you can thrive in without that added stress of a BF lurking around.

You’re probably right that professional counceling from the hospital/private practice is out of reach - it is out of reach even for those with insurance very often, or limited # before it runs out. So, for the majority of adults - we need to look for alternative support groups through our community, our churches, as well as pick activities that just keep us busy and fulfilled.

Best of luck,

Annika

Does anyone has any advice?

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