<p>It is really encouraging to hear that shy people can succeed in some unexpected environments!</p>
<p>After reading this thread, I am struck by the inherent difficulty in prediction… We think and our kids think that they want a certain experience and that a certain college is a “fit.” Until it isn’t. No generalizations, though, that the same environment might be a poor fit for a similarly shy or introverted student, as other parents have mentioned that their shy student is thriving in said setting. Rather, something did not work out. Now, how to regroup and reassess? This is something our kids will face at some time in their lives, if they have not already. Life sometimes is unpredictable. We make decisions based on the information we have-- brochures, visits, an overnight stay-- but the information is always limited. If the reality does not work out, then we need to decide our next steps. So much of life is like this that this is a wonderful learning opportunity for this young adult. </p>
<p>And yes, kids grow up and learn, whether they live away at college, at home commuting, or with friends in an apartment. There is no one, right way. Actually, internationally, most young people live at home and attend uni. They grow up just fine.</p>
<p>I like that the OP and her D are looking at options where the student can try out classes and see how it feels before committing to full-time, matriculated status. Another student might not need to take an incremental approach, but the OP’s D is handling complex medical (MH) concerns as well as run-of-the-mill shyness and/or introversion. If she feels she needs the predictability and support of being at home right now, good for her for knowing herself well and good for her parents for respecting her self-knowledge. Wishing you and your daughter a good New Year, OP1</p>
<p>You made my day, mamita!! <3</p>
<p>Truly lovely post, mamita!</p>
<p>I am not that shy of a student, but since this was the only decent school around my home at the time, I went to a pretty small school. It was alright, but I also noticed the students act differently too and know one another very well, so it seemed it wasn’t the perfect place for a shy student, since everyone knows everyone well.</p>
<p>Anyway, long story short, we moved to another city and I was exposed to a huge high school with 3000 student population. I enjoyed this school better and adapted to its environment pretty well. I think it is true that these places are better for shy people as I noticed because since there are too many students, it’s too hard for a single shy student to be noticed too well.</p>
<p>OP, thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles this past semester. To think she had found the perfect fit and then learn painfully otherwise must be so disheartening for her. She’s lucky it was realized early though and that she has your support in figuring out the next step.</p>
<p>vacation09 -" So glad to read this and totally agree. My introvert and I looked at many small schools, and finally realized that she would really be under the microscope at any of them because of all the individual attention. Instead she is in an honors program and a living learning community at a big state school. She’s created a small community that supports her, but has all the advantages of size (many classes, research, great professors). "</p>
<p>The above ended up being our experience as well with our very introverted, deep-thinking, “marches to the beat of his own drum” son who is in his first year of college. For a long time, I felt like it was a given he would do best at one of the small, more intimate and non-traditional colleges - Hampshire, Bennington, Bard, New College of Florida, etc. - but he ended up choosing the Honors College of a much larger (though not huge) state school and is very happy and comfortable there. </p>
<p>I’m not very familiar with NYU, so I don’t know if they have an Honors College, but I know the CUNY schools do if she’s interested in commuting to school in the city. An idea to consider?</p>
<p>Wishing her all the best!</p>
<p>Yes! We are also considering a couple of CUNYs and are touring one next weekend. Because she needs to ease back into the college experience, she will not be looking at Honors Colleges, as that would require fulltime enrollment.</p>
<p>I also thought a small LAC would be a great fit for my very shy son. It turns out that when we visited a LAC he made it clear to us that he didn’t like that environment at all (found it “creepy” and felt “everyone would know too much about everyone elses business”). We were happy that he spoke up or else we would definitely have pushed him in the direction of a LAC. After a lot of searching we saw that he was most comfortable with mid-sized universities where the classes would generally be small but there was still room if he wanted to “fade into the background” a bit. He ended up going to Fordham was a great place for him and it might fit her needs as well – she might be able to start off p/t and switch to f/t. (Ironically my much more outgoing D chose to attend a LAC so you just never know.)</p>
<p>Best of luck to your D going forward.</p>
<p>Actually, my daughter received a nice merit award from Fordham at Lincoln Center, and chose Sarah Lawrence instead because they seemed more geared to her literary interests. However, Lincoln Center is also very small, though the average class size not like SLC’s. Thank you so much for the thought and support – we have a lot of re-thinking to do!</p>
<p>^^^I was actually thinking Fordham-Rose Hill which has a larger undergraduate student body. But it sounds like you are doing a great job of sorting through the best options with your D and do I hope that she has smooth sailing from here on in.</p>
<p>My3daughters, I would just like to offer support re: your acceptance of your daughter’s innate character. I have an introverted student, and have accepted that he needs down time and will interact with his friends on his own terms. I expect this will come into play in his career as well, and he will be in control of his choices. Thanks to all for the ideas re: good career areas for introverts.</p>
<p>Other parents- please understand that My3daughters is the expert on her child and that she has undoubtedly done her homework. </p>
<p>“Quiet” (in a world that can’t stop talking) is a fabulous book, as is “Introvert Power”, and both offer strategies for getting through meetings, giving presentations, networking, going to parties, etc., that are superb advice for people who are exhausted by too much interaction with extroverts (or activity, or just plain stimulation. Both are great reading for anyone…</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the support, CheshireCatMom! It is indeed a challenge to find the best way that a shy student can fulllfill his/her potential in an extroverted culture. Sometimes a certain friend, a certain teacher, a certain environment can make all the difference, and it’s hard to plan that out. At this point, I beleive it will be enough for my daughter to find an atmosphere where she won’t be miserable. As long as she can get through her studies, the transformation, self-actualization and joy can come when it will.</p>
<p>As a shy student I agree with this post. Moving from a bigger school to a smaller school had both positive and negatives. The negative is that there is “less room to hide,” so to speak. However, it also forces you to come out of your shell- which has been pretty beneficial to my in-class social skills.</p>
<p>I guess my daughter simply wasn’t ready to be coaxed out of her “shell”, because if any school could’ve done that, SLC was certainly the one!The professors and administration were super nurturing, she became best friends with her room mate, she really enjoyed her group therapy sessions, and liked the setting and proximity to NYC. But because she was dangerously depressed, I simply couldn’t force her to stick out the year. (I should note that she was NOT dangerously depressed the summer before going to school, and hasn’t been since leaving, though she has been on meds and in therapy for nearly 3 years.)</p>
<p>Part of her social phobia is feeling on display and judged, and this was too much all at once. Whether true or not, she felt her classmates were all super confident, very strongly opinionated and confrontational in class, and overwhelming to her tentative nature. She never felt that way in her large, competitive, upper middle class public high school, where most of her classmates (almost all) were the children of high achievers and pretty sure of themselves as well.So this was simply a culture not right for her, and maybe the tiny size (smaller than her high school) emphasized that. </p>
<p>I know there are those on this thread who feel one can’t generalize about SLC. But even the recent movie out this past fall, “Enough Said” with James Gandolfini, made several quips about the typlcal SLC student as being “out there”. This stereotype didn’t come from nowhere. In fact, it’s what drew us to the school! I think my daughter wasn’t counting on unconventional as also being very self-assured and sometimes argumentative.</p>
<p>A shy (though not as shy) cousin moved from a small environment to a very large one, and flourished. I am going to hope for that at this point!</p>
<p>OP- you did the right thing in assessing a mid-course correction for your D. We all know kids who slipped into a depression or an unhealthy psychological state, and the combination of denial or just unawareness on the part of the parents makes the situation worse.</p>
<p>Your D sounds unusually self-aware; small schools are not for everyone.</p>
<p>Bless you, blossom : )</p>
<p>I go to a small college in relatively big city and I’m not particularly shy, but there are several “shy” people no matter where you go. At the end of the day, your daughter will have to deal with people and get to know them some point in her life. It won’t be a fast transition, but online classes and such will make for a steady one. Eventually, I’m sure she will get more comfortable with people and herself around people.</p>
<p>Well, she’s been around people all her life, from playgroups starting at age 18 months to mainstream schooling for 15 years (pre-school through hs graduation), to competitive high school band organizations to summer jobs as a theater usher and restaurant hostess. Even in a room full of close relatives she is unusually quiet, though she spoke in full, articulate and complex sentences at 16 months. It is not so much being around people but being expected to initiate and share ideas verbally. For her, being in a small group of mostly assertive classmates drove her further into retreat. In a larger setting she can observe and absorb. She’s in therapy to try to feel better about expressing herself verbally-- it’s hard. An award-winning writer, she has great difficulty in sharing what she writes and has to be pushed – a lot – to let anyone read her stuff. She has been very successful with long -term steady romantic relationships, and speaking up in small therapeutic groups – not so successful with social groups of girls or speaking up in social or academic groups in general.</p>
<p>I stumbled onto this thread and want to say to My3Daughters (and several others who commented as well) that you sound like a fantastic parent who really knows her child and is willing to do the work to make her life and her world the best possible. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young person also.</p>
<p>I’ve been fortunate that my children haven’t had the medical issues your DD is dealing with but even the much lesser challenges they’ve had have taken a lot of work, introspection, and talking it through with a variety of people. It’s not easy to do, especially with other children in the family. It’s fortunate that you have the financial resources which can make a big difference, but while resources are helpful they don’t make pain magically disappear.</p>
<p>I don’t think you’re ‘coddling’ your child or are making decisions for her. Both you and your daughter have worked hard and tried to do what’s best for her. Sarah Lawrence didn’t work out for her but that doesn’t mean you did anything ‘wrong’ or that your daughter shouldn’t attend college! It sounds like a college environment and the writing resources she’ll find there will help her get through the difficult spots in her life.</p>
<p>As has been pointed out, life is unpredictable, and you can do all the research in the world and things may not work out for reasons that are difficult or impossible to understand. If we all had perfect 20/20 vision going forward, we’d all be happy and rich, and the world would be a great place. Unfortunately that’s not the way things are (I’d love it if life was like that!).</p>
<p>It sounds like you have some good idea and some good options. I wish you all the best, and hope and believe that things will work out well for you and your daughter. I’d love to know how she is doing and hope you will update the thread with good news.</p>
<p>It seems like her life has been very successful academically, socially, and romantically so far in spite of medical issues. The past three or four months are just a very small part of her life. Her difficulties during her first term of college won’t define her. Eighteen generally successful years and one difficult three-month period (which still had some good things going on) sound like a pretty good ratio.</p>
<p>Take care and be well.</p>
<p>DragonBoatGirl…I can’t tell you how much it means to have some of my self-doubts eased with your kind words!</p>